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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I’m going to have to educate excited baby talks on my dead baby’s due date. WWYD

91 replies

JustVent · 15/12/2017 09:07

I’ve got a fucking horrible knot of anxiety.

My nephew and his wife announced their pregnancy last night. So when we see them at Christmas there will be excited baby talks (their first baby) on what will be my dead baby’s due date.
I had my 12 scan it was just as beautiful as the one they have posted but unfortunately my baby’s heart stopped a few weeks later when I was 15 weeks.
Due date was Christmas and now I’m dreading it even more than ever.
My children 6 and 11 also knew about the baby and were also painfully gutted to hear the baby had died.

Now I need to know how to proceed.
Part of me wants DH to speak to MIL and maybe ask nephew to keep the baby talks on the DL while we are there (one afternoon) but that makes me feel like a pathetic peice if shit. On the other hand I also don’t want my kids Christmas to be tainted with sadness as well.

I could scarper the in laws. But I would have to spend some time with them as it would be rude and obvious but we would still have the baby talk.

I think I could suck it up and just feel sick and sad but what about the kids?

And on the other hand why shouldn’t they get excited and talk about their first baby?

Argh I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

MummaHelena2 · 15/12/2017 12:36

That last comment was a thumbs up for LivLemler's advice btw

Original poster

JustVent · 15/12/2017 12:52

I don’t know what defines as ‘close’ to be honest. I had a weird relationship with both my grandparents due to religion and such so I’m not sure what is ‘normal’.

But we see parents in law about 3 times a year and we see nephew every few years. I don’t think I’ve even met his wife actually.

OP posts:

LivLemler · 15/12/2017 12:58

Oh that is a tough one, you probably don't feel close enough to get in touch directly then. Maybe through MIL is the best way then?

Original poster

JustVent · 15/12/2017 13:02

Possibly yes. My mum seems to think we shouldn’t say anything at all “because it’s not their fault.” Weird way of putting it, of course it’s not their fault.

I will wait and see what DH thinks. I keep changing my mind as to what I think I should do for the best.

OP posts:

Schlimbesserung · 15/12/2017 13:10

I'm so sorry for your loss. My daughter died (at birth) just before Christmas 11 years ago and I've had a miscarriage on Christmas Day so I really do understand. If it's any help, I find that the period leading up to this kind of date/anniversary is often much, much worse than the day itself.
My children were heartbroken when their sister died, but they aren't affected by the anniversary because I don't remind them when it is. Have yours already talked about it, or do they not know when your due date was? Whatever you decide, I hope you get through it okay and with as little hurt as possible. In these circumstances I don't think there is a wrong thing really, just do what you feel you need to , to get through it.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/12/2017 13:24

@JustVent - trying to look at this from your nephew and his wife's point of view - I would hate to think that my sharing of my happy news was hurting people in the way it will hurt you and your children. Hard as it would be to hear, I would rather have a heads-up and be able to avoid the subject, or at least moderate the amount of baby talk.

WhyamIBoredathome · 15/12/2017 13:46

It's a tough one. My sister and I were pregnant at the same time, we would have been due 3 weeks apart but she had a miscarriage after first scan.
I tried to not talk about being pregnant etc and be as sensitive as possible but obviously I was pregnant and it wasn't going away so couldn't skirt around the topic forever.

For your kids, I suspect that they may not even associate the new cousin with your angel baby, they don't always think the same way as adults and are often more resilient than we expect. But equally I don't think it would be unreasonable and have a word in advance, saying something like "the kids were so upset about the miscarriage, do you think people could try and be sensitive and avoid too much babytalk around them as
them of sad things on Christmas day"

MrsHathaway · 15/12/2017 14:04

I'm so sorry for your loss. If you lost at 15w with a Christmas due date then that's only this summer which is really very recently. No wonder you're feeling raw.

