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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be honest with OH about Christmas presents?

104 replies

WhyamIBoredathome · 11/12/2017 14:33

I have been well trained by my parents to accept presents gratefully, as it is after all the thought that counts. This is the policy I have stuck to almost unfailingly until now.
But now I begin to wonder if it's a good idea...

Two years ago for Christmas OH bought me a decorative item for the home. Said item is not really to my taste, it's the sort of thing I think you would normally find in the home of someone 20-30 years older than us. However I thanked him graciously amd put item on display on upstairs landing (where I only see it in passing so it doesn't bother me as much).
I've just accidentally found my Christmas presents for this year while putting away laundry (he left them unwrapped on the top of his t-shirt drawer). He has got me another one in the same collection of decorative items. These things are not cheap, about £40 I think.

WIBU to be honest and tell him it's not really my taste? I don't want to be ungrateful but I'm a little worried that he will continue buying items from the collection and there's rather a lot of them. I really don't want to hurt his feelings but It seems like such a waste of money for something that I'd rather not have on display.

I am not at all grabby or materialistic before anyone accuses me of this. When he asked what I wanted I told him just a box of chocs and get the kids to make me some nice cards.

OP posts:

ToadOfSadness · 11/12/2017 17:09

You could say something like 'I hope you haven't got me another ...'

You could Ebay them.

I am ungrateful and have rejected all the things I didn't want over the years, a fancy gold watch, I have watches and none of them are fancy, would never have used it. Things I already have or would never use or wear. It all went back for a refund because I said it would be better to pay off some of the bills than for me to keep things I would never use. The house is full of clutter, we don't need any more.

I have a wish list sometimes, but often I don't want much, however I do make it clear that I don't expect anything.

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 11/12/2017 17:11

Just a thought - you say you found them while putting laundry way. So...isn't he going to know that you've found them, since he'll have clean clothes in his drawers that weren't there before?

I agree with most of the others though, you're bending over backwards and essentially giving up your Christmas presents to protect his feelings, when he hasn't even tried to think of yours. An ornament and the exact same food which you told him you didn't like last time he bought them? He might as well have given an empty box with 'it'll do' written on it. Just tell him you've found them and ask who they're for given that he knows you don't like that food.

Corneliusmurphy · 11/12/2017 17:11

Two weeks to go -this is fixable, it'll be a slightly crappy conversation but I don't think his feelings are more important than yours.

He asked what you wanted you said and then he just overrode it, I find this this really rude!! Plus you're going to end up with a big collection of stuff you don't like and are too polite to say.

Pearlsaringer · 11/12/2017 17:16

So tricky. I had the same upbringing, OP. I agree you should tell him but I would find it hard to do so. Could you say you have found it and though it was a lovely thought would he be very offended if you changed it for something else from the same place? If he is Hell bent on choosing it himself you may have to prime the owner in advance so they can steer him in the right direction when he goes in to exchange it.

On the other hand if you really can’t tell him you may have to accept it with good grace but when you do your next charity shop clear out make sure he sees it’s in the pile together with its little friend. Then you can say it was lovely at the time but you feel like a change. Hopefully no more will appear.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 11/12/2017 17:22

I think it’s different telling your husband than telling anybody else. I think you should.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 11/12/2017 17:23

Could you do a charity shop/ebay clear out with the first one on the top and ask him whether there is anything to add to it to clear out before Christmas. He might get the hint, or if not at least you will only have one of them after Christmas!

Bekabeech · 11/12/2017 17:25

I would probably have a subtle conversation maybe about your friend "Margot" whose husband kept buying her awful presents = like my DH who I asked for a Cardigan, but he bought me a thick chunky one when I wanted a light thin one. And then as part of it remind your DH how you didn't really like that "Sweet" he bought last year, and although you appreciate the "ornament" he bought you - its not really your taste/doesn't go with the house and you'd hate to get a whole collection of them.
The other key thing is to get the kids on your side - although when I'd deliberately primed my youngest with exactly the book I wanted once, DH still over ruled her and got a different one instead - I was disappointed.

Qwebec · 11/12/2017 17:30

Your parents taught you the importance of being grateful. It is a very valuable lesson. But you are an adult now and get to see what works for you and what does not. Emancipation is a key part of adulthood, if not we would still be hunters and gatherers.
I regulaly hear women complaining that there husband gived them a terrible gift for years and can't come clean because of all the lies.

He might initially be disapointed, but I'm sure he would rather you get something you really like than something you hate.

You can still say you are so grateful he thaught of you and say you would rather have x from the shop.

Turquoise123 · 11/12/2017 17:31

You say lovely but no more - any more would be too much and would spoil things. 2 Is just perfect . Just right.

ferrier · 11/12/2017 17:32

I'd do it a bit differently.
Put them both up for this year. Then in six months time just put them away in the back of a cupboard. At some point he will notice so then you just say you got a bit tired of them, wanted your clean lines back, less dusting etc.

