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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have another baby/babies now

107 replies

MumoftheBoyandtheGirl · 09/12/2017 23:00

To cut a long story short; my daughter is 19 and my son is 15. I’m 37 and am thinking about having another couple of babies. I know this might sound flippant but I obviously mean if nature is willing. I have been married almost 15 years and part of us is thinking that in 3 years we are more free to follow our dreams.

However another feeling we have is now that we are better off we could have more children to enrich our lives as we had our other children so young. I’m worried about being an older mother and the fact I could need to have more medical involvement as my first two were delivered with minimal assistance. Is this just my hormones or shall I (we) follow our heart.

I guess we’re on the brink of grandchildren, is that enough? I’m confused? xx

OP posts:
Blahblahblahzeeblah · 10/12/2017 09:14

Some people thrive on parenthood and nothing makes them happier than having a full and busy home. If that's you then go for it.

Auvergne · 10/12/2017 09:16

It’s always strikes me as a tiny bit narrow minded when people start ordering others to travel. You see similar posts in reverse to people in their 20s thinking of having a baby.

Travel is an interest. Not everyone has the same interests, ergo, not everyone is interested in travel.

MuseumOfCurry · 10/12/2017 09:19

Surely the primary advantage to young parenthood is that by the time you've reached your late 30s, you are free to do the things that you might have otherwise done in your 20s?

I think this would be a major financial blow.

Babbitywabbit · 10/12/2017 09:26

Auvernge makes a fair point- it doesn’t have to be travel. I suppose the general point is that it’s about having the head space and also the capacity to do certain things that you can’t do in the same way with babies and young children

Actually we always traveled a fair bit when the kids were small, so having grown up kids hadn’t meant we do massively more travelling . But when we do, it’s a very different sort of venture because small kids just can’t do all the same type of stuff you want to do as an adult. Tiny babies are perhaps easier when you want to stick them in a sling and wander round an art gallery; but that doesn’t last long, they turn into small children who can scupper your best laid plans Grin

Yogagirl123 · 10/12/2017 09:32

It wouldn’t be something that I would consider I have my family DH, and two DS 16&14. I love babies and children, but I think you tend to look back with rose tinted glasses. I would say life can change in a heartbeat, be grateful for what you have got. But what is right for one person is not for another, a decision for you to make OP.

speakout · 10/12/2017 09:38

Babbitywabbit yes of course it is not all about travel, I was using that as an illustration.

It's about having the time, energy and headspace to focus on ourselves rather than others.

It could be about becoming a yoga teacher or learning to play the flute, or shagging for two days without getting out of bed.

It's about anything you want without being at the beck and call of others. It's about having less obligation, of having our sleeping hours dictated to, of course we will never have no obligations, but life with a small child is very full on.

NC4now · 10/12/2017 09:45

I’d be thinking of the teenage years. Do you want to be doing that in 16 years time? I wouldn’t.

GreenPurpleRed · 10/12/2017 09:47

Iused you just said you have decent pensions, is that not preparing for old age Hmm

HRTpatch · 10/12/2017 09:54

Never..I had mine at 36 and 39 and I found looking after babies and small children wasn't for me. It's great now they are 21 and 18.
I don't want grandchildren either.

Auvergne · 10/12/2017 09:55

To be clear here, are people against the OP having a baby because she is 37 and thus shock horror in her early fifties when the child turns 13,and obviously decrepit, ancient and hag like? Or is it because she already has adult children?

Because it seems to me a bit like:

“Should we have a baby?”
“No. Travel.”
“Well, that’s not really our thing ...”
“O.K. then. Go to art galleries. Take up photography. Buy a dog, or a horse, or a cat. Knit. Run. Ski. Swim.”

Now, all the above are fine - IF someone has a burning desire to do them and has been previously unable to do so because of family constraints. If however, someone has no particular desire to visit art galleries, travel, walk up snowdon - but they do have a desire to have another child, what’s actually wrong with that?

If people have points re the environment and re expense and things OP might not have thought of, fair enough. It just seems orders to take up a random hobby are a bit dismissive.

Iusedtobecarmen · 10/12/2017 09:56

Yes pension is preparing for old age. But they are work related pensions so not aomething actively planned.
But thats as far as it goes. I wouldn't be planning to pay off mortgage if i had one before having a baby!

Iusedtobecarmen · 10/12/2017 10:04

Agree auvergne
I had my first child late 20s and had plenty of time to enjoy myself before. Had a great social life and had many child free holidays. I do love to traveling kids haven't really limited where I go.
I've taken my dc away since they were babies. Maybe not travelling as such,or exotic locations,but places I wanted to go.
Sometimes it's been stressful but mainly a laugh and I wouldn't really want to go away without them either.
I would like a bit more time with my dp perhaps but mainly javing young dc doeant affect where i go or what i do. We ahve minimal childcare options so nice had to adapt

I certainly wouldn't NOT have a child to pursue anything in particular. The only thing I like to do without family is going to the pub!
I agree with the poster who said that for some people having a busy family life is the most important thing.

