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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not buy my sister a Christmas present?

86 replies

Sanshin · 09/12/2017 15:51

She's 23 and I'm 13 years older than her. She's treated like a small child by my mum and her father (not my dad) and has basically been spoilt rotten since the day she was born. She moved out of their place last year into a small flat but doesn't work. She's been trying to find work for a whole year but has walked out of one job, been finished by another job (for crying constantly) and been "let go" by 2 other jobs. She will not listen to advice and my mum is OBSESSED with her to the point that she is all she talks about.

Up until recently I have bought her presents for birthdays and Christmas but have never even received a card off her - my mum still adds her name to the bottom of her cards 🤔

Anyway I mentioned after last Christmas that I am no longer buying for adults. My mum agreed but evidently didn't realise that this also meant my sister. So when it came to her birthday I sent a card (as we do for DHs sister). Next minute my mum is fuming with me for not buying her a present or giving her any money!! It was my birthday the week before and I didn't even get a card off her!!! Another family member pointed this out to my mum who said "but she's her sister!!!". Family member said "yes but it works both ways! Sanshin is HER sister!" And my mum just wasn't having any of it. She didn't approach me directly but slagged me off to anyone that would listen at the time.

So for Christmas, I'm sending a card and no more. This will go down like a lead balloon and will probably cause a row but AIBU??? I've already said I'm not buying for adults now (other than parents) and sister IS an adult, whether my mum can grasp that fact or not surely?

OP posts:

perfectstorm · 09/12/2017 16:53

Recently my mum was without a washing machine so my sister apparently "kindly let her use hers" - what my mum failed to mention was that she had to pay her £10 a time to use it AND had to wash my sisters clothes for her at the same time.

How do you know this? I'm genuinely asking, because your mum didn't say, you have no contact with your sis... was it the same helpful relative who assured you that your mum was slagging you off to anyone who would listen, by any chance?

I can't help feeling for your sister. All kids need to learn other people have rights/needs/feelings, and it's a lot harder work when your child is ASD as you have to teach things verbally, and openly, that most kids just pick up by osmosis. If you don't, then when they get to school the problem compounds. Good schools these days put social skills support in place as well, though that may be less and less with funding cuts, but back then... so if your sis had nothing, from anyone, but your mum glossing over her shortfalls and making the world revolve around her instead of helping her learn to revolve around the world, then she has paid for it very heavily.

None of this, again, is your fault or responsibility or problem. But it is, and always will be, your sister's. And your parents won't live forever.

hamptonhangingpork · 09/12/2017 16:55

I wouldn't even bother sending a card and would have a think about my relationship with my parents.

I would also wonder how my parents view my responsibility to my sister, e.g. would I "inherit" her when they are gone.

Whinesalot · 09/12/2017 16:57

YANBU to take the stance you do, or you could buy her a box of smellies from Poundland and avoid the issue. Neither would be wrong.

But no definitely don't spend actual money on her.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 09/12/2017 16:59

It's worth thinking that you do need to spell it out to her that she's classed as one of the adults and if she doesn't give a gift, she's unlikely to get a gift. If she does have mental health problems/issues, then the link that is "obvious" to you might not be obvious to her. Particular if for the bulk of her life she never went out and thought about buying you a gift, your mum just sorted that, but she got one from you.

That she's your equal as an adult child of the family might not have occurred to her.

So tell her, a nice friendly email saying you won't be buying gifts for the adults in the family this year, including her, and don't expect to receive any. If she complains, point out she doesn't give you gifts so shouldn't expect one from you.

This "obvious" social stuff might have to be carefully explained to her. Do it now when she's not already upset but has time to think about it.

Nanny0gg · 09/12/2017 17:01

Suspected aspergers but never diagnosed despite me pushing for it.

So you actually think that and are now just ignoring it?

Really? If that's the case then there should be a little bit more compassion here, no?

Ideserveaholiday · 09/12/2017 17:03

This sounds truly awful. I don't blame you for not buying her a present. You have given fair warning and it's wrong for your mum to treat you differently (she didn't insist your sister bought you a present did she). It's not just about the present though is it and I think you are right that this is symptomatic of something else going on in the family. You have tried to address that too but met with resistance. All that is left is for you to counter the fall out with a stock phrase like 'But you know I'm only buying for children. Surely you're not saying that SanshisSis is a child.' and hope for the best. I would add that you need to treat yourself to a present, wrap it up and give it to yourself on Christmas Day.

C0untDucku1a · 09/12/2017 17:05

Much of your description of your sister describes my sister. Although she has had the same job, as a cleaner (very little need to interact with other people), for well over 10 years. My sister has serious anxiety.

pandarific · 09/12/2017 17:08

That's unfair Nanny0gg. The op has tried multiple times with her sister, got it thrown in her face and gets guilt-tripped and bashed by her mum for maintaining boundaries in the face of that. That's a bit U, isn't it?

Cheeseislife · 09/12/2017 17:10

What kind of present is she used to expecting from you? I.e something expensive, or just a token gift each occasion?

