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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit upset over this?

61 replies

FloweryRose · 09/12/2017 19:58

I have 3 DC, 2 DDs aged 10 and 6 and DS aged 2. I am ashamed to say all 3 have different dads and I have been on my own with them all. Only one of the dads is involved in anyway (DD2s) and none of them pay maintenance - DD1s dad has never been involved and I have no idea where he is, DD2s dad is "self employed" by his dad and hides his money so it looks like he earns nothing, and DS's dad is in prison so no chance I can get money out of any of them.

I work, but due to DS's age I can only work for the 15 hours a week he's in Nursery as I have no help with childcare. My siblings are all much older than me (between 25 and 20 years older) and have grandchildren they help with and both my parents are in their 70s so can't help me so I'm stuck with a minimum wage minimum hours job. TCs, CB, and HB covers my bills, food and rent but there's not much left. And by the time fuels come out to get and from work I'm left with a nominal amount.

I've managed to save £150 for Christmas, which means each child will get about £30 spent on them as I also need to cover costumes for the Nativity plays (£5 donation to school so £10), ticket costs for Nativity and oldests Carol Concert (tickets where £15 each), School Christmas Dinner for all three (£2.50 so £7.50) and I also have to pay for my sons meals at Nursery as he's too young for FSM (they're £50 a term but I pay at the end of every half term so £25).

I have a Nephew (DNph) who is the same age as me he's my oldest sisters oldest child, mum and DSis where pregnant at same time and he has a little girl (GNie) the same age as my DS. He's been quite successful, and has a good job, as does his wife. They both love my children and are happy to help with emergency childcare if I'm held up at work or one of them needs to go to hospital but can't offer anything more regular as they both work full time.

I saw DNph today at my parents and we got chatting about Christmas. He mentioned he'd be buying presents for all his cousins and they'll also all be getting a little something from GNie as well. He told me what he's getting each child, and they're going to love it. But I've worked out he's spent more per child than I have, around £50 each.

I am gutted and feel so guilty. And want to ask him to return some or all of the presents and just stick to the token gift his wife has got from GNie. My parents have already agreed to spend only £10 on each child as they don't want the children questioning why I didn't spend more, but I can't ask to borrow money as they have 5 children including me, and 12 grandchild and GNie their great grandchild to buy for.

WIBU to ask DNph to return some of his gifts? Or do I just need to suck it up?

OP posts:
WildRosesGrow · 09/12/2017 20:06

I think that's lovely of your nephew to share his good fortune with his extended family like this. You really shouldn't feel guilty - you're managing your money sensibly and I'm sure your children will love both their presents and the fact that you can make time (and have saved money) to be able to share their Christmas concerts with them too.

Smile and thank your nephew and celebrate with the children. I don't think children really analyse how much has been spent on them. They've got a lovely Mum who puts them first, which on this occasion should include accepting the gifts from your nephew and greatniece.

Rainatnight · 09/12/2017 20:06

Your DC won't know the prices of anything, though, will they? And probably better that they get the presents than not?

Original poster
FloweryRose · 09/12/2017 20:15

Oldest DD might know the prices of things, as I explained to her she could only have a small present this year and she's chosen something within budget.

I don't want to offend my DNph but I also feel guilty that I haven't done better for myself and have 3 children that won't get many presents this year.

OP posts:
inmyheadimthequeen · 09/12/2017 20:17

I agree with wildroses, let your brother treat your Dcs. I'm not in exactly your DB' s position but my dh and I are v comfortably off compared to my sister. I'm not in a position to help her physically (different country) but send her money a few times a year. I could afford a lot more than I give tbh but I worry that she would be offended and/or feel under pressure to send my DOcs bigger gifts than she can afford. I want what I give her to be for her and her family, not to be given back to mine. It feels hard to explain but let your DB give if he wants to, so long as you don't feel you 'owe' him anything.

BrieAndChilli · 09/12/2017 20:21

The kids won’t care who they get the presents from.
The little ones will have next to no idea about cost of things and the eldest will understand you don’t have much money so will understand people are able to spend different amounts and I’m sure will just be thankful for the lovely presents she gets

Somethingfantastic89 · 09/12/2017 20:22

I understand your feelings OP but I don't think you should act on them. Let your DN treat your children. I've been on both sides, receiving support from sister and supporting sister when she needed me. This is what family does. Don't feel guilty, you're doing your best.

