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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

C. Sections

101 replies

User02 · 10/12/2017 14:48

Another thread has made me think about this enough to ask for opinions.
My DD was born by C.Section. I think it was quite primitive in those days and only done after hours of labour.
When DD grew up she started saying that I was "too posh to push". I was not too posh I was in a desperate state. She would say this to lots of people who really did not need to know anything about my childbirth experiences
Eventually DD had children and had some fast deliveries.
Was she unreasonable to criticise me for the method of her birth?

OP posts:
ElvisIsAliveAndLivingInHull · 10/12/2017 19:28

What an incredibly stupid and insensitive thing to say.

That is right up there with telling a woman she is selfish for having only one child, and the 'only' child will be lonely. Many people have one because they cannot physically/medically have another. Some people only have one because they cannot AFFORD another. And people who make negative comments about it are cunts.

Have to say, your daughter sounds like a bit of a twat OP.

@yorkshireyummymummy

Only idiots would choose to have c section when they were quite capable of a vaginal delivery. I don't know anybody who has had a c section who is pleased that it happened and I'm sure you feel the same. C sections happen because of a risk with vaginal delivery so it's not the easy option.

What a stupid, wanky, judgemental, generalisation. How dare you assume you can speak for everyone?!

STFU! Hmm

Spangles1963 · 10/12/2017 19:30

Your Dd is very rude.

kaytee87 · 10/12/2017 20:11

Only idiots would choose to have c section when they were quite capable of a vaginal delivery.

My vaginal delivery with ds was quite frankly traumatic, I was still in pain 12 weeks later and I don't think things will ever go back to normal. I'm considering having another child and I think I will ask for a section rather than run the risk of what happened to me again.
You have no idea why some people might request a c section. I have known someone request one due to extreme anxiety of examinations and being touched down there caused by being abused as a child - is she an idiot too?

Original poster
User02 · 10/12/2017 20:22

Thank you. If I say anything or complain it just causes me more negative comments. I know she is intelligent but this all just seems such a silly thing to say on her part, and in my part it happened I and babies both survived it wont happen again so why does anything need said. I am worrying for her. Is she stressed, ill, in pain physically or emotionally, is she angry that she was not born naturally? I don't know and I cant understand why this is a subject that comes up at any opportunity.
I take a lot of comfort from some things said on this thread. Thank you all

OP posts:
Bearfrills · 10/12/2017 20:26

Only idiots would choose to have c section when they were quite capable of a vaginal delivery. I dont know anybody who has had a c section who is pleased that it happened and I'm sure you feel the same

I fucking loved my sections. I had a vaginal delivery for my first and then three sections. The whole delivery was planned out, I even got to choose their dates of birth as they gave me a selection of dates in the relevant week that I could book in for. I held them while I was stitched up, in my most recent section I had the curtain lowered and the baby was delivered onto my chest just like in a vaginal delivery. I fed her while they stitched me. I was ill when she was five days old and even then I don't regret having the section because the delivery itself was amazing.

I could have tried a vaginal delivery for DC2, my first section, and I could have tried a VBAC for DC3/my second section but do you know what? I didn't want to. I guess I'm an idiot then, am I?

kaytee87 · 10/12/2017 20:31

Op it seems bizarre that your dd brings this up so much. I think I'd ask her what her problem is.
My mum had 2 emcs; my brother was placenta previa and with me she laboured for almost 40 hours with no progress made. Both were under GA as the epidural didn't work.
It's not something I think about, we talked about them when I was pregnant and I felt a bit sorry for her as it sounded tough.
I don't understand why your daughter is fixated on it.

Nanny0gg · 10/12/2017 20:32

Only idiots would choose to have c section when they were quite capable of a vaginal delivery. I don't know anybody who has had a c section who is pleased that it happened and I'm sure you feel the same

Are you the DD?

What a daft thing to say. You don't know everyone who's had a CS and you have no idea of their circumstances.

OP, do you need to have much contact with your DD? Sounds very stressful...

OhOurBilly · 10/12/2017 20:40

Only idiots would choose to have c section when they were quite capable of a vaginal delivery. I dont know anybody who has had a c section who is pleased that it happened and I'm sure you feel the same. C sections happen because of a risk with vaginal delivery so it's not the easy option and I'm sure when you had yours the ' too posh to push' moniker started after you had yours.
It's only celebrities and people with more money than sense who go to the Portland ( or other private hospitals) for planned c sections.
If people had c sections because they were ' too posh' then surely the Queen, The Princess of Wales, The Duchess of Cambridge etc would have had c sections ..........but no, they all had natural births.
The moniker should really be ' too cowardly and stupid to push'!!!!!

