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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed with school

73 replies

Mia1415 · 09/12/2017 00:10

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to complain about this but I’m really upset and annoyed about it.

DS is in reception at school. I’m a single mum and he has no contact whatsoever with his ‘dad’. He’s never met him, he has zero contact and hasn’t contributed a penny towards him (his choice). He isn’t on his birth certificate.

Today DS’s school had a wrap a present where they get to pick a pressent and school wrap them. I sent the money into school earlier this week for 2 presents in a clearly marked envelope that the presents were for Harrison’s mummy and Grannie. His teacher and school know there is no Dad involved.

Anyway he came home tonight with a wrapped present for mummy and daddy. He said he told them he didn’t have a daddy but they took no notice.

I’m really annoyed and upset about this. Am I overreacting? It kills me that he doesn’t have a father but I can’t change that.

I appreciate the school had hundreds of children but I’ve made them fully aware of the situation and I reinforced it on the envelope with the money.

Am I being unreasonable to send an email to complain/ give feedback. I don’t want to get anyone in trouble and definitely don’t want to be ‘that mum’ but I feel really annoyed that they have ignored both me and my DS.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 09/12/2017 00:13

It's poor.

What if you were widowed and your DS had lost his father?

Don't go in ranting, but you should have a word.

Couchpotato3 · 09/12/2017 00:14

I think that is very insensitive of the school and YANBU to give them some pretty robust feedback. Imagine if there were a child whose parent had died. It's not acceptable, especially when you went to the effort of reminding them of your situation.

chocolateorangeowls · 09/12/2017 00:17

Usually I side with the school on these threads but not here, they should have definitely listened, to you and your son! Not acceptable at all, there could be loads of things happening at home to make this inappropriate! I'd go and speak to them on Monday.

ThisLittleKitty · 09/12/2017 00:20

I get where your coming from. I am a single mother and my kids school knew this but yet still had them doing Father's Day cards! I'm going to make sure to mention it next year to avoid it happening again. They should have definitely listened to you.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/12/2017 00:35

The school may be aware in a general sense but did the person doing the present thing know? It wasn’t necessarily his usual teacher, could have even been a volunteer. Yes, the teacher should have passed on the info but if the person concerned forgot, wasn’t sure etc, then what?

I would mention it and ask them to be more careful but don’t be angry. Schools are busy, hectic places with lots of people coming and going. It is probably an oversight and not some deliberate attempt to exclude or upset.

Dionysus78 · 09/12/2017 00:39

Around Father's Day last year I went to pick up my 2 year old, and she had been told to give a card to 'her Daddy'. They had the paperwork to say that I was a single parent. I had to explain that she had never met him. I had to try not to cry on the way out of nursery. It broke my heart to imagine how confused she must have been. YANBU.

MidniteScribbler · 09/12/2017 00:42

I had a problem with the fathers day stall. Spoke to his teacher in the morning and also wrote his Godmother's name on the envelope with the money in it. Got home a 'Dear Daddy' present. I went in to his teacher, and she shrugged and said 'everyone's got a father, they just choose not to be in their lives' and 'he's just going to have to get over it, he'll be dealing with it for all his life, and he's going to have to cope with making a father's day card every year that he is in school'. I actually pulled him out of the school.

I'm a single mother to a donor conceived child, and also a teacher, and I don't think this is acceptable (and I almost always side with schools/teachers!). I make sure that I understand children's backgrounds and who things should be addressed to when we do something for families. I also make sure that when we do mothers/fathers day activities (I'd prefer to not do them at all, but the school says we must) I set up two activities "If you would like to make a mothers/fathers day craft go to that table. If you want to make a go to that table." Children can choose which activity they prefer, regardless of family set up.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 09/12/2017 00:43

Shocking of them. Definitely go in about it but keep calm. As an example of how crap they are, years ago when my DD was 4 in school, her teacher planned a craft day for the children to make their Daddies a Father's day gift. Well the teacher knew that DH was away abroad working so before he told the children about this craft day, he actually spoke to me first to make sure DD wouldn't be upset about it!

That's an excellent and sensitive teacher....I appreciate not all teachers have time but he made time. I was so grateful and we worked out that when he told the children about this, he'd tell DD that he'd arranged for her gift to be posted to her Daddy which wou;d be very special.

It's not hard for teachers and staff to communicate and THINK! This kind of activity is only nice if they realise not all children have a "traditional" family set-up and that's pretty obvious! Of course it would throw up some issues for some kids!

Whoyagonna · 09/12/2017 00:58

What did the poor little lad do with the card?

BoomBoomsCousin · 09/12/2017 06:04

YANBU. So many children now a days are not from “traditional” families that they should definitely have a system worked out. What happens for the children whose parents don’t send money in?

