Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy my sister a Christmas present?

86 replies

Sanshin · 09/12/2017 15:51

She's 23 and I'm 13 years older than her. She's treated like a small child by my mum and her father (not my dad) and has basically been spoilt rotten since the day she was born. She moved out of their place last year into a small flat but doesn't work. She's been trying to find work for a whole year but has walked out of one job, been finished by another job (for crying constantly) and been "let go" by 2 other jobs. She will not listen to advice and my mum is OBSESSED with her to the point that she is all she talks about.

Up until recently I have bought her presents for birthdays and Christmas but have never even received a card off her - my mum still adds her name to the bottom of her cards 🤔

Anyway I mentioned after last Christmas that I am no longer buying for adults. My mum agreed but evidently didn't realise that this also meant my sister. So when it came to her birthday I sent a card (as we do for DHs sister). Next minute my mum is fuming with me for not buying her a present or giving her any money!! It was my birthday the week before and I didn't even get a card off her!!! Another family member pointed this out to my mum who said "but she's her sister!!!". Family member said "yes but it works both ways! Sanshin is HER sister!" And my mum just wasn't having any of it. She didn't approach me directly but slagged me off to anyone that would listen at the time.

So for Christmas, I'm sending a card and no more. This will go down like a lead balloon and will probably cause a row but AIBU??? I've already said I'm not buying for adults now (other than parents) and sister IS an adult, whether my mum can grasp that fact or not surely?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sanshin · 09/12/2017 16:28

I've tried loads of times with her, invites her out to swimming with me to get her out of the house (she'll go with my mum but not me), invited her to my hen night (that was a firm no) - I even asked her to be bridesmaid at my wedding and she was a pain in the arse, wouldn't try on dresses, wouldn't say what she wanted to wear, wouldn't have her hair done with the other bridesmaids and once the ceremony was done she changed our if the dress I bought her immediately and sat there with a face on wanting to go home. Even through the wedding planning I could only contact her via email and I gave her the opportunity to get out of it loads of times yet she insisted that she wanted to do it!

I tried to help her with job searching, her CV - everything but I just get it thrown back in my face each time. I'm not a saint, I've ran out of patience and can't be arsed with her anymore.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 09/12/2017 16:29

Can I add - Maybe because you didn't buy a gift or send money and DSis was expecting the 'usual' could she have kicked off at your mum, meaning your mum is passing that anger back to you - so in effect you caused the meltdown so you should buy gifts to prevent them? Thereby helping your mum IYSWIM?

Even if that is the case it isn't your problem but pre empt it with DSis with a text

'Hi as you know I'm not buying for adults - birthdays or Christmas - I'll pop a card in the post - have fun!

Then see what happens

GrabbyMcGrabby · 09/12/2017 16:30

Sounds really unfair, but sounds like it will backfire on you if you don't give her a Christmas present. Also sounds like your mum will be pissed off too if you only get her a token gift. Families can be frigging nuts sometimes.

Vq1970 · 09/12/2017 16:30

YANBU. She's an adult and it's about time she started behaving like one. If she's not prepared to be considerate to other people then she has to expect the same in return. There's is no way I would be buying her a gift for anything if she can't even acknowledge your birthday.

I know someone a bit like this, nothing to do with MH, she's just been babied her whole life and her mother has done everything for her.

Fluffycloudland77 · 09/12/2017 16:33

I wouldn't bother either.

Sil has been 'helped" by mil over the years. It hasn't helped her at all.

pandarific · 09/12/2017 16:34

you caused the meltdown so you should buy gifts to prevent them? Thereby helping your mum IYSWIM?

I'm sure that's exactly what op's um thinks, but that kind of parenting just staggers me. How is it op's fault and why does she deserve shittiness from her mum because of it? Angry

The op 'caused' nothing - her mum is undoubtedly giving her shit because dsis gave her shit in turn, but this just brings it back to dsis is unable to funtion as an adult because of her mum's babied her so much. OP is absolutely not at fault and should not be punished.

Iloveacurry · 09/12/2017 16:35

I won’t bother either. Your mum and stepdad aren’t doing her any favours. She’s an adult and needs to start acting like one. What would she do if her parents weren’t around??

hevonbu · 09/12/2017 16:35

Maybe she has Aspergers? It's a handicap. I know someone who has a diagnosis of Aspergers, she comes across a bit self-centered, once I texted something personal, a few lines only, and got back: "Let's be clear, I can't stand people who only talk about themselves". I understand it can be quite taxing. Maybe you could benefit from seeing it as if she has a handicap of Aspergers, that doesn't mean you'll have to go out on a limb in order to cushion her from the facts of life (if she has a diagnosis she will need professional help).

Lovemusic33 · 09/12/2017 16:36

She sounds like she has Aspergers too me.

Still it doesn’t mean you have to buy her a Christmas present, she’s an adult and you no longer buy for adults, sending a card is fine.

embo1 · 09/12/2017 16:36

Does she buy presents for your children?

