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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Secret Santa - AIBU, and WWYD?

62 replies

ShoesHaveSouls · 15/12/2017 18:08

I honestly don't know if I'm blowing this out of proportion or not - it's a stressful time of year after all and I'm all angsty.

DS's school (secondary - year 8) did a Secret Santa thing - organised by one of the teachers. So I duly sent him in with a £5 gift today - only for him to not receive anything.

DS is acting cool, and saying it's no big deal - but I feel really annoyed.

Surely, if the teacher is going to organise stuff like this, they should make sure everyone receives something?

OP posts:

PurpleMinionMummy · 15/12/2017 19:21

I can't understand why any school would allow this tbh (a secret santa)

everymummy · 15/12/2017 19:22

DS's class did this yesterday. It was organised in pairs, so DS knew who he was buying for and that person was buying for him. The teacher said if anyone didn't bring a present, the other person got to keep their own.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 15/12/2017 19:23

It’s lovely that your son is saying it’s no big deal, you’ve raised a thoughtful young man who already realises that giving is nicer than receiving.

Willow2017 · 15/12/2017 19:24

Cansu
Rtt
Op said the teachers at school run the secret santa.

If teachers are organising something then its up to them to see it is done properly and there are no kids left out not start it then just dump a pile of presents and bugger pff without checking how many there were. What a cock up, pay £5 for a present for a classmate and get nothing back how nice.

Definately say something so they can either make sure it doesn't happen again or stop it. Making kids odd one (or two) out is crap. If nobody can organise it properly whats the point?

LoverOfCake · 15/12/2017 19:28

We used to do this when I was at school but I grew up in a different country.

But tbh I would have pre-warned my DS about secret Santa and the pitfalls i.e. That the presents you usually get aren't that great, that you may well end up buying for someone you either don't know or like, and that it's really not worth it.

I've seen so many posts on here and FB from people who have been incredibly disappointed with their secret Santa present and yet this is nothing new.

My mum refuses to take part in the work one for this exact reason. she says she already has a house full of stuff she doesn't necessarily want or need without someone she doesn't know adding to it, and she has no desire to try and find something worthwhile to buy for someone she probably doesn't know or potentially like, so she's happy to not receive and not give either. People have called her a Bah humbug for that in the past but ironically as time has gone on more and more people have joined her thinking.

haveacupoftea · 15/12/2017 19:29

Someone always ends up getting left out in a SS. Glad he wasn't the only one though.

MirriVan · 15/12/2017 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScreamingValenta · 15/12/2017 19:32

MirriVan The person organising the Secret Santa - in this case the teacher - should pay for standby gifts. If you don't want to pay for standby gifts, don't organise a Secret Santa.

AlansLeftMoob · 15/12/2017 19:35

The teachers shouldn't allow it at all. If kids want to give gifts to their friends among themselves, that's one thing (that's what we did at our school) but someone always gets screwed in Secret Santa.

MirriVan · 15/12/2017 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KittyVonCatsington · 15/12/2017 19:43

RTT yourself Willow2017 because the teacher wasn’t even there (so wasn’t off sick or something) and you, OP, want to complain that they didn’t organise it properly? They couldn’t help being off just as they couldn’t help make sure kids got their SS if they weren’t even there! The pupils just rifled through the gifts and your son didn’t say anything at the time? That is harsh to immediately go in with a straight complaint. It would make more sense for your DS and his friends who also didn’t didn’t get gifts to say something when teacher returns. The teacher may well have got spare gifts (out of their own pocket) or can see what happened at least without being told off by parents.

MrsKnightley · 15/12/2017 19:44

Teacher should pay??? Really???

Well, I did, on the one occasion this was foisted on me. It cost me £15. Not out of any special budget, the public sector doesn't have a ledger code for disappointed teenager.

I took on a class. 2 were off sick so collected their (labelled) gifts in January but had given nothing. One child brought something so odd I had to cover it up (he had been told to bring something funny but his ASD meant he was not fully au fait with "funny" and brought in a pair of his dad's socks smeared with toothpaste - but that's funny miss).

