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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I’m going to have to educate excited baby talks on my dead baby’s due date. WWYD

91 replies

JustVent · 15/12/2017 09:07

I’ve got a fucking horrible knot of anxiety.

My nephew and his wife announced their pregnancy last night. So when we see them at Christmas there will be excited baby talks (their first baby) on what will be my dead baby’s due date.
I had my 12 scan it was just as beautiful as the one they have posted but unfortunately my baby’s heart stopped a few weeks later when I was 15 weeks.
Due date was Christmas and now I’m dreading it even more than ever.
My children 6 and 11 also knew about the baby and were also painfully gutted to hear the baby had died.

Now I need to know how to proceed.
Part of me wants DH to speak to MIL and maybe ask nephew to keep the baby talks on the DL while we are there (one afternoon) but that makes me feel like a pathetic peice if shit. On the other hand I also don’t want my kids Christmas to be tainted with sadness as well.

I could scarper the in laws. But I would have to spend some time with them as it would be rude and obvious but we would still have the baby talk.

I think I could suck it up and just feel sick and sad but what about the kids?

And on the other hand why shouldn’t they get excited and talk about their first baby?

Argh I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

BadgersBum · 15/12/2017 10:04

My mother told me I was selfish when I didn't want to jump up and down with excitement and discuss the finer points of my cousin's newborn son who was born 5 days after I miscarried, then one of my ex-colleagues gave birth on my EDD, but at least I only had to congratulate her on Facebook (while I secretly cried my eyes out).

I can understand both sides, they're still excited about their news and their head will be filled with nothing else. Do they know it would have been your due date?

I'd personally either give it a swerve this year (stay at home, pamper yourself and wallow to your heart's content while DH takes the kids to his mum's), or tell them so at least they can tread gently round you, you can't expect them to do that if they don't know.

Hopeful103 · 15/12/2017 10:04

Sorry op😓 that must be really tough. Is it possible to give the Xmas visit a miss this year? Or maybe go over to the in laws much much later so all the excited questions and talks may be over by then?
I do think it would be unfair to ask them to keep their news quiet as if its wrong somehow. It might also just make everyone sp awkward as they might feel they can't talk around you.
I would just pass this year and do something else with the kids.

iBiscuit · 15/12/2017 10:05

I've been in a not dissimilar situation. My then SIL only found out much later that I'd miscarried a few months before, and was mortified. Other SIL was furious with my now ex for not telling them.

BerylStreep · 15/12/2017 10:06

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think the best thing to do would be to avoid the day. I honestly think it would be unreasonable to ask people to rein in the baby talk on that day, especially as it is the excitement of their first baby.

greendale17 · 15/12/2017 10:07

I do think it would be unfair to ask them to keep their news quiet as if its wrong somehow. It might also just make everyone sp awkward as they might feel they can't talk around you.**

^I agree with this

sizeofalentil · 15/12/2017 10:10

If they don't know about your sad loss, then this could be very difficult for you.

Do you think you could miss this gathering? Or would it make you feel worse/cause issues?

TheVoiceOfTreason · 15/12/2017 10:13

First of all please can I echo those who have expressed sympathies with what you are going through. It's heartbreaking.

Whatever you do, I suspect your family will understand either way. It's a very difficult situation. Only you can know what's right for you personally, but if it was me I think being surrounded by love and support, particularly that of your children, would help soothe/heel me. But you have to do what's right for you. Get lots of hugs in with your kids and spend as much time as you can with them doing things together that make you happy - watching favourite movies, making a gingerbread house, whatever it may be.

Massive hugs and support to you whatever you do. Xxxxx

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/12/2017 10:14

I honestly think it would be unreasonable to ask people to rein in the baby talk on that day, especially as it is the excitement of their first baby.

I just don't get this at all. I'm 9 weeks pregnant after 3 miscarriages. If this one makes it then keeping quiet about my excitement around people it will hurt seems like a tiny, tiny thing to do to be kind. Are they really going to talk about nothing but it all Christmas? Will one afternoon that isn't 'all bow down before the fertile people' really be such a hardship? It would be different if OP was going to spend a week with them - asking them to not talk about the pregnancy all week would indeed be unreasonable. But an afternoon?

haveacupoftea · 15/12/2017 10:16

If you tell them about your miscarriage they won't need to be told to keep the discussion to a minimum if they are in anyway sensitive at all. I think it might be best for you to stay at home this year though.

Sensimilla · 15/12/2017 10:19

I am sorry for your loss too. I have had an early miscarriage too and it is heart breaking

I think though, that it would be really unfair to ask your relative to not talk about their first pregnancy

Original poster

JustVent · 15/12/2017 10:20

I can’t avoid the day. It’s Christmas Day, the kids are looking forward to it and it’s all arranged. Bailing would look far worse.
Thanks for the support.

I feel I have to stick up for myself with something. People are assuming that I can’t bare the thought of being around pregnant women or babies. Those who have had miscarriages themselves seem to think they need to tell me to suck it up and I can’t avoid it.

Firstly, as I pointed out before - it’s not babies and pregnant women that I cannot handle. It’s my baby’s due date.

I work on a neonatal ward so I’m surrounded by pregnant women and babies constantly. My two friends are pregnant and I’m ecstatic for them (genuinely!).

Don’t read stuff in my OP that wasn’t there.

Again, it’s one afternoon Im talking about.

