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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have another baby/babies now

107 replies

MumoftheBoyandtheGirl · 09/12/2017 23:00

To cut a long story short; my daughter is 19 and my son is 15. I’m 37 and am thinking about having another couple of babies. I know this might sound flippant but I obviously mean if nature is willing. I have been married almost 15 years and part of us is thinking that in 3 years we are more free to follow our dreams.

However another feeling we have is now that we are better off we could have more children to enrich our lives as we had our other children so young. I’m worried about being an older mother and the fact I could need to have more medical involvement as my first two were delivered with minimal assistance. Is this just my hormones or shall I (we) follow our heart.

I guess we’re on the brink of grandchildren, is that enough? I’m confused? xx

OP posts:
Postagestamppat · 09/12/2017 23:46

Go for it if you would like another child(ren). As a pp said others are just starting their families are your age. Would anyone dream of saying don't do it - babies take too much effort - to them? It is an intensely personal decision.

SteggySawUs · 09/12/2017 23:49

Absolutely go for it! Plenty of people are only just starting families at your age! I'd give my right arm to have my two over again, they're at school, but i'm too old now. The idea of doing the preschool years again (without the pressure of getting back for school run) is lovely. Do you have the patience for wheels-on-the-bus at toddler groups again...?

Original poster
MumoftheBoyandtheGirl · 09/12/2017 23:55

I think because of my circumstance I didn’t really get a chance to enjoy my children fully. I just did what I felt had t be done. I think this may be making me feel that I could do better? I know not everyone is so fortunate and I have had many miscarriages over the years but with all being well

OP posts:
KathArtic · 09/12/2017 23:56

how are things financially??

Is your mortgage paid off? Savings? pensions?

Original poster
MumoftheBoyandtheGirl · 10/12/2017 00:01

We are doing good ok financially. We have a mortgage which is ok and allows us to also save around £500 a month and if need be we could dramatically reduce outgoings but right now we’re very confortable.

OP posts:
Babbitywabbit · 10/12/2017 00:09

“I think because of my circumstance I didn’t really get a chance to enjoy my children fully. I just did what I felt had t be done. I think this may be making me feel that I could do better?”

Doesn’t everyone feel this though? I think it’s quite natural when your kids are much older to think back and with the wonder of hindsight, think how you could have been ‘better.’ It doesn’t mean you would be though. The reality of babies and young children is that it’s lack of sleep, lack of money (either sacrificing work life or paying shed loads in childcare) and it’s also hard graft. Of course it’s miraculous and wonderful too- which is why we have babies. Would I do it all over again once I had teenagers like you? No way!

Boys123 · 10/12/2017 00:22

Your age isn't a problem but the thought of going back to the baby stages again after 15 years could be daunting. The risks could apply to a woman of any age, special needs can happen to any child, the risks do increase with age but it could just as easily be a worry in your early 20's.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 10/12/2017 00:31

If you want to then do it. My eldest is 18 youngest 8 months...

fountainblue · 10/12/2017 00:47

I'm 38 and pg with my 2nd dc - my DD will be 19 when I give birth. I am in a slightly different position as my DH is a new partner and doesn't have any dc of his own, so we wanted to have the opportunity to have a child together. I'm not sure I would choose to have more dc in your situation but then again I see no reason why not. I found being pregnant and giving birth very easy when I was younger, and it is more tiring this time around, and my body is less forgiving in my late 30s. I've had a few raised eyebrows when I've told people, but everyone knows you get judged as a mum no matter what and one good thing about being older is that you learn to care much less about what others think.

DD will be at university next year so I don't think she will be hugely impacted as she will be away for a lot of the year - I think I'd be more concerned about your DS as he is younger and will be studying for exams etc. We only plan to have one more dc as I wouldn't have liked to juggle more than one dc at a time with DD, and I think I'd like it even less as an older mum! I was a sahm for most of DD's childhood and I plan to be a sahm with this one too. I'll be 56 when this baby is 18 which for me is the limit - I wouldn't want to have to deal with teenagers in my late 50s/60s (although DD has been a very calm teen, I've known other families have had to deal with much worse!).

I've always travelled a lot with DD and we plan to have great holidays with our new dc - having a family doesn't rule that out, although it does change the type of travelling you do.

We have had our antenatal testing done and we are low risk for genetic conditions, but of course there are many others which can't be tested for (and conditions that can be a result of accident or illness later in life). I've worked with children with disabilities so the idea isn't too daunting for me - I just think it's always something you risk when you have a child at whatever age.

