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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it would be impossible to raise my kids alone without relying on benefits?

77 replies

ginandlimonade · 08/12/2017 19:02

It's not a goady title, so apologies if it comes across that way.

I had a difficult childhood and things got worse in adolescence. Eventually I was put into foster care. I was desperate for love and stability and married young and got pregnant young. We now have three children.

I'm unhappy within my relationship now, but if I'm to be realistic with myself, how would I support three children if we split? Even with him paying maintenance the cost of funding two homes is not cheap.

I am looking to go back to college but even if I get some qualifications I won't earn enough to comfortably pay for me and three children. Am I missing a Trick?

OP posts:
Twuntingattheweekend · 09/12/2017 16:02

I didn't express myself very well,sorry...I mean could you explain you feel trapped? Would he listen and give you more time to yourself,time to think things through,would it help if he did more round the house? Is that why you feel trapped? All the domestic stuff can feel overwhelming

Original poster
ginandlimonade · 09/12/2017 16:06

Youngest is only a baby.

No, it's not really domestic stuff. I do do most of the housework but then I don't work so fair enough, I mean I am trapped in my relationship because I can't leave and I don't really if I'm honest want to stay.

OP posts:
Booboobooboo84 · 09/12/2017 16:10

Op we can’t advise you on what things will cost if you deliberately evade a simple question like what their ages are. It’s a massive difference in childcare costs. But with the little info you’ve given then yes you will likely need benefit support

BG2015 · 09/12/2017 16:21

I’ve been a single parent for a number of years and work as a teacher full time. The only benefits I got were child benefit and money from my ex.

Once my kids were school age (we split when they were 5 & 3) it got easier and I’ve supported them really on my own.

My problem was that I didn’t claim the full child maintenance amount when we first split so he under paid me massively over the years - but that’s a whole other story.

Original poster
ginandlimonade · 09/12/2017 16:30

But I know what things will cost, Boo; that wasn't my question.

OP posts:
Booboobooboo84 · 09/12/2017 16:38

Yes it was. If you don’t give the info then what benefits you can get and what costs you have to cover can only be guessed. So we can only guess at the income you would need. But that’s up to you.

Original poster
ginandlimonade · 09/12/2017 16:47

I would need a job paying around 50k per year.

Unlikely.

Anyway ... shall we not argue

OP posts:
TheVoiceOfTreason · 09/12/2017 17:19

You would realistically get working tax credits and whatever government assistance there is for childcare for working people. Obviously you would also get maintenance too. Depending on whether your children are in school and just need wrap around childcare, or pre school and thus need much more, would impact significantly on your childcare costs, and your geographical location would obviously influence your accommodation costs.

The answer therefore is that it depends on the above.

Overall, you sound like you've got your head screwed on. Good luck to you whatever you decide. Xxxx

MsJaneAusten · 09/12/2017 18:51

Why do you think you’d need £50k a year? Loads of people live off much less than that. Again, don’t think short term; think about where you’d like to be in five-ten years and then start taking steps towards it. For example, do you have gcse maths and English? Lots of courses / careers need those so it might be a good starting point.

B0033 · 09/12/2017 19:17

GCSE maths and English is a good.point. I was educated abroad during my teens and didn't get GCSEs. I came back for A-levels and did well, but I can't get onto a university course without those GCSEs. However, there are equivalent courses called level 2 functional skills that are accepted with many universities. My local children's centre puts these courses on throughout the year so they are easily accessible. This is what I'm doing in January before my Access course starts in September.

Original poster
ginandlimonade · 09/12/2017 19:20

I know Jane but it's different on your own. Two people earning 25k a year is one thing. Even one person earning 25k but someone at home to look after the children makes a difference. It's paying childcare plus living costs I just can't seem to make the sums work without benefit reliance which seems risky.

I have English but not maths. I would really struggle to get it, I think. It was the access course I looked at too.

OP posts:
MsJaneAusten · 09/12/2017 22:22

Can I be frank? Do you think you might be depressed? Or at least very bogged down? There’s good advice on here but you seem very set on the idea that you’ll never be able to earn a decent wage. You could! Is there someone you could talk to in real life? Careers advisor at local college? Trusted friend?

