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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be narked that my sister never hosts

54 replies

Chocness · 08/12/2017 19:38

This is something that’s been niggling me for ages which is possibly why it’s starting to become an issue which I don’t want it to.

DH and I have been together 15 odd years, likewise my sister and BIL who live about an hour away. Over the years we have hosted them for lunches, stay overs, dinners and the alike. In all that time we’ve only had one invite to theirs which I think was just to show off their new house. The total sum of their hosting was a packet of doughnuts and a glass of Asti Spumante (despite the fact we’d bought them a nice bottle of champagne to toast their new home).

I’d really like to do a traditional Christmas one year at ours to give my mum a break (she currently does it most years as we alternate with in laws) but it’s pissing me off knowing that a) the hospitality is very unlikely to be reciprocated b) there will be little appreciation of the effort that we will put in to make it a lovely day likewise the expense as we appreciate decent grub and booze on chrimbo day and c) that even if we ask them to contribute in some way to help counteract some of the brewing resentment of their lack of effort that we’d probably get no more than some crappy bottle of cheap wine and a packet of mince pies as a contribution/token of their appreciation. I’ve tried dropping hints but they are very quickly batted back with a reason for not hosting. I’ve also suggested we all go out for lunch on Christmas Day but my sister says she doesn’t think it’s fair on those having to work on Christmas Day! My DH agrees they are acting selfishly and being lazy as when my mum hosts they never offer to help in anyway but thinks I should let it go as my main reason to host is to help my mum. I see his point but I know on the day I’d be full of resentment for them for enjoying everything without having to lift a finger. AIBU?

OP posts:

jarhead123 · 08/12/2017 20:29

I could have written this myself. Not sure how I will get out of it now either.

Yika · 08/12/2017 20:30

I think you need to say something quite blunt to your DSis about this situation. She needs to reciprocate, it's just rude. Don't make it about this Christmas, which I think you should go ahead and host for your mums sake.

dubmumof2 · 08/12/2017 20:35

I think I'm with Bluntness on this one, and your DH. Host if you enjoy hosting and will enjoy preparing and eating a lovely Christmas dinner in a joyful and generous way. Or host because you really do want to give your mum a year off. But don't use your sister's 15 years of behaviour as an excuse not to host. She's not going to change. If it's important to your mum's or to your enjoyment of the day that she be there, then host her generously. If it's not, don't invite her...

RippleEffects · 08/12/2017 20:39

I hosted my sis, family, her inlaws etc four consecutive years (accomodation for three/ four nights and childcare too). Then we moved so we were in walking distance of parents and dsis.

She offered to do xmas day. She, via parents, gave us a bill for £250.

Not a penny, maybe a bottle of wine each previous year I'd worked flat out for days (and enjoyed hosting too).

We paid but we'd never do that again. The meal was so late that we'd had to take DS1 home to eat, i couldn't drink because the lack of routine/ plan ment DS1 (autistic) was very unsettled all day. It was possibly my worst and most expensive Christmas, paying for their Champagne bill.

I need control though, so hosting is more comfortable for me. Its finding the balance that works for you.

HouseworkIsAPain · 08/12/2017 20:48

That’s terrible ripple. Why did you pay?

I’d have treated it as a joke and said Oh I’ll just deduct how much they owe for the 4 Christmas’s.... so that’s minus 750. Oh look they owe me 750!

Liquoricecomfit · 08/12/2017 20:50

This could be my sister!

Sorry no advice except to say how I totally get how hard it is to host for people like them.

I also used to host my parents and my sister and her 2 boys to give my Mum thanks for all her years of hosting. However it all got too much for me in the end (one day shopping, one day prepping food and cleaning house, one day cooking and clearing up, making drinks etc) and the resentment boiled over as none of them would offer to contribute a single thing, help in anyway, help clear up or even make a cup of tea!

Me and my Husband ran around feeling like servants and never got to enjoy the day ourselves until they all left. One year I tried to get her to take care of the desert course - she begrudgingly arrived with xmas pud but no cream, no alternative for the kids and non pudding lovers.

Finally I told my Mum I couldn't cater for them all anymore but that her and my Dad would always be welcome. I was told they couldn't possibly leave my Sister out and now every xmas since then, they host for my Sister - me and my family are left to sort ourselves out and never had a return invite!!

I still feel hurt about that actually but looking back my Sister has always been favoured so no surprise really how it's turned out. I feel sorry for my kids though as we now have a very quiet time and it feels like they have been left out.

Good luck to you though! Actually my advice is to do whatever makes you happy, have the Christmas you want rather than what you feel you should do.

RippleEffects · 08/12/2017 20:57

@Houseworkisapain I like a quiet life. £250 isn't I significant to us but not worth a mass family fall out over. Expensive lesson learnt and dsis is now aware how much Christmas costs.

Christmas is now a much more equitable family affair we do a Christmas eve, Christmas day, boxing day rotation (with parents, so and her DH, me and mine) and pay for the meal we prepare.

RippleEffects · 08/12/2017 20:58

£250 isn't insignificant! Sorry poor typing

Flupi · 08/12/2017 20:59

How about inviting your Mum for lunch and your ds for tea later in the afternoon (and don’t provide much). That way you’ll have a lovely lunch but your mum will also get to see your sister....

RidingWindhorses · 08/12/2017 20:59

I would do this Christmas to give your mum a break and just stop inviting your sister round from now on. I would also ask your sister to bring the pudding/s. Me and my sis always split courses between us.

RidingWindhorses · 08/12/2017 21:01

To be clear I meant invite your sis for Christmas but stop hosting her during the rest of the year.

Chattymummyhere · 08/12/2017 21:05

I don’t host anything other than children’s parties out side of the home. I just cannot do it it makes me so umcomftable to be the one everyone needs/wants something from.

Luckily my house isn’t big enough to host for day Christmas dinner but I’m quite happy to not be hosted for as well in fact I’ve turned down invites for Christmas now 2 years in a row because I just want to be home.

You can’t change someone who just isn’t a host. Invite your Mum if you want to but you cannot force anyone else too.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/12/2017 21:32

Chatty - it makes everyone uncomfortable (at least the majority). It's hard work. That's why the etiquette is to take turns.

Original poster

Chocness · 08/12/2017 21:51

Flupi that sounds like a good compromise. I’d be ok for my sister to have that arrangement with me too in future years too. Breaks it up a bit for all concerned, thanks.

I’ve tried the contributing food idea before and it’s normally responded to with the bare minimum of effort ie crap wine and a naff frozen dessert which is never enough to go round anyway so I’ve given up on that front. Maybe we should just host and charge her as her contribution. I like the idea of an extra £250 at Christmas!!!

OP posts:

OhNoOhNo · 08/12/2017 22:24

Yes, absolutely charge!

Tell her it's £50pp (or however much it costs you).

If she says anything, tell her she's had emough hospitality off you.

Do keep us updated!

RidingWindhorses · 08/12/2017 22:31

Offs. That is just so shit.

givemesteel · 08/12/2017 22:37

She's your sister so I think you can be blunt. Just say you're gonna do Xmas at yours but you expect her to contribute 50/50 if she wants to come - so you prepare and cook food then she is responsible for tidying the kitchen, just leave her and her husband to it.

She can then also make some sandwiches / put out some buffet food for tea, surely that is not beyond her.

And ask her to contribute 50% of the cost, don't accept a cheap bottle of wine and that's it.

Get your mum onside so she doesn't end up picking up the slack. If she objects or is unhelpful on the day just make that the last time you have her over.

I can understand it being awkward if it was a friend but with family I think you can just be honest.

aurynne · 08/12/2017 23:10

Do your sister and BIL (why is it only "your sister" who doesn't host?) contribute in other ways to your family? Sometimes people do not do a specific thing but they are there for the family in other ways.

Madwoman5 · 09/12/2017 08:13

We have very specific lists and each person brings what is on their list. As hosts, we serve. When it comes to clearing, I will ask x person to help whilst I sort the leftovers. Even though we have a dishwasher, there are some things that have to be washed so I will chuck a teatowel or two at the nearest rellie/s and the job is done. Most stay put at the table until the jobs are done then we all collapse in front of the tv for the queen. We are swapping this year and I have just had my list. I am surprised at how little is on it so will be topping it up with treats.

Only1scoop · 09/12/2017 08:19

I'd go out, say you are doing it as a treat for your mum and to have the day off.

If she quips about the staff working Christmas Day, let her know you and your mum want the day off so she's welcome to host....

HappenstanceMarmite · 31/12/2017 10:30

I'm curious. What happened on the big day?

KC225 · 31/12/2017 11:04

I love cooking/hosting but guests who are all take and no give become tiresome. I have a close friend who hates cooking but she will invite us round and provide a massive take away (which I love) and loads of drinks. We always have a great time and she laughs about the stress of opening cartons. It can be done, I think it's generosity of spirit.

There have been some good suggestions on here, giving your sister a bill etc. Or a list of specific contributions. Have you ever asked her why she doesn't host? She needs to be pulled up on it.

Perhaps suggest something a little less significant than Christmas day. Maybe a Mothers day afternoon tea for your mum. Say, it's your turn as I've been doing it 15 years. Get those cookbooks out.

Maelstrop · 31/12/2017 11:21

She offered to do xmas day. She, via parents, gave us a bill for £250.

That’s appalling! I would have text straight back with a request for £1000, so your bill for the past 4 years. Who are all these cf relatives?!

Sweetpea55 · 02/01/2018 02:22

For years we have hosted a Christmas get-together to include my sisters and their adult children. My older sister did it once in 1995 where the only food available was a curry that nobody could eat..and my younger sister has done it the odd time, im not doing it anymore,
Hints were dropped along the lines of 'are we getting together over christmas '? I just told them its someone else turn .

citychick · 02/01/2018 04:53

gave us a bill for £250

deat God ~ what is wrong with some people? that's outrageous behavior!

i almost dropped my phone reading that

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