Babbitywabbit · 10/12/2017 10:10

Grin at the idea of compulsory hobbies once people reach a certain age.

I think that’s s bit of a red herring actually.

What strikes me is the OPs feeling that ‘ Part of me wants to do things properly and part of me thinks I m mad.’

Surely the only good reason to have bring a child into the world is that you and your partner feel your family is not yet complete, and that there is no likely reason more kids will impact negatively on existing children.

Any other reason, whether it’s unresolved issues about how you’ve raised your existing family, to fill a gap, fear of empty nest, adoring babies (as opposed to wanting the whole shebang of toddlers, school kids, teenagers) .... well, they just aren’t good enough to justify bringing another life into the world

Auvergne · 10/12/2017 10:16

What reason is good enough, then?

Contraception failure? Wanting a baby?

I don’t see 37 as ancient for having a child, to be honest.

Babbitywabbit · 10/12/2017 10:23

Nor do I! 37 is fine. Wouldn’t do it in the OPs situation though, with much older teenagers and the reasons she gives in her posts

Iusedtobecarmen · 10/12/2017 10:57

I'm.baffled as to why we have to consult older dc on whether to have more dc!!
Unless you have a severely disabled child(which you can never predict will happen) or you go into double figures in a tiny house I don't see how's it could habe a negative impact.
My eldest dc moans about younger siblings but it wasn't his decision to make for me to have an only child!
I happen to think siblings enrich your life mostly. I wouldn't want to be without mine. Not always easy but what relationships are

Original poster
MumoftheBoyandtheGirl · 10/12/2017 11:11

Thanks for all the replies! My DH and I do enjoy our freedom now and love to be able to do what we want when we want and we are looking to travel more. I guess we need to look at what we are going to fill the next (hopefully) 50/60 years with.....

OP posts:
GreenPurpleRed · 10/12/2017 11:14

Auvergne it's not an age thing for me dd1 I was 33, dd2 38. It's a life thing, she's got dc who are grown up and I think OP is remembering it with rose tinted glasses or she would have had dc3 sooner.

BrutusMcDogface · 10/12/2017 11:21

I'm going to be giving birth to number 4 at the age of 37 (all going well!) my others are still primary aged, though. Agree that many people don't even start their families until their thirties these days. If you want another one, go for it!

Though make sure your older two don't resent the babysitting duties...as I did, a bit, with my much younger brother.

daimbar · 10/12/2017 11:22

I am the product of this decision by my parents! My older siblings were 15 and 17 when I was born. They had them in their early 20s and me late 30s (and my younger sister early 40s).

I am certainly glad to be alive and I am pretty sure our parents don’t regret having me and my sister. I love having older siblings, it was like having extra parents.

The only think I can say it they did seem a bit bored of parenting at times, they weren’t that interested in coming to my nativity plays for example.

It was also great being a young Aunty when the grandchildren started arriving.

BrutusMcDogface · 10/12/2017 11:25

Our mortgage is a LONG way from being paid off. Wow, to have paid it off by 37...?! Amazing.

0hCrepe · 10/12/2017 11:27

I would. I had dc3 with a 10yr age gap, at 40. No probs at all. It’s wonderful doing it again, I’m enjoying every minute and the older 2 adore her. I don’t understand the getting your life back line, I love my kids and being a mother, theyre the best thing in my life I don’t wish for that to be done with.

fountainblue · 10/12/2017 11:33

Iusedtobecarmen

Do.people really raise eyes that you are pregnant at the ancient age of 38??!

I think the raised eyebrows came after they asked whether it was my first pg, and then when they ask how old my first dc is - I think they expect me to say she's 4/5/6 rather than 18! Interestingly we live in quite a deprived borough and I overheard some people in the clinic discussing how later babies are common here after a large gap as tax credits would get cut off when their younger dc leave school otherwise. Not the case for us as we're over the threshold, but it could explain some attitudes towards our decision.

MyDcAreMarvel · 10/12/2017 11:35

"I'd think of the kids you already have. What if you get ill or die? The 'new' child will fall to the older siblings. "
The op is 37 not 57! Many women have their first dc at 37.

0hCrepe · 10/12/2017 11:41

Loads of people assumed mine after a big gap was a mistake or said I’m mad or think I must have a new partner. It’s funny how horrified people can be, it like you can only tell first time mums how wonderful it is but past a certain age with older dc and ‘god no way it’s a nightmare’ etc. Do people really not enjoy having kids?!!
It really has been better than I’d ever hoped for all of us.

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