Original poster
ginandlimonade · 09/12/2017 22:44

Oh, I'm sure I could earn a decent wage eventually, although it would take around 5 years and I'd incur a fair bit of debt, but not enough really to comfortable raise 3 kids.

OP posts:
Battleax · 09/12/2017 23:02

Best give up then, eh?

MsJaneAusten · 09/12/2017 23:16

Do you think anyone earns £50k without working st it for at least 5 years though?

If you want to live on benefits, fine, but it sounds like you don’t. So choose a career, make a plan, work at it.

Quite aside from the financial benefits, it might help you to feel more independent so that you can make informed choices about your living arrangements.

Original poster
ginandlimonade · 10/12/2017 08:14

Sometimes I do feel like giving up to be honest.

Jane, no, I don't. But many of us won't earn that sort of money anyway.

OP posts:
B0033 · 10/12/2017 08:16

Think of it this way: five years will pass regardless. You could be five years closer to your goal by then, or not. It's up to you.

MsJaneAusten · 10/12/2017 09:03

Op, I’ve been working for 20 years. I have post grad qualifications. I don’t earn £50k. I do earn enough to support myself and my DC.

For your own sake, stop focusing on the £50k+ (and anything else not being worth it) and start working towards financial independence.

Battleax · 10/12/2017 09:05

I was being sarcastic. You do actually sound a bit depressed.

Original poster
ginandlimonade · 10/12/2017 09:09

Lol, I'm not focusing on 50k at all. Other posters kept asking how much I'd need to raise three children and have their childcare paid for and house them and so on, and I said probably about that amount. Believe me I know I won't be earning that.

I probably will go back to work when younest is in nursery, I always worked u till we had no2.

But it's just not enough for me to live alone with the children. If I decided I wanted to do that.

OP posts:
manicinsomniac · 10/12/2017 09:26

In your situation right now, I don't think YABU. You would need benefits. Maybe not for ever but to get you started/keep you going for a bit. And I don't think you should be ashamed of that.

It is possible but it depends so much on your circumstances.

I have always been single. I have 3 children (15, 10 and 3) and don't get any benefits (except child benefit) or maintenance. I work full time as a teacher and earn £42000. We aren't rich but we're comfortable.

But I think I have been incredibly lucky to be able to make this work:

  1. I had a stable, loving family upbringing and already had 4 A levels and was at a top university before I got pregnant with child 1.
  2. I was able to stay at university with my baby and complete my degree.
  3. Because already knew I was single and had a child, I could plan my career around those facts.
  4. I didn't know that benefits existed for people whole weren't job seeking or disabled (I was very sheltered!) so I didn't have that option to fall back on.
  5. I chose to train as a teacher so I wouldn't need holiday childcare
  6. I chose to apply for jobs in independent boarding schools so I would have access to wraparound childcare and subsidised housing.

Therefore, the reality is that I have many 'benefits' - education, health, fore-warning of singledom, career provided childcare and housing benefit and loads of time off work. There's a very large element of luck in that and I don't blame or judge single parents who need more traditional types of benefits in any way.

Battleax · 10/12/2017 09:27

But you know lots of people (women) manage on less than £50k? That the expensive childcare is only until age 4/5? That many jobs pay £30k+?

It feels like you're feeling hopeless and you ONLY want to hear us agree that it's all hopeless.

Original poster
ginandlimonade · 10/12/2017 09:30

Which is my question really battle, how

Without relying on benefits

Anyway it's taking a bit of an argumentative turn with some posts so best leave it, thanks manic

OP posts:
Battleax · 10/12/2017 09:32

The two best ways are to maximise earnings and minimise childcare costs.

So be ambitious for yourself and maybe stay put through the preschool years?

Your life isn't ruined. You can figure this out.

Want2bSupermum · 12/12/2017 01:50

I don't think there is anything wrong with your earnings goal but you need to be ok that it's going to take hard work and time to get there. I only now, 9 years later earn 75% of what I made previously and that is retraining in an allied field and having three babies. Meanwhile DH earns multiples of what he earned 9 years ago (he is in a sales role which is always a more lucrative role).

I took a back seat. You can do it. It's perfectly possible if you have that inner belief that you will accomplish this goal. I've had so many people tell me I'm not good enough and so many people say no. I'm very determined and just don't let that get in my way.

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