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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why Dad's get praised where Mum's get criticised?

58 replies

ethelfleda · 09/12/2017 16:42

DH is a very 'hands on' Dad with our 6 week old... when he isnt at work he changes the majority of nappies, takes DS to be burped when he finishes BFeeding, does lots of sensory stuff with him etc etc which is great and he receives nothing but praise for it (well deserved) people tell me I am lucky and how rare it is. Friends, family, health visitors, midwives etc etc even complete strangers.... but then when it comes to me the comments are usually more critical. I even got critized for wanting to eat the last couple of mouthfuls of my lunch before feeding him (he had just started to show signs of hunger - was hardly screaming his head off)
A complete stranger told me the other day that I shouldn't take him out without a hat on - even though he was in a sling and very wrapped up and sharing my body heat etc etc (it was a mild day and I was mostly indoors)
My sister commented on leaving him too long in a dirty nappy (he had literally just dirtied it but was hungry so wanted to feed him first to placate him) he was only in it for 20 mins max.
Does anyone else find this??

OP posts:

villainousbroodmare · 09/12/2017 16:45

One dad. Two dads. One mum. Two mums.

But yes, a bit.

Anatidae · 09/12/2017 16:46

Oh it’s not just you. Imagine a women being praised because she helps out with nappies.

Dh has been fawned over at work for this (to which he amusingly blanks ‘well it’s my child...’) if he leaves to look after ds when sick he’s a modern man and I’m SO LUCKY. If I leave to look after ds when he’s unwell I’m uncommitted etc.

Massive double standard.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/12/2017 16:46

Because we live in an inherently sexist and misogynistic society. HTH

Anatidae · 09/12/2017 16:48

Btw I’ve bred with a functional adult male who doesn’t see childcare as ‘helping out’ - so that’s a plus.

You can use that as a response next time ;)

NameChange30 · 09/12/2017 16:51

YABU to wonder why, because it’s obvious why. Sexism. This is the patriarchy that some people claim to be nothing but a figment of feminists’ imagination. It affects us all.

WorraLiberty · 09/12/2017 16:53

YANBU about the unnecessary praise a lot of dads get.

YABU to think they aren't criticised though. All the "Pop a hat on him/pop a blanket on him" unwanted advice is widely available to men too.

Interestingly, my DH was never given unwanted advice by other men.

He used to dread taking the bus into town with the kids, because everyone was an expert.

AuntieStella · 09/12/2017 16:53

Yes, I think it is a reflection of how entrenched some stereotypes are, and how difficult it is to shift them even slightly.

Yes, your DH is being a great dad, and yes that's praiseworthy - of course it is. But it's not exceptional - or at least it shouldn't be.

I think what is more wrong here is not that someone gets nice things said to/about them when they are doing good stuff, but that people feel free to criticise you for what they see as suboptimal on the basis of something fleeting.

DoItAgainBob · 09/12/2017 16:56

Welcome to motherhood. Having DC's turned me into a raging feminist.

The double standards and judgements will just keep on coming, as will the unwanted advise! Congrats btw

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/12/2017 16:57

We live in a patriarchy. Every shred of cultural and behavioural info we get, from birth, supports the toxic idea that men are superior.

It’s just a reflection of that. Unfortunately.

Celebrate and support other women, other mothers, raise your voice against sexism when you can.

user1488794856 · 09/12/2017 16:57

My dh is just like yours, very hands on and I adore him for it, and I can completely relate. When dh takes DD out, even just for an hour, he is met with "aren't you doing well", "look at your lovely daddy" etc...when I go out, I may as well be invisible or at it's worst, a complete nuisance.
What I find the worst is when mil will go on and on and on about how amazing he is, how much did adores him etc...and I am just treated like the womb who has no input in her upbringing even though I am the primary caregiver 😠😠😠
BUT i have to finish of by saying again the dh really is amazing, and I love him very much, it's just a shame that society overlooks mum's so much when a tiny bit of praise some days would literally make my day week month.

