I’m going to have to educate excited baby talks on my dead baby’s due date. WWYD

[JustVent]

I’ve got a fucking horrible knot of anxiety.

My nephew and his wife announced their pregnancy last night. So when we see them at Christmas there will be excited baby talks (their first baby) on what will be my dead baby’s due date.
I had my 12 scan it was just as beautiful as the one they have posted but unfortunately my baby’s heart stopped a few weeks later when I was 15 weeks.
Due date was Christmas and now I’m dreading it even more than ever.
My children 6 and 11 also knew about the baby and were also painfully gutted to hear the baby had died.

Now I need to know how to proceed.
Part of me wants DH to speak to MIL and maybe ask nephew to keep the baby talks on the DL while we are there (one afternoon) but that makes me feel like a pathetic peice if shit. On the other hand I also don’t want my kids Christmas to be tainted with sadness as well.

I could scarper the in laws. But I would have to spend some time with them as it would be rude and obvious but we would still have the baby talk.

I think I could suck it up and just feel sick and sad but what about the kids?

And on the other hand why shouldn’t they get excited and talk about their first baby?

Argh I don’t know what to do.

If I was in your nephew and wife's shoes I would absolutely want to know that someone so close would be struggling with their news.

Please be open. No need to go on and on, just let them know. You can still be happy for them (as I'm sure you are), but that doesn't take away your own grief.

I'd be mortified if I knew I'd been blathering on about being pregnant and then learnt that my Aunt was so sad.

Thank you.

This has given me a few different perspectives and I’m going to mull it over until DH gets back and see what he thinks.

Thanks for letting me hash it out and see if from different perspectives.

If I was nephew’s wife I would really want to know too and would completely avoid talking about babies over Christmas however excited I was. I’d be mortified if I upset a friend or relation about something as sensitive as this. I went to a party at 12 wks pregnsbyvw

Whoops! Posted mid post:

I went to a party at 12 weeks and another friend gave me the heads up that a mutual friend was struggling after a MC, so I didn’t talk about being pregnant. I would have hated to have upset her.

I agree with rightsofwomen! Please give them the chance to be sensitive and understanding and consider your needs. Your feelings are valid but your family can't be sensitive if they don't know.

Sorry you are going through this, you are doing really well to carry on with Christmas!

Be kind to yourself and give others the chance to do the same. X X

I don't think YABU at all. Dealing with a MC, at whatever stage in your pregnancy, is hard. If I was be pregnant relative I'd like a heads up so I didn't upset you. FWIW I had a MC and on my would-be due date I took a sick day as I couldn't handle work that day (worked with young children). I am so sorry for your loss OP

You're only going to be there for one afternoon. They can have the excited baby talk before you get there, your DH can give them a hug and say congratulations in the kitchen and you can leave it at that. You're not asking them never to mention the baby in your presence, you're asking them to respect this one afternoon. I don't think that's an unreasonable thing to ask your DN.

However, it sounds like it might be an unreasonable thing to ask your DH? He's lost a child too. It's his baby's due date as well. How would he feel about having to negotiate his parents and their reaction on his Christmas Day? Is it going to cause him a lot of distress to have to discuss this all with his family when he'd much rather keep it quiet? I don't know the answer without knowing you and your family, but that's the question I'd be weighing up. I think your distress clearly outweighs any sadness your DN might feel at having to be a bit quiet for an afternoon, but does the distress you'd feel at Christmas outweigh the distress your DH would feel at having to go over a painful subject with his family?

Re: your children, I agree with previous posters that this is something you would need to talk about with them. Don't let them find out about the baby on Christmas Day - talk about it beforehand. Frame it as a happy thing - their sibling isn't here anymore, but there is going to be a new baby in the family. Sometimes sad things happen, but good things also happen, and good things help us get past the sad things. But it's also okay for the new baby to make them feel sad about their sibling. It might help them to think of ways they could welcome this new baby into the family - making cards or presents for it.
If you aren't going to be there til the afternoon, could you do something to remember your child in the morning? Light a candle or get the children to write or draw something for their sibling and share them or just have a little space in your day for you all to talk about it and remember. You could do it on Christmas Eve if you didn't want it to get in the way of your family Christmas, but I think if you do decide that the afternoon is going to be spent smiling and sucking it up, it might help to have a space where you all get to acknowledge this sadness and the children have a chance to talk about it. And hugs.

