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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Make postnatal depression?

60 replies

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot · 09/12/2017 01:47

Is there a male specific term for depression relating to the birth of a child?

My partner has depression, and isn't coping. He doesn't enjoy our child, or have any pleasure in our life any longer. I work 3 days a week ( 4 hour shifts) and he constantly texts me to tell me how the baby screams for hours with him ( no health issues, he's fine with me). He doesn't want our life and is current stomping around the house in anger because he has had no sleep and has to work tomorrow. He really cannot cope with the smallest amount of tiredness and is blaming the baby for being awake.

He won't go to the doctors for advice or treatment and is being very hard on himself for feeling this way. I'm just very worried.

OP posts:

donquixotedelamancha · 09/12/2017 13:14

Male PND is pretty common, though obvs much less common than in women. It doesn't need a different name. I had it after DD2- it's really hard to accept that it's something more than just 'a hard time' and to ask for help. I'm not sure how much use a GP actually is. Accessing talking therapy (for example) can be really difficult.

"The baby just screams and screams at him from when I leave to when I come home."

Yeah, I had this too. It's really horrible and probably a large contributing factor. Helping yourself when you're depressed is difficult, so I'm not sure the following are much use, but here goes:

It does pass. Took me about 6 months before I started to come back to normal.

Send him to bed early. No late nights watching telly/browsing t'internet because he can't sleep. A book or a walk if he isn't asleep after an hour.

Don't try to cheer him up. He's allowed to feel shit and he's allowed time being morose on his own, as long as he pulls his weight.

Really important: he spends time with the child every day and does at least half of the bedtimes. The crying will ease as attachment builds, but it's horrible waiting for that when you feel so rejected by your own child.

Point out when he's being a good Dad, he won't feel it.

Don't neglect your own needs and don't avoid expressing them. It's not your job to tiptoe around him and it won't help. You can't help if you don't look after yourself.

VladmirsPoutine · 09/12/2017 13:23

But the thing is you both seem to be stuck at an impasse. He won't seek help and won't take up anything you're suggesting. You need to be at work, not least for the money.
How long do you reckon you can limp on? Right now I gather that you're worried, but that worry will soon turn into anger, then resentment.
It really is time for critical talks here I'm afraid.

Smellyjo · 09/12/2017 13:37

I think donquixote's advice is good. Lots of understanding, encouragement and helping him believe in himself. I hated many aspects of being a mum when extremely sleep deprived. And I could see when my dd was harder to settle through picking up on me being angry at being woken. Again. I feel lots of sympathy for your husband reading this. A new baby turns your world upside down - it is his first isn't it? From what I understand in your posts. And while you know baby's sleep issues are not as bad as some, it still sounds like he's struggling to cope. While you mean well, perhaps your suggestions to get help are being taken as telling him he's a failure and he needs some support to feel a little more confident. Within your week, could you offer him a little more 'me time', even temporarily? Sounds really hard for you too, and the other kids I'm sure.

SkaPunkPrincess · 09/12/2017 13:47

I would be rather worried that the baby cries constantly when he is alone with him if he isn't usually like that. Is he neglecting him when your not there?

Original poster

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot · 09/12/2017 14:13

Definitely no neglect. He screams if I even leave a room even if my partner is there, I don't know if it's maybe separation anxiety? None of my others were ever like it because I didn't work then.

If I'm honest there's already a bit of resentment, I get up, get kids ready for school, wake him up, go to work, come home, run around for kids clubs, go to bed and get up through the night while he sleeps. It's only dropping off he has trouble with, once he's out, he's out. He often gets 'me time', I do not as he gives me the baby as soon as I get in from work.

OP posts:

Original poster

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot · 09/12/2017 14:16

He's very socially anxious so I've suggested the singing groups at the library but he's not comfortable going.

Don Quixote, thank you for your advice. Most of that we're doing, just not seeming to get there. I hope it'll click into place but recently it's just got worse.

