To go for it anyway? WWYD?

[VeryBerryStrawberryJelly]

My DD is 2yrs 5 months. And has several extra needs (a suspected language disorder and hyper mobility) which require a bit of time at hospitals and clinics several times a month. She's not yet potty training and is probably a year away from being toilet trained as a minimum.

I am married to DDs dad, we both would love another child, sooner rather than later as we don't want a huge age gap. DH has a sister 6 years younger than him and they have nothing in common, will happily walk past each other in the street and not acknowledge each other, no major falling out they just don't get on. Whereas I am my brothers best friend. There's 18 months between us and we're always calling each other and text each other daily. We spend Christmas together and enjoy each others company - while I know there's no guarantees DD would get on with a sibling I think she'd be a brilliant big sister.

The paediatrician, her health visitor and the GP have all said DD is better being an only child. She is currently having SALT but it will not cure her language disorder and she will always need appointments for monitoring her and if she gets worse she'll need SALT again. She may eventually need a wheelchair due to the HM, so we need to plan housing around that. Basically they're saying it's unfair to bring another child into the situation, as there's no guarantee that they won't have the same conditions or be even worse than DD. DD may never live independently as an adult. She needs a lot of 1-1 attention, but I would only want one more child (have always only wanted one) and there's 2 of us parents.

But I am so desperate for another child. I'm 27, DH is 26 and I just can't imagine this is it for our family. DD is only little and we obviously don't know what the future holds for her but I'm worried that if things turn out better than everyone says because of course they will always give us the worst case scenario then I will feel awful about not having another child when we had the chance.

DH is happy to stay as a family of 3 or go for another child and become a family of 4,. We both work, him full time, me part time. We don't pay for childcare currently due to DDs conditions so could comfortably finance another child, although we may have to move in a few years time if DD ends up in a wheelchair as we'd want her to have a room downstairs but do currently have a spare room that another child could have as a bedroom.

So WIBU to start trying for another baby now? And WWYD if you were me?

I'm probably in the minority's but if you don't feel complete as a family and it's affordable and you both want another child, go for it. Kids are resilient little beasts and I'm sure you won't neglect any other children.

But with regards to big age gaps, my brother is 6 and 9 years younger than me and our sister and we're all close now he's older.

Honestly, I'd probably stick to one child for now - you are both young and just because you and your DH have different relationships with siblings you can't put that down to the age gap, sibling dynamics are more complicated than that. I'd think worse case scenario - if a subsequent child had health issues could you cope? I would wait and see what happens over the next 2-3 years with your DD.

Is there a high chance your next child would have the same special needs for a genetic reason?

If there was, I think that would have to be a serious consideration.

I think that you need to take doctor's advice here. They wouldn't go as far as to reccomend that you don't have any more children unless they think there is a high probability that you will not be able to cope with more children. The suggestion that further children may also have similar issues makes me assume that there is an underlying genetic cause for her problems-if this is the case it would be downright cruel to risk similar or worse problems in another child.

As regards to age gaps and sibling relationships that is utter nonsense. I have known siblings with small age gaps who loathe one another and siblings with age gaps of more than ten years who are like two peas in a pod.

I'm 13 months younger than my brother and although we get on fine, we are not and never have been 'best friends'.

At 2.5 I am amazed the professionals are being so negative especially when it seems things aren’t even firmly diagnosed yet.

Unless there is a genetic issue i would do what feels right for you as a family. If any sort of genetic thing then I think that needs a different level of consideration

We all had genetic testing and nothing came up on it to suggest a genetic cause. The doctors are saying that DD needs a lot of attention I think, and that that need for attention isn't just going to go away as she gets older.

I think we'd cope with a child with the same level of need as DD but if they were worse I'm not sure we would. But I don't want to be saying in 10 years time what if?

You sound like you've put a lot of consideration into the decision.
(If it's not a genetically inheritable)
Then for me I would go it.

Best of luck OP

Definitely need more information on whether the condition is genetic and if, say, it's something that can be screened for? A friend is having her embryos screened for a genetic condition before implantation, so I don't know if this is a possible option for you?

"We don't pay for childcare currently due to DDs conditions so could comfortably finance another child" - don't quite understand this. Do you mean you get state support for childcare? If so, how certain can you be of this continuing and covering a second child? State support is very rickety these days, but if you're comfortable enough to know you could provide for both children if there were cuts in support, that's a positive.

Overall though, I would take the medical advice very seriously. It sounds extreme for those conditions, which cover a wide spectrum so your situation must be severe, and I can't imagine they caution against another DC without very good cause. I also think you have bigger concerns to factor in than the age gap - there are no guarantees of siblings being close whatever the age difference, and if it makes sense to wait and have a much better picture of your DD's needs in couple of years time, then definitely don't rush things due to the age gap panic. You're both young and have time on your side.

x-posted re. genetics.