'If I was be pregnant relative I'd like a heads up so I didn't upset you.'
Yes me too, I'd just ask dh to mention it before you go that it's a very tough time for you and while pregnancy talk isn't banned just some sensitivity is needed.

Regarding DC, they tend to be far more resilient than adults ime. I had a friend whose baby was stillborn and while her DC were if course greatly affected and traumatised, they didn't seem to have any problems with mention of other people's babies or pregnancies.

I’m so sorry for your loss

I’ve been your SIL and even now ds is four (their miscarried baby and ds shared a due date) I still think of their baby a lot and so I know that they must see ds and think of the milestones they didn’t get to see. I wouldn’t have dreamed of talking about my baby and pregnancy in their presence, and wouldn’t have minded if MIL had said something (well maybe Id be sad she didn’t think I wasn’t sensible and sensitive enough!!). I don’t think ywbu to mention your concerns to MIL at all.

I wouldn't involve MIL (why tell her now?) but I would have a quiet word with Nephew and girlfriend. And definitely mention it to your DC beforehand... so they have time to process it on a day that isn't christmas.

Sorry for your loss. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. We had a loss at 18 weeks and I was off work for ages and my boss told pretty much everyone at work (with my consent) so they would know to be mindful about pregnancy related topics around me. I thought this was brilliant as the slightest mention of pregnancies or babies would make me burst into tears, so I could still go to work and didn't have to pretend everything was ok. I'm very grateful for this as going back to work helped tremendously. I think one afternoon is perfectly reasonable, especially as it would make it easier for your children as well. If I was pregnant and knew someone was struggling with a loss or problems conceiving I wouldn't want to upset them by talking about babies. You're pregnant for ages anyway, there's plenty of time to get excited.

Good luck op!

Our second baby was stillborn at 26 weeks. Our good friends were also having their 1st baby and the due date was the same week as ours. DH felt awful having to ring and tell them what had happened to us, and I just stayed out of their way as I didn't feel it was fair to take the shine off a very exciting time for them. They rang at 2am a few days before our baby had been due to say their little one had arrived safely, and I cried all night - partly with relief for them and partly with utter horror and anger that we lost that moment. I sent a card and gift, but didn't see them as it was just too hard for me.
It's never going to be easy for you, and I think you just have to accept that but do your utmost to try and just put a face on for the world and get through it. Your children are very young and aren't going to have anything like the feelings that you are about it. I don't mean that carelessly but kids cope far better with things like this than we imagine. I think saying something now after it's all happened is going to upset them for being left out of at the time, and also make things very awkward so I'd just try and get through it or stay away and make an excuse about a migraine.
I'm really sorry for your loss .

I think what will make it awkward is your ILs didn't know, so in order for them to be sensitive you have to tell them-which could come across as trying to spoil it for you.

But I don't think the children will see it like you do. I think they'll be much more excited about the baby cousin than thinking about their sibling.
If you tell it as a "how exciting you're going to be cousins (again)" I suspect that will be how they will take it. Don't let on that you're upset or they may feel they can't be pleased about it.

I think if he can do this then probably your dh contacting his sibling and mum, and explaining the situation "just so you know if we get upset". Not asking them to not talk about the baby, but hopefully they'll reign it in if they know.

I was In same position as nephews wife. I didnt speak about my pregnancy at all really, I felt I could speak about it a different time but that instance wasn't one. I also wrote her a note and gave it to her at the end just saying I was thinking of her x

so sorry for you loss just

you know your ILs best - are they sympathic, caring people, who you usually get along with etc? ...if so i would be open with them and tell them in advance what happened (or get dh to). Most sensible people would want to be sensitive for your sake and your other dc.

chistmas day is often busy with presents, food etc so hopefully there will be lots of other things for you all to focus on than the new baby news.

have you thought about doing something to commemorate the baby you lost? maybe something as simple as a special candle to light when you want to signify you're thinking of them? i named that baby i lost, and whilst few know about my mc and i dont think anyone knows her name, somehow it brings me a little comfort

I feel you’re pain OP my first pregnancy and 1st angel babies due date was Boxing Day. I found out at my scan that the baby had died at 8-9 weeks (I’d had morning sickness etc the morning i found out) I should’ve been 14 weeks and 4 days.