Financially there are implications - we will be supporting DD with university and have the costs of a young baby on top (but no childcare costs thankfully), and she'll get half the inheritance/adult support we might have offered in the future. We've cleared our mortgage though and we're financially secure.

LittleKiwi · 10/12/2017 00:53

I wouldn’t be able to resist but I love babies :) x

Postagestamppat · 10/12/2017 01:51

Is your mortgage paid off? Savings? pensions?

Oh bugger. On having dd at 37 we had no savings, were renting and pensions were a distant thought. Now we are more financially stable after her birth. But if that criteria was applied I doubt many would have kids at all.

Snowdog37 · 10/12/2017 02:03

I’m having my first next March at 39. Yes I’m knackered as he’s not even born yet, but I’d rather be tired and happy than energetic and regretful.

Snowdog37 · 10/12/2017 02:03

*and not as

ritarose661 · 10/12/2017 02:05

if you would like to have more childern,you can go for 1 but not more than that at this age

Wallywobbles · 10/12/2017 06:15

We are looking forward to grandkids. Might be a substantial wait but I couldn’t do babies again 24/7.

Peachyking000 · 10/12/2017 06:33

if you would like to have more childern,you can go for 1 but not more than that at this age

Why?

ethelfleda · 10/12/2017 06:47

I am currently up for the millionth time with my 6 week old. Just don't do it to yourself!!

MsHopey · 10/12/2017 06:55

Each to their own.
My auntie has a 22yo, a 19yo, a 14yo and is currrently pregnant with a baby boy, she's never been happier. She actually has a 3yo grandchild! But is so happy to have another LO of her own on the way.

ferntwist · 10/12/2017 07:02

Follow your heart. The average age for first babies is about 30 these days.
You’re not on the brink of grandchildren, surely?!

Iusedtobecarmen · 10/12/2017 07:18

I'm.shocked people seem to think 37 is getting on a bit to have a child!!I had eldest in my 20s and other 2 at 37 and 39.
I'm in my 40s and have the same energy as 20 years ago.
Some people are old before their time.
I'd absolutely love a baby now still a d not massively worried about coping.
OP 100%go for it!
As for waiting for grandkids well that might not happen for years. Plus they are not your kids. You any wait for grandchildren like they are going to belong to you. Strange thing for people to say

At 37 you still have a good 30 odd years of still being very active. Plenty of time to bring up a couple of dc. Yes you could become seriously ill or drop down dead
But it's unlikely.

Iusedtobecarmen · 10/12/2017 07:24

fountain
Do.people really raise eyes that you are pregnant at the ancient age of 38??!
The only time in would probably raise an eyebrow at someone who is pregnant is a very young girl(under 15,16) or someone who is past natural fertility-late 50s.

Babbitywabbit · 10/12/2017 07:30

‘I'm.shocked people seem to think 37 is getting on a bit to have a child!!’

To be fair I dont think most people are saying this. In fact many posters have said they had their first child at around this age, and of course it’s very common now for women to wait until their 30s to reproduce.

It’s not the age, it’s the age gap between the kids and the fact that having raised two children, one now an adult and one almost there, the OP is thinking of starting all over again.

Of course children are wonderful, no ones denying that, but each phase of life is wonderful, and it seems strange to many of us to want to ‘redo’ a whole phase again rather than moving onto the next exciting phase of more freedom, the company of young adult kids and yes, maybe grandkids

Obviously entirely up to the OP and her husband, but she posted for peoples opinions, and while very few of us are fazed by the age, the idea of starting over again when you’ve already raised children is bonkers to many couples

Pseudousername · 10/12/2017 07:32

37 is fine to be having a kid but what do your existing kids think?

Iusedtobecarmen · 10/12/2017 07:36

I don't think of having dc as a 'Phase'or chapter in my life. I had a biggish gap between ist and 2nd(through choice)and I like being a mommy. So a gap is irrelevant to me. I have a varied and interesting life and I work,but I like being a mother most.
I dont think what older dc think is relevant either, they are not your partner.

Iusedtobecarmen · 10/12/2017 07:39

I GUESS some people decide on a number of dc and have them kind of altogether and then move on to the next bit.
Other people just have children sporadically.
I have always just kept my options open and as long as I'm fertile would consider another baby.
It's just adding to the family I've already got. Enhancing it.