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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Annoyed with school

73 replies

Mia1415 · 09/12/2017 00:10

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to complain about this but I’m really upset and annoyed about it.

DS is in reception at school. I’m a single mum and he has no contact whatsoever with his ‘dad’. He’s never met him, he has zero contact and hasn’t contributed a penny towards him (his choice). He isn’t on his birth certificate.

Today DS’s school had a wrap a present where they get to pick a pressent and school wrap them. I sent the money into school earlier this week for 2 presents in a clearly marked envelope that the presents were for Harrison’s mummy and Grannie. His teacher and school know there is no Dad involved.

Anyway he came home tonight with a wrapped present for mummy and daddy. He said he told them he didn’t have a daddy but they took no notice.

I’m really annoyed and upset about this. Am I overreacting? It kills me that he doesn’t have a father but I can’t change that.

I appreciate the school had hundreds of children but I’ve made them fully aware of the situation and I reinforced it on the envelope with the money.

Am I being unreasonable to send an email to complain/ give feedback. I don’t want to get anyone in trouble and definitely don’t want to be ‘that mum’ but I feel really annoyed that they have ignored both me and my DS.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mia1415 · 09/12/2017 18:18

firecracker2 I am 99% certain DS is telling me the truth when he said he doesn’t have a daddy to them. He is very matter of fact about it and was excited about choosing a gift for his mummy and grannie. He said earlier that he was told he wasn’t allowed a gift for grannie and only gifts for mummy and daddy were allowed.
(Which is absolutely not what it said on the letter about it)

OP posts:

SparklyUnicornPoo · 09/12/2017 18:56

Was it a PTA gift thing by any chance?

If so please remember its probably not his teachers fault, do bring it up because it needs to be addressed, just don't get too cross with the teacher, it may well be they did tell whoever was doing the wrapping and like you thought it being on the envelope would be enough. We do a similar thing at my school, the children go out of class to buy their presents in small groups and are then told to put them straight in their bags before coming back in so we actually wouldn't necessarily know if the PTA had written the wrong name.

CheeseyToast · 09/12/2017 19:29

Thislittlekitty just because you don't know anyone who doesn't have a father in their life does not mean it isn't common, it just means you move in a very small world - and appear uneducated about social issues. It is very common indeed.

pudcat · 09/12/2017 19:42

Thislittlekitty My dad died when I was 6.

TruJay · 09/12/2017 19:48

Haven't rtft but it drives me mad when people assume everyone has a dad, especially nowadays when families come in so many forms. It isn't hard to take notice and especially when your little lad told them he didn't have a dad.
My sister's dad died when she was 2 and at school they were making Father's Day cards, my sister said that her dad was dead, the teacher was mortified and apologised to my mum profusely when it was pick up. The teacher handled the situation well and asked who my sis would like to make a card for so she made one for our brother and all was fine. My sis is 24 so maybe back when she was only little at school it was more likely there were many more nuclear families.
And honestly being with a wonderful mum who loves him and surrounded by other loving family members your son will be fine. We all are (me and siblings), he doesn't need to feel like he's missing out especially on someone who doesn't give a damn. one thing that made a major difference in our lives was that my mum never called/bad mouthed our dad in front of us, we found out for ourselves that he was useless/didn't want to know. I think that is very important.

Op I think school should be made aware of how you feel, it wasn't right for them to send a gift home addressed to mummy and daddy when that isn't the case

underneaththeash · 09/12/2017 19:57

That's not acceptable.

It wouldn't be acceptable even in my little rainbows group....I hope we're always on top of all social/dietary/religious situations. But maybe they don't have your correct details. DS1 started reception and we were invited to a couple of odd events and it turned out that someone had ticked the "DS is adopted" box and he wasn't at all.

BananaInPyjama · 09/12/2017 23:14

Wow that is awful.

At our school we have several 'mum only' families- gay couples so there will not be a dad on the scene at any point in the future.

School recognises the different make up, so even on (formerly) grandparents day, it is now grandparents or special persons day, So the kids can bring a parent/neighbour/adult friend/whoever. (and equally no one for kids whose parents work full time).

Seems that school needs a lesson in diversity.

