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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it would be impossible to raise my kids alone without relying on benefits?

77 replies

ginandlimonade · 08/12/2017 19:02

It's not a goady title, so apologies if it comes across that way.

I had a difficult childhood and things got worse in adolescence. Eventually I was put into foster care. I was desperate for love and stability and married young and got pregnant young. We now have three children.

I'm unhappy within my relationship now, but if I'm to be realistic with myself, how would I support three children if we split? Even with him paying maintenance the cost of funding two homes is not cheap.

I am looking to go back to college but even if I get some qualifications I won't earn enough to comfortably pay for me and three children. Am I missing a Trick?

OP posts:
Want2bSupermum · 08/12/2017 22:36

gin It does take time to build your income up. I had a degree from a RG university, excellent work experience and I'm willing to work the log hours. It took me 6 years to double my income. I'm now making enough for our area to survive.

Seriously consider training in a 'trade'. You also need to be ok with working 50 hours a week. If you are good at science consider medicine with a goal of becoming a GP. If you are good with numbers consider going into accounting. I wouldn't recommend law as I know far too many who have not been able to secure training contracts. If you have artistic and business talents consider marketing and HR.

Whatever you do it's going to take time to get there.

Original poster
ginandlimonade · 08/12/2017 22:38

I've barely got five GCSES! I don't think medicine is in my future!

I know I trapped myself in a way, just sort of thinking out loud.

OP posts:
safariboot · 08/12/2017 22:39

Why would it be so bad to claim benefits? That's what they're for. Benefits for single parents are available so that people aren't forced to stay in dysfunctional or abusive relationships.

Battleax · 08/12/2017 22:39

It would take me years to get up to a 40k salary

It depends what you go into. Can you tell us anything about your career aims?

SingaSong12 · 08/12/2017 22:40

The age of the children really makes a difference including to the benefits you may be entitled to.

Battleax · 08/12/2017 22:43

You seem to be thinking in the ‘here and now’, where really you should be thinking long term. You won’t always need childcare for example, and it will be considerably cheaper once the kids are at school.

This.

Half of parenting is at ages 11+, when the need for childcare more or less goes away.

By which time, you could have your career well under way (you still haven't said how old your DC currently are).

Partial reliance on benefits in the early/primary years is a good deal less nerve wracking than thinking you're totally reliant forever.

Battleax · 08/12/2017 22:46

Accounting, HR and Marketing, (as per Super's suggestions can all be studied for by day release or evening professional exams; ACCA, CIPD or CIM, which means you can earn and study at the same time and work your way up.

pinkdelight · 08/12/2017 23:41

There was a brilliant thread recently by a single mum who had retrained part time for years and finally qualified as a physiotherapist and was moving to a new house with her dc. It really highlighted the power of the long term planning and persistence mentioned above. Rather than regretting how you trapped yourself in the past or feeling helpless about your situation now, put some positive effort into long term changes and start making better decisions on that basis. Even with small steps now you'll feel more empowered and purposeful than presupposing endless benefits. No doubt you will need them but it's not the most motivating starting point for your future.

DismalDaphne · 08/12/2017 23:46

I did it with 3 children. Can't say we lead a life of luxury but we survived. Never received a penny in child support from ex either.
Fair to say we were rich in other ways

Want2bSupermum · 09/12/2017 06:08

battle Thanks. They are great professions to go into where you earn a good salary quite quickly. Trades are like that too. I've never met a poorly paid plumber or electrician.

OP so you barely have 5 GCSEs. Did you study hard for them? I've found that with the right motivation I work a lot harder.

Original poster
ginandlimonade · 09/12/2017 09:24

There was a lot going on at the time but in any case, there will be a lot going on of it try to study with three kids!

I was thinking about nursing but I don't know how practical that is

OP posts:
Bairnsmum05 · 09/12/2017 09:43

I worked as an hcp, single mum for 9 years, I used breakfast and after school club. I worked full time with no family support, child suppprt or benefits-it can be done. Not all single mums rely on the state.

Original poster
ginandlimonade · 09/12/2017 10:06

Not saying they do, I just wouldn't be able to see a way round it in my case, it's not a criticism of anything or anybody I just worry about it as it's hard being in my marriage at the moment. What did you do in the school holidays?

OP posts:
DismalDaphne · 09/12/2017 12:13

Out of school holiday clubs/ childminder/ annual leave ( paid or unpaid if possible). It all costs money, but I just accepted that is the way it is. The kids loved it.

SprogletsMum · 09/12/2017 15:11

In my situation I've accepted that I can't change it for now. My dc are 9, 6, 3 and 8months. I worked out the other day that to work a fulltime 9-5 job would cost over £400 per week in childcare!
I've got a long term plan. I'm studying for a degree with the Open University. It's part time so will take 6 years, by which time my youngest will be 7. I'll have 2 dc in high school. Childcare will be more like £140 per week and I'll have graduate jobs available plus a 15 year old dc who I will pay to mind the little ones if necessary.
Yes I've massively trapped myself but I will sort it.....eventually.

B0033 · 09/12/2017 15:37

It's going to take me five years to get into my chosen career. My youngest DC is 11 months... Eldest is 14 years! I've been a sahm for a long time and I'm scared to take the leap, tbh. But I'm more scared to do nothing and end up in a dead end job for the next 25+ years. I'll regret never trying, even if the qualifications process is difficult.

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 09/12/2017 15:46

It’s generally better if you can stay together happily for many reasons. Everyone’s marriage goes through difficult stages. I know the tendency is to up and run but rather than thinking about finances consider first addressing what is wrong in the marriage. Does he feel the same? Would you be willing to work through any issues would you both go to counciling?

Original poster
ginandlimonade · 09/12/2017 15:54

I don't think the tendency is to up and run. Maybe some people do. It just makes me sad. I feel like I've got few options in life.

OP posts:
Original poster
ginandlimonade · 09/12/2017 15:55

And I guess it was my fault. Should have worked harder in school. It was difficult though. I did try to stay on afterwards and do some a levels and take some more GCSEs but I'd had to leave foster care at that point and I had barely any money and so I felt like I had to get a job. I always worked u till we had second child and then I wouldn't have earned enough to cover childcare.

OP posts:
Bombardier25966 · 09/12/2017 15:58

I'm a single parent and never had any benefits including when I had to pay a mortgage of £950 a month on my own and my income was £1450 a month and left with paying his debts. I just massively economised.

Did you have childcare costs? £120 a week wouldn't go far if you did.

For those saying they have done it, could you provide some figures for the OP to understand how they might manage?

Twuntingattheweekend · 09/12/2017 15:59

Have you discussed this with dh? Is he willing to go do what it takes to keep you? Go to relate maybe?...could you put up with things while you study? ..or could you have joint custody and he has kids half the week ,less childcare to pay for?

Original poster
ginandlimonade · 09/12/2017 15:59

I can see how people manage, just about, if they have family who will look after their children while they work. But if you don't, you'd have to be a really, really high earner.

OP posts:
Original poster
ginandlimonade · 09/12/2017 16:00

I can't discuss anything with dh. He doesn't have to try to keep me - I have to stay. It's just like I say, I feel trapped.

OP posts:
Bairnsmum05 · 09/12/2017 16:00

Gin-I’m not going to lie, holidays were and are a living nightmare lol. Used clubs, friends, School friends mums to get by and used every ounce of my annual leave. It’s not easy at all but the end is in sight now. Sorry if I can across a bit short earlier, I’d love to be a Samh as all my friends are but I couldn’t afford to, makes me sad I’ve missed a lot of my child’s growing up working 5 days a week.

Booboobooboo84 · 09/12/2017 16:01

How old are your children op?