Another Husband Work Issue

[Pancetta76]

There's no real AIBU but if your husband worked alone ten hour shifts with another woman, how much would you expect him to talk about her? And what kind of boundaries would you expect?

Her point is that you are mentally ascribing aspects of this woman's personality and intentions to her based on your insecurities about your husband working with a woman. Your problem with this is 100% based on your perception of women and your mistrust of your husband. It has nothing to do with the woman in question. You are making assumptions that she is attracted to your husband when she's just a work colleague, just because she's a woman.

I can't wait until we live in a society where women and men can be in close proximity and be friends without someone assuming that the woman either wants something from the man or that the man must fancy the woman if he enjoys her company.

Trust your instinct OP, don't let anyone make you out to be a silly little woman. Mumsnet is a la-la land where some women will tell you to shrug off behaviour they'd be paranoid about if it were their own DH, they just name change when their shit hits the fan.

I'm quite sure your DH wouldn't like it at all if you were laying next to him in bed talking about another man...I work with men, I'm not thinking about them much at all outside work much less talking about them when I'm lying in bed with my man, why would I? Not least that, I wouldn't assume he wants to hear

All the work wife/husband thing is so naff sounding and cringeworthy. People who can't just go to work without trying to link themselves with opposite sex in some way need more going on in their own lives and relationships. & to be given more work to do.

I think it's your DH being silly in this case. Likely flattered, or flattering himself that a younger woman looks up to or fancies him.

Tell him to stop the mentionitis please - then have a conversation about it, aim to be calm. Don't be blindsided by "she reminds me of you". So what if she does? You're a person in your own right, if you feel your DH may be disrespecting you then you've a right to be heard on this. Don't 2nd guess your instinct, go with it. Good luck

Baxenden - I've literally said nothing of the sort. What a weird thing to read into it 'ascribing that this woman fancies your husband '. Feel free to reread every post on this thread, I guarantee you won't find it anywhere

Bayseyan sorry

LipstickHandbagCoffee i have a workhusband. maybe you have a word with yourself about your assumptions? We are all happily married with children, and yes - they come over to my house and vice versa for meals. No - i do not want to sleep with him/nor him with me and we get on very well.

OP - im sure its nothing but if its playing on your mind, mabe you could have word with your husband to let him know how you feel/

I've had a rather weird development this afternoon. I had coffee with the woman. Sort of annoyingly, she is every bit as lovely as my husband says.

I was in town and tapped on the arm being asked 'aren't you X's wife?' in a coffee shop and she just started talking and joined me. She's beautiful, very intelligent and really appreciates my husband's help. She knew all about me, our children and details (some, like in law issues I'd rather her not know) of our life. The only thing I didn't like was her saying they talk non stop and he doesn't with me anymore

When your dh comes home today, you should mention very neutrally without giving any details that you met up with his colleague for coffee today. Busy yourself and not say any more. Gauge his reaction.

It can be really hard to see things clearly when you feel so insecure/jealous, and don't know what to do. I don't know that there's anything you can do. They work together, this is their job. Perhaps let your husband know he has a case of mentionitis and while you're sure she's lovely, it's not quite as riveting hearing all about her second hand as it is for him experiencing it first hand. I think your best best as long as he's behaving appropriately is to play it cool, try not to come off as insecure, and keep your eyes and ears open. While it's important to be honest with him about your feelings, unless he actually does anything wrong (for example meeting her in secret, meeting her after hours, texting all weekend) you've just gotta work on your own insecurity. If he wants to cheat, with her or anyone, he will. And no amount of worrying on your behalf will stop him.

For what it's worth, men and women can meet at work and become good friends. My general 'rule' about this is to involve partners quickly, so it becomes more of a foursome and is clear to everyone it's purely platonic. I met a guy through a voluntary job a decade ago and we hit it off despite me being a nineteen year old woman and him a 40 year old married man with a child. Just similar wavelengths, the job is very emotionally intense so you support one another a lot, and we coincidentally went through losing a parent at the same time.

