To not buy my sister a Christmas present?

[Sanshin]

She's 23 and I'm 13 years older than her. She's treated like a small child by my mum and her father (not my dad) and has basically been spoilt rotten since the day she was born. She moved out of their place last year into a small flat but doesn't work. She's been trying to find work for a whole year but has walked out of one job, been finished by another job (for crying constantly) and been "let go" by 2 other jobs. She will not listen to advice and my mum is OBSESSED with her to the point that she is all she talks about.

Up until recently I have bought her presents for birthdays and Christmas but have never even received a card off her - my mum still adds her name to the bottom of her cards 🤔

Anyway I mentioned after last Christmas that I am no longer buying for adults. My mum agreed but evidently didn't realise that this also meant my sister. So when it came to her birthday I sent a card (as we do for DHs sister). Next minute my mum is fuming with me for not buying her a present or giving her any money!! It was my birthday the week before and I didn't even get a card off her!!! Another family member pointed this out to my mum who said "but she's her sister!!!". Family member said "yes but it works both ways! Sanshin is HER sister!" And my mum just wasn't having any of it. She didn't approach me directly but slagged me off to anyone that would listen at the time.

So for Christmas, I'm sending a card and no more. This will go down like a lead balloon and will probably cause a row but AIBU??? I've already said I'm not buying for adults now (other than parents) and sister IS an adult, whether my mum can grasp that fact or not surely?

givemesteel why the fuck will her sister have to be the OPs ‘problem’ in years to come?

What a fucking horrid assumption to make.

I have two children with additional needs. I have an older child who is NT. My older child will never have to be responsible for the younger two, to expect that of anybody is downright cruel.

How can you know that though perfectstorm? Genuine question. It could be ASD or it could be learned incompetence, wouldn't it require professional diagnosis?

Autism would absolutely require professionals in order to arrive at a diagnosis. I am not one, and can't begin to know what is going on. But something very clearly is not right, because most very spoilt kids don't emerge from fulltime education with professionals raising ASD question marks, and continued inability to function.

When she went to school, then she will have had a lot of other input, been expected to change for PE, interact with others, take all sorts of injustices and problems on the chin, do homework etc. The fact she still can't function means that, unlike most overly indulged kids when they hit school, she couldn't learn. In her case, apparently and from the OP's perspective, the memo was never delivered. Something is very wrong there.

I wouldn't have raised ASD as an option on the info here. There just isn't enough of it (I stress that that would have been raised as an option, not any attempt to diagnose). In addition, I don't like the way poor behaviour is always linked on MN to ASD. It's unfair and leads to prejudice. But the OP herself said that it had been suggested to her parents as an option, so (the school?) professionals saw signs there, and they were in a better position to know. It's a huge shame her parents refused to engage, really.

Neuro-typical doesn't just mean "not autistic", btw. Saying a NT child would not respond to sub-par, but not abusive parenting as this person has isn't saying they are ASD. You can have all sorts of challenges without being ASD, and yet you aren't NT either.

All the people I know with Aspergers, self included, are date obsessed

My son isn't. Nor my brother, nor my father-in-law. In fact they're all hopeless with dates.

Yanbu.
You don't buy for adults and don't want any presents. I know of two people exactly what you describe. Don't be drawn in to their bullying, manipulation. Calmly ignore any histrionics.

How did she manage at school, OP?

To be honest, I really understand your point of view and would really be tempted not to get her anything. However, it's worth just getting her something small and a card - the cost is minimal but it keeps the family peace. What about a book, a necklace, some candleholders - something small and inexpensive. If they all keep on complaining that the gift isn't enough then they show themselves up as amazingly rude and grabby, but you stay on the moral high ground whatever. And it sounds like your sister is to be pitied to be honest - she doesn't sound functional in any way and is probably lonely and unhappy.

Incywincy, you're right, no it shouldn't be the OP's responsibility, but if the parents don't take any steps to address it then she could find herself lumbered unfortunately. I've finally gone virtually NC with my DB (because of past abuse and having young DDs), and it's finally forced my DM to find another solution rather than expecting DH and me to 'look out' for him. You will have to be equally firm with your DM, OP.

But I do agree that without unspecified 'additional needs' and MH issues, neither your DSis nor my DB would be so incapable of functioning as they are.

YANBU. She’s a grown woman and your mum appears to have created a monster! Good for you for finally calling this out and standing up to the. Stick to your guns.

*IncyWincyGrownUp

givemesteel why the fuck will her sister have to be the OPs ‘problem’ in years to come?

What a fucking horrid assumption to make.

I have two children with additional needs. I have an older child who is NT. My older child will never have to be responsible for the younger two, to expect that of anybody is downright cruel.*

Goodness me, what a reaction.

I speak as someone who has a sibling with significant mental disabilities who will be my responsibility when my parents die, which I accept and don't resent. I don't mean they will live with me necessarily. But I will be the one who ensures their benefits are sorted, that they have adequate housing, support, money and so on.

I of course know nothing about your children's needs but if they will be unable to do any of the above I think you're being a bit naive that your older child will not have to assume responsibility for those things eventually. Trust me, the state doesn't do this well.

From the OPs perspective, it doesn't sound like her sister can manage without her mum so I was only advising her to try and get her sister assessed so if she does have a disability /mental health problem that she gets the support now (given early intervention leads to better outcomes) rather than leaving it until her parents have died and her sister has lived for decades dependent on her mum.

Assuming the OP doesn't want to see her sister potentially destitute one day I don't think this is this is a "fucking horrid assumption" as you so eloquently put it.

It’s families like yours that enable the state to shirk their responsibilities to adults with additional needs though givemesteel.

I don’t mean that in a nasty way, but if adult social services were forced to step up and do their job properly instead of driving families into the ground in order to save time and money many more people would fare better.

My eldest deserves to live a good life without having to run around after two autistic siblings.

I wouldn’t sentence her to a half-life of constant caring; it isn’t her fault and I’ll do everything I can to make sure that nobody will make that assumption just because she’s unfortunate enough to be the one who hasn’t got those additional needs.

I would be putting your DS into the "too hard" basket and moving on with her life. I would be also wondering what is wrong with your mother that she needs to have your sister so very dependent and infantilised to the point of disability. Probably avoid the lot of them.