It doesn’t get easier. You just learn how to handle it better. You need to be kind to yourself. I spent that xmas with my father in law and his family and I’m so glad I did as he passed away shortly after.

I found it helpful to release a balloon with a message for both my unborn angels and I continue to do so. They are not nor will they ever be forgotten. I have also named both of them

Sorry for your loss

Sorry op, circumstances of the scan - another poster suggested that knowing you had already had an ok 12 week scan might cause your nephew and his dp unnecessary worry about their own pregnancy.

If I was pregnant and about to spend Christmas with someone who was feeling terrible sadness over the loss of a child I would want to know.

One afternoon to keep the news to myself is nothing in the scheme of things. I'd much rather know than find out later. I'd feel awful if I found out I'd been going on about my pregnancy in the presence of someone who would be hurt by my words.

There's something to be said for contacting them yourself. Maybe send a nice letter congratulating them and explaining the situation.

Did they know about your pregnancy? If they did it’s absolutely fine to expect then to keep it on the down low- surely they’d do that anyway?

The in-laws knew after the baby had died.

I doubt my nephew knew at all tbh. We hadn’t told them.

I don't know what to advise but I hope the day isn't as difficult as feared.

I was a very bad DIL as miscarried a twin on PIL birthday. I was told their birthday would never be the same again or celebrated for years in the future. Baby's first birthday and he's given twin trains. Broke my heart and birthdays always celebrated as normal and baby ignored

I feel your pain , I had this a few years ago . Miscarriage happened in September , my db and dsil didn't know my dm did . She forced an announcement out of them they were very early in the pregnancy and not ready to tell . I had to leave immediately I didn't even make it to the car before I broke down . I was not over the loss at all . That Christmas was miserable and this announcement pushed me right over the edge . I thought how heartless my dm was . I still don't understand why she did it . I did conceive again and I adore my db child too. I have no advice only just go with ur emotions and take care of yourself , nevermind what others think

I'm expecting the first grandchild on my side of the family and there is much excitement. We will be spending Christmas Day with a relative and he wife who don't have DC - we don't know for sure, but the likelihood is that it isn't by choice. We have no intention of prattling on about the baby, it's one day, it's grand. We'll do the polite bit of pregnancy chat and move on. We won't gain anything by causing them pain.

The person who's least likely to be sensitive to this is actually relative's mother, so we're all primed to change the subject to an upcoming wedding as often as possible without being rude.

It's difficult in your shoes as the couple don't know about your baby. Tbh, I'd consider bypassing MIL and texting the nephew or his wife. "we were so happy to hear of your pregnancy. Just as a heads up, we lost a baby ourselves earlier in the year, and the due date was Christmas day, so if we don't join in the excited baby chatter please don't think it's because we aren't happy for you. It's just going to be a tough day for us. We're delighted for the two of you, and can't wait to meet your little one x "

Something along those lines doesn't ban the topic on Christmas Day, makes it clear you really are happy for them (or let's you pretend anyway), and if they have any cop on at all, they'll be sensible on the day itself.

It is difficult with family dynamics etc. Best of luck

I am so sorry.

I lost y own baby on Christmas Day and it is a particularly horrible time of year for us. Christmas losses whether it was due date, conception or the date of the miscarriage are particularly hard because it uis the time of year we all see family and this is a very personal grief.

I realise not going can sometimes not be an option, especially with kids but DO discuss your options and feelings with your DP. And you shouldn't have to expose your pain unless you are sure your family will be sympathetic (mine were not and it is no loss - it merely re-orders your priorities in future) f you need to ask, are you already not too comfortable with these folk or is it just the fact of the lousy timing? If you aren't that good with them at the best of times then you don't owe them anything.

It isn't about being sheltered from life either - how is anyone who has just experienced THAT in any way sheltered? Anyone truly suggesting that that such a soul searing experience needs anything less than care and love needs a good sharp "No".

Love and hugs to you both and the kids at this time xxx

Spot on! Wish to goodness my family had exhibited half the tact taht you do! I think that is great advice FWIW!