MagicFajita · 11/12/2017 17:34

I admitted to my dp that I don't hate his gifts but get a little annoyed as they're things for everyone (household stuff mainly) and he struggled to understand what I meant.

Fast forward to this year and his secret Santa gift from work was a voucher for baby clothes (we've just had a ds and i have two from a previous relationship) and he finally knows what I mean!

Floellabumbags · 11/12/2017 17:35

You're going to have to tell him.
DH once bought me a horrible picture of a handbag, which I found in the spare room. His reasoning was that I like bags so I suggested that he could maybe just buy me an actual bag instead.

Mollie85 · 11/12/2017 17:39

Haven’t read the full thread, just the op, but my ex from many Moons ago did this with Lilliput Lane cottages (because he’d heard me faux exclaim about my mums extensive collection).

I was 24. I lived in a bedsit and had barely had enough room for a sofa let alone the stained pine Welsh dresser required to display such fine (ahem) ornaments.

I let him buy me two then I had a word...
He was thankful, items to my real taste (cds/vinyl) were a lot cheaper ...

SeamstressfromTreacleMineRoad · 11/12/2017 18:05

Years ago, I took both DC and DH into the record shop (told you it was s long time ago..!) and showed each of them the Joyce Grenfell LP that I would like for Christmas.
Come Christmas morning, there was my large flat parcel - I opened it eagerly -- to reveal the soundtrack of Yentel...
Three faces looked at me in self-satisfaction, and three voices said, 'We know you like Barbra Streisand'....!!!
I gave up after that....

BonnieF · 11/12/2017 18:09

Good grief, if you can't be honest with your OH, who can you be honest with? I much prefer honesty to dishonest over-politeness.

I ask DP what he wants for Christmas, he tells me, I buy it, and vice-versa. The great advantage of this approach is that we both end up getting what we want, and avoid a house full of unwanted old tat

ToothTrauma · 11/12/2017 18:12

Say something, and don’t just hint. If he’s anything like mine he won’t get it.

My DH has a terrible habit of planning elaborate homemade craft presents. He is not a crafter. I do not like homemade presents. I can tell he thinks I’m unromantic but I don’t care! I give him a very strict list

OldJoseph · 11/12/2017 18:15

Since he hasn't hidden the item very well I'd be honest and say 'I couldn't help notice x when I was putting away the laundry (the laundry I want a week off from doing-ie you do it instead, not just not done). It's not for me is it? I honestly only want some Hotel Chocolate this year'. If you have the time you could offer to return it for him.

Ellendegeneres · 11/12/2017 18:35

Oh god, a week off laundry...
Sadly, in this house whilst I'd get away with it, I'd be catching up for weeks ☹️

My dp is celebrating Christmas for the first time this year, I've got him a few bits and he's asking me what I'd like. I don't want presents, I want to clear stuff out not get more in. How do you tell someone that and have it wrapped for Christmas Day...

Op please tell him. I'd want to open something I wanted not have to plaster on a fake smile and stare at it and it's friends that will join for years to come

MrsDilber · 11/12/2017 18:48

I'd have to say. I bought DH a cheeseboard last year and it's been thrown out already, we laugh about it (as it was personalised) and totally naff, I really dropped the ball, it wasn't his only gift, but a stocking filler. I always send DH emails of things I like thought the year, as I come across them. He may not buy exactly the thing I want, but he's pretty close as he knows my taste, the shops I like.

littlepoppett · 11/12/2017 18:48

OP can see a photo of the item in question so we can give the best advice?

littlepoppett · 11/12/2017 18:49

Can we I mean

SameWitches · 11/12/2017 20:01

If you don't like the ornament and an 'accident' is unlikely stand upstairs when he's doing something out of the way downstairs and throw the offending item really hard at the wall whist simultaneously slamming a door and then run away, appearing at the same time he does to say 'what on EARTH was that?' and look puzzled. You can have that plan for nothing OP, I'm an evil genius, I have loads of them.

QuimReaper · 11/12/2017 20:23

Floella a picture of a handbag?!

OP, I would tolerate it this year but next year, announce a new policy that you only want consumable gifts, i.e. smellies, candles, edibles etc. You may not always get what you want that way but you won't be stuck with them for long!

I also find that this way you get slightly more expensive and fancy things than you'd buy for yourself - if people are trying to buy you a candle as a present they'll probably go for a posh Jo Malone or something rather than a supermarket version, or they'll go for Aesop hand cream rather than Bayliss & Hardy, etc., and that way you get to use nice stuff on the regular and not always be "saving it for best".

topcat2014 · 11/12/2017 20:25

Men meaning me are shite at presents because they generally hate all forms of shopping, and don't really get the shopping as a leisure activity.

I don't want to fill my house up with tat - and so we tend to go to concerts etc instead.

The only presents I really enjoy buying are for DD.

Katyazamo · 11/12/2017 20:26

Could you not just drop into conversation how much you are looking forward to your chocolates?

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