To be uncomfortable about this

[2046person1]

Nearly four years ago, I did something at work that I should not have done. In all honesty I should have been dismissed for gross misconduct and there was a possibility then that I would have been prohibited working in that area again. However, it was conceded that there were mitigating circumstances around what happened and I was ‘allowed’ to resign. It was still one of the most awful periods of my life - having to abruptly leave a workplace I was attached to - and moving on proved difficult as my reference clearly stated ‘she resigned because of X.’

Initially, I applied to jobs as normal and just attached a confidential file to the application with a letter explaining what had happened. One of the jobs I applied for was with someone I actually knew a little bit, although I didn’t allude to this in my application. Her daughter was one of my school friends and we had been very close at one point although had lost touch as we grew up.

I actually managed to get another job fairly promptly, although the woman I knew didn’t get back to me, but I understood that. However, my new job was only for one year, therefore it finished at the beginning of 2015. I was pleased, however, as it had gone well, I had new references and it seemed all was smoothly over.

Until recently when I met some school friends and one of them asked in a casual voice ‘did you apply for a job at X.’

I also was contacted about the possibility of doing some collaborative work at the place my friends mother worked at and they seemed very enthusiastic and keen until they found out it was me and then withdrew and were no longer interested.

Perhaps I’m being unreasonable but I do feel that now it was a long time ago and the fact I was honest and open about it is repeatedly returning to bite me on the ass! Or AIBU?

I explained in my opening post Butchy

I read your posts.

I simply don’t agree that it’s obvious your friend’s mother has blabbed about the circumstances surrounding your departure from your previous employment.

I agree that it would not be appropriate for her to mention you had applied for a job with her company at all. But you can’t even be sure from the conversation described that this has definitely happened.

Ok, cool, we disagree.

Very gently, I think you may be overthinking this. If she knew for a fact that you’d applied why would she ask? Possibly he mum had mentioned it ages ago but that doesn’t mean she gave the details. Anyway you dealt with it well.

I was dismissed from a much loved career for I’ll health and I fully understand that sense of loss and humiliation. I hope you can move on in time and put it all behind you.

Everyone has made some kind of mistake in their career. You will be far more sensitive and aware of this by now, four years is a long time ago and you’ve proved your worth since then.

What line of work are you in, OP?

Everyone makes mistakes and misjudgements, some are awful and it feels they follow us around for years. I've certainly made my fair share, and then some!

I think it's very admirable that you've been so frank and honest about it, and kept determinedly building a career and moved on. Best thing you can do. However, I do think there are some very sensitive fields where it will be a longer struggle to be fully trusted and respected again than others - perhaps if there was a vulnerable person involved who suffered because of what happened.

You sound like you've handled the whole thing very well, but you also sound a little resentful that it's still an issue, even rarely. Of course that's only human, but I do think without knowing what it is it's very hard to say if you are being reasonable or not to feel it's still 'biting you in the ass'.

In answer to your concern, YANBU to expect that information to be handled sensitively and confidentially. If knowledge of your transgression has reached the ears of old school friends who have nothing to do with recruitment in your line of work, then it is reasonable to assume your friend's mother could have been the source. Do you have proof that they do, in fact, know the details? And can you prove where they got the information from? If so then you have grounds to complain to the company for mishandling of information and possibly breach of confidentiality, depending on their policies.

This. The posters who think that the whole thing is innocent and no information was broadcast from the rooftops other than the fact that the OP applied for a job are being extremely naive imo. As she explained several times: why on earth would people remember an unsuccessful job application 4 years later if there weren't interesting details? An application that is completely none of their business.

Maybe OP you need some legal advice i.e. from a decent employment lawyer. Obviously you have no evidence at this stage, but if your friends revealed a little more about why they asked you then you would have. Getting advice would help you see where you stand legally i.e. if there is any point in finding out more about what happened and if there could be any consequences for blabber mouth.

