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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell friends off for not RSVP

59 replies

OhGood · 08/12/2017 10:30

So, I am having people round for food and a film tonight. A casual thing, and these are pretty close friends. Invite went out on Monday, with a specific request to let me know whether they're coming or not. So I can cook enough food, get enough drink in etc.

Some people have been 'don't know' (like one friend who is very pregnant) and that's fine. Some people have said they are trying to get babysitters and that's fine. Some people may cancel at last minute today and that's fine too. Life happens.

BUT.

Just sent a snotty message to the people who have not even responded to me. (Saying 'what the hell happened to RSVP, take it you're not coming, see you soon'.)

AIBU?

OP posts:
PrincessoftheSea · 08/12/2017 10:32

yanbu

Lweji · 08/12/2017 10:33

I think YABU, unless they've done it a few times now and then show up. If they never respond and don't show up, I'd stop asking.

If it's the one time, they may have forgotten or have had something happening.

Try to be kind.

Smarshian · 08/12/2017 10:33

YABU people are busy. They will let you know if they are coming. If you really need to know numbers today send a polite message saying hey just checking you're not coming as getting food. No need to be rude.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 08/12/2017 10:35

Who is too busy to even send one text? They won't necessarily tell her they're coming - why assume that?

Original poster
OhGood · 08/12/2017 10:36

Wow really? I think it's so bloody rude if you are invited somewhere to not respond.

I am also busy. Why should I chase them up as well as cook them nice food?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 08/12/2017 10:37

How many people are you having round?

Original poster
OhGood · 08/12/2017 10:37

@lweji these are my friends - of course I am kind. This is about me thinking THEY should be kind.

OP posts:
Lweji · 08/12/2017 10:37

BTW, how did you invite them?

TrojansAreSmegheads · 08/12/2017 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
OhGood · 08/12/2017 10:38

@stealth I invited 9. 2 are definitely coming.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhGood · 08/12/2017 10:38

(I mean 7. so 9 inc me and mrohgood)

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 08/12/2017 10:38

That's dreadful :(

StealthPolarBear · 08/12/2017 10:39

That's dreadful :(

Lweji · 08/12/2017 10:39

If they normally answer, I'd assume they missed it for some reason or they had problems and be worried.

Original poster
OhGood · 08/12/2017 10:39

@lweji called some, saw some in person, email a couple. Asked them all to let me know.

OP posts:
crazycatlady5 · 08/12/2017 10:39

Did you send the invite Monday and today is the first day you’ve reminded? If so, YABU. I know I open a message (I assume it was a message) when I’m right in the middle of something and then I think oh I must respond to that later, and forget! Especially since having a child, brain is fried. I’d be interested to know what they say. I don’t mean this to be unkind but I think it’s a bit of a high maintenance reaction and I have a friend like this who I feel I always have to walk on eggshells for an hate cancelling on her as she doesn’t speak to me for weeks Hmm

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/12/2017 10:43

A casual thing

Doesn't sound very casual if you're issuing formal invitations with RSVPs...

Fair enough to send a reminder, but I think the wording/tone of the message you sent was quite rude.

Emerald92 · 08/12/2017 10:44

YABU, You didn't have to send such a rude message.

Just a reminder 'Hey did you get my last message? Dinner and movie at mine tonight, let me know by 2 so I have the numbers! If you don't reply don't worry I'll assume you're not coming and see you soon :)' would be more appropriate.

Sometimes people don't get messages or they do and open them by accident not realising what it was and then not reading it. Sometimes my DD has my phone and she can accidently open messages that i then won't know I've had.

Original poster
OhGood · 08/12/2017 10:46

So the AIBU is really me checking that it's still considered polite and normal to respond to an invitation (especially when you've been asked to do so.)

OP posts:
Original poster
OhGood · 08/12/2017 10:47

Yes, greenfingers, that's because I am bloody pissed off about it because THEY are rude.

OP posts:
Lweji · 08/12/2017 10:51

Yes, it's polite and normal to respond, but it's also polite and normal to think friends are human and may have failed on this occasion without getting nasty to them.

Your AIBU was really about your reaction to them (title and OP).

InDubiousBattle · 08/12/2017 10:53

'Thanks for the invite, sorry but we can't make it' - send. There, that took me all of 5 seconds.It really isn't too much to ask to RSVP and I think it's really rude not to. It's not as if you're badgering them weeks in advance, the meal is tonight so it would be perfectly reasonable to assume you'd already sorted food and drink out.

brasty · 08/12/2017 10:54

If they look at phones every day, YANBU. If like me you have some friends who only look at their phones every few weeks, YABU not to just phone them.

Original poster
OhGood · 08/12/2017 10:54

crazycat
I don’t mean this to be unkind but I think it’s a bit of a high maintenance reaction and I have a friend like this who I feel I always have to walk on eggshells for an hate cancelling on her as she doesn’t speak to me for weeks hmm

Yes I think you have a point. I am normally not at all like this. I would never not speak to someone for weeks because that's crazy. And also see understanding re all the other people. I also don't normally vent my feelings at people.

I think I find having people round here in groups very hard and stressful, even when it's close friends - I feel very insecure about certain things - and I think this need to be able to plan in advance and know numbers all stems from that.

So, while I stand by my original feeling that not responding to an invitation is rude, and will ALWAYS RSVP to people myself, I am prepared to accept that I am playing out my own insecurities here on my friends. I will talk to them and explain this.

Mumsnet, you have analysed me!

And now I must do some work.

OP posts:
coddiwomple · 08/12/2017 10:58

It is VERY rude not to RSVP.

If it's a one-off, probably not worth falling out with your friends. Not helpful, but I would have send another txt yesterday, asking to let you know. Even replying to you now, when the diner is tonight is rude.

Unless someone has some medical emergency or family drama, no one is that busy that they can't check their calendar and reply yes or no within a day or 2. When most people don't reply, is because they are waiting to see if they receive a better offer later on.

Mind you, it would be worst if people had replied yes, then cancelled at the last minute.