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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be narked that my sister never hosts

54 replies

Chocness · 08/12/2017 19:38

This is something that’s been niggling me for ages which is possibly why it’s starting to become an issue which I don’t want it to.

DH and I have been together 15 odd years, likewise my sister and BIL who live about an hour away. Over the years we have hosted them for lunches, stay overs, dinners and the alike. In all that time we’ve only had one invite to theirs which I think was just to show off their new house. The total sum of their hosting was a packet of doughnuts and a glass of Asti Spumante (despite the fact we’d bought them a nice bottle of champagne to toast their new home).

I’d really like to do a traditional Christmas one year at ours to give my mum a break (she currently does it most years as we alternate with in laws) but it’s pissing me off knowing that a) the hospitality is very unlikely to be reciprocated b) there will be little appreciation of the effort that we will put in to make it a lovely day likewise the expense as we appreciate decent grub and booze on chrimbo day and c) that even if we ask them to contribute in some way to help counteract some of the brewing resentment of their lack of effort that we’d probably get no more than some crappy bottle of cheap wine and a packet of mince pies as a contribution/token of their appreciation. I’ve tried dropping hints but they are very quickly batted back with a reason for not hosting. I’ve also suggested we all go out for lunch on Christmas Day but my sister says she doesn’t think it’s fair on those having to work on Christmas Day! My DH agrees they are acting selfishly and being lazy as when my mum hosts they never offer to help in anyway but thinks I should let it go as my main reason to host is to help my mum. I see his point but I know on the day I’d be full of resentment for them for enjoying everything without having to lift a finger. AIBU?

OP posts:
LexieLulu · 08/12/2017 19:40

Host and don't invite her? Say you don't have the room for her and BIL

Shoxfordian · 08/12/2017 19:41

Yanbu

Host but don't invite them

Original poster
Chocness · 08/12/2017 19:43

That would be the ideal but she knows my house could accommodate her (as it’s done for the last bloody 15 years!!) so I think that’s a no-no. Maybe I just need to ‘woman-up’ 😬

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 08/12/2017 19:44

Say you are hosting to thank your mum for her hospitality over the years. And don't invite your sister.

ImNotWhoYouThinkIAmOhNo · 08/12/2017 19:46

It's all about expectations, isn't it. You can't change other people. Your own attitude will determine how this plays out for you.

If you are hosting purely to save your Mum the bother, and you expect your DS to step up and do exactly 50%, because you are, then you are likely to be disappointed (because your DS won't do 50%) and resent every minute and every penny you spend. If you decide you are hosting because you want to do Christmas your way and can accept, from the outset, that your DS won't lift a finger or offer a penny, then you stand a much higher chance of enjoying yourself.

ivykaty44 · 08/12/2017 19:46

Host your own dinner and invite your mum

Don’t invite others

Delatron · 08/12/2017 19:48

Just don't invite her. She may then get the message!
Say 'we're hosting mum this year as a thank you for her hosting'. Then don't discuss again. Get out of the habit of all having Christmas together...

topsyandtimison · 08/12/2017 19:50

Is she rubbish at cooking and embarrassed about it? I am hopeless and don't host for that reason.

agedknees · 08/12/2017 19:53

Just invite your mum and let lazyarse dsis cook her own Xmas dinner.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/12/2017 19:54

Yanbu.
There have been a few people in my life who never host, it is completely unfair and they are clueless to this. I no longer host them ever. Will happily meet them outside my home but not in.

Original poster
Chocness · 08/12/2017 19:59

I know it would upset my mum not to have her there so I guess that’s where my quandary lies.

Very valid point re: attitude imnot I take that on board.

She’s not a great cook topsy and maybe you have something in that but she does enjoy cooking as she’s asked for cookbooks for the past two birthdays! It’s not just the cooking though, she never offers to help clear up either and surely washing up doesn’t require that much confidence on the kitchen front. Maybe they’re just damn lazy 🙄

OP posts:
jacks11 · 08/12/2017 20:04

I can understand why you'd be annoyed. But really the solution is in your own hands- either don't host your DSis (and be honest if she asks why)- or do it because you enjoy getting your family together and find a way to let the annoyance re your sister go.

I agree with your DH about christmas. If you want to do it for your mum, then do it for her. Do you have to invite Dsis? If it would cause too much upset not to invite DSis/BIL is there a way you can say "please bring x food/drink with you as your contribution" or ask them for specific help e.g. "DSis can you help me by peeling/chopping veg" or whatever job needs doing, so they do make some contribution?

