Please help - desperate with newborn

[desperatemum17]

I really need help. Posting here for traffic.

DS is four weeks old. First couple of weeks were pretty good: he would go three hours between feeds and was easy to settle to sleep. Health visitor then noticed oral thrush and doctor prescribed Nystatin Oral Suspension for a week and a steroid cream to treat associated nappy rash. This cleared up the thrush and bottom wasn't looking sore but he began being extremely fussy after feeds and sometimes during.

For two weeks now, he will writhe and thrash around and scream after feeding. Once or twice a day, this will start while he's on the breast. I burp him straight after feeding and try to keep him upright for 20-30 mins after every feed. Despite this, he cannot be put down. If he drops off being held/ swayed, we then put him down but he wakes screaming within minutes. During the day, he sleeps on me or in our soft sling, at night he wakes every few minutes, screams, feeds to sleep, is put down, wakes, screams etc.

I've not slept for longer than 90 minutes in one go for a month and I'm seriously concerned about my husband, who feels totally helpless and like we've ruined our lives.

Some additional info:

1. exclusively breastfed
2. husband does a sensitive job within the emergency services and cannot be too sleep deprived so nights are mainly my responsibility
3. doesn't seem to be colic because he can be pacified by holding him upright, doing cycle legs so he passes wind etc but only until he's put down, when he seems like he's in agony again.

I'm worried that this is becoming dangerous: I've fallen asleep holding/ feeding him in bed a couple of times now. Mainly, I hate seeing him in such distress. Am I being unreasonable to think this is more than just newborn behaviour?

What do I do now? GP? Or do I just need to get used to this until it passes? Should I cut things like dairy out of my diet? Please help me because I'm desperate and at the moment, although I love my son, I don't like being his Mum and I hate that I've made this decision when I was happy anyway before having him.

Were you both treated for the thrush or just him ? You both need to be treated even if you don't have symptoms . Chances are he'll still have it .

OP. in the nicest possible way please do not take any suggestions on the medical or feeding needs of your tiny baby from aibu.
See a professional.

Mine did similar - huge tummy explosions (coming up either way!) and diagnosed with cows milk intolerance (although she was bottle fed - so rather than me cut out all dairy she was changed to soya milk on prescription). Eventually seemed to outgrow this - moved onto goats milk at 19 months and was on cows milk by 2.5yrs. Go really bother your HV and GP!

If it’s after every feed it sounds like an intolerance to something. Definitely go and see your GP.

Can you afford a night nanny or even a childcare nanny for a couple of days? Just to get some headspace back.
But yes, please seek help

Our DD was the same. She is a very clingy child still aged 6 but also had silent reflux from cmpa and soya. Our consultant said that mucousy, green or exploding nappies can be a sign of intolerance. Fyi if you do decide to come off dairy you need to do soya at the same time and for a minimum of 3 weeks. Watch out for bread etc.

Take him to your GP, and insist on help. Tell them you've fallen asleep, that your DH does a sensitive job, that you are becoming ill with sleep deprivation, and don't leave until you've got help.

It's really, really tough when they're tiny and you just don't know what to do. It will get better though, even though that's of absolutely no comfort now.

In the meantime and

You need to go back to your gp and discuss this.

And I’m not sure if this is comforting or not, but there may be nothing wrong at all. Da screamed constantly, produced nappies that were frankly biohazard level, refused food, didn’t sleep at all many days and I was genuinely in a state of despair. Loads of people told me it must be reflux, or dairy allergy, or intolerance. He did the fussing, gumming, screaming etc. All of it. Couldn’t put him down, never slept.

He was tried on nexium, no change
I cut out everything (all dairy, all soy, all gluten, every possible allergen) from my diet. No change.

He didn’t sleep at all (really, no more than an hour) until he was 18m. We saw sleep specialists, paediatricians, the lot. All agreed there was absolutely nothing wrong with him and that some babies are just hard work (just! Ha!)

Don’t start cutting out things from his diet or yours without medical advice.
Get some help so you can sleep.
Learn to feed lying down and look at safe cosleeping - without this I’d have gone under.

It may be reflux or intolerance but he may simply be a baby towards the higher needs end You and I can’t tell - see your doctor.

My sympathies - newborns are hard work, ones who won’t sleep doubly so.

I think I have a fast letdown. Sometimes, when he comes off the breast, it will squirt across the room. I also seem to be producing a lot. When I feed from one side, the other side will often leak through breast pads and clothes.

Baths seem to help him and he does fall asleep in the pram as long as it's moving.

I've considered a dummy but then read an article by La Leche League, which basically suggested that dummies were for mothers who were too lazy and selfish to feed their babies for comfort. This is so, so emotionally draining.

Sounds like it could be silent reflux, see a doctor

Oh love, all those articles on what you SHOULD be doing. They do nothing but make you feel bad.

Does a dummy help? If so, use it. Bugger everyone else and bugger their opinions, they will have them anyway. Do what makes your life easier.

Fast let down - have you been on the kellymom website? It’s a FANTASTIC resource. Non judgey and totally evidence based. Get thee over to it and look at ways of coping with fast let down. Tell the LLL to shove their dummy hatred up their arses, they aren’t the ones surviving on no sleep!

Ds refused a dummy but by god, if Theoretical Future Second Baby will have one he can have one.

You do what gets you through. It’s bloody hard

Sounds like reflux to me, although I have no direct experience.

I felt I had to comment though. My username marks a dark day for me with my third baby. She’s was just being a four week old baby and the adrenaline boost had worn off. I was dog tired and fed up.

It’s been my username now for 12 weeks. We’re back on track. I just needed a good kip and a day away from all 3 kids.

It does sound like there’s something else going on with your baby so get back to the docs. But, ime, week four isn’t particularly fun, but it doesn’t last long.

And try a dummy. I laugh in the face of anyone that would dare call me lazy!

@ineedwine99 yes, he has hiccups loads too. We have his cot on an incline too. I can't do 12 months of this. I go back to my own, incredibly stressful, job full time when he's 10 months old...

@AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered I put him on his front last night and he fell asleep straight away. We also have the angelcare breathing monitor. Do you think it's okay to do? I just feel like such a failure for considering something which is potentially dangerous.

@BrambleandCuthbert thank you I don't know how you survived for 6 months. I am going to do everything you've suggested. Tricky with husband because he works 12 hour shifts, 6 days on and 4 days off. He's a firearms officer in the Met so really can't be going in like a zombie through tiredness but he's about to start 4 days off after tonight. My biggest issue is that by the end of his 6 days on, I am totally and utterly broken and so, so desperate.

I agree Cows milk protein allergy and silent reflux. My daughter is now 7 and I remember how hard those days were.

Unfortunately silent reflux is not as recognised as the sickly type of reflux and as the baby puts on weight - we kept being told she was thriving!

We ended up having to go private to get her diagnosed, by the time this happened there was bits of coffee coloured vomit stains on her baby grow - this was blood from the acid burning away at her throat.

We only took my daughter out in a pram twice she screamed the whole time she was upright in a pushchair by 12 weeks to keep her comfortable it can help to tilt the head end of the cot. (just seen your son will sleep in pram if moving) - I found my daughter when a bit older was much better with distraction. push chair moving things to look at.

I was mixed feeding myself and bottle - she would take a gulp of the bottle and scream for ages could not console her, she was really hungry but it hurt to feed. It is not right for a baby to be uncomfortable when feeding (yes wind after but not while feeding)

We learnt to rub her back to bring up wind not pat it as it made the reflux worse, tight clothing round stomach makes it worse to, so she was in baby grows till about 3 months then dungarees after.

Even sleeping on us she was never comfortable lying on her back always wanted to be upright on us.

I would try cutting dairy out of your diet and see if it helps, but also make an appointment at the doctor as you may need medication for reflux, Google silent reflux and see if the symptoms sound familiar. Trust your gut feeling, so may people told me first child - first time Mum, babys cry but I knew something more was wrong and I cried when she got diagnosed, from relief. If things do not get better please persevere with doctors, there was a campaign when my daughter was younger to get doctors to recognise silent reflux so really hoping it is more widely known now.

It can and will get better but you will probably need medical help. Please feel free to contact me if I can be of any help, I have done a lot of research into reflux - tried everything. I had a lot of help from Parents on a Reflux board on Baby centre.

