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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Secret Santa - AIBU, and WWYD?

62 replies

ShoesHaveSouls · 15/12/2017 18:08

I honestly don't know if I'm blowing this out of proportion or not - it's a stressful time of year after all and I'm all angsty.

DS's school (secondary - year 8) did a Secret Santa thing - organised by one of the teachers. So I duly sent him in with a £5 gift today - only for him to not receive anything.

DS is acting cool, and saying it's no big deal - but I feel really annoyed.

Surely, if the teacher is going to organise stuff like this, they should make sure everyone receives something?

OP posts:

WhyamIBoredathome · 15/12/2017 20:24

The problem is lots of tutor groups demand to do it. And if three kids don't bring a gift it shouldn't really be up to the teacher to spend fifteen quif of their own cash to buy gifts.
It's a tough one. I ended up telling my tutor group they weren't allowed to do it after Couple of years because there was always someone without a gift and they all just bought sweets amd chocolate anyway, no thought went into it so it was pointless.

KurriKurri · 15/12/2017 20:25

Just about every reason I hate Secret Santa is on this thread.

There is no need for secret santa, if the school wants children to get a gift, then the school needs to organise it and buy something for each child, either budget for it or ask for a contribution from parents if they can afford it, those parents who canlt afford it will be covered by school so all children get something.

£5 is a lot to shell out to buy a gift for a random child with no guarantee your child will get anything in return.

ScreamingValenta · 15/12/2017 20:26

MirriVan The other option is that, as organiser, you keep a record of who has who and make sure all gifts have arrived before distributing them, issuing reminders if necessary!

donquixotedelamancha · 15/12/2017 20:26

This is where it should be generic Secret Santa if at all. Bring a gift, get a token. "Buy" a gift with the token."

I proposed this to my form, to avoid exactly the problems described. The kids rejected it. They all want the more personalised approach of choosing themselves.

People still like secret santa's despite the potential problems. Insistence that people who organise anything must always mitigate all risks just leads to people not putting themselves out. Stuff like this is why some schools are increasingly dull and unimaginative places.

How can 1 person be left out tho? As long as only those who bring gifts receive gifts it should always work out surely?

Indeed. The point is that someone doesn't bring a gift for the person they drew.

donquixotedelamancha · 15/12/2017 20:30

There is no need for secret santa, if the school wants children to get a gift, then the school needs to organise it and buy something for each child

I'm always amazed what some people think schools should do. Speaking personally I don't give a shit whether all my kids get a gift. I'm organising it because THEY want it and kids who don't want to are not participating.

pallisers · 15/12/2017 20:43

This happened my daughter too - - also in year 8 - and it upset her because she definitely wasn't one of the popular kids and it seemed like a real slap to her (the kid just laughed too when he realised he forgot/didn't bother). One of life's lessons I suppose.

Original poster

ShoesHaveSouls · 15/12/2017 21:04

God - Secret Santa is an absolute minefield, isn't it?

The upshot of reading this this thread, and discussing it with DH, is that we're going to leave it for now - mainly because the thought of my email causing one of DS's classmates to be told off, is not what we'd want out of this.

Really, I just want it better organised in future. Anyway, we'll mention it at some point, either at one of those 'meet the form teacher' things, parents eve, or an email at some point. I don't want retribution on a particular child, I just want the process well managed so that children aren't left without presents iyswim. My dc is robust about it - but as we can see from pp's here, some dc could be really upset by it.

And thank you priscillaqueenofthedesert - my DS is indeed very cool and thanks for all those with kind words.

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Original poster

ShoesHaveSouls · 15/12/2017 21:11

Btw - it's just sweets they buy for each other - no thoughtful gifts needed - just a 'sweet exchange'

And to a pp - no they're not 14yrs old. They're year 8 - so 12yr olds, or just turned 13.

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stoplickingthetelly · 15/12/2017 21:13

This is exactly why I said no when my year 10 form asked if they could do secret santa. You can't trust that they all will something in and to be honest I'm far too busy to be organising this. And some may think this mean, but I don't want to spend my own money buying backup presents, when I have my own children to buy for.

ToastyFingers · 15/12/2017 22:02

id probably have been the kid with no gift to give.
My mum would regularly promise me money for this or that, then change her mind at the last minute over some bizzare trped up charge, or just out of spite.

I can just imagine coming home, asking for £5 to do the secret santa, and being so pleased to be included, then the horrible panic when the time came to buy a gift and she'd decided to change her mind.

ScreamingValenta · 15/12/2017 22:03

ToastyFingers

Original poster

ShoesHaveSouls · 15/12/2017 22:06

Toastyfingers - that's exactly why I wouldn't want to get any child in trouble

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