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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to find this comment by MIL rather offensive?

75 replies

whatcheekyfuckery · 13/12/2017 18:04

So DH has recently had 2 weeks off work with stress/depression; not a barrel of laughs to live with, believe me, but still I did my best to help him, accompanied him to the GP, collected his meds etc; did more than usual round the house (childcare etc) plus provided all the usual meals, laundry etc etc.... in other words, did whatever I expect most partners would do in the circs. He had an extended weekend stay at MILs as well during this time, where she makes a lot of fuss over him, and where I expect he may well have complained that I should have been giving him even more attention (... not easy when also managing a DC with SN and school issues!).

She's since written to me (to thank me for a gift), mentioning DH's visit in the letter and adding ' I want you to keep an eye on him, he is very precious to me'.

AIBU to find this feels like a veiled criticism of me? WWYD or write/say in response? Is it worth challenging her on this?

OP posts:

Weebo · 13/12/2017 19:22

As others have said she just sounds worried.

I personally would feel grateful to have someone to worry with IYKWIM?

Maybe this is her way of opening a more personal dialogue with you about the whole thing?

bettytaghetti · 13/12/2017 19:25

Given that you said your DH is suffering from stress & depression perhaps she is just concerned what he might do. Perhaps while he was with her she detected something that gave her more concern than a run of the mill illness?

MissEliza · 13/12/2017 19:25

My MIL is a patronising cow who thinks I have no family values and she frequently says stuff like this 'you know my dgcs are damn precious to me' so it pisses me off when I hear this. However it seems like in this situation, she just worried about her ds. You're worried too and I can understand why you're feeling a bit sensitive.

Weebo · 13/12/2017 19:25

And if your husband actually has been complaining to his mum about not feeling supportive enough then surely that's the real problem here not MIL?

Dutch1e · 13/12/2017 19:27

I'd be more concerned at the idea of my husband bitching about me to his mother than I would be about playing first-year literature critic with a message from her

Dutch1e · 13/12/2017 19:28

Cross post with Weebo

missperegrinespeculiar · 13/12/2017 19:30

I don't know, it sounds more like. warning to me, as in, I am very concerned after having seen him, keep an eye on him, bur of course I don't know the woman!

messofajess · 13/12/2017 19:33

It doesn't sound mean however if you feel anything like I feel (my DH off with depression for last three weeks) than I can understand why it irritates you.

There's only so much you can do for him and I'm sure you've done it all so a thank you would have been nicer.

Honestly I feel so selfish saying this but supporting dh through this is tipping me over the edge. No idea how you do it with a child.

tolerable · 13/12/2017 19:34

ease up.Its her boy.he's very precious too her.If its a strain..unbearable having him around..or whatever...send him back

BertrandRussell · 13/12/2017 19:38

"Nice for Mummy Dearest to have nothing else to do but pander to her snowflake,"
Fuck's sake-she might be a bloody A&E consultant for all you know!

Here are two people worrying about someone they both love-lots of slack needs to be cut. OP- you sound very worried and stressed and as if you feel underapreciated. Depressed people can be very hard work indeed....

Raisedbyguineapigs · 13/12/2017 19:39

My DH has suffered from the same thing recently and it isn't a barrel of laughs, so sympathies!. He rang and had a chat to his mother and also said (to me, not her, I don't think) that I wasn't being supportive enough so he needed to talk to his mother because she listened to him. I think the issue is that he is her child, so has all the time in the world to listen to him and worry about only him. I ( and probably you) have to worry about our own children, the impact on the family, whether he is going to be able to hold down a job, as well as having to cope with the day to day grind of it. I don't think your MiL meant anything bad by what she said, she was clearly worried but didn't word it correctly. My Mil told my DH to buy me some jewellery because he didnt appreciate me enough! She had many years of dealing with my late fil's depression and sometimes quite poor treatment of her as a result. She's not perfect, but its nice to know she hasn't forgotten what its like.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/12/2017 19:43

She sounds worried and powerless. Perhaps had she worded it differently it wouldn’t have upset you. Unless she’s normally horrible, I don’t think it was intentional. Bottom line, she’s afraid.

Neapolitanicecream · 13/12/2017 19:44

Do you not think she's maybe a little terrified and thinks you understand so didn't need to spell it out?

