AIBU to think it would be impossible to raise my kids alone without relying on benefits?

[ginandlimonade]

It's not a goady title, so apologies if it comes across that way.

I had a difficult childhood and things got worse in adolescence. Eventually I was put into foster care. I was desperate for love and stability and married young and got pregnant young. We now have three children.

I'm unhappy within my relationship now, but if I'm to be realistic with myself, how would I support three children if we split? Even with him paying maintenance the cost of funding two homes is not cheap.

I am looking to go back to college but even if I get some qualifications I won't earn enough to comfortably pay for me and three children. Am I missing a Trick?

That completely depends what you earn and the age of the DC, because income and childcare costs are the two big variables.

Why would you need to be running 2 households? You only need one for you and your children. What he does isn't your problem

No I think you're probably right. I'm in a similar situation but with 4 dc.

Can you work through your issues? Is he abusive? Do you have any income? Lots of information missing

What qualifications do you have?
What are your talents and aptitudes?
How much do you need to earn?

You might as well be as ambitious as you can. What job or industry do you have in mind?

confused what I mean is that if we were to split, even with him paying maintenance it would not be enough on its own to live on.

I don't have any qualifications other than a few gcses. I'd need to earn a lot to single handedly pay for a three bed house, childcare for three children and also other bills of a growing family!

No, I don't think you are. Very few people can afford three children comfortably, let alone three children and two homes. However, you can't put them back! So do the best you can to bring your children up to be stable, happy, productive people.

Whether it's OK to split up with your partner when the result is that you need benefits is tricky and IMO depends on how dissatisfied you are. If you're miserable, let alone abused, I don't think anyone could blame you for splitting and going on benefits. If you're just a bit unfulfilled....? I dunno. I think you at least have an obligation to work hard and minimise the amount of benefits you need. But you can only do what you can do.

Benefits are being slashed more and more. Be cautious about becoming reliant on them.

Yes, indeed running

4 dc work full time earn 19995 pa 2 in childcare.
Without tax credits I could not afford to work.
I have to top up my childcare fees but I could not afford it without benefits.
I cant see me being bebefit free until childcare is not needed.

I think it depends how old your kids are, where you live, what sort of benefits you are talking about and what compromises you're prepared to make. You don't need a 3 bed house potentially depending on age and sex of children. But it's not fun being crammed into a small space long term.

If u definitely want to split work out what maintenance from the dad would be and whatever your income is plus benefits and see what it comes out at. Unfortunately it is totally dependent on circumstances for each individual so you don’t know until you work it out

We don't know, reading this, if you're more likely to become a barrister or a barista, or whether you live in Surrey or Tyneside. Or when you're likely to split, how old the DC are or various other things.

Those things make a huge difference.

We aren't splitting, although I'd seriously consider it if we had the money.

If you have that luxury of being able to plan ahead now, use it. Cost everything up. Work out what kind of wage would cover everything and then decide what to aim for.

It isn't that simple battle axe. I could not pay for childcare and a mortgage or rent and food for three children, alone.

So I would be reliant on benefits.

Lots of lone parents are (reliant on benefits) and lots aren't.

Are you assuming your income capacity is low?

It is at the moment, but even if it wasn't, let's say I earned £2000 a month - a salary of maybe 38000.

Childcare would be at least half that. Plus rent or mortgage would put me back at least 600 at a very conservative guess. Council tax, internet, phone and electricity another 200 at least. Leaving 200 for food, petrol, clothes, shoes, entertainment and the other needs of a growing family.

Whilst i understand your reasons completely, I guess the mistake was made when you had three children. Can't put them back now though. Luckily we live in a society where benefits are available for this very situation, and hopefully as your dc get older, it will be easier and easier to get a job and more financial security.

Well £40kpa gross should be about £2500pcm net (give or take for student loan repayments and pension contributions)

If you add approx £240 pcm child benefit to that, and child maintenance on top, you could get to £3k pcm net income from a £40k salary.

It would take me years to get up to a 40k salary

I'm a single parent and never had any benefits including when I had to pay a mortgage of £950 a month on my own and my income was £1450 a month and left with paying his debts. I just massively economised.

The three most crucial things imo would be...

1. How much you can earn?
2. Childcare costs
3. Housing costs

Quite frankly, you'd have to be on a pretty decent whack to be financially self sufficient as a single mum with 3 kids even taking child maintenance into account.

How much was your childcare clippity

You seem to be thinking in the ‘here and now’, where really you should be thinking long term. You won’t always need childcare for example, and it will be considerably cheaper once the kids are at school.

What career would you like to do? What could you start doing now to make that happen in 3-5-10 years time?