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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Make postnatal depression?

60 replies

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot · 09/12/2017 01:47

Is there a male specific term for depression relating to the birth of a child?

My partner has depression, and isn't coping. He doesn't enjoy our child, or have any pleasure in our life any longer. I work 3 days a week ( 4 hour shifts) and he constantly texts me to tell me how the baby screams for hours with him ( no health issues, he's fine with me). He doesn't want our life and is current stomping around the house in anger because he has had no sleep and has to work tomorrow. He really cannot cope with the smallest amount of tiredness and is blaming the baby for being awake.

He won't go to the doctors for advice or treatment and is being very hard on himself for feeling this way. I'm just very worried.

OP posts:

AssassinatedBeauty · 09/12/2017 01:51

It's situation specific depression, I think. Related to the changes due to becoming a parent.

Do you think there is anyone he might speak to about it?

J4DE · 09/12/2017 01:54

I have heard of men getting a type of post-natal depression!

I'm sorry that your having to go through this with him it can't be nice as it probably takes an effect on you aswell as him.

Could you maybe mention it to a health visitor and see what they suggest? If he's refusing to seek professional guidance then I'm not sure what else you can do...

Maybe if he struggles with soothing little one give him some tips and tricks this might allow them to bond better? Xx

Original poster

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot · 09/12/2017 01:55

I wish there was. He won't believe that this is common in men, thinks he's an awful human for feeling this way. I'm genuinely worried he's going to leave and throw this away because he can't cope with tiredness. For context, DS slept through 9 hours a night for the first 6 months so it's only been the last month that he's been up and down and even that hasn't been bad. He just really is not coping with the changes as he gets older.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 09/12/2017 01:56

Any major life change (and a baby is about the biggest!) can trigger MH issues. Has he had depression before?

It sounds like a lot of it is anger though. Is he feeling down as well?

Original poster

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot · 09/12/2017 01:56

I've tried every trick I know. He says nothing works. We don't have input from the HV as this is my 4th and she was happy to leave us to it. He'd never speak to someone though, sees it as failure that he struggles with his son.

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Original poster

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot · 09/12/2017 01:58

Yes he has. He's always been a bit of an 'eeyore' and struggles to be happy.

But this is sheer anger at being awake. He's not angry at the baby, just the situation. He's gone off to another room.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 09/12/2017 01:59

His first, your fourth?

Is he feeling a bit out-skilled? And maybe like you would manage the baby totally?

Original poster

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot · 09/12/2017 02:04

I don't take over. I didn't even hold baby until he was 2 hours old to allow them skin to skin. I went back to work when he was 4 months so my partner could get used to being on his own with him. He is very good with him, just doesn't enjoy it. He hands poor DS over as soon as I walk in because he's so relieved to not have to deal with him. He doesn't usually get up in the night either. Just feels like a breakdown.

OP posts:

Whoyagonna · 09/12/2017 02:04

I'd be worried leaving the baby with him to be honest. That is obviously going on the 2 paragraphs you've given. Sleep deprivation, a crying baby and an angry man doesn't sound like an ideal combination to me.

J4DE · 09/12/2017 02:09

If he doesn't seem to enjoy taking care of him on his own and hands him straight over when you get home it kind of sounds like he would prefer you to be the one who stays at home, doesn't work and takes care of the baby whilst he works full time

Original poster

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot · 09/12/2017 02:14

He works full time, he does longer days on 3 days of the week.

I have no concerns about leaving him with DS, he's not angry at him, just very overwhelmed and cannot cope with all the problems a baby brings. He's angry at our life. He loves DS, just doesn't feel he quite knows what to do with him.

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Original poster

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot · 09/12/2017 02:15

Sorry, that wasn't clear. He works 12 hours 3 days of the week, I work 4 hours on a different 3, 1 off together.

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Insomnibrat · 09/12/2017 02:16

How was he with the other 3 before DS arrived? Are they much older?

Original poster

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot · 09/12/2017 02:20

There's 5 years between the next youngest and DS. He's very good with them, just can be quite aloof at times. Their father is very involved and I think he's uncertain of his place in their lives sometimes so he backs off so they can come to him when they're ready.

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Whoyagonna · 09/12/2017 02:21

Why is he angry at your life? The extra baby?

Whoyagonna · 09/12/2017 02:23

So he has the baby on his own for 4 hours three days a week?

Insomnibrat · 09/12/2017 02:24

Maybe the pressure of responsibility is weighing heavy on him, especially if he has some underlying anxiety issues.

Original poster

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot · 09/12/2017 02:27

He's angry that he feels ill a lot at the moment and that he has less sleep. Small things seem like big things to him. He just doesn't seem happy with our life together any more.

OP posts:

Insomnibrat · 09/12/2017 02:35

Your DH has depression. Probably triggered by anxiety.
It is not PND because he hasn't been 'natal'', nonetheless, it can be devastating.

The best thing to do all round here is stop questioning yourself, life, relationship and talk to him about seeing his GP. There's no shame in it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/12/2017 02:42

I was angry and miserable because of lack of sleep. Not depressed although the symptoms were indistinguishable.

However, if it feels like a breakdown to you, you know him better than us. Could you reconnect with your HV?

Original poster

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot · 09/12/2017 06:59

He will not go to the GP and wouldn't talk to the HV. I've tried all that.

I suppose I just wondered if anyone else had a partner who struggled to adjust.

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Original poster

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot · 09/12/2017 09:21

He's left for work and wouldn't even look at us.

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Itsnotmesothere · 09/12/2017 09:40

he's left for work and wouldn't even look at us
Even if he is depressed, he's making things unpleasant for you for which there is no excuse. He must seek help.
I think it's easy to mistake tiredness for depression when you are so deprived.

Your baby is very young. My partner adjusted to parenthood slowly and yes there were some struggles. However he worked full time OTH and I was on maternity leave for over a year. My baby was ebf too, by the time my partner looked after him for full days at one. He was a lot easier and it went well. I honestly don't know how my partner would have coped looking after our baby at 4 months for long stretches, I would have been worried.
Lots of sympathy for you

Original poster

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot · 09/12/2017 11:38

We both agreed that me going back was a good idea. We needed the money. The baby just screams and screams at him from when I leave to when I come home. I don't blame him for being depressed, I just don't know how to help.

OP posts:

Itsnotmesothere · 09/12/2017 12:21

Sorry, I've just seen that your baby is older than 4 months. Could he get out and about with baby? A walk, a class?

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