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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be uncomfortable about this

55 replies

2046person1 · 09/12/2017 10:23

Nearly four years ago, I did something at work that I should not have done. In all honesty I should have been dismissed for gross misconduct and there was a possibility then that I would have been prohibited working in that area again. However, it was conceded that there were mitigating circumstances around what happened and I was ‘allowed’ to resign. It was still one of the most awful periods of my life - having to abruptly leave a workplace I was attached to - and moving on proved difficult as my reference clearly stated ‘she resigned because of X.’

Initially, I applied to jobs as normal and just attached a confidential file to the application with a letter explaining what had happened. One of the jobs I applied for was with someone I actually knew a little bit, although I didn’t allude to this in my application. Her daughter was one of my school friends and we had been very close at one point although had lost touch as we grew up.

I actually managed to get another job fairly promptly, although the woman I knew didn’t get back to me, but I understood that. However, my new job was only for one year, therefore it finished at the beginning of 2015. I was pleased, however, as it had gone well, I had new references and it seemed all was smoothly over.

Until recently when I met some school friends and one of them asked in a casual voice ‘did you apply for a job at X.’

I also was contacted about the possibility of doing some collaborative work at the place my friends mother worked at and they seemed very enthusiastic and keen until they found out it was me and then withdrew and were no longer interested.

Perhaps I’m being unreasonable but I do feel that now it was a long time ago and the fact I was honest and open about it is repeatedly returning to bite me on the ass! Or AIBU?

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 09/12/2017 10:27

You can feel uncomfortable about it but the information is out there now and there isn't anything you can do about it. If I knew someone had been guilty of gross misconduct I would hesitate to employ them I'm afraid.

Original poster
2046person1 · 09/12/2017 10:31

It isn’t about employing me. She obviously has the right not to do that.

It’s about informing people about it - people who have nothing to do with my line of work, but are, or were, friends.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 09/12/2017 10:31

I think you have to make peace with the fact that some employers will be willing to give you s second chance and some won’t. The more you work the less of an issue it will be.

ButchyRestingFace · 09/12/2017 10:34

Until recently when I met some school friends and one of them asked in a casual voice ‘did you apply for a job at X.’

Are you concerned that the school friends know what you did in the past?

araiwa · 09/12/2017 10:38

Actions have consequences

I would tend to bin any cv that mentioned gross misconduct

12345OnceCaughtAFish · 09/12/2017 10:49

In answer to your concern, YANBU to expect that information to be handled sensitively and confidentially. If knowledge of your transgression has reached the ears of old school friends who have nothing to do with recruitment in your line of work, then it is reasonable to assume your friend's mother could have been the source. Do you have proof that they do, in fact, know the details? And can you prove where they got the information from? If so then you have grounds to complain to the company for mishandling of information and possibly breach of confidentiality, depending on their policies.

kaitlinktm · 09/12/2017 10:55

What did you say when your friends asked? Did you ask how they knew or why they were asking?

Migraleve · 09/12/2017 10:59

Context is vital.

They asked if you applied for a job at X.

That could go from being an innocent suggestion right along to being an accusation of your past Confused

Original poster
2046person1 · 09/12/2017 11:03

There isn’t really any reason why anyone would know I had applied for a job there.

It seems pretty plain to me that the woman I knew a little has told her daughter and probably a number of other people as well, the details of a letter I sent to her in confidence.

When the women asked I just vaguely said something like “I think so ... where are you working now?”

As I have explained, it’s not about being annoyed she didn’t employ me. I just feel that to try to jeopardise my future prospects as well as tell people who don’t work in that field about it, is more than a little unpleasant.

OP posts:
LunaMay · 09/12/2017 11:09

How do you know she didn't just say that she'd seen one of her old school friends for an interview? Did they mention details of your letter?

Original poster
2046person1 · 09/12/2017 11:09

I didn’t have an interview.

It seems a bit strange that they’d bring up the fact I once applied for a job nearly four years ago, don’t you think?

OP posts:
12345OnceCaughtAFish · 09/12/2017 11:10

Could the question be based on the fact that your friend knows your line of work, that company X employs people in your line of work, and have been meant as a suggestion of places to apply with?

MaidOfStars · 09/12/2017 11:11

If your friend’s mother has revealed even your application for a job, let alone either details of previous ‘forced’ resignations, I’d be furious.