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Itsnotmesothere · 09/12/2017 14:17

Sorry if this sounds like I'm minimising but could it be a hissy fit at having to look after his own baby by himself?

donquixotedelamancha · 09/12/2017 14:36

"If I'm honest there's already a bit of resentment, I get up, get kids ready for school, wake him up, go to work, come home, run around for kids clubs, go to bed and get up through the night while he sleeps."

Depression is a really selfish illness., it numbs you to the needs and feelings of others- which means you need to be doubly clear in expressing your needs and feelings. It's OK for one partner to carry a bit more of the burden in hard times, but it's neither acceptable to you, nor helpful to him, if you just become a mug. He needs to care for the child even when it feels like he's faking it. He will not 'snap out' it will be very gradual.

Push a bit harder, even if it means some arguments; but keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn't get worse. Please don't give in to thoughts like this: "could it be a hissy fit at having to look after his own baby by himself?", tempting as it may be when living with someone who's depressed.

donquixotedelamancha · 09/12/2017 14:37

"Sorry if this sounds like I'm minimising"

Oh no. It sounds much worse than that.

Original poster

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot · 09/12/2017 14:42

Definitely no hissy fit, he was always hands on before and supported my return for work. He knows there is no alternative, and he's not the type to cause a drama. He just looks so down and sad, and nothing makes him happy.

OP posts:

Itsnotmesothere · 09/12/2017 14:46

Would it possible for you take a bit of AL to do some nice things together with the baby?

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/12/2017 15:14

It must be really hard for someone with SA to deal with being screamed at all day. And it must be really hard for you to cope with his anger and rejection. It's rotten all around.

It will improve. But in the meantime you both have to survive. Do you think discussing it like, "I know you don't want to go to the doctor but this situation isn't OK. What can we both do to get through and improve things?" would help? Or have you tried all that?

Honestly, we were better past 2yo when she slept and she was great fun to be around.

Original poster

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot · 09/12/2017 15:15

I could book a little time off in the new year. I will speak to my boss. Money is very tight though so we'd be limited on what we could do.

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Original poster

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot · 09/12/2017 15:17

Any time I raise the issue he just answers 'I don't know what would help.' Or he tells me I should leave because he's not giving me what I need, that he's a shit father and we'd all be better without him. Reassurance isn't working.

OP posts:

Itsnotmesothere · 09/12/2017 15:23

It doesn't have to be expensive, a walk in the park. A baby class/group together at the local community centre? Swimming? Story session at local library?
Have you had much time to enjoy your new and only child together?

Itsnotmesothere · 09/12/2017 15:29

Make sure you guys can get some time together without the children as well even if it's just the pub.

Original poster

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot · 09/12/2017 16:35

We've had one night out since he was born. No money at all for another one. We often spend time with alone as the other's dad takes them out regularly. He never seems to want to leave the house for other things.

We did take baby swimming once though so will try that again though he dislikes showing his body and he wasn't very comfortable.

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Original poster

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot · 10/12/2017 02:47

He's flipped again, says he's leaving us.

I'm incredibly selfish for letting the baby wake him up. Am I? I even know if I'm bu anymore.

OP posts:

EssentialHummus · 10/12/2017 03:02

You haven’t let the baby wake him up, that’s just a baby being a baby. I’m sorry op, nothing to add - I’d leave it for tonight but push hard for a GP visit, medication or counselling, and find some activity he will do with the baby / one thing that minimises screaming when you’re out.

Makingahome · 10/12/2017 03:02

Let him leave. He's being a childish arse over the sleep.

Original poster

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot · 10/12/2017 03:06

I can't stop him going can I?

There's literally no way to fix this.

OP posts:

EssentialHummus · 10/12/2017 03:12

I wouldn’t stop him going (or just kipping in another room), but I’d try to stay calm and non-finger-pointy and offer to talk things through with him tmrw when the night has passed.

Original poster

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot · 10/12/2017 03:14

He's working 12 hours tomorrow, I won't see him.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/12/2017 03:15

It's not your fault, you didn't cause it, and without his seeking help, there's nothing to do.

Original poster

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot · 10/12/2017 06:31

I know I can't fix this, but I hate that he'd rather walk away from me than let me help him.

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