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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another Husband Work Issue

102 replies

Pancetta76 · 09/12/2017 19:46

There's no real AIBU but if your husband worked alone ten hour shifts with another woman, how much would you expect him to talk about her? And what kind of boundaries would you expect?

OP posts:

RoseWhiteTips · 09/12/2017 21:15

You no?

Liara · 09/12/2017 21:17

I worked in this situation with my former boss. I also travelled with him around 50% of the year, so was spending all the time with him and not dh.

Not surprisingly, I talked about him a lot when I was with dh, as talking about what I had been doing all day inevitably involved him.

Over a decade since we stopped working together, he remains a good friend. Dh and I meet up with him and his wife, and I meet him by myself when the others can't make it. Dh and I moved abroad so this isn't that often, but it is every time we go back or they are travelling around here.

Some of my best friendships are with men (and women) that I have worked long hours with.

Original poster

Pancetta76 · 09/12/2017 21:23

I don't know with the pining the issue down. I think it's just because it's different. In ten years of marriage this has never happened before and no, it doesn't help she's very pretty and apparently lovely

OP posts:

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/12/2017 21:26

So let’s be clear,her attractiveness and grooming doesn’t make her a loose woman
She’s not actually answerable to you, your dp is answerable to you seeing you’re an item
So I’d say less thinking about her as the threat,and realistically appraise him.his behaviour

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 09/12/2017 21:34

Workwife the female who serves has needs in a faux wifey man cause we all so connected
OTOH I refer to my DH's colleague as his 'work wife' because she tells him to stop moaning and get a grip when needed... pretty much as I do

Original poster

Pancetta76 · 09/12/2017 21:35

I'm not ascertaining anything to her other than being as he describes, lovely. It's the fact my husband dislikes everyone in the team and fought against having a partner and now this new woman turns up and he wont shut up about her (nothing odd but it seems he is spending time thinking about her when 40 hours a week seems plenty)

OP posts:

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/12/2017 21:37

Oh well then,that makes it okay.for a colleague to be referred to as his wife.workwife even

PippleBang · 09/12/2017 22:07

No one has a workhusband

I have a workhusband and a work "bit on the side". My DH has a workwife. We spend an awful lot of our time at our jobs, it's bloody important to enjoy ourselves when we are there. There are boundaries and we trust each other.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/12/2017 22:09

You have colleagues whom you’re over familiarising with inappropriate terms
That is all

PippleBang · 09/12/2017 22:10

Lipstick just because you think it's inappropriate doesn't make it so.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/12/2017 22:13

And,accordingly because you think it appropriate doesn’t make it so

PippleBang · 09/12/2017 22:15

And,accordingly because you think it appropriate doesn’t make it so

No but if me, my DH, and our colleagues - who are the only people involved - all think it's not inappropriate, then THAT makes it so 😂

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/12/2017 22:17

Yea call each other workwife,workhusband,workbitch.whatever inappropriate term fits

PippleBang · 09/12/2017 22:21

Ok Lipstick you win clearly only you know what's appropriate or not, and other adults are not capable of making appropriate decisions for themselves.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/12/2017 22:24

Call your colleague whatever you wjsh,you clearly do. It’s still batshit

AnonEvent · 09/12/2017 22:28

I can absolutely see why you're worried, it'd rattle me too.

But if it's any consolation, I own a business with a man, we have worked together for eight years, nine hours a day, sitting next to each other. We work together very closely. We always get the same office-bugs, so even have the same sick days. I've seen more of him than anyone else in my adult life (probably including DH, who I've only known for 6 years).

And there is literally nothing untoward, I'm rather fond of him, and it's surprising that we get on so well and I still enjoy his company after so long (and some very stressful times), I care about him lots, but I don't fancy him at all.

blueshoes · 09/12/2017 22:50

Trust your gut. You know your dh better than any of us.

I would not like it at all if my dh worked such long shifts with a young attractive female colleague that he talks about. How did this shift work come about and how long more will this last?

Domani · 10/12/2017 00:57

What's your gut feeling, OP? Do you think he would be tempted if she made herself available. I could be wrong, but I feel there are a few little red flags: he says she's lovely, he talks about her quite a lot at home, his mates say he's never been so lively, he talks about her as he is going to sleep. I'd definitely be a bit watchful, I think.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 10/12/2017 01:17

Go with your gut and just talk to your DH about it OP. There is no right or wrong. I’ve been close and friendly with a male colleague I worked with in a similar situation and we still are very good friends, but both our partners know there’s absolutely nothing other than a deep platonic friendship. I’ve supported him when he went through a wobble with her (they eventually got back together and got engaged, started a family etc).

By the same coin sudden “mentionitis” is often a sign of a sudden crush. I’d be a bit wary.

None of this is to say all attractive women are predators or anything. But you know your DH well and if your instinct is telling you something is off it’s worth chatting with him about it. Our experiences here are likely to be too varied to help. Some will have much closer platonic relationships, some will have seen much smaller work friendships morph into affairs.

smeerf · 10/12/2017 06:27

Came here to say what Zaphod said. Nothing out of order has happened yet, but i'd keep an eye on the mentionitis as it tends to be an indicator of attraction.

Armadillostoes · 10/12/2017 07:38

In relation to the turn around about having a partner, that in itself isn't worrying. I was horrified when I realised that my new workplace expected email to share an office. I know that sounds bad on my part, but it is very unusual in my field for practical reasons, so I haven't had to cope with this previously. Anyway, I really clicked with my office mate and miss chatting to him if he is working away for a few days together. It is useful to bounce ideas/vent about problems professionally.

There is zero romantic spark between me and office mate. But it has been a work situation which has turned out well and we're good friends.

Ecclesiastes · 10/12/2017 08:08

I would not like it at all if my dh worked such long shifts with a young attractive female colleague that he talks about

And they wonder why the glass ceiling persists...

Coldilox · 10/12/2017 08:17

No one has a workhusband

I do. We work well together, we gel, we are great friends and have a lot of respect for each other.

Original poster

Pancetta76 · 10/12/2017 11:40

Thanks for your replies guys. I did speak to my husband last night when he brought her up again. I know he loves me etc and he told me he shows her videos of our children etc so it's not like we aren't mentioned! I think it's because he's quite antisocial in general and there are very few people he genuinely likes so this has thrown me. They had their Christmas party Saturday and he said they left at the same time as it was awful and he'd have rather gone out just him, her and colleague x. He's known colleague x a year so that seems reasonable but she's included in the actual friend category after 6 weeks...I think it's just because it's different I'm noticing rather than I'm frightened...

OP posts:

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 10/12/2017 11:57

Maybe they just get each other?that initiself isn’t an issue
Men and women can be colleagues without anything untoward going on
Is it that it’s unusual for him to get along with someone quickly?is that what you’re noticing

I despair when I read comments like I would not like it at all if my dh worked such long shifts with a young attractive female colleague uh okay, so that’s based in two premises 1. Either men can’t resist young attractive female and 2 attractive young women are predatory and will pursue other women partner

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