I sympathise BTW my DB and SIL are absolutely awful and the only reason I have anything to do with them is for my parents' sake. It is galling, but I have now decided I will do things if it doesn't cause me to much inconvenience or if it is especially important to my parents. Otherwise I just don't engage.

Sludgecolours · 08/12/2017 20:07

Would it work if you say you are happy to host as long as everyone contributes? Ask your mum to bring a pudding, you do the turkey/stuffing/gravy etc and ask your sister to bring two veg dishes maybe? In the event she can't do that, how about you ask her to buy the wine? That way you might feel less resentful.

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2017 20:09

So what, becayse your sister doesn’t reciprocate you’ll both just keep making your poor mum do it? In fifteen years have you ever once hosted your mum for Xmas? Once? What about your in laws, ever hosted them for Xmas, or do you just keep taking?

Forget your sister hosting or not and offer to host for gods sake, I feel sorry for your parents and In laws. You’re doing the same as your sister.

I suspect you feel guilty for not hosting, and this is your way of allieviating your guilt of not hosting at Xmas, by blaming it on your sister, what’s the excuse for the in laws?

arethereanyleftatall · 08/12/2017 20:13

I think people who never host have literally no clue about the time or cost involved in hosting.
So they bring a bottle of wine (and drink two) or clear the dishes away (1% if the cleaning involved) and think that's fine.
In your situation either :

  1. Don't invite her
  2. Invite her with clear instructions that she needs to bring the starter (or whatever).
Original poster
Chocness · 08/12/2017 20:15

Thanks for your post bluntness. I regularly host my parents and inlaws so I don’t think I’m anything like my sister. This is about hosting Christmas only. I’ve had some good suggestions so far from other posters, thanks everyone.

OP posts:
HouseworkIsAPain · 08/12/2017 20:18

Tell your sis you think it’s time one of you hairs to give your mum a break. Say you don’t mind which house it’s in (knowing she won’t offer hers) but whoever isn’t the host will be responsible for washing up and cleaning the kitchen to make it fairer.

Then on Christmas Day - hand her and the DP the washing up gloves and say thanks soooo much for sorting the washing.

ScrabbleFiend · 08/12/2017 20:19

Just tell her you're hosting this year as a thankyou to your mum but as you'll be doing the cooking you'll be expecting everyone to help out elsewhere. Or give them specific jobs if needs be. I can't believe a grown woman would sit back and let her mother run around after her all day. My mum and I share the cooking, she does the meat I do the veg, she does starters and I make dessert. The men fetch drinks, keep the kids amused and do the dishes. That way everyone gets to enjoy theirselves and no-one's run ragged. You could always ask them to bring dessert too, least they do can surely?

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2017 20:19

Yes, my post is specifically about Xmas, which is very clear. Have you ever hosted them for Xmas, them or your in laws?

I understand you’re pissed at rhe question, and wish to kick me for it. But have you? Or do you continue to make them host Xmas , whilst complaining about your sister as your excuse for not doing it?

Your husband is right. If you want to help your mum. You host Xmas and let it go. Becayse right now at Xmas, you are doing the same as your sister, whether you wish to admit it or notl

Original poster
Chocness · 08/12/2017 20:19

Haha like that idea house! Might get some special frilly ones to add to the occasion!!

OP posts:
butterfly56 · 08/12/2017 20:23

Arrange to take your Mother out on Christmas Day then you can both have a break from it.
If your sister wants to come then she can pay for her food.

Just make sure to get the money off her before the day so you're not landed with paying her bill!

Original poster
Chocness · 08/12/2017 20:25

Yes bluntness, I have hosted my parents and my inlaws for Christmas on a number of occasions. On those occasions my sister was away for Christmas so there was no issue as there is for this one.

OP posts:
HouseworkIsAPain · 08/12/2017 20:25

A frilly pair and a ridiculous tea towel! Make a big show of how you’re exhausted after all the cooking and flop down on the sofa so it’s quite clear you’re not getting up to help :)

LoniceraJaponica · 08/12/2017 20:27

Or be very specific about what you want her to contribute so she can't just get away with bringing a bottle of cheap wine and some mince pies.

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2017 20:28

Ok then that’s a bit of a drip feed, because your op states you alternate between your mums and your in laws. You state you would like to do it “one year” indicating you’ve never done it before.

So in fifteen years you’ve hosted your parents a number of times for Xmas and the remain between your inlaws and your parents, so uoubhave done it the most, , then your thread is moot,you’re doing more than your bit and not behaving like your sister at all.