ThisLittleKitty · 10/12/2017 00:29

Sorry for your loss but I'm not talking about parents who have passed away I actually mean it's quite rare for a father to actually choose not to be in their child's life. I don't move in small circles I know lots of people and from what I see at my kids school aswell which has 700 pupils. I wouldn't say it's very common at all? Maybe not rare but certainly not "very common"

CheeseyToast · 10/12/2017 01:10

Thislittlekitty you're not helping your case with your latest post. Having a child at a school of 700 and not knowing whether any of those pupils do not have a father in their life is neither here nor there. It is an indication of the circle you move in and your knowledge of social issues, that is all.

Go to a school of 700 in a deprived area of Birmingham, get the deets on every child's circumstances and then report back. Oh wait, you can't do that. So you can remain ignorant or you can read up on social issues.

Valerrie · 10/12/2017 09:22

Kitty, I'm a teacher and it's very common.

ThisLittleKitty · 10/12/2017 09:26

Ok if it's common it's common, I've yet to meet anyone in the same situation though so am basing it on my own experience.

insancerre · 10/12/2017 09:35

Kitty, it's very common
I manage a nursery and I get to see the birth certificates and know who has parental responsibility and who is involved in children's lives
I live in a very affluent area and there are several children in the nursery who don't have any contact with their dad and don't even have him named on their birth certificate

ThisLittleKitty · 10/12/2017 09:42

I don't think you can base it on the BC my dad wasn't on mine but we still saw him. I'm normally met with a lot of shock and pity when I tell people they don't see their dad which is why I'm surprised to hear people say it's common.

insancerre · 10/12/2017 09:52

I'm not just basing it the bc, I know who collects the children, where they go at the weekend, who is involved in their lives
I know if their dad is involved or not

FrancisCrawford · 10/12/2017 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoomBoomsCousin · 10/12/2017 17:41

Roughly 10% of Father’s who are no longer with their children’s birth parent have absolutely no contact with them. But you don’t need absolutely no contact for this to have been insensitive. I had contact with my father, he is on my bc and he even paid some support for me. But contact was limited to visits and phone calls when he felt like it. A present to give him at Christmas could have sat sadly under the tree or on the mantle until the summer as a reminder that he wasn’t that bothered about us.

SparklyUnicornPoo · 11/12/2017 21:16

from what I see at my kids school aswell which has 700 pupils
just because you see a Dad picking a child up doesn't mean it's their Dad, I know a lot of children who call their step dad Dad. My Dad came to everything for DS with me and people just assumed he was DS' Dad because he looks young enough for it just to be a big age gap and they had heard me refer to him as Dad. I've had kids at school picked up by their uncles every day, I've even had one with a brother that looked old enough to be his Dad.

HildaZelda · 11/12/2017 21:22

I think schools need to be a lot more aware that not every child has a mum and dad and a 'traditional' family.
My friend's husband died when she was 6 months pregnant so her daughter never met her dad. The school are aware of the situation, but there are other children in the school who may not have dads (or mums) in their life for one reason or another, so on fathers/mothers day etc the children who don't have a dad/mum in their life can make cards for grandads/grans, favourite uncles/aunts etc, but they don't make a big deal out of it. The teacher just says something like 'making a card for a grown up that you love'

TieGrr · 11/12/2017 21:22

DD has never met her dad. I know a handful of others in the same situation. But I also wouldn't know everybody's circumstances. There's kids in her class being raised by a single mother and I would have known the children for years before realising.

RestingGrinchFace · 11/12/2017 21:24

YANBU. That was an unkind thing for them to do. Definitely wrote them an email to stop things likes this from happening again.

Original poster

Mia1415 · 12/12/2017 11:23

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

The school were very apologetic and the Head is going to give feedback to those involved. She also offered to refund the gift money, but I'm happy for the school to keep it.

OP posts:

SheepyFun · 12/12/2017 11:43

Thanks for complaining. An (older) friend of mine was widowed while pregnant with no. 2. She has a range of horror stories along these lines. Her children my age; there's no excuse now.

Also, I don't know how upset you/he were about it, but you may imagine how a child who can remember and misses his father feels...

christinarossetti · 12/12/2017 22:05

Well done OP. It's great that the head got it and is taking steps to ensure that it doesn't happen again.

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