To have finally said something

[Zoozee]

Hi there. I realise this isn't anything major in the grand scheme of things but I'm fed up and need a rant. I have two dd's age 15 and 11 with my Dh and putting it mildly I'm sick to death with my Sil's continuous comments about my youngest dd not being girly.

Basically, my dd is a beautiful young lady, lovely hair, fairly slim and very athletic. She isn't a girly girl at this point and in my opinion this is absolutely fine she is who she is. She is very particular about her clothes and despite the fact she looks great dressed up she is more comfortable wearing leggings over sized sweatshirts, joggers, sports tops etc and I don't see a problem with this. She is always clean her clothes are in good condition and are mostly brands that "fit in" with other kids these days.

What I'm fuming about is my Sil constantly making comments. She's said many times in front of my dd that she's a tom boy and should be playing with boys and that she should start wearing dresses and skirts. That in itself annoyed me but then she went on and on how my nieces (she has 3 dd's) are all wearing stuff from grown up shops and that they wouldn't be seen out wearing leggings and joggers.

Now what she lets her dd's wear is her decision. I personally feel the clothes are really inappropriate for their age ie really really short skirts, boob tunbe style tops, short dresses etc but that's just my opinion and would never dream of saying that to my Sil or my nieces.

Well last night my dd was talking to her cousin online and my neice asked my dd what she'd be wearing over xmas and I think my dd just said oh the usual and that she'd been shopping last week with me and her auntie (my sister). My neice then turned round and said oh so you're just going to turn up at my house in your scruffs like you always do and that she should be wearing something girly and make up. This really upset my dd and she came down all worked up asking what is wrong with what she wears. Well
I'd had enough. I decided to phone my Sil and have a word to ask her to tell me neice to not speak to my dd like that as she's really upset her. My Sil then said well I don't think she's in the wrong she was only speaking the truth. I lost it and said that my dd is 11 not 18 and if she wants to still be a child and not walk around in clothes that show off her backside and chest then that's up to her. Sil has then shouted at me telling me I'm being over sensitive and that she always wants her dd's to look pretty and obviously I don't care what my dd looks like. At that point I slammed the phone down as I really was about to say something I'd regret. I've never even so much as had a crossed word with my Sil before but she imo is completely out of order and my nice horrid. My neice is always having digs at my dd and it's not fair. They're now not speaking to me but my Dh agrees they are out of order. It's the last thing I need a fall out before Christmas but I couldn't sit back any longer and have my dd be the subject of ridicule. Aibu?

YANBU. Not at all. Good for you in sticking up for her.

I hate this 'look like a hooker' stuff some mums encourage their DDs into wearing so, so young. But I wouldn't comment on it to them, as it's their choice. You and your daughter's choice should also be respected by your SiL. Her comments are unpleasant, hurtful and rude.

SIL is a total knob.

Christmas will be better without her I'd say.

You will have made your dd feel better about herself.

Good for you sticking up for your DD. I still dress like that sometimes. There's nothing wrong with being comfortable, as long as clean. Your SIL is a stuck up piece of work and it may be worth going NC with her and nieces for a while to help your DD. Not going to be easy I know but if they can't see how hurtful they are then they're not worth having in your life. Honestly is have said something to your SIL about her poor dress sense for her kids (or what I've gathered from what you've written). Otherwise every time the conversation moves to clothes, you and DD could politely say you're not discussing it and if they continue to attempt the conversation you'll have to leave/put the phone down. They're all being bullies.

It may be worth showing your DD this thread if she isn't embarrassed about you coming here for advice. She'll see that plenty of people are on her side for clothing choices to boost her confidence in what she chooses to wear.

Nieces and sil definitely in the wrong but I personally would have comforted my dd and helped her out with what to do/say if the situation arose again. No need to be rude but 'that's not very nice' and if they continue 'I'm going to go now' for eg. I don't like to fight my kids battles for them and other kids are mean sometimes so it's good for them to know how to deal with it.
I'd have been more likely to address it myself when the SIL was making digs as she's an adult and should know better.

I think gender norms can weigh very heavily on some people and they can feel that they absolutely *must conform. In people who police the gender behaviour of others, you can often see a kind of panic, like, "what will happen if the codes are broken?" It sounds like your SIL is like that. You, on the other hand, must have done a great job of raising your daughter not to worry about what society expects of her.

Your sister in law is a twit. What your daughter wears is none of her business- if she likes comfy, practical clothes there is nothing wrong with that. I hate to see young girls dressed like mini adults but I wouldn't comment on someone else's child dressed in what I would consider inappropriate clothing, it's up to them what they want their child to wear. Tell her to butt out!

How embarrassing for sil and her daughter that all they have to offer is their girly dress sense.

Good for you and your dd.

Op I think you did the right thing, it sounds like it was bullying behaviour, from your SiL and starting that way from cousins too. I would have had zero tolerance and would also have said something.

My DD17.5 is not a girly girl and much prefers Jeans, hoodies, tops, sports clothes to dresses and skirts. Her choice of a nice bra is a Nike sport bra (she does play footie) as they are so comfortable!

We recently went shopping for clothes for PT job interviews, she got a trouser suit and blouse. Suggestions of a skirt/dress were met with horror! I must say I sometimes wish she would dress up more, but I am not particularly into dresses, so cant say anything! She did have a prom dress, and looked beautiful, so not totally against them!

I occasionally see photos of some of her school contemporaries on FB. Always dressed to the nines, and some looking at least 25 with make up plastered on. One in particular - her prom dress at 16 was slit almost the whole length and all photos were of her pouting as she posed with her leg out of the slit and draped over different boys.

I much prefer the way that my DD dresses any day. Plenty of time for her to get into dresses and girly clothes when older (if she wants, she may not do and that is also fine). She does have make-up and will wear on a special occasion, but not on a day to day basis. Same as me really!

Let your girl be herself, stick up for her and if necessary go minimal contact with your SIL.

You were absolutely bloody right and well done you.

I had the opposite this morning with someone commenting that we all live for the day that my youngest grows out her pink phase. She's four.

I said I was more likely to celebrate her for who she is and what she enjoys while introducing her to lots of things in which she might be interested.

Where do people get off trying to force children into their own expectations regarding clothing. Clearly there need to be boundaries (yes DD2, I will make you wear a coat and boots. It's snowing. Party shoes are not going to cut it) but beyond common sense, who the fuck cares!?

Good on you OP. Your daughter is a lucky girl.

Your SIL has some pretty narrow minded ideas of what being female is all about. Your dd should feel comfortable in clean clothes, the rest really isn't important. I'll be wearing skinny jeans and jumpers over Xmas, dd will look like a sparkly Xmas ornament as small girls often do. There isn't one correct dress code.

Your DD sounds very similar to my DD and her group of friends. What a strange thing for your sister to focus on. Have people really not got better things to worry about? She sounds weird.

My dd is girly. She doesn’t wear jeans even though she owns some, which she’s worn perhaps twice. I shouldn’t force her to wear them any more than you should force your dd to wear dresses. I also hate the hooker look. My dd is 9. I have made it perfectly clear that if she wants a crop top, she wears a layer underneath.

It is a shame you didn’t at least try to nip this in the bud earlier and attempt to shut your sil down. However, I have no doubt that it would not have changed your sil’s attitude and I’m sure she is the one dripping this poison in her girls’ ears.

I know someone with a dd your dds age. She gets proper false nails, has had highlights and hair extensions. My friend said her elder sister apparently had her nips pierced. The mum is more interested in her girls’ appearance than their education or cooking them a decent meal asa they eat take away most days. It’s just all back to front.

I agree with a pp, not doing Xmas with them would be a good idea.

Good for you OP. Your SIL has no right to comment on the way your DD dresses.

Girls should dress how they choose. There's no right or wrong way. I get the feeling by some of the comments that dressing in a more relaxed way and not in a stereotypical 'girly' fashion is more respected. There is no way better than the other. As long as the girl is wearing what she wants and not bowing to pressure from other sources that's fine.

I have a niece who wanted to wear a party dress to her 6th birthday party. Her mother refused to get her one as she didn't want her wearing dresses or anything pink. That's also wrong imo.

It makes me sad that there is so much emphasis on girls' appearance. And I mean your SIL criticising your daughter for being scruffy, you for criticising your niece's clothes, and lots of posters here describing 'slutty/slappers/hooker' clothes as well as talking about still feeling pretty when dressed down or having to get dressed up for various occasions. It's a shame that physical appearance is so closely linked to female worth..

I clearly remember my mum sitting me down and talking to me about how great the world is because we're all different and that it was important to be happy with who I am / my choices. That was in response to a similar situation where I seemed to get it 'wrong' for 2 separate 'friends' - one wanted me to be more sporty, the other thought I should be more girly. In reality I was shy, quiet, liked reading and didn't really care about clothes at all.
Can you have a similar conversation with your DD? She is so much more than what she wears, her clothes are the least important thing about her.