BrieAndChilli · 09/12/2017 20:22

Plus you have no idea what sort of deals he got - 3-4-2, Bogof, money off etc

LunarGirl · 09/12/2017 20:23

I do understand where you're coming from, but if your nephew wants to treat your DC and he can afford to, you'll be taking that away from your DC just to save your pride. We all need a little help from time to time. My main focus would be making sure my DC had a great Christmas, it doesn't matter how much you spend.

Allthebestnamesareused · 09/12/2017 20:25

Don't feel guilty. They'll spend what they can afford and what they want to and they know your situation and won't expect you to reciprocate.

My sister asked not to do presents as she can't afford them (last 15 years) but I told her I would like to carry on buying for her kids as I could afford to and they are my only DNs so she agreed. It doesn't bother me that she doesn't get my kids anything.

Milkandtwosugarsplease · 09/12/2017 20:26

I agree with above, let him spend it on your kids and don’t feel guilty. Some people have bigger budgets than others. You spend what you can and I’m sure your kids would be grateful. I’m sure your DN is doing it with good intentions so let him.

KatnissMellark · 09/12/2017 20:27

On a separate note, tell the school you're struggling and can't afford the costumes and tickets, they will have heard/seen it before, it's nothing for you to be ashamed about and will but you a little more leeway financially.

scrabbler3 · 09/12/2017 20:28

He sounds lovely. Don't worry.

Enidblyton1 · 09/12/2017 20:29

I think it's lovely your Dnephew wants to treat your DCs.
Your younger two won't understand the value of anything anyway, and even if your 10 year old notices, does it really matter? She won't think any less of your gift.

Enidblyton1 · 09/12/2017 20:30

Actually I'm pretty certain my sister and parents have spent more on their main Christmas presents for my DC (because I spend mostly on their stockings)
I hadn't even given it a thought until now!!
Please don't let it worry you.

SometimesMaybe · 09/12/2017 20:33

Aw, bless you. This isn’t a reflection on your inability to parent “well” whatever that might be. Think of it as your children have a lovely extended family who care very much about them. It’s a good thing and the kids will only remember how exciting Christmas is not what you bought them.

On another note - don’t pay the Nativity donation to school and use the ten pounds to take the kids for a hot chocolate on Christmas Eve or something. Tell the school you don’t have the money.

chestylarue52 · 09/12/2017 20:33

No you're not unreasonable to feel upset about it.

Please let him give the gifts. He'll get a lot of pleasure from it. So will they.

Your gift to your children is providing for them emotionally, physically, financially, all year round. Please be kinder to yourself. You're doing a brilliant job an they are lucky to have you.

niknac1 · 09/12/2017 20:33

Please accept the kindness offered its meant well and it’s lovely your relative wants to give your children a nice gift.

chestylarue52 · 09/12/2017 20:35

It seems like you have a lot of internal shame about not having a 2.4 nuclear family and not having loads of money. That's totally understandable but it is nonsense and wasted emotional energy. Be proud of yourself and your achievements and your children.

passemoilevin · 09/12/2017 20:42

That's a ridiculous amount to pay to the school in your situation. They have funds for this sort of thing, tell them you can't afford.

Thanks
CeciliaBartolli · 09/12/2017 20:47

I got lost after the 15th acronym

honeyroar · 09/12/2017 20:50

You're living within your means, providing for your family without help, and teaching your children to understand that people can't have everything and have to save up. You should be incredibly proud, not ashamed - you're doing a fantastic job. Let him buy a nice gift. You all sound like a great family.

BrizzleDrizzle · 09/12/2017 21:00

The children won't care about the value of the gift - my DC got a gift from me which they had really wanted and had no idea they were getting because they knew it was beyond my budget. When they got it they were delighted but still played with the bubble wrap first - they are 12.

delshwragon · 09/12/2017 21:01

As a previous poster has said - the school have funds set aside for all the things you mention... costumes, lunches and trips. Please talk to the HT on Monday. Cake

Ellie56 · 09/12/2017 21:02

Agree you should tell the school you don't have money for all the Nativity stuff. I bet you're not the only parent struggling.

blue2014 · 09/12/2017 21:02

Don't feel guilty, you are raising your children- that's a big job and it sounds like you're doing great

Also don't Be ashamed that they're from different dads. We've all mostly had sex with more than one man, so yours produced children. - that's nothing to be ashamed of Thanks

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