Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To feel a bit upset over this?

61 replies

FloweryRose · 09/12/2017 19:58

I have 3 DC, 2 DDs aged 10 and 6 and DS aged 2. I am ashamed to say all 3 have different dads and I have been on my own with them all. Only one of the dads is involved in anyway (DD2s) and none of them pay maintenance - DD1s dad has never been involved and I have no idea where he is, DD2s dad is "self employed" by his dad and hides his money so it looks like he earns nothing, and DS's dad is in prison so no chance I can get money out of any of them.

I work, but due to DS's age I can only work for the 15 hours a week he's in Nursery as I have no help with childcare. My siblings are all much older than me (between 25 and 20 years older) and have grandchildren they help with and both my parents are in their 70s so can't help me so I'm stuck with a minimum wage minimum hours job. TCs, CB, and HB covers my bills, food and rent but there's not much left. And by the time fuels come out to get and from work I'm left with a nominal amount.

I've managed to save £150 for Christmas, which means each child will get about £30 spent on them as I also need to cover costumes for the Nativity plays (£5 donation to school so £10), ticket costs for Nativity and oldests Carol Concert (tickets where £15 each), School Christmas Dinner for all three (£2.50 so £7.50) and I also have to pay for my sons meals at Nursery as he's too young for FSM (they're £50 a term but I pay at the end of every half term so £25).

I have a Nephew (DNph) who is the same age as me he's my oldest sisters oldest child, mum and DSis where pregnant at same time and he has a little girl (GNie) the same age as my DS. He's been quite successful, and has a good job, as does his wife. They both love my children and are happy to help with emergency childcare if I'm held up at work or one of them needs to go to hospital but can't offer anything more regular as they both work full time.

I saw DNph today at my parents and we got chatting about Christmas. He mentioned he'd be buying presents for all his cousins and they'll also all be getting a little something from GNie as well. He told me what he's getting each child, and they're going to love it. But I've worked out he's spent more per child than I have, around £50 each.

I am gutted and feel so guilty. And want to ask him to return some or all of the presents and just stick to the token gift his wife has got from GNie. My parents have already agreed to spend only £10 on each child as they don't want the children questioning why I didn't spend more, but I can't ask to borrow money as they have 5 children including me, and 12 grandchild and GNie their great grandchild to buy for.

WIBU to ask DNph to return some of his gifts? Or do I just need to suck it up?

OP posts:

Inertia · 09/12/2017 21:03

Firstly, you're doing a great job of parenting, please don't be so tough on yourself.

It sounds as though your nephew is trying to help your family have a good Christmas in the most discreet and dignified manner he can. If he's aware of your financial situation, and doesn't expect you to reciprocate, then I'd just let him make those choices.

Secondly, that's an awful lot of money to be paying out to the school. School budgets are incredibly stretched, but they should be doing what they can to avoid asking for large payments from struggling parents.

Are your children in receipt of pupil premium? The school receives additional funding for PP children, which can be used to significantly reduce the cost to parents of the educational 'extras'. Even if your 6yo gets free school meals as part of the national scheme, it's really worthwhile to put in a FSM claim for all of the children (if you are eligible for it) to trigger the pupil premium payments. It's a much bigger picture than just the meals, as the school can use the money towards extra equipment your children need (such as costumes, visits , extra-curricular activities etc). The head teacher at the school would be able to advise you confidentially about whether you qualify.

haarlandgoddard · 09/12/2017 21:03

YANBU to feel upset, but I don’t agree that others shouldn’t be able to spend more than you. How does that benefit your children? Your 10 year old is old enough to understand that you would spend more if you could.

DD’s grandparents probably spend about double what we do as they have a lot more than us. I’d never tell them to spend less.

