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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

C. Sections

101 replies

User02 · 10/12/2017 14:48

Another thread has made me think about this enough to ask for opinions.
My DD was born by C.Section. I think it was quite primitive in those days and only done after hours of labour.
When DD grew up she started saying that I was "too posh to push". I was not too posh I was in a desperate state. She would say this to lots of people who really did not need to know anything about my childbirth experiences
Eventually DD had children and had some fast deliveries.
Was she unreasonable to criticise me for the method of her birth?

OP posts:
blueshoes · 10/12/2017 15:32

Have you tried talking to her about how this comment makes you feel --and that she is lucky to be alive It sounds like you have been letting this wash over you for 30 years and now you are just awakening to it.

You were not in control of what happened to you. At best, she does not realise how insensitive her remark is.

TheSnowFairy · 10/12/2017 15:33

I have had 4 c sections purely due to medical issues. The first was an emergency c section.

OP, I would be furious if any of my children said that to me Angry

PoshPenny · 10/12/2017 15:34

Your daughter is being very very unkind. This too posh to push stuff really winds me up. Having spent years considering myself a failure after my 2 emergency c-sections - that I couldn't get them out on my own with lovely music and candles burning in the background that I'd been expecting to have thanks to the brainwashing from my NCT antenatal classes - also there's a very unsupportive mother who likes to rub it in - it's only nearly 25 years on that I can look back on it all and not feel terrible about it. The eldest was a face presentation and was literally stuck fast. They had to tug like hell to get her out and she had a big bruise on her face from where the syntocinon drip (I think) had been trying to blast her out. I was past caring at that point having been at the hospital for 40 hours. The second one, they didn't mess about and she was born about 12 hours after I arrived at the hospital. If that was my daughter I'd be giving her both barrels, covering the subjects of respect for others feelings and the dangers of childbirth/child mortality rates. My girls had better not pull that stunt with me....

As you know, when you're in these tricky situations, you begin to realise why so many women used to die in childbirth not so many years ago....

YouTheCat · 10/12/2017 15:40

She's 30 and she still says it? Tell her to fuck off, cheeky twat. Surely, with kids of her own now she has some empathy and some idea of when and why a c section might be necessary.

My twins were born by elective c section as they were both breech. Not once has my dd suggested I was 'too posh to push'. I think she'd rather be alive than have had her brain starved of oxygen.

OnTheRise · 10/12/2017 15:51

I'm surprised your daughter is now 30 and you've not told her it upsets you when she says that. Just ask her to stop it. If she won't, then the things she's saying aren't the problem, it's how she behaves towards you that you should worry about.

FizzyGreenWater · 10/12/2017 15:52

Just reply 'you may be my DD, but at the same time you're such a steaming twat - it's very confusing'

SumAndSubstance · 10/12/2017 15:52

Only idiots would choose to have c section when they were quite capable of a vaginal delivery. I dont know anybody who has had a c section who is pleased that it happened and I'm sure you feel the same....It's only celebrities and people with more money than sense who go to the Portland ( or other private hospitals) for planned c sections....The moniker should really be ' too cowardly and stupid to push'!!!!!

You agree the daughter is being unreasonable and then come out with all this judgmental drivel?!

baritonehome · 10/12/2017 16:04

how odd. do you have otherwise a good relationship? If so, I think it is an utter bizarre thing to say.

Almostfifty · 10/12/2017 16:04

Just tell her she, and possibly you, would be dead if you hadn't had one...

Chaosofcalm · 10/12/2017 16:07

I had a c section after over 50 hours of labour. Without it DD would of died. I would rather have a c section than push out a dead baby or have died myself.

C section is a major abdominal surgery and an EMCS is not done just because the mother is too posh to push.

mywayalltheway · 10/12/2017 16:11

I think your DD is being extremely rude, my DC had to be born by emergency c-section and no one has ever made a nasty comment other then the odd joke about being too posh to push but they soon realised how wrong they where when I mentioned the hours of labour, the hours of pushing (yes 2 hrs with one DC) and failed intervention from the midwifes/Drs.

Yes I would have much preferred my DC to be born vaginally but it wasn't to be and I've never once felt a failure, I have beautiful healthy children and that is all that matters.

ConciseandNice · 10/12/2017 16:13

When I had my first section 21 years ago (my first of 5), after 3 days of labouring, I felt awful, but the physical pain was nothing compared to the emotional pain and the feeling of failure and guilt that I carried for years. It wasn't until my 3rd baby, when I found out that my cervix is scarred (from physical abuse as a teen) and cannot dilate. I would have died without a section and doubtless when you had your daughter it would have been the same. My experience with my last two sections were ones of joy because I knew that it was the only way and that I was blessed to have my babies when I always believed I wouldn't. My doctors knew of my physical condition and gave me wonderful experience, including lifting me from the bed to see them deliver my baby. Sorry, waxing lyrical, my point is, your daughter is here due to the fact that your body, your poor, exhausted body was sliced open so that she could be taken out safely. You saved her life, those surgeons saved her life - and yours. Next time she says 'too posh to push', please do tell her how offensive and upsetting it is. She is diminishing your bravery snd strength and undermining your status as a mother. It is rude. Once is forgivable. Repeating that when you should know better is appalling behaviour. I'm sorry.

