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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband letting me down on my night out

124 replies

rainfall85 · 13/12/2017 08:19

My husband has had a few nights out over Christmas and has a few more planned before. I was having a little moan and he told me there's nothing stopping you from going out which is true but I find it difficult the fact he doesn't get home from work till late in the evenings and then he plays football twice a week too. If I do go out I've to still be up with the kids for school/activities.
So anyways I decided I'm going out tonight with my friends, nothing major just dinner and a few drinks. I told him about it last week and he said he'd be home at 7.
This morning when he left for work he goes to me don't forget il be late home this evening I've to interview someone. I told him I was going out and he goes no you didn't you told me you might be going out. I'm sitting here really annoyed now as the more I think about it the more sure I am he definitely knew I was going out for example I said to him yesterday x wasn't drinking so she was going to drive. AIBU to be annoyed or should I just say nothing cos it's work related.

OP posts:

onlyconnectfour · 13/12/2017 09:47

The OP will stay in and become even more resentful.
The Husband will continue his merry life doing whatever he wants whenever he wants because the OP won't ever hold him to account.

A depressing pattern of life led by millions of women .

SwimmingInLemonade · 13/12/2017 09:48

Why is he doing an interview so late in the day? Sounds bizarre. Agree it's deliberate.

SoupDragon · 13/12/2017 09:49

He is interviewing someone. He's not going out getting drunk or playing football onthis occasion, it is work commitment and you don't always get to pick and chose when those happen.

Loveatthefiveanddime · 13/12/2017 09:50

He didn't forget your plans, he has admitted he knew about your plans, he just conveniently decided that they were only 'maybe' plans.

So. Even if that were true, surely a normal person on finding out there is an interview lined up would contact you to find out whether your night out were actually happening??!

Personally I think the problem should be framed as being his problem. He knew. He double booked. He thought he was available when he actually isn't. If he can't find a sitter - and obviously he can't for reasons you have stated - then he has to fulfil his first obligation which is to be at home. Tough titties. Too bad if it puts the interviewee off, he shouldn't have fucked up, he should have been more organised, he shouldn't have double booked.

I think you need to start pushing back hard and establishing firm lines. Be really hard nosed.

SoupDragon · 13/12/2017 09:50

Why is he doing an interview so late in the day?

Because he is interviewing someone who has to work during the day and cannot take time off? I don't think this is particularly bizarre in certain workplaces like, say, city finance.

Plipplops · 13/12/2017 09:51

Could you go out when he gets back (get friends to order for you?). Or take the baby - if it’s only a few months old will it sleep in the pray/car seat in the corner (DH could always come and collect it when he’s done).

I’d forgive it but try and go out anyway. Definitely shared calendar - we used to have some friends who could never commit to anything without checking with the other half. Shared calendar means we can check straight away if the other is free so we can make plans, and we both know when we need to be somewhere/look after the kids.

LaPampa · 13/12/2017 09:52

I agree with the suggestions that finding childcare is his problem. He double booked therefore he has to sort the issue. Nice practice I can see this is a little more difficult but I think the point needs to be made to him.

MargaretCavendish · 13/12/2017 09:53

Why is he doing an interview so late in the day? Sounds bizarre. Agree it's deliberate.

If 7 is his 'getting home early' time then I'd also guess that there might be a big commute involved here. That might be the time he'll get home if he leaves at 5, in which case the interview really wouldn't have to be that late at all to make him later than the OP wants to go out.

NerudaIsHeaven · 13/12/2017 09:53

He is interviewing someone. He's not going out getting drunk or playing football onthis occasion, it is work commitment and you don't always get to pick and chose when those happen.

I agree, but if this was my DP he would have been a lot more apologetic about it. He wouldn't have pretended that he didn't know I was going out.

That's where OP's DH is in the wrong.

SoupDragon · 13/12/2017 09:53

The OP thinks she said they were definite plans, her DH thinks they were only"maybe". It's impossible for us (or anyone really) to say who is right.

The only certain fact is that there needs to be better communication and "booking" of nights out.

LaPampa · 13/12/2017 09:55

Ps. Any suggestions for shared calendar. I’ve tried a physical calendar in kitchen but he forgets to write on it/look at it. We have a google calendar but it’s not his main email and he doesn’t use an iPhone so he has to remember to log into it. When I send invites from my phone calendar to his work email they aren’t outlook compatible he says so they don’t go in his work diary. What do you all use?

MargaretCavendish · 13/12/2017 09:55

He is interviewing someone. He's not going out getting drunk or playing football onthis occasion, it is work commitment and you don't always get to pick and chose when those happen.