MrsJayy · 09/12/2017 16:59

Men don't say this to other men it is mainly women ^anyway Yanbu about any of it however people will comment on hats whoever has baby folk are hat obsessed oh and tell your sister to mind her own

SaturnUranus · 09/12/2017 17:01

Even the use of the phrase "hands-on dad" says a lot.

When was the last time anyone ever said "She's a real hands-on mum"?

RemainOptimistic · 09/12/2017 17:02

Buckle down, it's a long ride til they're 18 OP.

Welcome to motherhood, all those sexist shitty attitudes you've heard about and thought had died out are alive and well. I feel ashamed of gung ho 20 something me who was arrogant enough to think this shit didn't happen anymore.

DS was ill. I took a day off work and then DH took a day off work to care for him. 2 parents, 1 day off each. The look on people's faces the next day in work when they asked me is DS better? Oh he's having a daddy day I said. Blank, shocked, nonplussed, awkward silence all round. It's 2017 fgs.

Strangers you can safely ignore, but your sister I'd say push back ASAP. She can get to fuck criticising your parenting. If you ask her advice, she's allowed to give it. Otherwise she can bog right off. I'd tell her that in no uncertain terms right now. Nip it in the bud or the dynamic will stick and ruin the relationship.

lilly0 · 09/12/2017 17:03

We are women we are supposed to do the cleaning shit and burping , feeding perfectly if a man helps us out we are so lucky as helping with kids is beneath men and they could be doing much more important things, like working hard , going to the pub and watching the football.

gunsandbanjos · 09/12/2017 17:03

There’s a saying that goes something like...
It takes very little to be considered a good dad and very little to be considered a bad mum. You get the jist.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 09/12/2017 17:06

Welcome to motherhood. Having DC's turned me into a raging feminist

Same here

deplorabelle · 09/12/2017 17:07

On Christmas Eve I had a stranger in the supermarket queue come up to me and say "Oo isn't he good? So patient in this big long queue!" If she'd been talking about a four year old I would have agreed with her but he was my 28 year old able bodied HUSBAND who had heroically come along with me to get food for Christmas dinner without having a tantrum

MrsJayy · 09/12/2017 17:08

20odd years ago I was in hospital for 4 weeks dh looked after toddler Dd with the help of relations baby sitting during his working hours. He almost got a round if applause everytime he dressed her in clothes that "went" from my mum and I see it hasn't changed. Oh and i agree stop saying hands on dad it is buying into the same notion that fathers are special.

AtomHeart · 09/12/2017 17:09

The truth of the matter is that society places very little expectation upon men as fathers. It is socially acceptable for men to leave their children and see them infrequently for a start.

Original poster

ethelfleda · 09/12/2017 17:11

villainous the annoying this is that I would usually be annoyed about misuse of apostrophes myself... I will be blaming sleep deprivation for that one

OP posts:

Original poster

ethelfleda · 09/12/2017 17:14

Noted about the use of the phrase 'hands on'
It's obviously ingrained in me as well - sad times. I've always considered myself a feminist - ever since I started working at my company ten years ago at the tender age of 23 (back when I thought sexism didn't exist any more) and was introduced to a bunch of misogynistic wankers.
Never thought my own family were that say though!
Time to grow a back bone and bite back!

OP posts:

Blackteadrinker77 · 09/12/2017 17:14

Annoying isn't it?

The one I really hate is if the Mum goes out the Dad is "Baby sitting". Baby sitting who?, it is HIS child.

DrSeuss · 09/12/2017 17:15

Have you been hanging out with my MIL and her sister? I was always a feminist, parent hood just made me more so!

MrsJayy · 09/12/2017 17:17

It is ingrained people say these things without thinking.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/12/2017 17:21

Op you’re praising your op for being hands on,as if he’s doing yiu a favour
He’s not being hands on.hes doing what he should as a parent.no plaudits reqd
FWIW yes my dp got praised when he did stuff.that praise was always from other women
As if I should be chuffed and or grateful he changed a nappy...I wasn’t

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