To be shocked at teacher telling DD to 'hold in' period.

[yaela123]

DD is 15 and her school have a no going to the toilet during lesson time rule, which I completely agree with on the whole as I know how disruptive it can be if people are constantly in and out, and how everyone just uses it as an excuse to bunk off (I am a teacher too - very different environment though)

Only exception is if you have a medical note from a doctor.

Today in one of her lessons DD says she could feel that she really needed to change her pad, she was getting quite worried about it leaking. She eventually asked the (male) teacher if she could go to the loo.

Teacher: No, you know the rules
DD: I really need it.
Teacher: What did I just say?
DD: It's a girl problem...
Teacher: What do you mean?
DD: Umm... I'm on my period
Teacher: Break is only in half an hour, hold it in til then

Obviously those aren't the exact words said but she says it's pretty accurate.
DD is quite shy so did just wait til break (no leakage btw).

She doesn't seem overly bothered but AIBU to be pretty shocked at him telling her to hold it in? Surely even men have some basic idea that it doesn't work like that?

I don't let the kids leave my lessons, to fill up their water bottles or for the toilet unless in emergencies. I hear 'but miss, if I can't have a drink I am going to faint!' 'so shall i just sit here and wet myself, then!?' 'but i am on my period' - you know what? In ten years, I have never had a single student faint from lack of water, wet themselves or flood a sanitary pads on my lessons.

A lot of kids seem to think only about their very immediate environments; I notice this a lot about classes. It's easy enough for them to be quiet, but they need to speak to their friends NOW whilst you are taking the register, they can't wait ten seconds! Lunch is only an hour away but they must eat their crisps NOW whilst in a science lab; and as soon as they need the loo they want to go, without even considering that they could, actually, wait 25 mins for the next break, like I have to ......

Holding wee in? That I can do.

Jesus wept, so a girl should only be allowed to go to the loo once she's already leaked? Not at the point where she thinks it a possibility? This is such a depressing thread.

That is not what I'm saying! I am saying that the OP's DD should have gone to the toilet before the lesson - to then go when she didn't really need to through the middle of a lesson I said disruptive.

Is it fair that a usually badly behaved girl could end up with a leak ?
Potentially, but I'll be honest when I do allow students to leave it is based on multiple things (school policy is default not but if you think there is a real need as in 'got to go' rather than 'i'd rather go now than at break' then we have discretion).

Usually for me the things that set my spidey senses/teacher intuition off are:

• who the student is (e.g. do they ask every lesson or is this someone who rarely asks?)

• when was the last/next break? (e.g. straight after break or right before lunch is a no from me)

• how they ask (e.g. hand up and when i get there they quietly ask to be excused to the loo vs 'miss can i go to the toilet?' called across the room)

• how they respond when i say 'school policy is not during lessons' (e.g. a child who is genuine will be fine when i say 'ask me in 5 if you're still desperate' / 'you need to make thr time back' / 'get to the end of that question and give me a call' whereas timewasters tend to want to get me involved in a discussion about how desperate they are, why they'll wet themselves, they'll try ti get other students involved etc in other words it's a total pantomime)

So well behaved girl asks quietly, i say the school policy is X but ask in 5 mins and she looks at me and aays 'but miss, it's a bit.. you know...' then i'll say 'go on quick and you owe me' and the girl leaves and is back quickly.
Loud girl calls across the room and when i outline school policy starts trying to debate the rules with me 'but i'm sooo desperate i might wet myself. I might actually wee' etc then not a chance. It's a total work avoidance technique because trying to argue with me about going ti the toilet is also achieving the same aim: getting out of working. So i walk away, tell to get in and ignire them.

Rabbit you do not sound like the kind of teacher a child would tell if they flooded so maybe it has actually happened in your 10 years.

One of those is it Snow?

I did wonder.

He probably did not hear clearly what your DD said.

Or he has a poor understanding of periods.

And just for the record, I did have a humiliating 'gush' at school. I'm still cringing 15 years later! But in this scenario the OP's DD did not and did not need to leave the lesson.

It's better for her to learn how to plan now when she still can get up and leave if really desperate, then find herself on a bus in the future where she didn't think to plan and has no way of sorting herself out for some time.