My DH doesn't remember the due dates of our miscarried babies: he can be wistful around the loss anniversaries but the due dates don't seem to register in the same way. Are you sure that your children will associate Christmas Day with your lost baby? Although it's been no time at all for you, it's been a long time for them and probably a lot of focus on Christmas Day in its own right at school etc. I agree with pps that they are less likely to make the associations between the lost baby and the baby to come and it's only your own upset you are likely to need to deal with.

I wouldn't do anything in advance to warn people off talking to the children about the new baby, but it might be kind to warn nephew and wife that you had a mc this year and would probably prefer not to linger on conversations about pregnancy as you're still feeling raw. The precise timeline isn't needed for people to be tactful.

I hope it's not as bad as you're dreading. You do become better at dealing with it.

hedlesschicken · 15/12/2017 14:17

I lost my first baby the week before Xmas. It was in two days time I went for scan and heart beat had stopped. It was also my birthday... I find this time of year difficult. We were the same. Not planned.. we were getting married 4 weeks after due date so it wasn't ideal. Then we had just got used to it and we were devastated when there was no heartbeat (we had no warning signs either) Myself especially.

I can't really give much advise and your children as we didn't have any. that xmas was a bit of a blur. People knew I was pregnant and had lost but were really sensitive to it.
You say your husband hadn't told his side. Maybe he should tell them over the next few days so it won't be as hard on you having to listen to everyone else and for your children. I know it will be really difficult... I think only time helps. Xxx

We hadn't got children at the time. Like you now I have two.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 15/12/2017 14:36

How about an email or letter... it might be gentler on all than a face to face conversation.

Dear DN and DN Wife,

We are delighted to hear your news and wish you both a healthy happy pregnancy. We are looking forward to seeing you at Christmas and to celebrating with you.

We do however have some sad news of our own, which we hope will not overshadow your lovely news but felt that we should let you know in case we or the children are a little quiet on the day.

Earlier this year we lost a baby, who would have been born around Christmas. The children knew about the baby and we are all sad to have suffered this loss. It is not something that we have openly been discussing but I think it will be on our minds over the holidays.

I am sorry to have to share this news with you but thought it was best to explain.

With our deepest love
Just Vent, DHVent and little vents.

Original poster

JustVent · 15/12/2017 14:40

No I don’t think my kids will associate Christmas with the lost baby.

I think they will associate talk of a new baby with our lost baby on Christmas Day. My eldest will absolutely make the connection, I’ve no doubt about that.

Thanks for your advice, and sorry for those who have lost babies.

OP posts:

fruitbrewhaha · 15/12/2017 14:53

Tell them, get your DH to tell MIL in advance and she can let all who will be there know.

You can tell them how lovely it is to hear their news, they can tell you how sorry they are about your news. The loss of your baby should be acknowledged.

I don't think they will want to talk about babies all afternoon anyway. I don't think I did when I was pregnant.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/12/2017 16:16

Worst case, could you tell your children about the baby your nephew and his wife are expecting, and that there may be a fair bit of baby talk, and hopefully draw some of the sting out of it for them?

Original poster

JustVent · 15/12/2017 16:19

SDT that’s exactly what my mum suggested as well. It’s definitely an option, yes.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 16/12/2017 18:42

I would send them an email and say first congratulations on their news and you're vv happy for them etc.

However it's bittersweet for you because unfortunately you suffered a miscarriage fairly late on earlier this year. Explain about the due date and that you'll be finding the day hard but that you want to keep things positive for the DC.

Then wish them all the best. Something like that? So they have time to process.

Gribbit · 18/12/2017 18:42

Op, that sounds very hard, especially if it is the first Christmas.
Can you have a moment together in the morning when you light a candle, or do something else meaningful with your kids to 'remember' your baby's very short life?
A little remembrance might help, an outward acknowledgement of your loss as a family. Sometimes that can help with closure, that grief is not hidden.
And yes, get a family member to warn the others so they can be kind too. I'm sure they would understand if they knew.

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