I gathered them in and made a list of contents so I knew they were not obscene, dangerous, or illegal.

Then went shopping.

Then handed them out with my 3 gifts.

Never again.

So, piss off with your "the teacher" blaming. We all spend a fortune on our classes - pens, DVDs, missing lunch money. Not sure I am filled with enough Christmas spirit to spend £5 on a teenager because someone has forgotten.

Remember, this will be the teacher's OWN MONEY.

This is now banned in my classroom but Christmas can be a time of very high stress levels for kids who HAVE NOTHING so, please, remind yourselves that you probably don't know really why a gift has not turned up. Not all kids can tap Mummy for £5.

Aragog · 15/12/2017 19:47

Maybe a suggestion could be the form of SS we do at work. If you want to be involved you buy a gift suitable for anyone, wrap it and place it anonymously in a large bag in the office. Then those who have taken part, at a later date, get to take a gift from the bag. That way, only those who want to be involved are, and anyone who brought a gift in gets to receive one.

MrsHathaway · 15/12/2017 19:48

This is where it should be generic Secret Santa if at all. Bring a gift, get a token. "Buy" a gift with the token.

If teacher is organising then s/he needs to see it through.

Aragog · 15/12/2017 19:50

Oh, and teen DD does a SS at school. But it is just their friendship group and it is voluntary. They organise it themselves, and it is a way to avoid them all having to spend a fortune buying 6 to 7 different gifts. They choose a name and just buy for that one person, but on behalf of the whole group. That works well, but mainly because it is a smallish group who chose to organise it themselves.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 15/12/2017 19:52

Teacher should pay??? Really???

Yes. If you organise a Secret Santa, you have to make sure everybody gets a gift.

ScreamingValenta · 15/12/2017 19:56

Remember, this will be the teacher's OWN MONEY.

I'd take it as a given that in any environment - school, office, club - everything came from the organiser and participants' own pockets. I certainly don't think teachers (or anyone) should be obliged to run Secret Santas - just that if you are organising one, you as the instigator should make sure it doesn't end with anyone feeling left out and miserable.

Mrs Knightly describes a situation where she inherited someone else's Secret Santa and was left to pick up the pieces, which I agree is frustrating and unfair.

crunchymint · 15/12/2017 19:57

I wouldn't expect teachers to pay out of their own pocket for this.

MintCassis · 15/12/2017 20:01

This happened to me in secondary, I got a really nice gift for someone and received an opened tube of Polo mints with about a quarter left. I was more humiliated than upset at not getting a nice gift. Hope your DS is okay

Italiangreyhound · 15/12/2017 20:08

ShoesHaveSouls I would not stress about this. I would buy my own child something nice for £5.

The teacher tried to do something nice and it didn't work out for one child, and it's your child, so I get why you are angry. But I think best to forget it.

Italiangreyhound · 15/12/2017 20:11

MrsHathaway "This is where it should be generic Secret Santa if at all. Bring a gift, get a token. "Buy" a gift with the token." I agree this looks like a fairer system but the child who brings in something mega odd or cheap, wrapped nicely, will submit that gift and get a better one.

The only way to make it really fair is teacher buys gifts, students all pay a set amount, teacher gets gifts and students wrap a gift and pass it on. But then there is no real unput from students.

I think this kind of thing is not really a win win, unless the whole class want to make it work and can afford it.

oblada · 15/12/2017 20:11

How can 1 person be left out tho? As long as only those who bring gifts receive gifts it should always work out surely? Or am I being daft?

Italiangreyhound · 15/12/2017 20:11

input

donquixotedelamancha · 15/12/2017 20:12

Yes. If you organise a Secret Santa, you have to make sure everybody gets a gift.

Why? A lass who works at my school puts the names in a hat. She earns 30-50% of what most staff do. I certainly didn't ask her to cough up the year I didn't get a gift.

MirriVan · 15/12/2017 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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