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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a bit upset over this?

61 replies

FloweryRose · 09/12/2017 19:58

I have 3 DC, 2 DDs aged 10 and 6 and DS aged 2. I am ashamed to say all 3 have different dads and I have been on my own with them all. Only one of the dads is involved in anyway (DD2s) and none of them pay maintenance - DD1s dad has never been involved and I have no idea where he is, DD2s dad is "self employed" by his dad and hides his money so it looks like he earns nothing, and DS's dad is in prison so no chance I can get money out of any of them.

I work, but due to DS's age I can only work for the 15 hours a week he's in Nursery as I have no help with childcare. My siblings are all much older than me (between 25 and 20 years older) and have grandchildren they help with and both my parents are in their 70s so can't help me so I'm stuck with a minimum wage minimum hours job. TCs, CB, and HB covers my bills, food and rent but there's not much left. And by the time fuels come out to get and from work I'm left with a nominal amount.

I've managed to save £150 for Christmas, which means each child will get about £30 spent on them as I also need to cover costumes for the Nativity plays (£5 donation to school so £10), ticket costs for Nativity and oldests Carol Concert (tickets where £15 each), School Christmas Dinner for all three (£2.50 so £7.50) and I also have to pay for my sons meals at Nursery as he's too young for FSM (they're £50 a term but I pay at the end of every half term so £25).

I have a Nephew (DNph) who is the same age as me he's my oldest sisters oldest child, mum and DSis where pregnant at same time and he has a little girl (GNie) the same age as my DS. He's been quite successful, and has a good job, as does his wife. They both love my children and are happy to help with emergency childcare if I'm held up at work or one of them needs to go to hospital but can't offer anything more regular as they both work full time.

I saw DNph today at my parents and we got chatting about Christmas. He mentioned he'd be buying presents for all his cousins and they'll also all be getting a little something from GNie as well. He told me what he's getting each child, and they're going to love it. But I've worked out he's spent more per child than I have, around £50 each.

I am gutted and feel so guilty. And want to ask him to return some or all of the presents and just stick to the token gift his wife has got from GNie. My parents have already agreed to spend only £10 on each child as they don't want the children questioning why I didn't spend more, but I can't ask to borrow money as they have 5 children including me, and 12 grandchild and GNie their great grandchild to buy for.

WIBU to ask DNph to return some of his gifts? Or do I just need to suck it up?

OP posts:

zippies · 09/12/2017 21:42

Hi that isn't great about the school - the school my children go to go out of their way to sort that out - also I provided spare costumes (which I bought because I know parents struggle but I just made sure I handed them in as spare so that people have them) I basically have full nativity sets and make sure people know they can borrow them.

Please let your nephew do this for your children.

One other thing OP please don't feel ashamed about your children having different dads and I hope you don't ever tell your no doubt wonderful children that you feel shame.

Original poster

FloweryRose · 09/12/2017 21:42

It's been the policy for years from what I can tell, my DD1 left a few years ago and it was the policy then and seems similar with my DD2 and DS. The children in the "audience" cheer or sing but don't actually go on the stage and do/say anything but they are usually in uniform. I will speak to the class rep but don't see it changing as it's been like that for years.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 09/12/2017 22:19

Time for them to come out of the Dark Ages then! We have a costume bank run by PTA for this purpose- people donate their angel costume or shepherd outfit or whatever.

wineoclock1 · 09/12/2017 22:27

It's Christmas and your children are only young once, let them have the lovely gift from your family member. It sounds like you are doing a great job!

RestingGrinchFace · 09/12/2017 22:32

YABU. I don't see why your children will care how much you have spent and the extra presents will make them happy so what is the problem? The eldest at least will understand that you are not comfortably off, the six year old may also realise that your DNph is better off and the youngest won't notice at all. I'm sure that the older two will understand why you can't spend more.

Bluntness100 · 09/12/2017 22:44

I get your feelings but they are about you. I’m assuming he knows your financial situation and has elected to treat your kids at Xmas time. Don’t deprive them of it.

However I would not ask him to give the gifts anonymously from Santa. I think that’s a bit, I don’t know, using him And necky. I think I would just wind my neck in, go with the flow and suck up my feelings of guilt or embarrassment.

AlwaysPondering · 09/12/2017 22:50

Don't feel guilty. You all sound so lovely

IrritatedUser1960 · 09/12/2017 22:56

let them have the presents, why should you feel guilty? You all deserve a great Christmas with nice gifts. The bad times don't last forever. Make the most of the generosity.

Theimpossiblegirl · 10/12/2017 08:24

Schools are having their budgets cuts, but they should all be seats of how squeezed families are tight now and should be helping, not adding to it. Some teachers (I am a teacher so not bashing) still don't get what it is to really have no money. They think it's the same as bring a bit short til payday. Time to talk to the school. Many local churches also have funds for this type of thing, at least they do in rural areas. Wouldn't hurt to ask.

Theimpossiblegirl · 10/12/2017 08:25

Seats = aware

Inertia · 10/12/2017 14:39

Your children won't stand out for being in the pupil premium scheme- the school staff will have direct responsibilities for ensuring that PP children make appropriate progress, and that the funding is used in the right ways to support the child. If your older child receives FSM due to your income, then that school should be using PP funding to meet some of the educational costs .

Even though your younger child recieves free school meals via the national scheme, you should still register as qualifying for FSM in that school too. This would then open up pupil premium access for your children, so that the school can use this funding to support your children. (Schools have to account for how PP money is spent- it can't go into a general pot).

I believe that there is now an early years pupil premium system too, so you may find that actually you shouldn't be paying for your nursery child's food.

Please do talk to the headteacher at your children's school- there is no stigma attached, and headteachers are generally very keen to help ensure that qualifying families get this extra funding.

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