ButchyRestingFace · 09/12/2017 11:11

It seems pretty plain to me that the woman I knew a little has told her daughter and probably a number of other people as well, the details of a letter I sent to her in confidence

I agree that it wasn’t appropriate to tell others you had applied for a job at her organisation.

However, nothing in what you posted suggests that the woman did any more than that, ie, divulge that you had been previously dismissed.

Original poster
2046person1 · 09/12/2017 11:14

I hadn’t been dismissed, actually, Butchy

Why would someone remember such a random piece of information unless there was more to it?

I’m pretty sure that she has told a number of people, in fact, and it’s having repercussions st a time when really I sound be able to move on from it.

OP posts:
Original poster
2046person1 · 09/12/2017 11:15

Thank you Maid

I am pretty upset and embarrassed.

OP posts:
GinIsIn · 09/12/2017 11:17

You are clearly ashamed of what you did and I think are overexamining this as a consequence.

You say you met your old school friend. What probably happened is:
Friend: Hi mum, how are you? No I can’t come for lunch, I’m meeting Fred, Bob and 2046person1 actually.
Friend’s mum: oh how is 2046person1? Haven’t seen them in years, although I did speak to her by email as she applied for a job at work actually. Have a nice lunch!

Original poster
2046person1 · 09/12/2017 11:18

I very much doubt it fenella

Did you see the other information in my post?

I applied for the job in 2014. Nearly four years ago.

OP posts:
RhiannonOHara · 09/12/2017 11:19

If your friend’s mother has revealed even your application for a job, let alone either details of previous ‘forced’ resignations, I’d be furious.

Agree.

ReturnOfTheMackYesItIs · 09/12/2017 11:21

She just asked if you'd applied for a job there. She didn't imply anything. I think you're overthinking it

Original poster
2046person1 · 09/12/2017 11:22

Let me try again.

I was at school between 1994 and 1999. ‘Sarah’ and I were good friends then and went to one another’s houses a fair bit, but we lost touch when we left school and although we are Facebook friends, that’s it.

In early 2014, I applied for a job at Sarah’s mums company. I explained candidly why I left my last work place in a confidential letter.

In late 2017,I see some old school friends who are friendly still with Sarah. One asks very ‘casually’ “did you apply for a job at X company.’

Some of you are very generous but I am inclined to think rather a lot of gossip has happened.

OP posts:
ButchyRestingFace · 09/12/2017 11:23

I hadn’t been dismissed, actually, Butchy

Okay, you were allowed to jump before you were pushed.

But you don’t actually have evidence that anything further was divulged?

Fenella has offered an alternative explanation.

I’m pretty sure that she has told a number of people, in fact, and it’s having repercussions st a time when really I sound be able to move on from it.

And your evidence for thinking this is?

LuluJakey1 · 09/12/2017 11:24

Difficult one because unless you actually know she has told people, you can’t really do anything. Actually can you do anything anyway? You could speak to her and say applications and references are confidential and how upset you are about what she has done but that is likely to stir it all up again.

I would not employ someone in your circumstances although I would appreciate you being honest with me and would not disclose it to others. It sounds like someone has given you an opportunity to move on in life. I think I would just take it and let the past go and learn my lesson.

Must be a horrible feeling because you are clearly ashamed, embarrassed and appreciate it could have been worse. It must feel like it could now become more common knowledge and I would be wondering how many oeople she or her daughter have told.

If she is employed by a company and you can prove she broke confidentiality, you can complain to the company. However, that will risk stirring it up again.

Migraleve · 09/12/2017 11:24

One asks very ‘casually’ “did you apply for a job at X company.’

I think your conscience is skewing your interpretation here. I mentioned how context is important. You haven't given anything to make anyone think there is more to this?

Original poster
2046person1 · 09/12/2017 11:25

I explained in my opening post Butchy

I was dropped like a hot cake from something I should have been working with and got a very feeble excuse claiming my current employers reference had alluded to lack of skill in a certain area. My current employer was as baffled as I was.

Then I bump into a group of women who immediately ask if I applied for a job four years ago. I did. I applied for several jobs actually. Applying for a job is only news if there’s something more to it.

But fair enough, you think I’m being unreasonable. There’s nothing I can do about it anyway. Just feel a little sad and humiliated that someone could be so spiteful.

OP posts: