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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have finally said something

101 replies

Zoozee · 11/12/2017 11:57

Hi there. I realise this isn't anything major in the grand scheme of things but I'm fed up and need a rant. I have two dd's age 15 and 11 with my Dh and putting it mildly I'm sick to death with my Sil's continuous comments about my youngest dd not being girly.

Basically, my dd is a beautiful young lady, lovely hair, fairly slim and very athletic. She isn't a girly girl at this point and in my opinion this is absolutely fine she is who she is. She is very particular about her clothes and despite the fact she looks great dressed up she is more comfortable wearing leggings over sized sweatshirts, joggers, sports tops etc and I don't see a problem with this. She is always clean her clothes are in good condition and are mostly brands that "fit in" with other kids these days.

What I'm fuming about is my Sil constantly making comments. She's said many times in front of my dd that she's a tom boy and should be playing with boys and that she should start wearing dresses and skirts. That in itself annoyed me but then she went on and on how my nieces (she has 3 dd's) are all wearing stuff from grown up shops and that they wouldn't be seen out wearing leggings and joggers.

Now what she lets her dd's wear is her decision. I personally feel the clothes are really inappropriate for their age ie really really short skirts, boob tunbe style tops, short dresses etc but that's just my opinion and would never dream of saying that to my Sil or my nieces.

Well last night my dd was talking to her cousin online and my neice asked my dd what she'd be wearing over xmas and I think my dd just said oh the usual and that she'd been shopping last week with me and her auntie (my sister). My neice then turned round and said oh so you're just going to turn up at my house in your scruffs like you always do and that she should be wearing something girly and make up. This really upset my dd and she came down all worked up asking what is wrong with what she wears. Well
I'd had enough. I decided to phone my Sil and have a word to ask her to tell me neice to not speak to my dd like that as she's really upset her. My Sil then said well I don't think she's in the wrong she was only speaking the truth. I lost it and said that my dd is 11 not 18 and if she wants to still be a child and not walk around in clothes that show off her backside and chest then that's up to her. Sil has then shouted at me telling me I'm being over sensitive and that she always wants her dd's to look pretty and obviously I don't care what my dd looks like. At that point I slammed the phone down as I really was about to say something I'd regret. I've never even so much as had a crossed word with my Sil before but she imo is completely out of order and my nice horrid. My neice is always having digs at my dd and it's not fair. They're now not speaking to me but my Dh agrees they are out of order. It's the last thing I need a fall out before Christmas but I couldn't sit back any longer and have my dd be the subject of ridicule. Aibu?

OP posts:

Sprinklestar · 11/12/2017 12:20

Go no contact. She sounds toxic. I’m surprised your DH hasn’t stepped in before now.

QueenOfAccidentalDeathStares · 11/12/2017 12:20

your daughter sounds like me 30 years ago. I was comfortable in jeans and my brothers' hand-me down shirts. My mum always tried me to wear dresses..... but didn't push too hard or make me feel uncomfortable about it IYCWIM.

times are different now, and I imagine there is a lot more pressure these days.

I would like to give you a virtual applause.....

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/12/2017 12:21

Also. Going to SILS house is not the same as red carpet premier that needs dressing up for. She is giving herself airs if she thinks it is.

ReanimatedSGB · 11/12/2017 12:22

Corbyn, but the DD was upset, and needed her mum to back her up. She's only 11 and has almost certainly been brought up not to be 'rude' to people even when they are being rude to her.

Well done, OP. You are doing your DD such a lot of good by accepting her as who she is (in fact, you're doing both your DDs good with this approach as they are both learning that how they choose to dress is up to them, whether it's sparkly and girly, or practical and comfortable or whatever.)

user1495451339 · 11/12/2017 12:23

Your DD's clothes sound like they are more in line with what others of her age are wearing at 11! Are your nieces older?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 11/12/2017 12:25

I think you should make other plans gor Christmas. There will be an atmosphere - they cannot see how out of order they are being, so I doubt that you will get an apology. You (and your children) do not need Christmas day to be a continuation of this row.
I think I would email and make it clear that when you are next on contact, there is to be no commenting at all on your dd's appearance, that you view their comments as inappropriate and overstepping boundaries. Take a zero tolerance approach. But I do recommend doing it via email rather than where your dc can hear it - it is so easy for kids to get issues around how they look, so you need to stamp this out while simultaneously reassuring your dd that she is perfect just as she is.

StarOnTheTopOfTheTree · 11/12/2017 12:26

Your daughter sounds very much like mine.

She's 11 and very athletic - she dances a lot. She does wear dresses, but only with thick black tights and DMs (cool kid ). Her general dress is leggings, oversized jumpers/hooded tops, trainers, hair in a ponytail, no make up...

My daughter has friends who wear MAC or similar make up (yes, at 11), get their hair and make up done professionally before parties, wear heels, have handbags... many of them are encouraged to do so by their mums who think that this is what "being a young lady" looks like.

I tend to think that she's 11. Which is still a child. She still plays, she climbs trees, she gets muddy, she spends half her life upside down... she's fine as she is and so is yours.