ButchyRestingFace · 09/12/2017 16:39

By the sounds of it, the OP's mother has - at least partly - caused the situation with OP's sister and is facilitating the continuation of this behaviour.

Therefore if there's going to be a fall out from OP's decision to stop giving presents at birthdays/Christmas, well, it's up to the mother to decide if she wants to change her approach with her now adult daughter.

YouTheCat · 09/12/2017 16:42

My 22 year old dd has Aspergers. It does not mean you behave like an arsehole. It does not mean you do not show appreciation to those around you.

Whether she has Aspergers or not is irrelevant. She's sounds like a spoiled little twat and I wouldn't buy her a gift either.

GreenTulips · 09/12/2017 16:44

pandarific

You didn't read my full post - please do so

KeepServingTheDrinks · 09/12/2017 16:44

Sounds toxic. Whether or not she's Aspergers, or has some form of depression, or whatever, I think you're best out of it. You can't influence or change anything here, so just do what's right for you.

Rafflesway · 09/12/2017 16:44

She wouldn’t even be getting a card from me but then again I went NC with the whole of my family for similar reasons - and worse - 30 years ago.

You are a much better person than me, Sanshin. No way would I tolerate that crap from either your half sister or your mother. 😡

In answer to your question - YADDDDNBU!

Tw1nkle17 · 09/12/2017 16:44

She can't be bothered to text you saying happy birthday? There's no way I'd even contemplate buying her a present!

pandarific · 09/12/2017 16:45

Sorry GreenTulips, my mistake. Flowers

InvisibleKittenAttack · 09/12/2017 16:46

You need to contact your sister now and treat her like an adult too. Send an email along the lines off: "hi sister, hope you are ok. Just to let you know I'm not doing gifts for adults this Christmas and I don't expect any in return either. X"

Don't go via your mum, tell your sister so it's not a surprise in Christmas Day and hopefully any upset will be sorted before hand. If she complains that she wants a gift /says you are unfair, ask if she intends to give you a gift.

perfectstorm · 09/12/2017 16:46

Your stepson is not your sister. I agree your parents haven't handled this well, but if you know one person with autism, you know one person with autism. It doesn't mean her challenges will be the same as his, it doesn't mean she will be able to function in the same ways and as well as him, and it doesn't mean things like the eg bridesmaid's dress is her being a PITA. That scenario sounds like a nightmare for many ASD people, tbh. What really made me wince was the part about: But aspergers or not, she should realise that people won't continue to buy her presents if she can't even be arsed to send them a card!

I don't think you're wrong to stop sending presents. I don't think she is your responsibility, or that you can help her, even. But if you don't understand that someone with ASD will have areas where they can't understand/behave like someone who does not have ASD, then frankly she's not the only one with an empathy gap. She is not doing the things she has done because she's a spoilt brat. If she does indeed have ASD (and the sorts of behaviours you describe are way past those an NT person who went to school etc would show as an adult solely because their mum babied them) then she has a lifelong disability. Her life is, and will always be, immeasurably harder than yours. Your resentment, when you won the genetic lottery she did not, is not fair or reasonable. And I speak as the sibling of an ASD brother whose behaviour in his teens was genuinely scary. I know it's hard. No contact may be the right thing for you both. But woman up and stop blaming someone for being disabled, fgs.

She needs adult services involved, and an ASD diagnostic assessment begun. That's not too late. But I doubt, from what you say, that your parents would help her with that. It's a shame as a dx can unlock better provision, and they won't be around forever.

Rafflesway · 09/12/2017 16:47

Oh and just to add, my adult dd of a similar age has SLD and is very severely autistic but has been raised with GOOD MANNERS!

Aspergers is no excuse! She has been raised with no manners or consideration for others.

Notsureaboutmuchanymore · 09/12/2017 16:49

^ agree with perfectstorm here

StarWarsFanatic · 09/12/2017 16:50

DSis is a spoilt brat. You need to explain to your mum that she won't always be around for her and the older she gets the harder it will be for her to change.

I wouldn't buy the gift. Sounds like the rest of your family understand that YANBU so wouldn't worry too much about the fallout.

I have a DSis who freely admits that she is a spoilt brat and is now learning to adapt, it has taken her 30 years. The fallings out we have had over the years have been awful but we're now closer than ever. Still can't get Dad to treat us equally though.

MrsJayy · 09/12/2017 16:51

This could be my Sister same age gap she was totally spoiled up until

pandarific · 09/12/2017 16:51

the sorts of behaviours you describe are way past those an NT person who went to school etc would show as an adult solely because their mum babied them

How can you know that though perfectstorm? Genuine question. It could be ASD or it could be learned incompetence, wouldn't it require professional diagnosis?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 09/12/2017 16:51

Can’t you get her a cheap £10 gift and keep the peace ? That tenner will buy you out of a lot of shit when you probably don’t need it

Swipe left for the next trending thread