To have another baby/babies now

[MumoftheBoyandtheGirl]

To cut a long story short; my daughter is 19 and my son is 15. I’m 37 and am thinking about having another couple of babies. I know this might sound flippant but I obviously mean if nature is willing. I have been married almost 15 years and part of us is thinking that in 3 years we are more free to follow our dreams.

However another feeling we have is now that we are better off we could have more children to enrich our lives as we had our other children so young. I’m worried about being an older mother and the fact I could need to have more medical involvement as my first two were delivered with minimal assistance. Is this just my hormones or shall I (we) follow our heart.

I guess we’re on the brink of grandchildren, is that enough? I’m confused? xx

I think if you hadn't got children already people would be saying 'but you're not old!'

One I can genuinely answer. I have a 20 year old and a 10 month old. She was a little surprise as we thought our child rearing days were over.

Is it harder being older? Hell yes! I am more tired than I was with my 20 year old that's for sure. Life has really changed for us in respect of going out, holidays etc.... It really is starting again but with a bit of knowledge.

Do I regret it? No. She is a joy and a delight and we all love her to bits. She doesn't have the same sister relationship with my eldest more an auntie/niece role.

I did have private additional tests due to my age. We wanted to make informed decisions when pregnant as I did have to think about my eldest and how she could become a carer to her sister at a young age.

I did have a traumatic birth but that can happen at any age. Although mine was caused by cervical cancer that I had a few years ago which obviously wasn't an issue when I was younger.

Only you can decide if you want to make the big changes.

Oh blimey I wouldn’t. Just having a four year age gap has been tough for me and I’m 31. My sil has recently had a baby at 38, her other children and 11 and 12. We thought she was mad going back to the baby stage all over again when her kids were just starting to become more independent and she could get some time to herself back.

I had my third two years ago, at 38, with a 10 and 8 year gap respectively to the older two. So not as big a gap as you are proposing. I don't regret it for a second, and the practicalities have been reasonably easy (even the grinding lack of sleep), but I have noticed the loss of a freedom I had begun to regain and begun to look forward to having that again. Our neighbours have a 10yo, an 8yo and a 5yo and I do notice wistfully how much easier even they have it now (although I could never, ever have done 3 all close together).

I can't help thinking that at the age of your dc - to me at least - the point of no return would have been passed. And I think with their growing independence you are getting a touch of pre-empty nest syndrome and a baby is a possibility to fill that because, unlike many in this situation, you are still physically young enough. I'd be asking myself why this desire now if it wasn't there in the intervening years (we started trying for no. 3 when no. 2 was 4 and a half, but recurrent miscarriage intervened).

I know a couple of people who did have two older ones and then another one or two many many years later (same parents, not new partner).
For both, in different ways, it has proved to be really difficult- for one couple the end of their marriage. For the other serious illness following complications and resulting serious mental health issues for the mother, and as a knock on the teenage son. If you want to do it, do, but babies and toddlers and hard work and your teenagers may absolutely hate it. It could be great but I think there are lots of reasons not to.

Why not? I was 40 when I had my son and it's been great.
Apart from the sleep thing.

Crazy idea.

You have had no child free adult life. You need time and space to do that growing up yourself.
Time to explore who you are outside of being a mother.

Don't burden yourself with another baby. You are young enough to start a new career, start a business, travel, have fun without responsibilities.

My life course is a reverse of yours. I didn't become a mother until I was 38. In those 20 adult years without children I had a blast.
Brilliant career, plenty money, diving on coral reefs, climbing volcanoes, visiting far flung places, walking amongst redwoods, Singapore slings in Raffles Hotels, sunbathing with giant tortoises in the Seychelles, Sipping tea in Ceylon, eating couscous in Marrakesh, Christmas in Bali, canal cruises in Amsterdam, lying in a hammock for a year in Thailand, hosting wild all night parties, skiing in the Abruzzo,
swimming with turtles in Indonesia, sexy nights in Paris, shopping in Rome, watching the Northern lights, sailing in Greece, Finca in Spain.

My youngest is 17 and will be off to university soon. I am looking forward to having time to myself again. OH and I are still crazy about each other and are already planning for things to do and travel plans as a couple.

Don't deny yourself.

Just to let you know, primary schools are still using the Oxford Reading Tree (with Biff, Chip & Kipper).

That for me is the killer reason why I could not ever have another one.

Never again.

Had dd at 38. Loved being pregnant with her and the birth was a little dramatic but so were my other three. There is a gap between by youngest and oldest of 15 years. They absolutely adore her and help when they can. Saying that the toddler years have been exhausting but I’m totally different mum to when I had my other three in my 20s. I feel like I rushed through it with them all so with her I’m savouring every moment Im thinking she is my last and it’s sad.

If it is what you both want then go for it. I was 20 & 22 when I had the first 2. I had my 3rd at 32 and he dramatically changed our lives for the better. My Sil was 37 and 41 when she had her 2 . She was in her mid 60s before she had grandchildren and she and is fully involved in their lives. She says she has as much fun now as when her own were young.

I became a grandparent at 45 and helped looked after 8 grandchildren well into my 50s and 60s. Not all at once of course. So much depends on your own health and energy levels. I think a child brought into the world in a loving home can only y be a good thing. I did consider having a 4th as I was concerned about the youngest feeling like an only child. It did not happen so I guess it was not meant to be.

