To go for it anyway? WWYD?

[VeryBerryStrawberryJelly]

My DD is 2yrs 5 months. And has several extra needs (a suspected language disorder and hyper mobility) which require a bit of time at hospitals and clinics several times a month. She's not yet potty training and is probably a year away from being toilet trained as a minimum.

I am married to DDs dad, we both would love another child, sooner rather than later as we don't want a huge age gap. DH has a sister 6 years younger than him and they have nothing in common, will happily walk past each other in the street and not acknowledge each other, no major falling out they just don't get on. Whereas I am my brothers best friend. There's 18 months between us and we're always calling each other and text each other daily. We spend Christmas together and enjoy each others company - while I know there's no guarantees DD would get on with a sibling I think she'd be a brilliant big sister.

The paediatrician, her health visitor and the GP have all said DD is better being an only child. She is currently having SALT but it will not cure her language disorder and she will always need appointments for monitoring her and if she gets worse she'll need SALT again. She may eventually need a wheelchair due to the HM, so we need to plan housing around that. Basically they're saying it's unfair to bring another child into the situation, as there's no guarantee that they won't have the same conditions or be even worse than DD. DD may never live independently as an adult. She needs a lot of 1-1 attention, but I would only want one more child (have always only wanted one) and there's 2 of us parents.

But I am so desperate for another child. I'm 27, DH is 26 and I just can't imagine this is it for our family. DD is only little and we obviously don't know what the future holds for her but I'm worried that if things turn out better than everyone says because of course they will always give us the worst case scenario then I will feel awful about not having another child when we had the chance.

DH is happy to stay as a family of 3 or go for another child and become a family of 4,. We both work, him full time, me part time. We don't pay for childcare currently due to DDs conditions so could comfortably finance another child, although we may have to move in a few years time if DD ends up in a wheelchair as we'd want her to have a room downstairs but do currently have a spare room that another child could have as a bedroom.

So WIBU to start trying for another baby now? And WWYD if you were me?

Out of interest did you specifically ask the ‘professionals’ for advice?

I would have another one but not yet. Honest the age gap thing is subjective, there's a five year gap between my two and they are close and it helped having elder ds at school when youngest was born.

I wouldn't have a sibling for a child with additional needs. It's unfair on the siblings

Excuse me? It's unfair to be alive? And could you please tell us all what is so awful about children with additional needs that having one for a sibling is so terrible that it is better not to exist?

Sirzy No I mentioned that we're considering a sibling to the paediatrician and he said "I wouldn't, (DDs Name) is better as an only" and then the Health Visitor who's lovely but doesn't have children herself said the same at the next appointment with her so I'm sure they'd been talking.

I have a few controlled medical conditions of my own but they didn't bother me during pregnancy (asthma, and an eye condition which is quite rare - but controlled with glasses and a regular medication, I can still drive with it as long as I'm medicated) and I mentioned it to the GP in an appointment to find out her views and she said that as both mine and DDs GP she'd recommend DD stayed an only as she's "high needs" and she doesn't want me to feel too torn between DD and another child.

I’ve never heard a health professional advise against having more children. Usually they will advise on chances of passing on genetic conditions but they would not want to get into discussions about whether a family has further children.

I know many high needs families and there is always a mix of families who don’t expand and those who do.

Remember though, sibling relationships are more complex than age gaps. If you bring another child into the world, will that baby have to tag along to your DD’s appointments?

Having another child is always complicated especially when you have a disabled child. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it, but think of the impact upon both your DD and your future child due to your DD’s needs.

I wouldn't, in your position. Partly because of your existing DD needing extra care and attention - and partly because I couldn't morally take a risk that the same issue crops up in a second child.

It's part of the reason I don't want kids - between myself and my DP there are enough genetic risks for life long conditions that I don't feel it would be moral to reproduce. Potentially not a popular opinion, but I can't bring myself to do so.

I have Ehlers Danlos syndrome hypermobility type as does DS. DS has it far worse than I do. No one has every suggested either of us may need wheelchairs despite daily subluxations, dislocations and frequent tendinitis and sprains. That does seem a very negative thing to say regarding such a young child? DD may need a lot of attention but I’m not sure why you would be advised not to have more DC. A lot of children both with SN and without need a lot of attention. Unless you have health issues that would make it difficult to provide 2 children with attention, it seems a bit prescriptive of your DDs medics to advise against another. I do think if you want another child and feel you can meet both children’s needs, you should have one.

That's bizarre to me. Ds at diagnosis, so the same age as your dd,was developmentally delayed by 15 months with no suggestion that he'd ever catch up but no one suggested I didn't have any more children or he'd have been better as an only. He had autism and a speech disorder so only really started speaking at age seven but it wasn't seen as a reason for him to be an only. He has seemingly normal speech now in spite of him starting at seven and being one of five A friend's daughter has just had her second when her first has spina bifida (severely) so will never walk but she wasn't advised not to have a second because of the wheelchair just advised about extra folic acid and screening.
I think you could afford to wait a while as your dd is only young and things can change enormously and if you want a second speak to the health professionals again as they sound overly cautious IMO.

My disabled ds benefitted greatly from having a younger sister. He used to love watching her play with all his toys and taking part in her games. Also had an excuse for all those playground trips, soft play etc. etc. for all those extra years.
You do need to consider whether you could cope with two with the same condition though.

I'd have another child in your position- it isn't the HCP's call to make.