Cindie943811A · 09/12/2017 21:03

I get great pleasure buying appropriate gifts for the youngsters in my life. I’m at a stage where I don’t need much or want much other than Lotto-sized stuff such as a nice car and a holiday, so I’m not bothered about receiving gifts. Your DNeph sounds lovely and is one of the comparatively rare males who actually buys gifts and doesn’t rely on his partner to do all the sourcing! He knows your situation and must realise you are doing your best. Your DC won’t be comparing who gave what and often it’s a smaller item that gives most pleasure. Enjoy Christmas with your DC and family. Your baby will soon to old enough to let you work longer hours and hopefully things will be easier in the future. Forgo the donation this year. If you are too embarrassed to mention it write a little note to the school.
Good luck

Liara · 09/12/2017 21:05

I don't think you need to 'suck it up', as I don't think there is anything wrong here.

You are doing what you can within your means. You have budgeted and saved and as a result have some money to cover end of year expenses and give gifts to your dc. This is good!

He has an easier situation. As a result, he has spare money that he chooses to spend on treating his loved ones. This is good too!

Be pleased that he's happy to do something that will make your dc happy, and that the fact that you are in a difficult situation does not mean that they have to do without as much as they would if they didn't have other loving relatives.

Theimpossiblegirl · 09/12/2017 21:06

Cecilia- not helpful, maybe you're new, we all understood perfectly.

OP, your DNph sounds lovely. I would accept the gifts or maybe ask him if it would be possible to make some from Santa? When my Dsis was having a bad year that's what I did.

And yes, do approach the school- their costs are seriously denting your budget and it isn't fair.

Tinselistacky · 09/12/2017 21:06

Lots of dc have the same dps who treat them like shit op. As long as you love your dc and they know that then you really know fact doing a bloody grand job!
My dc have multiple df and some don't see them and I get no cms at all. We are a big happy family and def have no regrets. You shouldn't have either.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your family.

Inertia · 09/12/2017 21:07

And just to add (sloppy editing, sorry!) that schools should be using PP funding to improve children's achievements in school- part of that will address extra-curricular support as explained above but it can also mean that your children get access to additional support in lessons if needed.

RandomMess · 09/12/2017 21:11

There is huge joy in giving gifts!!! Your DN probably is thrilled to be in a position to treat your DC.

deadringer · 09/12/2017 21:13

Christmas is all about giving, let your nephew have the pleasure of giving to your dc, and let your dc have the pleasure of receiving more than they expected. My pils always spent more than us when our dc were little, it was a huge relief for us when we were struggling tbh. Hope you all have a lovely Christmas.

rockcakesrock · 09/12/2017 21:14

What could you have done better? It seems to me that to raise three children single handed, work, provide a loving home for them is a huge achievement. Try to forget the mistakes in choosing the wrong men, concentrate instead of the things you should be proud of. Clearly your nephew has great admiration for you. Please don’t reject his kindness.

When we were on our uppers, when out children were small my MiL often acted as a life saver. She kitted the kids out every summer and bought them boots and coats in the winter. She did not have much but she got great pleasure out of helping us. Many many years later, when our situations were reversed we were able to help her.

Your turn will come in later years, I am sure, to help someone less fortunate.

RickOShay · 09/12/2017 21:14

I have 3 children with 2 dads. My eldest dc has never met her bio dad. She is 15. This has made me feel so guilty and has impacted my relationship with her.

Guilt over things which are out of your control is a complete waste of time. You sound lovely, be proud of yourself and hold your head high, you have nothing to be ashamed of.
Enjoy the presents, wishing you
a happy christmas

ChocolateDoll · 09/12/2017 21:17

Definitely do not ask him to take them back!

Let your children be treated

I understand your feelings about it not being you that’s treating them, but please don’t pass those feelings on to them. They will be oblivious to it.

Original poster

FloweryRose · 09/12/2017 21:19

My oldest is at a different school to the younger two due to the way the system works here. The 2 girls both get FSM, younger through the national scheme and the oldest due to my income, never been told about pupil premium. I wouldn't want to do anything to make my oldest stand out.