To clarify, I didn’t say that having children was a phase. Having children is for life!

What I meant was, life can (broadly) be seen as a progression of phases, growing up, entering work life, meeting a partner, retiring etc And childhood stages also follow phases... newborn, toddler stage, pre teen, teenager etc

No one is saying it’s not possible to mix them up, do them in a different order etc - simply that the idea of ‘re doing’ a phase to somehow do it ‘better’ (which is how the OP described it) is anathema to many of us.

I’ll readily admit though, that having a career in education I’ve come across too many families where mum has another kid or two after a lengthy age gap and it can often be very unsettling for the teenage kids who are going through the adolescent stage, and frankly in some cases the parents aren’t making a better fist of things second (third, fourth) time around.

Not saying it’s always like that (as some posters have said, they have huge age gaps and it’s all wonderful) But I would beware of having more if it’s about an unresolved feeling of wanting to do it ‘better.’ I’m sure it’s very natural, after bringing up your children with as much love and care as you can, to think ‘oh if i had my time again I’d do x,y and z.’ Chances are however many children you have, you’ll always feel like
That, because raising kids though wonderful and life affirming is never ever ever going to be ‘perfect.’

People who are having their first dc at 38/39/40 whatever is not the same as OP and asking her with 2 dc already about her mortgage and pension is a goid point.

Most would assume you are more financially settled at mid 30 then 18 and now would be the time for her and dh to prepare for old age.

I think you would be crazy to go back to the baby stage now you are well clear. I'm 40 with a 2 yo and it's bloody tiring and I wish I had have been in a position to have my 2 dc younger.

I agree you will always wish you had done things differently no matter how many dc you have
For me,although I love doing other stuff ,of course,I love bringing up dc alongside it
I would hate to think it's all over! I like to think a baby is always a possibilty until im actually no longer fertile.
I know people disagree but I can't see my life in phases-babies,toddlers,schoolage,teens. I don't have the desire to have a life solely outside of that. I like doing it with dc all alongside me as as family.
Perhaps it's because i already had a big gap at the start with my dc. Its normal for me.

I agree you will always wish you had done things differently no matter how many dc you have

em no. I am happy with my life.

greenpurplered
Prepare for old age at 37?really?
I don't know if I'm really reckless or others are super sensible but i see old age as a long way off!!yes we both have decent pensions but thats as far as it goes!
Mortgage is paid but only because we bought house years ago but we have many other commitments.
I wouldn't not have a baby in my 30s or even 40s because I needed to save for my r retirement.

I wouldn't purely because you have 2 healthy children already and the special needs risk is now very high. I have a child with complex special needs and now I'll never be free like you almost are.

speakout we I was referring to babbitt who said raising dc is never going to be perfect.

Special needs risk is not very high at 37.
Yes there are increased risks but not very high
Another poster who thinks 37 is ancient to have a child!!

I’m very happy with my life too

My point was that life isn’t perfect, and raising children is a mix of deep joy, deep worry, wonderment, golden moments, and hard grind!!

If you feel you have unresolved issues about how you raised the children you already have, it’s quite possibly the worst idea to have more kids.

Have more kids because you and your husband feel your family is incomplete. Frankly that’s the only good reason. Not because you have regrets about how you brought up your existing kids. Or to fill a gap, put off moving on with your life, or any other reason.

You’re only 37. Many women don’t have first babies until then. If it’s what you want, do it and enjoy. You’ll only be about my age when they reach adulthood and we’ve a few years left in us to go travelling and enjoy the freedom. We’re not retired and both work full time plus so the full time enjoyment of our leisure won’t be for a few years yet.

Nothing wrong with having babies in your late thirties but think about the impact on your older children - how would they feel?

It’s really up to you and what you want. My SO and I have decided to have one and I’m 40 and my son is now 9 but we both really want this. It would be my SOs first my second. If you want to travel then travel but if you want a baby have a baby. You just have to decide what’s best for you which nobody here can really do as we aren’t in your shoes.

It may mean more medical involvement but frankly at 37 chances of having a good healthy pregnancy are good.

Good luck with whatever you decide

Essentially it doesn’t matter what we think, only you and your husband can decide

If it was me though, I definitely wouldn’t. I’d enjoy the children you have - it’s never too late to do so - and the changing relationship with them as they develop into adults
Relish your freedom with your partner

I don’t think you need to be worrying about getting ill or dying! Plenty have their first far older than you.

But.. I had the same dilemma at your age as I remarried and would have loved one with my new dh. My kids are now 17 and 20, dh has since become financially successful and for the first time in my life I literally have nothing to worry about and can enjoy life. I have less patience than I did when I was younger, my parents are getting old so I have that responsibility. Would I want to be now stressing over the 9 x table or entrance exams? No no no. I’ll enjoy having small kids around me again when I have grandchildren.

I had my first at 27. We were skint, stuck in a tiny house with awful neighbours. I screamed at him when he was a toddler far too many times due to stress about money, H never here as always working.
Had another at 35 and I’m such a better mother. So much more patience, don’t worry about insignificant things I used to get upset about. We have a nice big house with huge garden and if the kids need new shoes it’s no problem. I can’t count on one hand the number of times I’ve got upset about something the toddler has done. I just enjoy the kids now.
I’d totally recommend being a mum in your late 30s.