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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find this comment by MIL rather offensive?

75 replies

whatcheekyfuckery · 13/12/2017 18:04

So DH has recently had 2 weeks off work with stress/depression; not a barrel of laughs to live with, believe me, but still I did my best to help him, accompanied him to the GP, collected his meds etc; did more than usual round the house (childcare etc) plus provided all the usual meals, laundry etc etc.... in other words, did whatever I expect most partners would do in the circs. He had an extended weekend stay at MILs as well during this time, where she makes a lot of fuss over him, and where I expect he may well have complained that I should have been giving him even more attention (... not easy when also managing a DC with SN and school issues!).

She's since written to me (to thank me for a gift), mentioning DH's visit in the letter and adding ' I want you to keep an eye on him, he is very precious to me'.

AIBU to find this feels like a veiled criticism of me? WWYD or write/say in response? Is it worth challenging her on this?

OP posts:
GrockleBocs · 13/12/2017 18:46

I also read that as just worry and no reflection on you.

PeonyBucket · 13/12/2017 18:46

It sounds like something a worried mother would say. I can't see anything offensive in it. I think you're overthinking it.

3timeslucky · 13/12/2017 18:47

I read that as a sign that she's worried about her son and letting you know that. I don't see any criticism in it. If I was replying I'd simply be saying "Don't worry, he is precious to me also and I will of course be keeping an eye on him".

Kintan · 13/12/2017 18:47

What a sweet thing for her to say about her adult son. I agree with pp - she is worried about him - and trusts you as her eyes and ears as she can't keep an eye on him herself. Hope he is back to normal soon and you get to take a well deserved rest soon :)

F4ttyBumBum · 13/12/2017 18:48

I think she's worried about him and you might want to think whether he's said something concerning to her that he has not said to you (like suicidal thoughts)?

diddl · 13/12/2017 18:49

Sounds odd to me.

It's the "I want you to keep an eye on him"

Wtf does she think that Op has been doing?

If he needs 24/7 care, perhaps he'd better go & stay with her.

NavyGold · 13/12/2017 18:51

She's just a mum worrying about her son, that all.
Stressful time for all of you Flowers

hesterton · 13/12/2017 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hesterton · 13/12/2017 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BenLui · 13/12/2017 18:55

Let it go. Don’t use up any of your energy on it.

HertToHert · 13/12/2017 18:59

I would find that very offensive and it’s nothing to do with her stating her son is precious. It is a criticism of OP.

Scribblegirl · 13/12/2017 19:02

I get annoyed by this from MIL but DH is very well and she says it because she thinks he will wither and die if I fail to cook him dinner (despite being an equal earner and splitting things very equally). It annoys me because it feels like feminism never happened - now I'm in a relationship with her son my primary function is 'wife'. Thankfully DH finds it patronising bollocks too.

As your DH has been unwell I'd be inclined to let it go as anxiety.

BertrandRussell · 13/12/2017 19:02

Sounds like a worried mother to me. You would have to be really looking for slights to find one in that. But you are probably stressed and worried yourself. And it does sound as if you feel he doesn't appreciate you- sometimes depressed people can be very hard work......

littlekellysmum · 13/12/2017 19:03

I think you are assuming a bit too much or inter-relating different things to this. Perhaps that was a casual statement she makes and definitely she loves her son. So, it could be just that. Just take it easy.

missyB1 · 13/12/2017 19:04

I'm a mother of two adult sons and Ive recently become a Mil, I would not have made the comment your MIl made, it sounds a bit rude. I would have said something along the lines of
"It's such a worry seeing ds so down I'm pleased he has you to take care of him"
After all he's very precious to you too!

Autumnskiesarelovely · 13/12/2017 19:05

It might not be meant nastily, but it would help to remind her you are precious too. Jokingly, with humour.

E.g. Thanks for the letter... I am looking after your son never fear! He’s lucky to have a giving and supportive wife, ha ha. I’m sure he’d appreciate anything you do for him too. Although I do have to remind myself I need looking after too, and not wear myself out too much.

maygirl27 · 13/12/2017 19:06

Sure. And if he's very fortunate you might just keep both eyes on him...

Seeingadistance · 13/12/2017 19:09

She sounds worried about him to me.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 13/12/2017 19:10

It would fuck me right off.

‘I want you to...’ is the way you speak to someone you are giving instructions to, not your daughter in law, who you are not in a position to ‘instruct’.

She is saying...‘I’m telling you to do this’ It’s an instruction when you don’t think the person will do something unless you instruct them to.

The OP IS looking after her DH because she loves him & cares about him, not because his mother has instructed her to, believing she needs telling to do this.

Nice for Mummy Dearest to have nothing else to do but pander to her snowflake, unlike the OP who is doing this but ALSO has a house to sort, a child with SN to look after & school issues to deal with and for much longer than a couple of days.

It’s plain criticism, it’s not even veiled.

WhatCheekyFuckery. Tell DH if he’s going to bitch to his mother about you he can go & stay there, permanently.

You need 🍷 or 🥃 —and a shovel—

NataliaOsipova · 13/12/2017 19:13

I honestly wouldn't see that as veiled criticism; she's just saying that she's worried about him. I know that MILs can be difficult, though!

curryforbreakfast · 13/12/2017 19:13

She sounds like his mother. Won't your children be still precious to you when they are grown up?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 13/12/2017 19:13

Exactly Missy.

There are ways to convey that you TOO are worried, without instructing someone to do something in such a critical way.

mindutopia · 13/12/2017 19:15

I think actually that sounds really sweet of her. Unless your relationship is rocky and the content of the rest of the letter was really passive aggressive or something, I would interpret that as she sees the two of you as a source of support for him and wants to work with you to help him. My mum has told my dh on a number of occasions to keep an eye on me and make sure I'm okay - and I've not had any mental health issues or anything of that sort, just usual day to day work busy-ness and stresses. It just sounds like she's reaching out to you and trying to show her concern and acknowledge you're concerned too. I wouldn't think any more into it than that.

firawla · 13/12/2017 19:15

I’d take it as a criticism too, my in laws say this kind of thing too and it comes across as them saying that you don’t do anything and wouldn’t keep an eye or look after him normally, and like they are making out they care so much more than you would. I do find it very patronising

Nofunkingworriesmate · 13/12/2017 19:16

Unless she has history of being a bitch I'd say let it go for now, but if she says something again then make an issue if you can be bothered.
Depression It's very hard, as the partner it can get you down as well (sorry I know that's stating the bleeding obvious ) take care of yourself and make sure you get out of the house and spend it with positive happy people as frequently as you can. Your mental wellbeing is v important