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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why Dad's get praised where Mum's get criticised?

58 replies

ethelfleda · 09/12/2017 16:42

DH is a very 'hands on' Dad with our 6 week old... when he isnt at work he changes the majority of nappies, takes DS to be burped when he finishes BFeeding, does lots of sensory stuff with him etc etc which is great and he receives nothing but praise for it (well deserved) people tell me I am lucky and how rare it is. Friends, family, health visitors, midwives etc etc even complete strangers.... but then when it comes to me the comments are usually more critical. I even got critized for wanting to eat the last couple of mouthfuls of my lunch before feeding him (he had just started to show signs of hunger - was hardly screaming his head off)
A complete stranger told me the other day that I shouldn't take him out without a hat on - even though he was in a sling and very wrapped up and sharing my body heat etc etc (it was a mild day and I was mostly indoors)
My sister commented on leaving him too long in a dirty nappy (he had literally just dirtied it but was hungry so wanted to feed him first to placate him) he was only in it for 20 mins max.
Does anyone else find this??

OP posts:

NapQueen · 09/12/2017 17:27

People tell me how lucky i am that dh is so hands on. He does 50%.

That should be the norm

BrizzleDrizzle · 09/12/2017 17:27

This society expects that women will do it all, especially mothers. You should have been a fly on the wall in my house when I expected my teenage DD to help with the washing up and she was moaning about it, she actually told me "You should do it, it's what mother's do"

It was an interesting evening. She never said it again.

diddl · 09/12/2017 17:33

"he was only in it for 20 mins max. "

You don't mean that he was in a dirty nappy for 20mins, do you?

I think that you know some not very nice people!

My dad changed nappies, fed/winded us when he was home to give my mum a break & to spend time with us when he had the chance!

I don't think that he was unusual for the time-late 50s/early 60s.

KatharinaRosalie · 09/12/2017 17:39

Go check out Man Who Has It All on Twitter. Some expectations sound totally bonkers where there genders are reversed.

I've never been praised for being a 'hands-on mum'. DH has never been asked how he, a working father, balances it all..

StarWarsFanatic · 09/12/2017 17:42

I don't understand it when people use the phrase "babysitting" when a Dad takes care of his child. It's his child FFS. (Sorry off topic).

But yeah, it is basically down to the fact that people are impressed with males caring for their young because they have outdated ideas about parental responsibility. I think this is part of the reason for the perceived lack of criticism as well. Although I have seen people generally interfering GMs have a go at Dads for not soothing/feeding/burping/etc. their own children right her way

bakingaddict · 09/12/2017 17:42

I think lots of older women, those in their 60's and 70's are very critical of new mums. I remember their unsolicted advice when mine were babies. I assume that the majority of men in those days rarely helped with child raising. I also think women are much more critical of other women and mothers due to the unconscious way women seek to define themselves.

Sometimes I'm astounded on threads when SAHM's are told it's their responsibility to have the house clean, laundry done, food for their man coming home as well as looking after babies and doing night feeds and shouldn't really expect a regular lie-in because the heroic man is the one bringing home the money and can't possibly be expected to not have a full nights sleep

BluePlasticBuddha · 09/12/2017 17:43

yep to all of this.

When my eldest was born and after I returned to work DH was unemployed and looking for work and i had a job that took me to London for 3 nights every 2 months or so.

People would say; 'Oh aren't you lucky your DH is such a support to you?'

What- by looking after his own child?

When I had 2 children, DH got a job abroad that saw him away from home for 9 months, returning home to us for a single weekend once a month or so.

No-one said a bloody thing to me about being such a support to him. I was battling serious illness, full time work and 2 children, and because my parents migrated to New Zealand I had literally no family support around me. I was expected to get on with it. I recall once saying something to someone about how tough I found it and was meant with the response;'Well, no-body asked you to have 2, you know'.

Timeforanamochango · 09/12/2017 17:45

I agree completely and I experienced the same however all the shouts of ‘that’s sexism for ya’ I have to say, it was Always without exception, woman making the comments. I’ve never been judged on my parenting by another man and DP was never praised by other men.

DP just used to say ‘I’m not babysitting I’m her dad’ whenever people commented because he knew it drove me crazy!

VioletDaze · 09/12/2017 17:48

A vague acquaintance of mine (a woman, depressingly enough) once made a joke about my dragging DH in to babysit every time I fancied a night off.

It's his daughter!

KatharinaRosalie · 09/12/2017 17:52

I work in a very male dominated industry. At off-site meetings men would always ask who is taking care of my children.

well same person as in your case, their other parent
oh. Aren't you worried, leaving them home alone like that
No, are you?