Thanks. I don’t think I’d have any comeback, but I do appreciate someone believes me and isn’t just insisting that a group of women in their mid thirties would obviously remember an application to a company that went no further!

I don't know anything about where you stand legally, but I am sure the company concerned would not be happy if one of their employees was gossiping to family members about job applications.

Try putting yourself in the shoes of the woman who "told".

I was in a similar position recently, someone I know was disciplined for a deception in a previous job, applied for a position where I work now. I was largely advised (on here) that it would be wrong of me to let the company appoint him without telling them what I knew - that I should give them the information I had and let them make the decision.

As it happens he wasn't shortlisted anyway but I was a very difficult place to be.

I still don't think you have any evidence to say that confidential information has been leaked BUT you said that you could have been prohibited from working in a particular area. If your gross misconduct was something you did that means you could potentially be a risk in certain roles then I think it's unrealistic to think people won't ever mention it.

council, that would be fair enough if she was just passing on the information, although the fact that I was honest and open about it in my application surely shows I was not trying to hide it anyway, but her daughter and her daughters friends certainly didn’t need to know about it, did they?

Return, no, not a risk at all. I made a mistake, and even my past employers acknowledged on my reference that it had been a well meaning mistake attempting to help a colleague, but was ultimately misguided and I of course take full responsibility for that.

Crikey what did you do! Lock someone in a fridge as an April fool's joke?

I think you are right to be concerned because otherwise why would she just randomly ask - she'd have no reason to. However whether or not she knows what you did is moot.

Either way, for your sake you need to move on.

Oh, okay. Then it's not a huge deal then? Not something that people would be likely to gossip about?

And stop attaching 'confidential' letters to applications. That was your first mistake and you shouldn't have done that in the first place.

Vlad, my line of work doesn’t accept CVs. There was nowhere on the application form to explain the circumstances in which I left my last job.

Plus, your advice is four years old.

It depends what you mean by a huge deal.

Criminal offence, no.

Something that could have led to instant dismissal and could have led to my ever working in that area again (although this would have been harsh, not unheard of) - yes.

I think we need to know what the thing was to be honest.

I don't think you can minimise something that "should" have had you barred from the line of work.

I don't think it was right of them to talk about it, but if you've got that kind of thing in your past, it can't be unexpected that people will.

Curiosity killed the cat, I’m afraid. No, you don’t need to know: you want to know.

Not really should have.

Could have, although the union said it would have been harsh to have done so. It’s something fairly common, but as I’ve said, I think passing on confidential information to your family who tell their friends who tell their ... well, you get the picture.

You’re doing the standard thing and not listening to any posters who disagree with you and not giving more details for better advice so i guess this thread is over.

Fair enough you don't want to say.

But if it could have led to instant dismissal and being barred from working in that area and you were lucky not to; then you may have to accept it's something that people would remember and perhaps gossip about it.

Not that you have evidence that anyone has. But part of the consequences of a serious misjudgment that could have ended your career is that people may talk about it unfortunately.

I don't understand how anyone could think this was innocent?! Obviously the person has gossiped and it's really unprofessional of her to have done so. I don't think you can take any action, OP, except maybe staying away from this person.

I would add that the only exception to my stance on this is if you could be considered a risk in the community - for example if your misconduct was related to behaviour towards a child and my daughter had children, I'd probably warn her about her ex friend in case they came into contact again.

I think if you've applied for a job then the employer should not be blabbing to others about your past

Clearly you're aware of the implications and that some employers may hesitate to employ you but they should never be telling people sensitive information about you.

In all honesty, id never want to work for someone who was so loose lipped and gossipy

imagine it may have gone something like this with your friends

Hey mum i am meeting XYZ later today,

mum: oh yes she applied for a job at my company a while ago, say hello from me.

And that was it?

If it was more, wouldn't they have said more, in a hint hint nudge nudge way (oh you applied to a job at mums place and didn't get it, oh i wonder why................)