Don't talk bollocks.

OhOurBilly · 10/12/2017 20:41

bloody hell, bold fail above

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 10/12/2017 20:43

So she thinks that having your stomach sliced open you intestines shoved around, losing feeling along the scar is easier than pushing a baby out through a method perfected over millions of years. Nice. Presumably it was an emergency and she would rather had died than you undergo major surgery!

Original poster
User02 · 10/12/2017 20:43

I have found it easier to step back a bit (quite a lot) from DD. I get a bit stressed with it. I don't know what if anything could fix this. It goes against everything in me to keep away from such a close relative but I think it is the best thing I can do for me and for her. She gets so worked up about it. It is old news and long done with yet it causes such distress all round.
I worry that I am walking away at a time when something might be wrong. That would not be what I would want to do.

OP posts:
reallyorange · 10/12/2017 20:43

Only idiots would choose to have c section when they were quite capable of a vaginal delivery. I dont know anybody who has had a c section who is pleased that it happened

Is this actually true of elective c-sections? I've been trying to gauge opinion here and irl as I have the choice due to risks associated with my first natural birth. What do you class as 'quite capable'? Tons of people on here who've had both VB and ELCS have said the ELCS was better.

kaytee87 · 10/12/2017 20:49

It was 30 years ago and she is still saying every now and then.

So Is she only saying it now and then or is she bringing it up all the time and getting worked up about it?

Jonsey79 · 10/12/2017 20:55

Only idiots would choose to have c section when they were quite capable of a vaginal delivery. I dont know anybody who has had a c section who is pleased that it happened and I'm sure you feel the same....It's only celebrities and people with more money than sense who go to the Portland ( or other private hospitals) for planned c sections....The moniker should really be ' too cowardly and stupid to push'!!!!!

What an ignorant, twattish thing to say. No love, we don't all feel the same way. My dc1 and I nearly died during a vbac. I didn't recover physically for almost a year and mentally I don't think I'll ever get over it.

With dc2, I could technically have had another vbac and might well have been fine. However, major surgery was better for my mental health.

You don't know what you're rambling on about.

OP, yanbu.

Sashkin · 10/12/2017 20:56

Next time she says it, just quietly say “no, it was an emergency and you would have died without it”. No need to tell her off or get into an argument if she’s an aggressive type. But do correct her politely, every time it come up. If she tries to say it was your fault, ask how.

Up to a quarter of women used to die in childbirth just a century ago, it is perfectly natural and normal for labour to kill both mother and child.

I personally would flip my lid if DS was fucking ungrateful enough to criticise my obstetric choices, but that’s just me Wink.

Jonsey79 · 10/12/2017 20:57

reallyorange I'd say go for it!

shakingmyhead1 · 10/12/2017 21:11

@yorkshireyummymummy
i am so glad i had mine two children via c-section, i dont feel i am a failure, i got healthy children and none of us died... first was emergency and second was elective and quite frankly even if i was capable of giving birth vaginally i would be choosing the c-section, i gave my eggs to a friend and when she had the baby she made me come watch as i got her knocked up!!!???? and even now we both talk about it 12 years later, and how she thinks i have post traumatic stress from just watching. ( and once that baby got stuck i did grab her midwife and haul her into the hall way and told her to pull her head out of her ass and get a ob up and we are going for a c-section, she did call him up but it was too late so he cut her to shreds and hauled the baby out with huge ass tongs, after the suction thing flew across the room and blood shot up to the ceiling that is)
Not everyone is capable of doing it the "right" way but guess what sometimes the "right" way is the way that mum and baby dont die and i wish people would support that and not be all fucken new age hippy dippy judgemental
And User02 id be telling your daughter it was lucky "you were too posh to push" or she would have been born dead and you might well have followed soon after... and if she is lucky enough to never need a c-section then she is blessed, not everyone is though

Sashkin · 10/12/2017 21:15

reallyorange it’s hard to say. My ELCS was a breeze (I only needed paracetamol and ibuprofen after the spinal wore off, and was pain-free by day 3, doing 10k hikes with the baby in a sling at six weeks). I felt like my recovery was pretty unremarkable - I wasn’t particularly pushing myself, I just didn’t have much pain and was really keen to get back to normal activity after a lot of time on bed rest pre-ELCS.