OP posts:

PanannyPanoo · 15/12/2017 10:21

I would either avoid the day, or keep my sadness to myself.
If they, or your MIL had known it would be different.
But to talk about it now, as new news to others would be hard on you and the others.
Also the circumstances when you had a good 12 week scan, then loosing your baby a few weeks later, is very tough news to share with someone who has just had a good 12 week scan. It would be hard to introduce that worry and fragility to someone, who is feeling relieved and excited after their scan.
Are your children aware that it is the due date? They may not be.

I think I would have to either be unwell and unable to go, or pretend that everything is fine.

I have had 7 miscarriages from 8-16 weeks. So I do understand your pain and sadness, in these circumstances I don't think you can ask them for an afternoon without talking about their news without making things very uncomfortable for everyone.

Sensimilla · 15/12/2017 10:22

I dont think your dc will feel saddened bevause of someone else being ptegnant. I think thats an adult perspective

elliejjtiny · 15/12/2017 10:24

I don't know what to advise but I've been where you are and know how hard it is. I'm so sorry for your loss.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/12/2017 10:28

I have no idea whether or not the children will be saddened by it - I would guess that the 11 year old is much more likely to make the connection than the 6 year old - but surely OP, as their mother, is better placed to judge that than strangers on the internet?

I think people think OP is saying she doesn't want them to mention the pregnancy at all, and I don't think that's what she's saying. I assume she's expecting to say congratulations and ask how the pregnant woman is feeling - she just doesn't want it to go on all afternoon, with everyone talking about how excited they are. I actually find the idea that once you're pregnant it's all you'll want to talk about quite weird. I've only found that to be true of people who were already completely self-absorbed before they got pregnant.

Sensimilla · 15/12/2017 10:31

I doubt it will be all they will talk about, for a whole afternoon eh lisa?

Merryhobnobs · 15/12/2017 10:31

I lost my baby at 14.5 weeks earlier this year. I work p/t as I have an 18 month old. I wanted to take my due date off but couldn't and had to work and it was okay but it felt to, so wrong not to have it acknowledged somehow - although at the same time I am glad no-one at work mentioned it as I'm fairly private. I somehow felt that I was doing a disservice to my baby by just having a normal day. When we got home I had a beautiful card from a wonderful friend and it was perfect. It isn't about 'getting over' the miscarriage, it is about your quite rightful feelings to mourn your loss on the day you should have been celebrating the arrival. I think maybe you should have a quiet chat with your MIL who if tactful can explain to your nephew and they can refrain from over jubilation on that date.

Furiosa · 15/12/2017 10:32

To me it sounds like your baby wasn't acknowledged at all. Their life and death weren't announced and their due date will be spent talking about another pregnancy. I can see why this is so hard and unfair.

What is your DH doing to help? You can absolute not go to this event, fain illness if you must but spend the day the way you want.

iBiscuit · 15/12/2017 10:33

I think it would be a kindness to inform the ils that Christmas day is the due date of the baby you lost (see my post upthread).

It's one afternoon. You won't be pissing on their chips.

No need to mention the circumstances with the scan for now; all they need to know is that you had a miscarriage and your due date. I imagine the 11 year old will also feel a bit wobbly, assuming they're aware of when the baby was due.

Second the poster upthread who suggests letting the children know that it's ok to be excited about their new cousin; especially the eldest one.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/12/2017 10:34

Well if it won't be all they will talk about why is it such a hardship to be asked to tone it down for one afternoon? I agree that maybe they'll be normal and thoughtful people and not bang on about how thrilled they are the whole time, but OP is going to be anxious about it unless she knows that's that will be the case, so it seems to me like an incredibly reasonable thing to ask that they tone down the excitement - but lots of people on this thread apparently don't.

iBiscuit · 15/12/2017 10:35

Furiosa the lack of acknowledgement is one of several reasons why my ex is my ex. It was symptomatic of a general attitude that I didn't matter, that my feelings were secondary.

Original poster

JustVent · 15/12/2017 10:37

What circumstances with the scan?

Again, I can’t avoid the day. It’s christmas Day. I’m not ditching my children then, or taking them from their grandparents.

I just spoke to my Mum, she said I just need to talk to DS before hand and ‘put a positive spin on it’ as many of you said.

OP posts:

Olympiathequeen · 15/12/2017 10:39

Ask DH to let them know of his and your situation, and not to discuss their baby on this particular day in your presence. They have months and yeRs ahead to talk about their child. One days restraint won’t hurt them and showing sensitivity to you and your family surely is understandable to them?

ForgivenessIsDivine · 15/12/2017 10:40

Does your MIL know about the baby? How well do you get along with her? Do your children know the baby was due on the day in question?

I think your DH should tell the family.. a friend's baby died when I was pregnant, and I would have been devastated if I had found out later in case I had inadvertently caused hurt.

You don't have to ask them not to talk about the baby, but just to bear in mind that you have lost a member of your family and you all may be feeling delicate on the day.

Trb17 · 15/12/2017 10:42

@JustVent I’m so sorry for your loss and that you finding yourself in this situation.

Whenever I can’t decide what I should do for me... I consider it from the point of view of ‘what would I do for my DD’. In this case I think it may make it easier for you to approach it from the perspective of protecting your children rather than protecting your feelings. It’s often easier to act as a Mum than for ourselves.

So my suggestion would be to get your DH to tell his side of the family what happened and how the dates clash. That you’re so happy for your family with their baby on the way, but that it’s going to be hard for your children (and you) and that perhaps they could be sensitive.

His side will surely want to avoid causing your children (and you) any extra sadness and I’m sure they could accommodate this for one afternoon.

I really do feel for you @JustVent and I truly hope you find a way to find some joy in the day still

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