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AIBU?

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Original poster

Annoyed with school

73 replies

Mia1415 · 09/12/2017 00:10

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to complain about this but I’m really upset and annoyed about it.

DS is in reception at school. I’m a single mum and he has no contact whatsoever with his ‘dad’. He’s never met him, he has zero contact and hasn’t contributed a penny towards him (his choice). He isn’t on his birth certificate.

Today DS’s school had a wrap a present where they get to pick a pressent and school wrap them. I sent the money into school earlier this week for 2 presents in a clearly marked envelope that the presents were for Harrison’s mummy and Grannie. His teacher and school know there is no Dad involved.

Anyway he came home tonight with a wrapped present for mummy and daddy. He said he told them he didn’t have a daddy but they took no notice.

I’m really annoyed and upset about this. Am I overreacting? It kills me that he doesn’t have a father but I can’t change that.

I appreciate the school had hundreds of children but I’ve made them fully aware of the situation and I reinforced it on the envelope with the money.

Am I being unreasonable to send an email to complain/ give feedback. I don’t want to get anyone in trouble and definitely don’t want to be ‘that mum’ but I feel really annoyed that they have ignored both me and my DS.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mia1415 · 09/12/2017 07:21

I absolutely believe DS when he said that he doesn’t have a daddy. He is very matter of fact about it and his teacher told me at parents evening that he had told her and said ‘it’s ok as all families are different and I have my mummy and grannie’.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 09/12/2017 07:31

Dds School is a lot more sensitive that this thank goodness. I would definitely send an email. It will be seen by the teacher and hopefully addressed. Now that you know he will be doing father’s day cards and presents in future, you can talk to your ds about who the card and presents will be to. For this year, I would also state in the email that Xmas, Easter and father’s day cards that the card MUST NOT be to a non existent father.

aleC4 · 09/12/2017 07:34

I'm a teacher and always side with schools but not this time.
It is utterly ridiculous in this day and age to assume that all children come from a family with a mummy and daddy.
Some do but we also have single mums, single dads, two mummies, two daddies, children in foster care, children with grandparents, aunties etc. Some have suffered bereavements or terribly family break ups.
This week we had a very similar event organised by our pta. Letter went home and the adult fills it in with who the gift is for, the sex, age if it was for a child and what they want written on the tag. They write out all the tags and we get the children to just sign their name.
Some children chose 5 or 6 different gifts and not one child went home with the wrong ones.
It is a lovely event. As well as making money for the school the children love being able to pick their own gifts for family members. It would be such a shame if it was spoiled by a simple careless oversight.

youarenotkiddingme · 09/12/2017 07:34

That’s dreadful.

My ds father is not on the scene - his choice. I remember one year he was encouraged to write to him and get mummy to send it. It’s because he’s mentioned missing him during an activity.

The school were very good and staff lovely and it really was an oversight - nice gesture for horribly wrong.

I just reminded them he had no father on the scene - hence the blank contact details (because I have none).

I have a child in my class who’s father disappeared for a number of years and has come back on the scene. Recently he did a fantastic bit of work I copied for him to show Mum. He asked for one for Dad.
So I said I’d do it after school and give it to him the following morning as no time to go back and copy it then. I then rang Mum and asked best way to approach it and provide it. We agreed on envelope with Dad on he could show if he kept contact and send if he didn’t.

aleC4 · 09/12/2017 07:35

We also stopped making Mother's Day and Father's Day cards a long time ago. It upsets too many children.

christinarossetti · 09/12/2017 07:39

You do definitely need to raise this. Send an email requesting a meeting with the reason why, then use the meeting to discuss how to ensure that this type of thing doesn't happen again.

BurnTheBlackSuit · 09/12/2017 07:39

It is possible the volunteer misheard I suppose: "who is your present for?" Mummy and Grannie" could sound like Mummy and Daddy from a a small child whose voice you aren't tuned into and who you don't know the circumstances of.

AChickenCalledKorma · 09/12/2017 07:43

I also volunteer with children, often at busy and hectic events. If a little boy said "but I don't have a daddy" I hope I would simply say "ok, who do you want to give this to then?" It's not hard and the fact it was volunteers isn't really a good excuse.