As for your SIL, I would go and speak to her face to face. No apology, just explain that in your house, you're instilling more important values than looks / clothes and you don't expect your child to be ridiculed by her family.

Don't spend Christmas with them and in future, the second you hear SIL or any of her children make comments to your DD, you stick up for her, at that exact moment. Address whoever makes the comment, tell them it's not acceptable and that you won't be putting up with it. It'll let them know to keep their mouths shut, your dd know that she doesn't have to put up with it and it will reassure your DD that you absolutely have her back.

Is your SIL jealous of you/your daughters?

People are often bitchy and catty if they're jealous.

My sixteen year old is exactly the same, and always has been. It isnt that Ive tried to steer her that way, as she has a big sister, and passing on her clothes would have been cheaper but she likes to be comfortable, and as her lifestyle is mainly either lazy or sporty, leggings and sweatshirts are her favourite. As shes got older Ive noticed the odd girlie thing creeping in, and she likes pretty underwear.

No one, family or not, should tell anyone what to wear. Your daughter has a far healthier outlook towards clothes, in my opinion.

As a former tomboy, I thank you. My mother was like your SIL, always pressuring me into looking 'girly' and I hated it. As a grown up, I glam up with the best of them when I want to, and I look and feel comfortable when I want to.

does your dd like any celbs or people in the media or doing well.say reece witherspoon I think she is stunning.yet you can see her in pictures in her gowns.but then there are also those when she is wearing her joggers and slouch pants.
Jennifer garner in her smart outfits then in her big hoodies.
pink.
gwen Stefani.
all different yet beautiful people there are.all wear what they want.and it can interchange or stay the same from one moment to the next. but the beauty in them comes from the person rocking it from the insdie.noone can take her sas,prettyness or style from her because its her heart that wears it. let her feel strength in that.how different she is and how beautiful that we aren't all the same.
tell her some people are so stick in labels people were wrongly given. hell woman didn't vote once.didnt work.could wear anything but skirts once.stayed in the kitchen.rode side sadel.
how rediculpous does that sound to us now!
times change and fingers cross labels with it.but some people get stuck. your dd is brave and entitled to wear what the hell she like.
perhaps ask her what would she say to her friends if someone was acting as ur sil and niece were towards there clothes.it might help ease her and see how wrong they are and not her.

It's not unreasonable to teach DC that sometimes they might have to wear clothes to please other people on specific occasions. They are likely to have to wear school uniform to school, for instance, and if it's any kind of special occasion, it may be expected that they wear something 'nicer' than what they would wear for jumping in puddles or slobbing round the house. But that doesn't mean that women and girls should have to wear skirts, or heels, or make up if they don't want to. Plain dark trousers and a top that's either single colour or has a pattern on it rather than a slogan or brand name is fine.

Your SIL is keen to judge girls and teach them to be judged solely on their physical appearance. Your SIL is a shallow misogynist teaching her daughters to be nasty judgemental little bitches. Stick to your guns. Teach your daughter her body can be dressed how she wants it.

Potentially take a box set of my big fat gypsie wedding round for a Christmas present and comment to her you thought she might get some tips from the clothing for her DDs as it seemed her style?

I think it's really good that you stuck up for her and it's good for her too that she's doing what she wants and not just ' going with the flow' with what others her age are wearing just because she feels she 'should' it's a bit U of SIL to keep making comments on it so go you

YANBU - I assume this is your DH sister, not your DB wife?

I would ignore the bitch, no need to have people like that in your life. Will SIL send in flying monkeys such as PILS to tell you "It's famerlee so you have to put up with any shite they throw at you?"

Your DD sounds great and your SIL sounds monstrous.

she always wants her dd's to look pretty and obviously I don't care what my dd looks like.

? !!?? !!!???

does it not occur to her that a girl can look pretty without ebbing tarted up to the eyeballs, and wearing revealing clothes?

My DD (adult) never wears make up. She looks stunning without it - she isn't "glam", but has a fresh-faced, natural beauty that cosmetics can't begin to imitate. I'll bet your DD is the same.

Make up doesn't necessarily improve appearance.

If anything is said again just point out that your daughter doesn't need whale bum and chemicals to make her gorgeous - nature did that for her!