But I know other people who were still limping around months later, despite having had an uncomplicated ELCS as well. So it very much depends on the person, how fit you were before, and how well you usually bounce back from things.

shakingmyhead1 · 10/12/2017 21:24

@reallyorange
I loved my elective, went in got prepped, husband and my mum got into scrubs and we all went in the OR and everyone was happy and relaxed,
the nurses and midwives were all in great moods, excited to be in the OR with my OB, who they said is a surgical rockstar ( seeing how he saved both my baby and me years prior he really kinda is)

once baby arrived, i got to hold him for a couple of mins and get a photo, then my husband and mum went with baby while i got stitched up and returned to my room where they were all waiting for me.
knowing it was happening meant i knew what day and time baby was coming and mentally prepare myself ( so could husband and family) and yes it meant a couple of days in hospital and 6 weeks not driving but it was stress free and relaxed and we were both healthy ( i cant medically do it vaginally as my body is not capable OB confirmed)

Original poster
User02 · 10/12/2017 21:25

Katyee87 - I could understand her bringing up the subject if there was a group of people discussing a pregnancy or imminent childbirth or discussing childbirth experiences. She will say it at those sort of times but also comes out with it randomly when there is no such discussion or related subject. It is like a criticism. A PP said earlier about how brave it is to go through a C Section and others have said how life and death it is especially as an emergency after hours of labour. She does not praise me for going through it at all. As many have said the best outcome is mum and baby alive.

OP posts:
blueshoes · 10/12/2017 21:38

OP, your dd sounds like she has issues, which are not within the range of normal. Why would she get worked up over the way she was born and blame you explicitly. This is so very strange. It would not surprise me her issues cross over into other areas of her life.

I am not sure how to advise you. I am sure you don't want to go NC with dd but feel your pain.

Original poster
User02 · 10/12/2017 22:23

Blueshoes - This is exactly what I am worried about. I think she does have issues for which I seem to bear all the blame in her view. She was in a violent relationship and was told to come away but would not she defended him despite his horrible conduct to everyone. I think she must be deeply affected and not got over this properly despite having moved on and completely changed her life.
It is hard to take the nastiness I get. It is hard to watch her strangeness, I am worried what is going on. I wish for a good relationship with DD but I am not coping well with this.
Thank you all

OP posts:
user1493242132 · 10/12/2017 22:30

What a load of bollocks! I chose to have a c section with both my children. Actually I paid for the c sections (went private) Cause I deem it to be safer and less stressful for the Baby. But that’s my prerogative. And if someone says I’m too posh to push then I agree!

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 10/12/2017 22:35

@yorkshireyummymummy

"The moniker should really be ' too cowardly and stupid to push'!!!!! "

What a stupid thing to say. I was raped rather horrifically and years later when I got pregnant, I raised having an elective with my midwife. She convinced me everything would be fine and I didn't pursue it.

I eventually delivered ds by emcs having first managed to re-trigger my previous trauma with countless exams, 2 hours of pushing and failed forceps. I ended up having a psychotic episode and was diagnosed with severe post natal depression and PTSD when he was 8 weeks old. Luckily by that point they had managed to convince me he was "a" baby even if the message he was "my" baby took another six months or so to sink in. He's nearly 3 and I'm still seeing a psychiatrist and a clinical psychologist to try and fix the damage that those two events caused. An elective would likely have prevented all of that pain, all of that trauma (I still wake up screaming although luckily it's happening less and less) and might have prevented me attempting suicide whilst my son was in NICU, not to mention the fact that his first year is pretty much a fog. I look at photos and have no memory of the events depicted whatsoever.

" I dont know anybody who has had a c section who is pleased that it happened"

Everyone who would be dead or burying their baby without it? All the women who chose electives with subsequent babies because their first damaged them so much? I'm pregnant again and guess what, if this baby manages to stay put until my elective date, I will be over the moon.

WoolyMammyoth · 10/12/2017 22:54

When I had my EMCS in June (distressed baby, no progress on induction, contractions slamming baby into my hip) I had to sign a piece of paper saying, among other things, I understood that I could die.

I am so grateful my child and I are both okay, but I'll never forget that moment.

A caesarean is not an easy option.