Original poster
User02 · 10/12/2017 16:33

Thanks to all ladies here.

I think DD took over from abusive ex with all the criticising. I never really stood up to DD. I dumped the ex but we don't dump our DCs.
I have a new friend and they are quite open about thinking DD is foul mouthed in many respects.

I never really took it on board that DD's ways are not normal.
The ex disappeared when things got rough in maternity leading up to C Section and my DPs were called to come urgently. They never once said anything about me being a failure or not having done the right thing.
From things you have all said I am now coming to think that this way of talking to me is not good at all. I just was not sure what other Mums would think. So thanks for all responses

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 10/12/2017 16:41

Explain to your daughter that it's upsetting and does she actually understand what an emergency c-section is? She may not be here without it!
If it was daft comments she made as a teenager (after reading it in a magazine) then you need to let it go. If she's still saying it now to upset you then say something.

NooNooHead1981 · 10/12/2017 16:49

I had an emergency C-section after every conceivable method of induction, 9 hours of labour, my DD going into distress and - unbeknownst to me or any medics at the time - a huge baby which could have killed both of us if she had decided to come out naturally.

My DD was 11lb5.5oz and there's no way my small 5'2" frame would have squeezed her out. God knows why no-one picked up on her size at the time, but I'm bloody grateful for the medical care and the C-section despite feeling a bit sad that I didn't hold her first.

But, as my midwife who looked after me during labour said of the consultant's decision for my C-section, 'He made a good call.' A healthy mother and baby is all that matters, not the birth itself.

Your daughter is being silly and ignorant and needs to be given a stern talking to.

MrsDilber · 10/12/2017 16:50

After 24 hours of labour, failing to progress past 5cm and DD going into distress, we'd have died without a section. A live mother and a live baby is not a failure.

meredintofpandiculation · 10/12/2017 17:04

I was given the choice of 1) elective CS, or 2) attempted natural birth most likely followed by emergency CS. I chose elective CS. If anyone suggested in my hearing that I was "too posh to push" they would be in no doubt that I was seriously annoyed.

DS has head circ in top 5%. And I'm tiny.

Even an elective CS can be the medically sensible choice. Just because you didn't have "hours of labour" dosen't mean you've copped out.

MammaTJ · 10/12/2017 17:11

I have given birth three different ways. Vaginal delivery with DD1, EMCS with epidural with DD2, EMCS with GA with DS.

I can tell you now, the vaginal delivery was by far the easiest to recover from, both physically and emotionally. I really don't get why anyone who does not have a medical reason to do so would have a c section!

Anyway, had I not had the Csection with DD2, she would be dead, if I had not with DS, we both would be!

Pretty sure that is similar with you and your DD.

VladmirsPoutine · 10/12/2017 17:15

Tbh it sounds like there are many more issues, that go far deeper between you and your dd if this is the stick with which she is choosing to beat you with.

Original poster
User02 · 10/12/2017 17:21

DD's birth was by inducing past the due date 20 hours labour with not much change. Baby distressed me tiring so C. Section by GA was the option chosen by hospital. I was glad that DP there to hold DD after being born.
I am too scared to tell DD to shut up or anything else. She is bigger than me very noisy and shouty and even if I did she likely would not do anything I say.
Thanks I feel support from you all.

OP posts:
Original poster
User02 · 10/12/2017 17:25

Vladmirs - DD has made many wrong moves in her life. I have done everything I could to help but she would never listen to me. I don't think DD took kindly to no longer being only child.

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 10/12/2017 17:27

Why are you scared of your dd op? That's a bigger problem. Is she violent towards you?

Agerbilatemycardigan · 10/12/2017 17:39

You should point out, that if you hadn't had a caesarian, neither she or her DC would exist. She sounds thoughtless tbh.

Original poster
User02 · 10/12/2017 19:18

I would not like to argue with my DD. I am quiet shy softly spoken do not shout or swear. DD is not like that. She has been violent in the past but I learned to get out the way when she gets angry.
She is thoughtless in a lot of ways. She will not reply to texts or calls even when I am doing things for her benefit. She tells things better than me. I don't talk about much. She can get people to believe her and I don't try, I just put up with it.
I just cant see why my inability to have a vagina delivery is relevant to anyone at this late stage. I cant not have any more children due to a hysterectomy nor would I want to. I don't see what saying this is going to do for anyone. She does say a lot of other things too. Like she was dressed in unfashionable clothes. She had the fashions of the time which probably do like strange now.
I am worried about the way she is saying all this strange stuff. I wonder if she is ok.

OP posts:
takingsmallsteps · 10/12/2017 19:22

My mum had a C section with me over 30 years ago and I would never dream of saying such a thing to her! She (and I) almost died and having had children myself and complications in labour I know what a terrifying experience it can be.

I am grateful every day for what my mum went through to bring me into this world. I'm so sorry your daughter treats you this way.