His wife was and is super cool and treated me as a friend of the family, there's never been a sniff of anything but pure friendship the entire time and ten years later we have one of the most important friendships in my life, I'm essentially part of his family as an honorary auntie to his son and I'm doing everything I can to take the load off his wife as he is now terminally ill. I know she's glad of the support and not dealing with it alone.

Try keep an open mind, listen to your gut but remember it's not always accurate. I know sometimes jealousy can convince me something is inappropriate that my head knows really isn't. It's a powerful emotion.

I really don't think he'd ever cheat on us, I don't know if its even jealousy or just jealousy of the time they spend together. After meeting her, i think even I'm a bit attracted to her lol. I'm joking of course, but she really was lovely to me and told me unprompted how much my husband loves me. All of this is a positive sign right?

She sounds over familiar tbh. Talking about in laws, how much your dh talks to her non stop and telling you how much her dh loves you ... all this on your first chance meeting?

She is seemingly oblivious to how it is coming across to you. Is she really lovely or is she trying to plant seeds of doubt? Again, you should trust your gut - I could just be paranoid.

your dh

I think it’s a bit weird she is telling you your husband loves you actually. All a bit odd.

I've put that across wrong. She was lively, talkative and pleasant. It wasn't a random 'he loves you...not me', it was a genuine 'you can see how much he loves you/children whenever he talks about you' statement as part of a conversation

This thread is very familiar.

GreatDuckGoose, can you please not. If you don't want to read my thread, don't but don't suggest I'm a troll or lying or whatever. It causes unnecessary upset to innocent posters when someone just smug about being 'right'

I’m not being smug about anything. Just saying this thread is very familiar. Which is true.

Thanks for that helpful contribution

Brandnew

lynmilne65??

Well...an update I never expected to type. I bumped into the woman again this morning, only this time it wasn't an accident.

She came to see me and was hoping to bump into me. She wanted to talk about my husband and his...interest in her. She said he's been showing too much interest in her to a point where she feels uncomfortable. He's tried to match make her and another colleague that this woman liked and after speaking to the man in question, has found out that he actually warned the man off her.

She said she was very confused, disturbed and wanted to warn me before she goes to hr. I'm reeling and don't know what to think

Ah cringe, the lecherous older man in the workplace misinterpreting the younger friendly colleague networking for her career for a swooning smitten potential mistress. Jesus fucking Christ.

Confused as to why she approached you first, when it gives your husband a heads up to plan what he'll say to work/get in there first. Perhaps she just really doesn't want her reputation tarnished by any insinuation that she encouraged it.

So that was today. Ok assuming you've seen him since, what happened?

I hadn't until an hour ago as he was visiting his mother. You are correct with her reason why she came to me - she said I seemed like a nice woman and she wanted to let me know she didn't encourage anything.

I'm still reeling. She told me after speaking to the other man and finding out my husbands lie she's alarmed to work alone with him and is going to try and change her hours but will be going to hr today. She showed me messages from the other man telling her what my husband had said to him

I had no idea how to start the conversation with him, so I asked him how his day was and he said fine. He had a couple of planned meetings so not hr so maybe they haven't done anything yet. I feel sick

What the hell has he been doing that it's prompted her to go to HR? 😮 I mean here's being friendly but for her to feel so uncomfortable she wants to change her hours it cannot be good at all!

What had he said to the other man too? That's just bizarre that he would warn him off her!

The messages she showed me were initially the other man backing off as he didn't want any drama, her saying she didn't understand and things were going well and him saying that my husband told him to stay away from her. I didn't even know what to say, just sat there in horror

She said he asks a lot of personal questions, makes observations about her/her personality which has began to make her uncomfortable but she said she's now quite frightened as my husband had told her he'd only talked her up to this man...I don't think either of us understand

You need to talk to him.