My daughter is very unusual in she still has reflux at the age of 7, normally well controlled with medication she also has lots of food allergies.

I really hope things get better for you soon, I know how hard it is and was many times in total despair in the early days.

for you, too.

If your husband is in the Met, you must be in London -? I can't recommend the paediatric A&E at the Royal London enough. They were brilliant for us, and really got things on the right track. Do see your GP first, though.

(I don't know how I survived either - but I did and I hope that's some encouragement to you, too.)

Agree with others who say it sounds like silent reflux. His behaviour is very similar to my DD's around the same age - she had severe reflux and nothing improved until the paediatrician put her on ranitidine (Gaviscon did nothing but make her constipated).

I really feel for you, OP. I remember well how desperate it can feel with a non-sleeping, constantly demanding newborn, especially the feeling that you are in a hellish tunnel from which you will never emerge. Trust me, you will, and it will likely be sooner than you think. My DD started doing six-hour stretches at night at eight weeks, after being a screaming, 90-minutes-max, bassinet-refusing nightmare for what felt like forever. Of course, this was after we had had her reflux properly diagnosed and treated.

We never tried co-sleeping as I was terrified of rolling onto her at night, even though she slept much better and longer in someone's arms, and would usually wake up and scream as soon as we put her down. However, I'm glad we persisted with soothing her in the bassinet (patting, singing, music machine) and I think this helped contribute to her eventually becoming a good sleeper, although I know that co-sleeping has worked for many people (indeed, for some, it's the only thing that works).

Oh and a dummy can help reflux if it helps do it - it is more important that your son is settled and you get some sleep than worrying about what people think.

Call your HV. They should have left you a phone number. And the GP to make an emergency appointment for your lo. I would do those things before I would consider letting him sleep on his front at four weeks.
I used dummies with both my dc and also managed to bf them for an eternity years.

My mum is a teacher and finishes for Christmas next Wednesday: she's said that she'll come and stay and we'll figure it out together, which has made me feel better.

Thank you all for your comments: you've made me feel like I'm not going to lose my mind quite yet. My plan is: see the health visitor tomorrow morning and ask her opinion (she seemed good when I met her before and sent us to the GP for the oral thrush) and then see the GP. Unfortunately, our doctors are absolutely useless and actually notorious for being so among other local healthcare professionals.

I am going to enquire about reflux in particular and possible allergies. DS currently fast asleep on my shoulder which, although I still can't actually move off the sofa or sleep myself, is very nice.

Can anyone suggest a brand of dummy in particular?

Have a look at Over-supply on Kellymom website - if you have an oversupply he may be getting too much of the watery/sugary milk and not the fatty part which irritates their tummy and can cause acid reflux and explosive nappies. Green poo nappies are an indicator.

There are things you can do to manage an oversupply and you could try that while you're waiting for any medication.

@BrambleandCuthbert thank you. Sounds so similar - if he sleeps on us, it has to be on his front or sitting upright on our laps.

I feel like I'm a little more equipped to at least bring it up with the GP now. We're in Essex, rather than London, which adds to the length of my husband's days and feels like salt on the wound when I'm desperate for him to be home!

Did you enjoy any of the first few months? If so, how?

All of mine (after a hellish sleep deprived time with my first) have been tummy sleepers. I co slept for first 4/5 months and they were on their tummies on me so it made sense (to me) to continue that into the cot, in our bedroom, next to our bed. All on angelcare pads etc. I don't go around reccommending it, it was and is an absolute personal choice but by god it saved my sanity and i got some sleep. And i'm not talking 6 hr stretches but just enough that i could function. It's so hard. You are always and will always be second guessing yourself but, you are not alone in that.

@user1471451564 the times I've fallen asleep holding him, he's always been tummy down, laying on my chest, which seems to be the only place he is remotely comfortable.

Hand expressing a little bit before baby latching can help with a fast let down. I found that really helped reduced my baby's wind as she wasn't haven't to gulp trying to keep up with my let down.

If baby will sleep on you in an upright position, is there anyone that can come and hold baby just so you can have a snooze? Sleep deprivation makes everything so much harder