Pearlsaringer · 09/12/2017 17:12

Read perfectstorm’s post at 16:46. S/he describes perfectly what your DS is probably going through. Doesn’t that make you sad, rather than angry?

Pearlsaringer · 09/12/2017 17:13

DSis I mean

happypoobum · 09/12/2017 17:15

YANBU re the presents.

However, the life you describe your DSIS having sounds like a half life, certainly nothing to be envied. It sounds as though her parents have done her a huge disservice and should be ashamed of themselves.

How on earth do they think she will cope when they are gone?

Tobebythesea · 09/12/2017 17:18

YANBU

Raisedbyguineapigs · 09/12/2017 17:27

My Dsil's brother is undiagnosed asbergers and lives with his mum too. She and his late dad were also completely in denial. When asked, they said he was bullied at school and its made him a bit shy. My DB and SiL have told them and left leaflets around the house about day centres etc. He is much older than your sister, and its very worrying what will happen when the mum is gone.

wizzywig · 09/12/2017 17:31

I swear there was a thread once from someone who said she had nothing in common with her elder sister and didnt want to be a bridesmaid for her as she hayed wearing dresses and getting her hair done. She wanted to know if she could miss the wedding. She said she barely saw the guests who were all family or old family friends.c

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/12/2017 17:40

I absolutely agree to that the present buying needs to stop. I also think the best way to handle the situation is to email your sister explaining that she is an adult and you are an adult and therefore you will no longer be buying her a present as you don’t buy presents for adults.

Schlimbesserung · 09/12/2017 17:42

My family is very similar to yours, OP. Your sister isn't the problem, your mother is. My sister might have been able to live independently without supervision if my parents hadn't babied her and refused to accept that she has a (glaringly obvious) MH problem.
If you want to salvage a relationship with her, you could email and explain what you've decided and why. Maybe offer help if she needs it. But whatever you do, don't discuss it with your mum. Your relationship with your sister isn't really her business and she needs to stop trying to control it.
Your sister isn't the winner here, but neither should you have to buy her a present to prevent bad feeling.

Lizzie48 · 09/12/2017 19:41

It is very sad. Your DSis sounds very much like my DB, who isn't able to function like an adult at 50 years old. My DM doesn't indulge him as such, but she solves all his problems and bails him out whenever he's in difficulty. He hasn't had a paid job in over 20 years.

In his case, he does have a MH diagnosis, residual schizophrenia, probably as a result of childhood abuse, which my DSis and I also suffered. But my DM has done him no favours by babying him over the years. When he's stayed with us (he doesn't now, for other reasons), it's been like having another child. And I worry about what things will be like when my DM passes away (she's 78 now).

If nothing changes, your DSis will end up like my DB.

eloisesparkle · 09/12/2017 20:01

OP Your sister's behaviour is not normal.
She could well be on the AS.
If so, she needs help as dealing with the world will be difficult for her.
Your mum is not helping at all and is in denial probably, and covers up for her behaviour as much as possible.
Has your Mum thought about what will happen when she and your step dad are not around ? Or if either of them got ill suddenly?
I think your dsis needs your compassion.
My friend's daughter has been diagnosed with Asperger's but she doesn't fully accept the diagnosis and doesn't see her dd's behaviour as being very different from other children whereas my other friends and I see a big difference between her behaviour and other children.

livingdownsouth · 09/12/2017 22:09

Sending hugs OP from one person with a batshit sister and enabling mother to another x I have little contact with my sister, she will sometimes send an abusive email or text and I am constantly told by other family members that I should make more of an effort with her! Do what you want to do - if your family is like mine it will be the wrong thing no matter what . So you might as well do what works for you x

butterfly56 · 09/12/2017 22:16

Don't buy her anything OP.
Whatever you think of buying...treat yourself instead!
I have a similar dysfunctional family and gave up buying for family years ago as none of it was reciprocated.
Saved myself a fortune!!!
I've just treated myself to some lovely new boots from Amazon!
I started treating myself a few years ago and it was strange at first as I was always giving to family members.
So treat yourself OP and enjoy!!

givemesteel · 09/12/2017 22:21

Obviously can't diagnose off a thread on Mumsnet but your sister sounds like she might have a personality disorder. Either way she has a very dysfunctional relationship with your mum (for both of them) which will outline get worse as the years go on.

Is your dad around or another family member who would help you intervene? You may not have much sympathy with her but the day will come when she's your problem and could be a lot worse by then.

As for the present, I'm not sure it's worth the upset to not get her a small token.

MissBax · 09/12/2017 22:26

Jesus you're whole family sound a nightmare!

Assburgers · 09/12/2017 22:29

All the people I know with Aspergers, self included, are date obsessed. I doubt she’s forgotten your birthday. She’s just not arsed. NT or not, YANBU.

Nanny0gg · 09/12/2017 22:31

That's unfair Nanny0gg. The op has tried multiple times with her sister, got it thrown in her face and gets guilt-tripped and bashed by her mum for maintaining boundaries in the face of that. That's a bit U, isn't it?

No I don't think it is.

Her mum is the main problem. But you can't think your sister has a condition that impacts her relationships on one hand and then expect her to react as NT people would on the other.

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