^
This from barb

eddielizzard · 13/12/2017 20:03

you could say 'truth be told i'm dealing with the dc and their sn, plus school issues, plus picking up all the housework, cooking all the meals, looked after the children and given him as much attention as i can. i'm on my knees here. i am so grateful for your helping out last weekend. any help you can give us would be so appreciated.'

then she has your view, plus an in road to provide some more support. maybe do more than look after her precious, but actually help you practically.... make a meal or two... help you with the washing.... anything at all really...

elliejjtiny · 13/12/2017 20:09

Sounds normal to me. I usually say that to the anaesthetist whenever my ds has an operation.

It's understandable that it feels like a dig at you though. I've been where you are and it's incredibly hard. I hope you have someone in real life supporting you.

MillennialFalcon · 13/12/2017 20:21

She's probably just worried about his illness but I can see why you are annoyed, what does she think you have been doing? I don't think she meant anything by it though, it's a stressful time.

BelfortGabbz · 13/12/2017 20:26

Love how DS always get called a 'snowlake' in MIL threads.

She may be secretly worried sick and that was her way of expressing it.

I wouldn't take it as a personal dig OP, it sounds like a stressful time for all the family

diddl · 13/12/2017 20:52

No doubt she is worried.

Perhaps as a pp put, she should be offering to help out (if possible), realising that Op still has to carry on keeping things going plus now looking after/out for her husband.

BlackberryandNettle · 13/12/2017 20:58

Hmm it could be seen as critical - of course you are keeping an eye on him - but mainly I'd read into it that she is just very worried about him and wants perhaps by mentioning it to keep lines of communication open with you. Just her way of raising the subject? Given that your dh is depressed, I'd try to keep relations as smooth as possible and not take offence.

BertrandRussell · 13/12/2017 21:00

"she should be offering to help out (if possible),"
Well she had just looked after him for a long weekend..

ChasedByBees · 13/12/2017 21:00

I would not find this offensive in the slightest.

Persephone31 · 13/12/2017 21:06

Having a partner with depression can really put a strain on relationship with in laws - I speak from experience. Always got the impression my MIL would have liked to have stepped in and taken over and that I wasn't good enough to "look after" him. Of course she cared deeply about him but it was hard to feel inadequete. I bit my tongue, I have to say.

Take care of yourself, and I hope you have some support for yourself - it is HARD being married to someone with depression

Original poster

whatcheekyfuckery · 14/12/2017 19:24

Sorry to be away for so long - and heartfelt thanks to all who have responded . The range of comments have definitely helped me get some perspective on it, and will help me frame my response when I write back. I think I'll let it go this time... there are more important things to sweat over.

I am very touched by the sympathetic comments from some people - yes it has actually been pretty tough living with someone with a face as long as a crocodile's for weeks, who's been completely self-absorbed/needy/clingy ... (Phew! It's so right that I need to get out when I can, to encounter some more upbeat people!) Not his fault, of course ... but heavy going for the rest of the family.

As far as MIL's comment goes, I do agree that on one level it is purely innocent and caring. However, inevitably there is a bit of a backstory (won't bore you with it here!), and, knowing the person, I found it hurtful. First the imperious tone: 'I want you to...' (rather than 'please could you/perhaps you could... ' etc); then the assumption - as some of you have noted - that I even need to be told to do this in the first place! - What does she think I've been doing?! Finally, the complete lack of recognition that this has also been a hard time for me (carer in chief) .... The only relationship/need she focuses on here is solely the one between herself and him. This in itself speaks volumes, believe me. (She has a lot of control over him). So it's probably not worth challenging her on it, as I'm beginning to realise that she is by nature tactless, rather unimaginative, and needs to be the heroine in her own drama. This tends to define all of her reactions to others' lives, experiences and attitudes.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/12/2017 19:30

Bottom line, you were upset because this is part of a pattern of behaviour and she is disregarding you. In that case, I’d be upset. Heroine in her own drama sounds self absorbed at best, narcissistic at worse.

Original poster

whatcheekyfuckery · 15/12/2017 17:56

Yes Mummy - narcissism is how it comes across to me despite all the otherwise laudable sentiments.

OP posts:

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