Thank god, I was starting to feel like the only one who had ever worked somewhere where 'nah, can't, wife wants to go out with her friends tonight' wouldn't be an OK reason to cancel a work commitment!

Loveatthefiveanddime · 13/12/2017 09:59

But if he had apologised properly and tried to find a solution with her it would have helped. (I am assuming he didn't here).

And if he admitted he thought it was a 'maybe' then he admitted he knew. And basically disregarded it, as any normal person would make a quick call and check with their OH. Or tell the OH ahead of time that they have to do a work thing so OH can plan and rearrange maybe.

00100001 · 13/12/2017 09:59

Get him to rearrange the interview.

ReanimatedSGB · 13/12/2017 10:00

Lapampa: the problem is that your H also doesn't think you should have any time for yourself. He's making excuses and 'forgetting' to look at calendars because his time matters and yours doesn't. No matter what kind of device or method you suggest, he will continue sabotaging your free time, because you don't 'know your place' and need to be made to accept that your adult life is over and you are now a domestic servant.

Loveatthefiveanddime · 13/12/2017 10:00

But MargaretCavendish he could have bloody told her and showed that he understood that he was letting her down massively! The interview wasn't arranged this morning was it!

Loveatthefiveanddime · 13/12/2017 10:02

Reanimated do you really think it as cold and calculated as that?
I tend to think it is men just taking for granted, totally not appreciating what their wives are going through.

KERALA1 · 13/12/2017 10:02

Nah don't buy this "all must bow down the big important MAN and his WORK commitments"

He is interviewing someone. So presumably he is senior. OP "told him last week" about her very rare night out. So when his secretary is arranging the interview DH tells her "I can do Tuesday or Thursday but not Wednesday 13th". Thats all he needed to do. And he didn't because in his mind - OP doesn't matter and thats shit and a lack of respect.

Karigan1 · 13/12/2017 10:05

Not acceptable. Why the hell cant he be back by 7 anyway. Even if he had to interview it should be in working hours not evening. Unless he’s a shift worker or some form of emergency services this just isn’t right particularly when you routinely let him have two nights a week anyway. I’d be absolutely fuming!!!

Book a babysitter tell him he has to pay him /her and you’re leaving at your prearranged time.

ReanimatedSGB · 13/12/2017 10:06

Loveat: Pretty much. He doesn't want to give his partner any free time or have to consider her at all: she's a domestic appliance, not an actual person. So he will resist/sabotage/make excuses so that he is never inconvenienced, because women exist for men's benefit, end of.

Karigan1 · 13/12/2017 10:06

Oh and I’m saying this as the main wage earner in our house. I would never do that to my partner!

IvorBiggun · 13/12/2017 10:07

I would be fucking livid at the disrespect and contempt he has shown for me.

We have a shared Google calendar that we put stuff in so there’s no excuses. Want to stay late at work? Check the damn calendar to see if you can do that and if not make other arrangements. If it’s not in the calendar it’s not happening and whoever gets in first gets priority.

I bet he never double books himself on football evenings

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 13/12/2017 10:09

I tend to think it is men just taking for granted, totally not appreciating what their wives are going through.

And is that really more acceptable than a full on calculated decision to not turn up?
Because what I read is a total lack of respect, not caring at all for the other person and thinking that they are beneath them (men) so just dint matter.
I’m actually think I would prefer someone who is doing that in purpose. At least, they would consider you as equal (so you can hope to do something about it) rather than a nobody only worth doing childcare and cleaning their pants.

swimlyn · 13/12/2017 10:10

…he told me there's nothing stopping you from going out…
Except his so called ‘needs’ trumping yours every time.

My first husband used to do things like you are experiencing now…
Says it all really.

MargaretCavendish · 13/12/2017 10:10

Loveatthefiveanddime I completely agree, and have always said that he's behaved terribly - in previous posts I said:

What he's done is really infuriating, in large part because he really has stuck her with it - by announcing it this morning he's left them with not a lot of options to solve the problem.

I absolutely agree that the DH has behaved unacceptably here and that OP is justified in being annoyed

Of course he should have been apologetic. Of course he should either have rearranged the interview earlier, if possible, or at the very least told her as soon as he possibly could that he couldn't be home early that night, so she had the chance to rearrange her plans. I don't at all disagree with all the posts saying he's a thoughtless twat. I just think it's unrealistic (and, to be honest, makes the posters sound completely out of touch) to imagine that she can just demand that he cancels the interview today, and that will all be fine. It's really easy to say to someone else 'make him come home, then!', it's not actually very useful advice to OP. It seems to me that the posters concentrating on ensuring this doesn't happen again are being much more useful.

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