Wonderlime said "there will be lots of times in the future where she will have to preplan and manage her period without being able to access a toilet"

There will. But hopefully by then she will be a grown women and not a teenager in a classroom of other teenagers, none of whom will handle a leak maturely.

Agree with others here that this thread might be the most depressing one on mn, in which teenage girls who are worried about public leaking shouldn't go to the toilet until they actually have leaked or can prove they are about to, because others cannot be trusted not to lie to get out of class. Going by much of the comments here, all us women are in denial about our periods, anyway, (or in need of monthly emergency care because we cannot possibly be bleeding as much as we say we are without there being a critical problem) so it seems lying about them is more common than I thought.

I started off thinking the teacher was ignorant of menstruation but have ended up thinking many women are too.

To me, if a teenage girl (or a fully grown woman) think she may leak and there is a toilet nearby and no one will die if she goes then it is nothing short of cruel to try to prevent her going to check and clean up, regardless of class schedule, important presentations or whatever.

when was the last/next break? (e.g. straight after break or right before lunch is a no from me)

So you would have refused this girl too because the lesson was directly before break

Pull the other one. You’ve barely taken a minutes break from here all day!

I've had my periods for nearly 20 years now and I still get caught by surprise by my flow. I know some girls may use their period as an excuse to get out of class but I'd rather that happen than leave a girl struggling and worrying that's she's going to leak in class.

What do you mean, "those aren't the exact words used but it's pretty accurate"? What did he actually say?

I flooded my night time pad in 10 minutes last month. I leaked through my jeans.
Next pad lasted 4 hours.
It’s hit and miss for me. I can’t believe people think it’s the same for everyone.

I’d email the teacher a long lengthy email in depth about how periods work.

If he actually used the words ‘hold it in’ then yes I would complain. However, presumably she knows the ‘no toilet break rule’ so should have prepared better and used the toilet before lesson. I think highlighting his ignorance to the head is important in this occasion if those were his exact words, but also tell your daughter to plan things better in future.

but miss, it's a bit.. you know...' then i'll say 'go on quick and you owe me' and the girl leaves and is back quickly.

Owe you what exactly?
Why is going to the toilet seen as some gift teachers give out?

This annoyed me as a child that my need for the toilet was governed by somebody else.
I appreciate some children are not genuine and the teachers know who they are but all children are then meant to suffer or be grateful.
Its very weird to have that power over something as personel as using the toilet.

So you would have refused this girl too because the lesson was directly before break
If the point where she asks is right before lunch then yes.

I don't let students go to the toilet when they've just had break or they are just about to go for lunch.

Say break ends at 10:15. No student can come to my lesson and claim they are totally ajd utterly desperate at 10:30. They have just had break. If they are so bursting tjey are 'going to totally wet themselves' just into my lesson then they could have gone at break.

Lunch is 12. At 11:45 nobody is going to the toilet unless they have a medical need or a toilet pass. It's 15 mins til lunch.

Child has 2 lessons between break and lunch but is deperate part way through the 2nd lesson and it's not right before lunch - then i would use my discretion.

It is, but when you are legally accountable for their whereabouts you get used to thatveryquickly.

Still here?

Surely a toilet break means they are still in school?

Owe you what exactly?
Time missed.

Starting to feel like I'm on another planet here.

Teacher comes on and says:

1. School policy is not in class but if staff think it's a desperate moment then use discretion
2. Teacher outlines how they use discretion because more students are piss takers than people may like to believe (and I'm all too aware what happens when staff don't exercise appropriate discretion - namely blanket bans get put ib place which isn't good for anyone)
3. Teacher essentially gets told they're awful for daring to use any sense to suss out who's wasting time and who isn't.

I like having the ability to exercise discretion.
When teachers don't and it's a free for all around site that's when senior leaders say 'blanket ban other than medical' and all toilets get locked during lesson times.
Personally, i want to avoid tjat situation

I wouldn't email. Because actually she didn't leak. And she definitely wouldn't have done if she had changed her pad just before the two hour class. That's the answer here. Other girls may have heavy flooding periods, but not your DD on this occasion. It's not her battle to fight. And it's definitely not yours.