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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another Husband Work Issue

102 replies

Pancetta76 · 09/12/2017 19:46

There's no real AIBU but if your husband worked alone ten hour shifts with another woman, how much would you expect him to talk about her? And what kind of boundaries would you expect?

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Original poster
Pancetta76 · 10/12/2017 12:03

Yes that's definitely a big part of it. He doesn't generally make friends he doesn't already have so the fact he's referred to her as that so quickly is jarring to the norm.

He's not the type to offer to make a cup of tea for others at work but for her he does without asking. It's little things like that. I'm not for a second suggesting he'd ever do anything but there isn't a chance he doesn't find her attractive and she seems fairly similar in personality as well as an interest in a particular sport that he announced I've never met any girl who genuinely likes this!' and seemed really happy about it

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Original poster
Pancetta76 · 10/12/2017 12:30

And for the poster that asked how long this will go on, this is how it'll be from now on

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blueshoes · 10/12/2017 13:03

He may have a crush. She may not be remotely interested. My boss crushed on me and I did not have a clue for 7 years because I was after a young fit boyfriend instead. He offered to advance my career when he finally came out. Is this the glass ceiling in reverse? Work relationships can be complicated because people are complicated.

As for my statement "I would not like it at all if my dh worked such long shifts with a young attractive female colleague that he talks about", not everyone goes out to have an affair but it happens when curiosity and opportunity collide.

Opportunity because they are now thrown together indefinitely. Curiosity because he is clearly talking about her. Is he the clueless sort who does not even realise he is developing a thing for her?

OP, it may be nothing but if I were you, I'd keep an eye on it.

Rawhh · 10/12/2017 14:26

You should definitely be worried. Our Senior management team consists of me and 2 blokes. Every meeting descends in to them Eifel Towering me.

If you don't trust your DO not to shag around then perhaps you shouldn't be with him

Original poster
Pancetta76 · 10/12/2017 16:21

Rawh if you read what I've wrote you'll see that's not what I think at all

When asked he said he couldn't help that he got on but was a bit embarrassed that other colleagues had commented on him being happier etc but he loves me very much

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DaintySong · 10/12/2017 16:29

I wouldn't like it either. It's not about sleeping together I'd be worried about him falling in love. No need to plan anything, feelings often develop just from spending lots of time together, talking lots and starting to think about them more and more. Huge amount of relationships start at work. Don't know what to suggest though, not like you can stop them working together.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 10/12/2017 16:32

Why should they be stopped working together?a suspicious wife can’t derail two careers

Original poster
Pancetta76 · 10/12/2017 16:57

I don't think I'm expressing myself well if people think I'm worried about sleeping together, it's more what Dainty said if anything.

I asked what kind of thing they talk about and he said anything and everything due to the duration... He said he'd been advising her relationship wise, that she's a huge animal lover (he's not). Quite general stuff but then threw in that he asked her if she'd ever marry someone who didn't love animals. It seemed a weird thing to tell me as a specific that I asked for but he didn't seem to think so

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SeaCabbage · 10/12/2017 17:16

It's one thing working closely with a woman but as you have quite reasonably said, he is talking about her a lot, thinking about her a lot, and to be honest from what you have said I think it sounds like he has a crush on her.

Knowing nothing about the woman we can't tell wehether this is likely to be reciprocated or not. OP I would keep talking to your husband about this. Next thing will be that she has some sort of problem and he feels sorry for her and she is using him as a shoulder to cry on ...................

Sorry to be pessimistic but from what you said I think it sounds worrrying. though not inevitable if you keep the communication channels open.

Original poster
Pancetta76 · 10/12/2017 17:23

That's sort of already happened...she had a personal problem and he put himself in an uncomfortable position to fix it for her. He said she's his friend and he felt sorry for her so wanted to help. It was nothing off the scale but doing anything after 6 weeks seems out of the norm

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Original poster
Pancetta76 · 10/12/2017 17:23

There was no shoulder crying though, she just thanked him

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Notevilstepmother · 10/12/2017 17:56

I’ve had a number of work husbands over the years.