I would wait a few more years. You're quite young still. At least wait until you know if your child is getting worse or getting better. But I think it's unreasonable for people to tell you not to have another child. I would just be patient for now and see how things pan out x

I can see that you'll regret not having another child for the rest of your days. Just do what you want to, and you know what that is;)

People have coped with worse than what your dealing with!

My experience with age gaps was the opposite of yours. My sister and I are less than 18 months apart; we used to fight terribly as children and I haven't seen or spoken to her for years. On the other hand, DH had an 8 year gap with his brother, but they are close friends as adults now, and help each other out all the time. So it can go either way.

If you're only in your 20s there's surely no need to rush. If you wait a few years you may have a better idea of your daughter's longer-term needs, how you are coping with caring for her, etc. Don't feel pressured by the age gap, especially if your age gap worries are about their future relationship as adults, because that is impossible to predict.

There is no ache like the ache for another child. If you think you can devote as much attention, then go for it. Your new baby could bring a lot of happiness to DD

Regarding age gap I forgot to say I have a brother 6 years older and one 9 years older. We were very close growing up. I WhatsApp my ‘youngest’ brother every day (we are in different countries)and although I’m not now as close to my oldest brother I know when the chips are down we are there for each other. On the other hand my Nephews fought like cat and dog growing up (really just didnt seem to like each other one bit) but as adults are as close as you could possibly be.

I wouldn't. Siblings aren't guaranteed to be friends.

In families I seen where one is SN, the NT misses out a lot and often becomes a carer too. It's not something I would wish on a child.

I think you need to talk to other parents with a similar condition than your dd to get a more practical view of how things might pan out.
Atm your dd is doing as ok as she can and isnt an issue. But she is still at nursery and very little is been asked from her. I suspect the op True will be different when she starts primary.

Also I am wondering if you aren’t looking at things with slightly rose tinted glasses. A child that has access to a SN school right form the start is a child that has very serious issues. But there is very little of that in your posts. Buts about her maybe needing a wheelchair and SALT but still the hope for her to be able to go to mainstream school despite global developmental delay.
TBH your description is, for me on the outside, the one of a child with very complex needs. Much more complex than what you are describing.

So my advice would be to really do your homework first to see what the future can hold.

I have DS1 who has Down syndrome. This includes speech delay, hypermobility, delayed gross & fine motor skills, learning disability, etc. He wasn’t fully potty trained until he was about 8, had 1:1 in school and is now in special school. He’s also an amazing young man who makes a great cup of tea and is a fantastic big brother.

DS2 is 17 months younger. We wanted a small gap (my sister and I are 12 months apart). Was it hard? Yes it was. Would I do it again? Absolutely! They get on great, push each other and make our family complete.

Do what feels best for you.

Tbh the age/sibling relationship thing is a moot point. My older sister is 10+ years older than me and she is my closest friend.

You are 27, you have literally years to have more dc.

It really is your call.

I have 4 siblings and I am closest to my brother who is 10 years older than me and lives 200 miles away. My sister and I are 3 years apart, stay within walking distance and barely talk, just don't get on. So discount the sibling age gap piece.

You need to focus on the practical, financial and emotional. Would you be able to financially support two children while one has additional needs? Potentially one parent might not be able to work? Would you be able to get both children to schools/appointments/clinics etc if at least one parent was working? Would you be able to fulfil a second child's emotional needs with another child with high needs, and also are you resilient enough to not impact your own mental health? Is your marriage strong enough to cope with the additional pressure and possibly little or no us time? What support would be available to you from family and NHS services?

Think longer term too, how much support will your dd need when she is 5,10,15 and an adult and where does a younger child fit into this. I would be concerned by medical professionals saying they think it would be better if dd was an only child due to high needs, and perhaps ask them to clarify exactly what they mean and how her care requirements will look in the future. Go into it with your eyes wide open and fully aware of all the facts regarding your dd's needs.

If I was your age (still young for having children) I would wait another couple of years to see if it is clearer what yours dd's prognosis is longer term.

I don't know if it's the same but a good friend of mine had a child with cerebral palsy who required a lot of care, under went surgery and had lots of follow up abroad. They went on to have another child whilst their first was still undergoing the bulk.of the treatment. DCs are now 12 and 9 and they're a fantastic little family.

If you think you can cope, go for it!

I have 2 dd’s A year apart, dd1 was diagnosed with hypermobility, hypertonia, low muscle tone and Asperger’s syndrome, although we knew dd1 had Aspergers we did not have a diagnosis of anything until after dd2 was conceived. Dd2 was born and all seemed ok until she got older and still had no speech, she was diagnosed with ASD at the age of 2 and a severe language delay, she also has hypermobility and low muscle tone. They are now 14 and 12, youngest attends a specialist school, both have physio for their hypermobility. Dd1 will probably end up in a wheel chair but so far she copes (although she broke a ankle last week). We didn’t know it was genetic until after dd2 was born and I’m glad we didn’t. The dd’s are very close, life can be tricky but I don’t regret having dd2 at all.

If you want another child then go for it, you will cope because that’s what we do.

Really not on for HCPs to tell you to have only one. Not their business at all . I'd go for another one. My DS has autism but of course, that only became apparent after he was born. He was our last by choice but no one ever told us not to have another because he has SN.

I think the health care professionals should have kept their opinions to themselves.

You're in the best position to consider your strengths and resources. If you think you can cope with and would like another child then go for it.