I do feel sorry for the girls who are being indoctrinated into a very narrow idea of what "being a girl" means though.

Allthebestnamesareused · 11/12/2017 12:26

Your daughter doesn't need clothes and makeup to be pretty or beautiful - just tell SIL that if it comes up again.

Refer her to Toff who just won I'm a Celeb. Any girl can be what she wants to be and be mighty!

londonmummy1966 · 11/12/2017 12:28

You were absolutely right to say something - if it was just your SIL to you then perhaps there would be an argument for holding fire but as soon as comments are made to your dd she needs the reassurance that you are in her corner. My dds are 13 and 15 and both scrub up well when necessary but the rest of the time prefer leggings/yoga pants and sports tops. I think its great that your dd has other interests rather than obsessing about her looks/clothes etc. If you feel that her confidence has taken a knock then it might help her self esteem if you showed her some pictures of red carpet celebs going about their daily business in "athleisure" wear -make the point that the most glamorous women on the planet are too busy doing interesting things to want to doll up every time they go out.

gnushoes · 11/12/2017 12:29

And these attitudes are why we've got problems around sex and gender. Your daughter is female - but that doesn't mean she has to dress in a particular way. Your SIL sounds bonkers.

lynmilne65 · 11/12/2017 12:30

Take no notice she sounds lovely

BuckysRoboticArm · 11/12/2017 12:32

I have so much respect for you and your dd, op. Here we have an 11 year old who is choosing what SHE wants and not following the flock or comforming to stereotypes.

You're doing a really great job op.

Your sil sounds like an awful human being, raising more in the making to boot.

Blackteadrinker77 · 11/12/2017 12:32

I don't think you handled this very well at all.

You have let them make comment after comment to your child without telling them calmly that you find it hurtful or wrong.
This has allowed it to fester in to this whole big family drama involving children.

Read back what you have typed on here, you are complaining that they criticise your child's way of dressing but then criticise another child's.

SweetEnough · 11/12/2017 12:33

Good for you, stuff your sil.

My 2 dd's are dramatically different. Dd1 is a girly girl and dd2 isn't, they're only young but I'm already having the why don't you put dd2 in dresses etc rubbish and get her dolls and girly toys for Christmas or she'll think she's a boy.

My dd2 is nearly 3 and chooses her own clothes loves dinosaurs, cars and trains and will choose clothes with these things on, so that's what she wears! And her main present is a train set.

I want her to grow up to be like your dd and wear whatever she's comfortable in regardless of peer pressure.

SandBlanketCup · 11/12/2017 12:36

I think you've done the right thing! It's no one else's business what your dd wears. As long as her clothes are clean and she feels comfortable in them then I can't see the problem.

I couldn't give 2 hoots about what my niece wears in my house.

RhiannonOHara · 11/12/2017 12:36

YANBU and more power to you! SIL is a twat. You don't owe her an apology in the slightest.

Your DD is lucky to have a mother (and a father too by the sounds of it) who will stand up for her and who want her to be herself.

Eolian · 11/12/2017 12:37

Your SIL sounds like a stupid, vacuous cow. Well done for putting her in her place. My 12 yo dd has short hair and glasses, is a happily self-confessed geek and has no interest in make-up or revealing clothes. Fortunately she is happy to tell people where to go if they criticise her for it.

NorWoman · 11/12/2017 12:41

yaNbu at all. Your SIL is bang out of order and extremely rude and petty.

I would distance my family from hers and explain that unless they behave in a normal courteous way toward you and your family they can stay away.

Well done for sticking up for your dd.

hereitis · 11/12/2017 12:41

I think it's good you said something but I don't understand why you left it so long. If you'd put your foot down earlier it wouldn't have reached the point of your neice joining in too.

Hullygully · 11/12/2017 12:41

she's mental

NorWoman · 11/12/2017 12:45

Read back what you have typed on here, you are complaining that they criticise your child's way of dressing but then criticise another child's.

She hasn't criticised her nieces' dressing in their or SIL's presence, just written on here that she doesn't like their style yet doesn't mention it to them. Big difference.

Serin · 11/12/2017 12:48

Your SIL is a pathetic bully.
Who would say such things to a vulnerable child?
I fear for her DD's being indoctrinated by her about judging others on appearance

liquidrevolution · 11/12/2017 12:49

Your DD sounds wonderful and frankly everything I want for my DD when she is older. SIL is deluded and you are absolutely correct at calling her on it. I would have gone apeshit tbh.

For your DD - I used to pass some graffiti every day and it always made me stop and think. It read 'Strive to be yourself'. ie work hard to be yourself. So easy to be a sheep like everyone else. Please pass that on to her.

AntiHop · 11/12/2017 12:50

Well done to you for standing up for your dd. I'd be furious. That's an inappropriate way to treat any girl or woman, but especially an 11 year old.

Well done to your dd. It took me until I was about 30 to be able to shrug off the society pressure to look a certain way. She's done that aged just 11.

RaininSummer · 11/12/2017 12:53

Your daughter sounds great and much more appropriately dressed at eleven then your SIl's daughters. Well done. Hope your daughter doesnt feel pressured into gussying herself up like a sex doll.

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