I’ve not slept with any of them though. Nor did I do their filing or typing etc.

It’s just an expression.

Original poster
Pancetta76 · 10/12/2017 19:14

I also know the term workwife would never cross my husbands lips

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LipstickHandbagCoffee · 10/12/2017 19:36

Clearly it’s provoked some misgivings, you can tactfully raise with him
Don’t go all guns tootin, are you and her at it. Do comment on closeness in short Time
Something like is x a good colleague, you seem to work well in a short time

Original poster
Pancetta76 · 10/12/2017 19:40

Read my post above, I've already brought it up with him and his subsequent response (as tone isn't put across in text, I don't mean that in a snippy way at all!)

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LipstickHandbagCoffee · 10/12/2017 19:48

Ah,thanks I see you’ve responded You know him,he’s your partner, I appreciate it feels uncomfortable
Probably just listen,watch see how it develop
Don’t let this eat yiu up though. Easy said I know...

bayseyan · 10/12/2017 19:51

Thing is though, if you continue to be unhappy about him having a female colleague, what exactly to you expect him to do? You can't expect him to quit his job, and he certainly can't ask not to work with her any more because his wife isn't happy about it. The only thing he could do would be to stop being friends with her.

This situation bothers me because I work closely with men who all have wives, and I am the only woman. I have absolutely no desire to have an affair with any of these men but we are friends. We have lunch, drinks, dinners together. We chat about personal things and help each other out outside of work sometimes. We travel together for work. If their wives decided they weren't happy about them being close with another woman, and they then stopped being friendly with me, I would be pushed out of the social aspects of everything and have no friends at work, would miss out on trips that involve just me and one of the men.

Just because I am a woman.

Does that sound right to you? Because it certainly does not to me. Women aren't going to be able to achieve equality if other even women class them as different from men at work. Excessively worrying about your husband's colleague just because she's a woman and putting pressure on him to discuss his working relationship in the context of suspicion and jealousy is a product of inequality. We shouldn't be judging other women simply for having jobs that involve working closely with men.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 10/12/2017 19:58

As I said,I work with men.theyre all married/LTR.we work closely and under pressure
I’m uncomfortable with notion men & women can’t cowork,or woman should be moved
I’m good at my job,I don’t have a notion for any of the men,it’s preposterous to suggest women are a threat
How will we and our daughters progress if there’s a notion of impropriety an out male & females coworkers

My beef with work wife, is exactly that it plays on a notion of intimacy at work, work wife not work colleague

Disregarding professionalismof job. Reducing good working relationship and getting in to something on par with a wife. It’s misogynistic

Original poster
Pancetta76 · 10/12/2017 20:32

My issue isn't that it is A woman, the majority of people he works with overall are women. He doesn't like them and only complains about them. He likes this one seemingly a lot...enough to put himself out for her and it just feels weird

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LipstickHandbagCoffee · 10/12/2017 20:36

Not gender?So if he were close to a male colleague after 6wk you’d feel the same?

Original poster
Pancetta76 · 10/12/2017 20:42

No, not gender. It's the specific person that's deigned this reaction in him

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LipstickHandbagCoffee · 10/12/2017 20:47

Why’s she the centre of the action,what’s his responsibility in how he responded
Bluntly, this woman has no obligation or history with you. He’s your dh
She doesn’t need to do anything. Your beef is with your own husband and your suspicions about his rapport/behaviour to her

Original poster
Pancetta76 · 10/12/2017 20:49

I don't really know what you mean. I've not said anything negative about her or anything contrary to what you've just said. You asked if it's about gender, I responded no its not about women in general it's about this woman specifically re the difference in my husband

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LipstickHandbagCoffee · 10/12/2017 20:56

I mean,she should not be the focus.She doesn’t know you or have history with you
She doesn’t have to account for herself,or his responses to her.i know you're not asking her to btw
you have misgivings,that’s between you and your dh

Original poster
Pancetta76 · 10/12/2017 20:57

If you know I'm not asking her to, I'm not really sure of your point but ok lol thanks

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