MidniteScribbler · 09/12/2017 06:13

What happens for the children whose parents don’t send money in?

I've been known to hand the required amount to those that I know genuinely couldn't afford it or the parents who just don't think. It's a few dollars and I'm fortunate enough to not be impacted by a few dollars a couple of times a year, but it makes a big difference to the child.

Ansumpasty · 09/12/2017 06:46

I'd complain as you won't be the only one.
To put a positive spin on it; see it as a sign that you are doing an amazing job as both mummy and daddy.

Original poster
Mia1415 · 09/12/2017 06:54

Thank you everyone! I think it was volunteers doing it so I won’t go in ‘all guns blazing’, but I do think the teachers should have passed the information on (especially as I specifically put on the envelope who the presents were for) and I am annoyed that DS wasn’t listened to.

I had issues at nursery previously (Father’s Day) but they were mortified when they realised.

I think I’m the only single mum in his year so i understand that this situation possibly isn’t ‘notmal’ for the school but still...!

OP posts:
BrizzleDrizzle · 09/12/2017 06:56

I'd be amazed if you were the only single parent in his year unless it's a tiny school. Like others I do think you should have a firm but calm chat.

Jerseysilkvelour · 09/12/2017 07:01

I'd be surprised if you were the only singles parent in the school too.

I think your should have a polite but firm chat too, maybe ask them why they aren't listening to you? Why they don't pay attention to detail? It's not good enough.

trinity0097 · 09/12/2017 07:04

This will have been organised by the PTA and run by volunteers. I imagine they got into the Christmas spirit of the event and someone forgot to look out for your one child from the hundreds they dealt with to do something odd.

It won’t be anything that the teachers were involved in. Next time why not volunteer yourself and help organise it more efficiently so that requests are taken into account.

Original poster
Mia1415 · 09/12/2017 07:08

Judging by the parents at the nativity play this week I suspect I might be, but I might be wrong. It a pretty big school though, 60 children per year.

I was the only single parent at his nursery. When I started his key worker at the time just couldn’t get her head around the fact that he didn’t have a dad. That was a long and painful conversation!!!

I think it’s fairly unusual for a father to literally have no contact/ interest/ involvement at all? (and very sad of course).

OP posts:
CheeseyToast · 09/12/2017 07:09

It's pretty shocking that assumptions like this are still made. So many children don't have a father in their lives, or are living away from their parents. I'd be pretty disappointed that the school was so out of step with modern life!

Original poster
Mia1415 · 09/12/2017 07:13

trinity0097
I realise that. But when DS told them I think they should of listened to him.
I’d love to volunteer but as a single mum with no support, I work full time. I’ve also no childcare to attend the PTA meetings so it’s not an option unfortunately.

OP posts:
AlonsosLeftPinky · 09/12/2017 07:13

To be honest, saying they were probably busy and forgot doesn't really hold much merit when the child himself said it at the time.

Given that we've long since moved from nuclear families being the norm for the vast majority, schools really need to move with the times. What happens for children of gay parents?

Broken11Girl · 09/12/2017 07:14

Agree Cheese, schools should be sensitive to these things and realise we're not all in a middle England 50s Daily Fail fantasy ffs.

MidniteScribbler · 09/12/2017 07:17

It won’t be anything that the teachers were involved in.

This is where you need to be aware of your students. In the cases of children with unusual family situations, I make sure that I am in the room when they do their turn at buying from the stall and subtly keeping an eye on those children ready to steer them if needed and making sure they aren't getting upset. The volunteers cannot be expected to know the family setups of the children, that is my job as their teacher.

twolittleboysonetiredmum · 09/12/2017 07:19

I get why you’re upset but is it definitely the adult who drove giving it to ‘mummy and daddy?’
I’ve been teaching a while and if I know a child’s situation will point them in the right direction. However, when they see other children doing things, at times they choose to copy either through wanting to fit in or because it’s a hope they have (ie part of the process of them understanding isn’t around). It’s quite difficult and at times inappropriate to then force them to do what the parent wants. I do then explain this to parents mind.

Callamia · 09/12/2017 07:19

I don’t see that it makes any difference whether it was a teacher or volunteer. The fact is that the child wasn’t listened to, and the volunteer apparently didn’t check when the child said that he didn’t have a father.

There’s no reason for this. The volunteer is assuredly a capable adult. It’s fine for (in the future) the school to ask them to think a bit and listen to a child. If they’re unsure, they can check. It’s not hard is it? Volunteers are great and entirely appreciated, but not if they’re upsetting children.

IggyAce · 09/12/2017 07:21

This is awful. My DCs school are sensitive to this as there are children who are looked after by family members or who are in care so yes they do mothers and fathers day cards however, they refer to them as special person cards and it is down to the child to say who it is for.