JagerPlease · 09/12/2017 08:31

Definitely not BU to have a word. I do worry about things like this in future for DS as he has two mums and no dad. His childminder is fantastic and teaches the kids about different kinds of families, but I worry about nursery/school and activities like this and fathers day in the future

hedlesschicken · 09/12/2017 08:42

The school are clearly insensitive to your situation and your son. I'm sure this would have upset him especially when he is trying to explain that he doesn't have a daddy.

This wouldn't impress me in the slightest and I'm afraid I would have to speak to the head regarding this.

What a shame for you and your son. My sister is in a similar situation with her son too. Is is 7 now and has just started asking questions...

Iwanthertoloveit34 · 09/12/2017 09:04

I grew up in the 70's,my dad died before I was born so my mum was a single mum . When I was in infants school I came home devastated because the school was having a car maintenance evening and had invited all the fathers. I had been given a letter addressed to the fathers, it was the 70's and assumed that a woman would have no interest or need of car maintenance. I'm shocked that things like that still happen in schools, I would hope its a genuine mistake but I would have a word with the school.

ThisLittleKitty · 09/12/2017 10:47

I think it’s fairly unusual for a father to literally have no contact/ interest/ involvement at all? (and very sad of course).

^^ yes I agree with this. Though I wrote that on here before and was told I was wrong and apparently it's extremely common but that's not my experience with any one I've ever known.

Valerrie · 09/12/2017 11:40

I'm a teacher and this is absolutely awful.

We are very, very careful when doing things like this. There are children who have lost parents, single parents, estranged parents, children in care and children who have been adopted. All volunteers should have been aware and children should have been offered a choice of people to give presents to, especially as you'd already specified!

We make mother's day cards on class but I always say to the whole class that they can make their cards for whoever they want to. Someone who looks after them at home, a kind sister, their Dad. Most children who have mothers obviously choose their mothers but the ones that don't do not feel singled out.

Definitely have a word. Your poor son Sad

Valerrie · 09/12/2017 11:40

Oh, and it's really not that unusual for a father to have no contact at all.

manicinsomniac · 09/12/2017 11:45

YANBU

They should have listened and I really don't think your situation is so unusual as to excuse ignoring your son/thinking he was mistaken etc.

I think my children are the only children at our school who don't know who their father is and have never met him (I'm also a teacher at the school so I do know most of the children's home backgrounds) but there are quite a few single parents and one same sex couple.

Even volunteers should know that not all children are in traditional family set ups.

Nanny0gg · 09/12/2017 12:50

get why you’re upset but is it definitely the adult who drove giving it to ‘mummy and daddy?’

Her DS told them himself that he doesn't have a daddy as well!

Sheesh! Will people read the OP's posts if they can't be arsed to RTFT!

christinarossetti · 09/12/2017 12:53

It doesn't matter how 'rare' something is (and completely absent fathers aren't a rare phenomena by any stretch of the imagination), it still needs to be respected.

FrancisCrawford · 09/12/2017 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrancisCrawford · 09/12/2017 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

twolittleboysonetiredmum · 09/12/2017 17:21

I did read the full thread but in my experience just because a small child acknowledges something it doesn’t mean that they don’t want it written on like their friends. No need to be cross about it!

Notevilstepmother · 09/12/2017 17:26

Some children don’t have a dad for so many reasons and schools should be aware of this and sensitive to it.

MumW · 09/12/2017 17:33

I've been that volunteer and would have listened to the child and made a note to confirm that "to mummy and grannie" was appropriate.

The school need to give the volunteer appropriate guidance so that they handle such situations differently next time. Some children don't have a mum and/or dad and some have 2 mum's or 2 dad's.

Twuntingattheweekend · 09/12/2017 17:35

Exactly the same thing happened to my friends child....she was told she HAD to choose a male and a female present or there wouldn't be enough for other children....my friends child doesn't have a male relative.so they gave it a neighbour

FireCracker2 · 09/12/2017 18:07

The fact is that the child wasn’t listened to

Well we don't know that that's a fact at all! DS could well have asked for mummy and daddy because that's what all his friends were asking for and he didn't want to stand out as different

Original poster
Mia1415 · 09/12/2017 18:15

Thanks everyone. I am going to raise it with the school but not make a massive issue of it. I more just want to make it clear to them so it doesn’t happen (or similar) again.

OP posts: