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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find this comment by MIL rather offensive?

75 replies

whatcheekyfuckery · 13/12/2017 18:04

So DH has recently had 2 weeks off work with stress/depression; not a barrel of laughs to live with, believe me, but still I did my best to help him, accompanied him to the GP, collected his meds etc; did more than usual round the house (childcare etc) plus provided all the usual meals, laundry etc etc.... in other words, did whatever I expect most partners would do in the circs. He had an extended weekend stay at MILs as well during this time, where she makes a lot of fuss over him, and where I expect he may well have complained that I should have been giving him even more attention (... not easy when also managing a DC with SN and school issues!).

She's since written to me (to thank me for a gift), mentioning DH's visit in the letter and adding ' I want you to keep an eye on him, he is very precious to me'.

AIBU to find this feels like a veiled criticism of me? WWYD or write/say in response? Is it worth challenging her on this?

OP posts:
ineedamoreadultieradult · 13/12/2017 18:07

It depends on the rest of the tone of the letter but it doesn't sound like criticism it sounds more of a plea to keep her informed as she is worrying about him.

wowfudge · 13/12/2017 18:08

You're reading too much into it. Have you come across as resentful of the extra housework you've had to take on or said anything to her or him about it?

Ladyformation · 13/12/2017 18:08

I couldn't get het up about this unless there's a huge backstory. It's the kind of thing I'd say or expect to hear in similar circumstances about my DP or family members or indeed friends. I really don't hear a criticism and definitely not anything to "challenge".

gamerchick · 13/12/2017 18:08

Is it worth it?

If he starting whinging I wasn't paying him much attention I probably would send him to his mothers to stay for a bit but she's only got what he's saying to her.

Maybe write out your list of things you're doing and put 'keeping special eye on husband ' and ask her if that's enough? If you really want to poke the wasp nest.

pinkyredrose · 13/12/2017 18:09

Sounds 2 faced of her. I'd challenge, don't think I'd be able not to.

Nannyplumbrocks · 13/12/2017 18:10

No sounds perfectly resonable to me

DeadGood · 13/12/2017 18:11

She is worried that he will do something stupid. It has nothing to do with you.

Frederickvonhefferneffer · 13/12/2017 18:11

This would piss me off too “thank you for looking after him, he’s really precious to me” would be better.

MeadowHay · 13/12/2017 18:11

YABU. Unless there's some massive backstory/drip-feed coming, there's nothing about that sentence on its own that would offend me in any way. DH's family often say similar things in tough times when they're worried about him, and my family especially say stuff like that to DH as I've had chronic mental health problems since before we even met, but it's only because they care, they don't mean anything nasty by it - not sure why you would be so defensive and paranoid really.

highinthesky · 13/12/2017 18:11

Aren't your kids very precious to you, OP? Will they cease to be as adults?

RestingGrinchFace · 13/12/2017 18:11

That was very insensitive of her but she must be co concerned, it is her son after all. So long as this doesn't continue happening I would just let it go.

NotAPuffin · 13/12/2017 18:12

I'd just read that as her being very worried about him, and feeling powerless that she's not there all the time to keep an eye on him herself. I certainly wouldn't be offended by it.

IJoinedJustToPostThis · 13/12/2017 18:12

Sounds like a mum, worried because her ds is depressed. I wouldn't read anything into that, especially in the context of a thank you note.

ScipioAfricanus · 13/12/2017 18:13

It does sound like a criticism to me and would annoy me, but I’d probably ignore it if you can. I had a relative once at something similarly patronising/veiled criticism about looking after my mum at a difficult time, as if I was likely to be horrible otherwise. I ignored it but it rankled.

sonjadog · 13/12/2017 18:14

Sounds normal to me. She’s worried about him and feels helpless. A natural response.

Justmuddlingalong · 13/12/2017 18:14

He is her son, he is ill and she is worried about him. You see him day to day, she doesn't. I think her comment is sweet and in no way a dig at you.

ZigZagandDustin · 13/12/2017 18:14

Do you not think she's maybe a little terrified and thinks you understand so didn't need to spell it out?

BarbarianMum · 13/12/2017 18:15

I think you must be pretty paranoid to read that as a criticism. Sounds like she's worried he may harm himself.

Smoothyloopy · 13/12/2017 18:21

She sounds like a worried mum. Your children don't stop being precious to you just because they are adults.

blueskyinmarch · 13/12/2017 18:27

That's a mother who is very worried about her child. He may be an adult now but he is still her child. I don't see any criticism whatsoever.

Blackteadrinker77 · 13/12/2017 18:33

I agree with the other posters, she sounds worried about him.

Can you message back to say you will and you'll keep her update?

TitaniasCloset · 13/12/2017 18:35

I really don't think she meant that as a criticism, I just think she is very worried. You are probably exhausted yourself Op and a little bit more sensitive than usual Thanks

Pengggwn · 13/12/2017 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 13/12/2017 18:41

She's worried about her son so unless you have been moaning about the extra work there's no reason to think it was meant nastily.

Christmascardqueen · 13/12/2017 18:42

My adult sons mean just as much to me now as they did when they were little. She was just telling you that she loves him.