The nativity stuff is from younger 2, DS goes to the school Nursery. If I don't pay the children don't get a part in the Nativity and DD2 was so pleased to finally have a speaking part that I don't want to blow her chances by not paying.

I will ask DNph about making some of the presents Santa things, the younger two still believe, and I would happily do the same for his DD if the situation was reversed.

OP posts:

Jaxhog · 09/12/2017 21:19

Please don't return them. I'm sure he knows you have less to spend than he does. He spends what he can afford in the same way you spend what you can afford. Remember that giving presents brings pleasure too. Don't take that away from him.

outofmydepth45 · 09/12/2017 21:22

Another one here saying allows your DN to treat your children it's lovely.

I do think you should contact the CMS it's they can potentially find the absent father and even is self-employed he will have to register something with HMRC they can also look at lifestyle and judge earnings there. It can be worth the chase (terrible phrasing)

PoppyJ1 · 09/12/2017 21:23

Awww, OP, stop feeling bad. Don't be ashamed to say the kids have different dads. Ok, the dads all sound like deadbeats but you're doing a good job. Don't feel guilty about not "doing better for yourself" either; raising kids is hard and being a single mum is particularly hard. There is no point comparing yourself to others who aren't walking in your shoes raising three kids alone on low income. Women so often get screwed over in this situation; it's such a shame. Accept the gifts from your DN, stop beating yourself up and have a lovely Christmas with your kids xx

BewareOfDragons · 09/12/2017 21:25

Accept the gifts graciously for your children.

Tell the school you're struggling. Make a smaller, token donation.

Original poster

FloweryRose · 09/12/2017 21:26

DD2s dad is the one who's self employed, and I wouldn't want to rock the boat. He's the only one of the 3 dad who spends anytime with their child. It's only 2 hours a month but it's something and I wouldn't put it past him to walk away completely if i tried to get money out of him.

With the absent father I only know his name, we were at school together and DD1 was a teenage pregnancy.

OP posts:

centreyoursoul · 09/12/2017 21:27

OP please just allow your nephew to give the presents - he and his wife will be getting pleasure from it. And your children will surely enjoy the gifts.
You’re doing everything you can to provide for your children; when they’re adults themselves your DCs will see how hard you tried.
There is absolutely no need to feel guilty or shame. Truly.

Knittedfairies · 09/12/2017 21:28

If I don't pay the children don't get a part in the Nativity

What?!

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 09/12/2017 21:29

The costume thing makes me ANGRY! When I was at school, we had a selection of costumes which were used yearly! You know....ten basic angel dresses and wings....battered tinsel halos....standard Joseph outfit and so on.

A Mother had made them all in the years previously and they were kept. What is it you need to buy OP?

Original poster

FloweryRose · 09/12/2017 21:29

The money is to buy the costumes chosen by the school, which the children can then keep afterwards, but if you don't pay then the children are only allowed to be in audience for their class, and not in the actual play itself. They did the same when DD1 attended and several children missed out on parts due to not being able to pay.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 09/12/2017 21:32

If you get FSM for one DC due to income, school will be getting PP. they might spend it on other things to benefit DC but they’ll be getting it & can absorb some if the cost of the extras - it’s what it’s for! So don’t be ashamed or too proud to ask. It shouldn’t single your DC out in any way at all - it should just mean they pay for costumes/Christmas dinner etc.

oldmums · 09/12/2017 21:33

its Christmas, its great to give presents, i would just be happy your children have presents no matter what price. Tell the school you are not going to pay for costumes etc, that is taking cash out of the family budget which the children could do with xx

NoSquirrels · 09/12/2017 21:36

That school sounds terrible. It’s not on to discriminate on income. All DC should get a part and a basic costume. It’s up to school to figure out how to make that work. A compulsory monetary donation of £5 would have me raging, and I can afford to pay.

Do you know any parent governors, or could a class rep raise it as an issue?

Flip

1 2 3