I have five dc, my fourth child was diagnosed with autism at 2 and a half and lots of co morbids and we were told he'd never live independently. He was extremely difficult,our older ones didn't get the attention I would have hoped to give them and so ds was definitely my last.
I fell unexpectedly pregnant and had dd just after ds's eighth birthday. I was devastated tbh, I told no one outside our immediate family that I was pregnant but we tried to prepare ds who was still in nappies and had limited speech and extreme challenging behaviour and sorted out care for baby dd as I wasn't confident I could keep her safe from ds.
Dd turned out to be our biggest blessing, ds has never ever been anything other than gentle with dd, he came out of nappies, he learned to talk alongside dd, he would share with dd,he would allow dd to go first etc all skills that he needed that he would never do with his older siblings and as he learned them with dd his behaviour got better and better.
Dd used to call him "my boy" or "favourite boy" and ds called her "fooofy woo" and they have always adored each other and still do now aged almost 23 and 15. Dd was diagnosed with autism aged 2 which is difficult but she was definitely meant to be our last child.

Life is too short for what ifs.

Personally I'd go for it.

The age gap thing is neither here nor there - siblings get on, or they don’t. Small/large age gaps have pros and cons in both situations.

Have you had genetic counselling?

I would find it extraordinary if a HCP said any of the rest of your post to me, without specific cause to (eg genetic link)

Generally, with speech/language disorders, the first port of call is to ensure correct language use around the child - one or more siblings doesn’t mean this wouldn’t happen, so that’s an odd thing to have been advised.

Same for the potential wheelchair use scenario - you’ll either have enough room where you are, or not. So you move house, or don’t. Wheelchair use wouldn’t impede having another child.

I’m struggling to follow the logic of it all.

Either another child is right for you/dh/your family, or it isn’t.

Yes would add the paed never advised against having another child after ds as his chromosomes are seemingly normal. After dd, whose chromosomes are also seemingly normal he only advised genetic counselling before their siblings started a family and warned that the chance of me having a third child with autism would be 1 in 2.

I wouldn't. There is no guarantee another child would be friends with your daughter. I'm pals with my brother who's over 10 years younger and not with my sis who's less than 2 years younger. Another child will just take time away from your DD when she needs it. You are both still quite young too, so no biological urgency.

Oh I'd totally go for it!

We have friends in your circumstances. They had a healthy second child and the impact was nothing but positive.

But age gap is neither here nor there. Don't let that rule you.

Ignoring the sibling age gap thing (I've nothing in common with my only sibling, a sister 2.5 years older than me) I would say have another if you want one. I'm a SENCO in a primary school and have worked with multiple families with younger DC where the older one has special needs and/or disabilities. I think the younger child learns a lot from the family set up. I even know someone who has a daughter of 20 who has cerebral palsy and cannot walk, talk, feed herself, is wheelchair bound and incontinent; she went on to have another child now 18, and then when aged 44 herself had another now aged 8.

There is a charity called Sibs, they might be a useful source of support in the future.

I wouldn't have a sibling for a child with additional needs. It's unfair on the siblings.

If you feel that longing and you and DH are both in agreement, go for it. Not having a longed for child is a massive sacrifice for you to make when your lives are already very difficult. Medical professionals shouldn't make that decision for you.

I think the advice of the paediatrician, HV, GP etc is odd, to say the least. What would they be suggesting if your daughter was your second child? You could hardly send the first one back!

I think the closeness you share with your brother is a red herring, to be honest. As others have said, having a sibling doesn’t automatically make for a best friend.

Sorry for delays in response, on my own with DD as DH has had to pop to his mums.

DD is generally a lovely child. She goes to a private Nursery currently but when she's 3 we can choose to move her to the SN Nursery in the next town which is attached to an SN School. She's great with the other children, and although she can't say much her understanding is brilliant. Due to the language problems she's generally delayed in all areas so also has a diagnosis of Global Developmental Delay. Shes around 8 months delayed but the paediatrician is hopeful that with the right help she'll close the gap either completely or to within a few months, so she may not even need a SN school.

She doesn't have many adjustments at Nursery at the moment, as there's not much they can do, other than make sure whenever she goes outside she wears a ski suit type jacket (which I provide). The other stuff is things they already did with the children; so allowing her to walk around barefoot, having a nap around lunchtime etc. The nursery tell me that despite her issues she's lovely and quite easy to look after.

We have family nearby. My mum is on the next street, she works but does insist on having one day a fortnight where she picks DD up from Nursery and has her all afternoon for us. MIL lives in the next town which is around 20 minutes drive away, and we see her every other week too. She has one night a month sleepover with DD so DH and I can spend time together. I know both would happily help out if we had one more child, but no more than that due to room in their cars etc. My DBro is brilliant with DD and would love another niece or nephew he currently lives with my mum, but has in the past lived on his own and would happily have DD over at his house.

I don't think it has to do with age gaps, there is only 13months between Dh and Sil and they can't stand each other. I have 7 years between DD1 and DD3 and they are very close.

A friend of mine's DD1 was born with additional needs and needed major surgery (and will throughout her childhood). They were torn about having a DC2, and went for it in the end when a medical professional assured them that many many families manage (and there is never a 100% right time for a baby). It worked for them- their DD1 is 13 and doing well, DD2 is 10 (healthy- no additional needs) and they get on well as siblings

Obviously I know there's no guarantees about sibling relationships, and DD and her potential sibling may not be close.

If the needs aren't genetic I'd go for it.

Someone I know was told after her first two children with high levels of needs that they shouldn't have any more children as it was genetic. They've had three more. All have high level need.

I'm a bit shocked the gp and other doctors have been so blunt about this, and would feel like telling them to stay in their lane!

Is this a normal thing for healthcare professionals to say a child would be better off as an only? Really?