BluePlasticBuddha · 09/12/2017 17:57

DH is alittle bit older than me and we had children 'late' anyway, so most of his friends already had late teenage children. The amount of men who seemed to consider it a badge of pride that they never changed a single nappy.....

gamerwidow · 09/12/2017 17:58

Well obviously if a Dad does any parenting it’s a feat of super human ability whereas if a Mum does any it’s what she should be doing and why isn’t she doing xyz as well!!

villainousbroodmare · 09/12/2017 18:01

You know what, Ethelfleda? Sorry. I don't know why I typed that. I know you know.

BewareOfDragons · 09/12/2017 18:05

"He's not helping out. He's doing his share. He's just as lucky to have me as I am him."

CR7987 · 09/12/2017 18:05

I think a lot of women in their 60's and 70's got absolutely zero help so can be more patronising and critical. My dad didn't do anything until we were much older and even then it was a token gesture. Never changed a nappy in his life and didn't with my child either. It was very a much a mans world in the 70's and before this and whilst it's not as bad now, old habits and behaviours die hard for a lot of older couples.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 09/12/2017 18:15

I think it's partly that men don't get criticised if they are hands off parents so a lot of people feel like they need to balance it up by heaping praise on those who do. It should be the standard that fathers who do fuck all are slated and those who do are just accepted as the norm.

I do think it's changing. My husband works in an almost entirely male and very macho industry. One of his colleagues boasted a few weeks ago that having baby twins doesn't affect him at all because he won't change nappies or feed them and sleeps in a different room. He said he doesn't help out with the older kids either or the cooking and cleaning because it's her job. All this guys colleagues quite roundly told him he was a cunt and they felt sorry for his wife and that his kids were going to grow up hating him.

doleritedinosaur · 09/12/2017 18:30

I hate this so much too.

My OH gets called hands on, isn’t he brilliant to do so much but it’s him building a relationship with both of his children.

I corrected someone who said he was babysitting the other day.

I love that he wants to do parenting 50/50 & it means both DC go to him & can mostly be settled by him. Most mum’s I know say their DC can’t be settled by their OH’s especially when younger as they don’t get involved.

I am lucky the hours OH does means he can do groups & things with us. Does means the old ladies at one group make him sit down & bring him coffee & biscuits though.

Original poster

ethelfleda · 09/12/2017 18:33

No worries villainous

It really is quite depressing. Especially being a new mum who has zero confidence. You try your best and get criticised so it's easy to doubt yourself. Its almost feels like DH is 'winning' at parenting where I am failing.

One thing is for certain, I will try my best to make sure DS doesn't grown up with such a sexist attitude.

OP posts:

Megs4x3 · 09/12/2017 18:38

As a species we are in the process of evolution. Like it or not, centuries ago, child care was very much the province of women, and no-one complained. Gender roles were very clearly defined. These days, not so much so and it's going to take a while for some people to catch up. Unfortunately, not in my lifetime and probably not yours. Evolution is an exasperatingly slow process.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/12/2017 18:45

Op,you really must lose the zero confidence vibe,it’s a fucking jungle out there
Your every parenting choice,behaviour will be scrutinised by every one
Do practice your serene oh really face,whilst internally thinking fuck off

NameChange30 · 09/12/2017 18:50

Time
“however all the shouts of ‘that’s sexism for ya’ I have to say, it was Always without exception, woman making the comments.”

Women can be sexist too. Lots of women have absorbed sexist attitudes. I would argue that it’s probably because of the criticism and pressure placed on them. It’s another debate, but internalised misogyny is a thing, and I think it probably explains some of the the competiveness and nastiness between women.

For me one of the most important aspects of being a feminist is respecting and supporting other women.

NameChange30 · 09/12/2017 18:53

Btw, OP, you are doing a fantastic job.
I hope lots of people are telling you that - your DH, your mum, your best friend...

Looking after a newborn is really bloody hard work. It’s normal to doubt yourself sometimes. But you are doing brilliantly. And don’t be afraid to tell the people close to that you need more support and encouragement, and less criticism!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/12/2017 18:54

All the comments,head tilt I’ve had about working have come from women
No man has ever asked me why do you work?or quoted dubious research about attachment disorder

NameChange30 · 09/12/2017 18:56

Lipstick

I expect it’s because they feel insecure about their own decisions and feel the need to justify them to themselves by preaching to everyone else.

I have a friend who does that, but I quickly concluded that it’s about her, not me, so i don’t get offended by it.

ImEoinMcLove · 09/12/2017 18:59

My mum seriously thinks the sun shines out of DHs arse as he is a very involved patent & has been from day one. My DDAd on the other hand, whilst a lovely man, was barely ever there when we were growing up.

YY to the pp who commented on how judgemental the older generation can be. Not all of course, but I definitely see that in my mum & her friends who saw the home as their domain & would pass comment on others housekeeping/parenting/decorating etc. All lovely ladies though

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