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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I need some honest views -slightly seething

116 replies

pingu73 · 08/12/2017 06:33

I genuinely need to hear whether I am just being touchy or have a case to be pissed off.
My son is 20 and has severe autism and now mental health. I’m divorced from his dad for 15 years plus and we have both remarried and moved on. Have had a tempestuous relationship but speak when have to all polite etc. I ended our marriage as I was struggling to cope with a 4 year old at the time and newly diagnosed 2 year old . Being only 26 myself at the time it hit hard and we just drifted.
As I say fast forward 15 plus years and all moved on.
So this week as son turned 20 my exh financial responsibility to him ended. Ours doesn’t and even though he is starting to get benefits in his own name they get hammered because he has 3 hours of care a week to go to a SN youth club so literally half of it is taken. To support him I work days and my husband his step father work nights.
So literally the day after his responsibilities end next morning I get a text can we have sons passport as were going on holiday!
For me the timing was inappropriate and I sent a very balanced text explaining so. Totally ignored.
The reason why I posted is because at the beginning of the year my son became extremely mentally unwell... a danger to himself and others and the nhs dragged its feet. I had no choice but to have him privately assessed and diagnosed with a mood disorder at the cost of £335 which exh didn’t offer to pay a penny
Also over the years even though he is on a very good salary £45 k plus ...he paid £137 per month under csa as his partner now wife moved in with him and of course they counted her kids as living in the house so my son got very little. For years I asked csa to reassess which they wouldn’t do however when we moved to child maintenance service they did and used hmrc figures so were accurate. Ex had begged me not to have them reassess and guess what he was ordered to pay double. There has been a significant change in their household that he failed to declare.
I feel totally used and am angry that we do the lions share of care but get no appreciation from his side at all. I will say his wife is lovely so I have no issue with her.
I just feel like he’s thought “oh we’re not paying for ds let’s use that money for a big holiday abroad” even though we’re knackered doing all the stuff that comes with looking after someone with complex SN.
He has him every other weekend and no more but tbh I think that’s to make a show of being the good father to the rest of the family as whenive needed help and asked for it he’s either declined or made out he’s doing me a massive favour.
Am ibu to ask for half the psychiatric assessment fee as I feel this is above and beyond normal outgoings and also Aibu to be pissed off???

OP posts:
Pikachuwithyourmouthclosed · 08/12/2017 06:36

Does he need DS's passport because he's planning to take DS on holiday?

Hercules12 · 08/12/2017 06:37

Yanbu. This is where the system is wrong. No advice but he is clearly a shit father.

shakeyourcaboose · 08/12/2017 06:40

But is he not taking ds on hols?

Original poster
pingu73 · 08/12/2017 06:49

Yes he’s talking about going on holiday I was just referring to the fact that we have stil financial obligations, we paid for the passport and all the other stuff. An apology about Brent thoughtless over the timing was all I was looking for and now I’m mad.
When my son was 7 he had a complete breakdown full on and dad said when I asked for help quite”I have had a big gas bill if you reduce your maintenance we will have him more”
I’m happy for him to go on holiday it’s the bigger picture I’m pissed off over.
I suppose I am resentful they’ve been away twice this year but when we try and organise a weekend away it’s a logistical nightmare organising meds for my son,transport to his house etc

OP posts:
Sherwil16 · 08/12/2017 06:49

Yanbu regarding the issue of the lack of financial support over the years, but I can't understand why you are so cross about your ex taking your son on holiday, if that is what he wants the passport for.

Lanaa · 08/12/2017 06:50

Does he want to take your DS on holiday? If so let him, DS gets a nice experience and you get some respite.

Sherwil16 · 08/12/2017 06:51

Sorry, crossed post. I understand

Splinterz · 08/12/2017 06:51

I would have thought that taking DS on holiday gives you the break you need from caring 24/7?

FWIW do you have the "right" to withhold your adult childs PP ?

And again - FWIW - you chose to go private, your Ex didn't have any input into your decision.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/12/2017 06:53

You can ask. My feeling is he’ll laugh in your face and tell you no as you should have waited for a nhs one.

If he takes your ds on holiday, will he be ok? I’m confused about that part as you don’t say

HerOtherHalf · 08/12/2017 06:53

I can see both sides. You've stated your side, on his side he's paid what he was legally required to. I think the biggest problem here is the ongoing bad blood between you. The latent resentment and associated breakdown in communications has no doubt made it impossible for the two of you to talk like adults and negotiate a working arrangement in the best interests of the child. You could try reestablishing communication with him and explaining that even though his son is now technically an adult he still needs support and you can't do it all on your on. You stand a better chance if you knock that chip off your shoulder and stop seeing him as a shirker who only takes his son to keep his public image intact.

Original poster
pingu73 · 08/12/2017 06:53

What choice did I have o go private ??
His dad was fully aware of his deteriorating mental health we were advised to have him arrested and taken to a&e what would any person do??

OP posts:
Original poster
pingu73 · 08/12/2017 06:54

Also not withholding passport just fed up of the timing and lack of support.

OP posts:
Original poster
pingu73 · 08/12/2017 06:55

Her other half...thanks however over the past few years don’t you think I’ve tried that?
That solution would be so easy and preferably

OP posts:
Original poster
pingu73 · 08/12/2017 06:56

Sorry posted too early
Preferable.

OP posts:
jarhead123 · 08/12/2017 06:56

YANBU

Original poster
pingu73 · 08/12/2017 06:58

You know what and I’m just really talking to myself here
If he ever once said your doing a great job and we appreciate it that would be enough...nothing more nothing less

OP posts:
ivenoideawhatimdoing · 08/12/2017 06:58

All well and good wanting to take him on holiday.

He doesn't need a holiday.

He needs a roof over his head, food in his mouth, clothes on his back and have his welfare provided for in terms of medical assistant. As the primary caregiver your intuition he needed private care needs respecting.

He also has another child who is being severely by this.

Fuck the holiday.
He needs to pay for his kids appropriately. Regardless of whether the state forces him to, he is still their Father. Just because he becomes an adult his financial contribution to him is not devoid.

YADNBU

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 08/12/2017 07:01

£137 on a £45k+ salary is a joke.

I will never understand fathers who won't pay for their children, it's disgusting.

They are equally responsible for them as you are.

If you didn't respect and care for your son as much as you do, OP. I'd suggest sending him to live with his dad for a month as rest bite and see how much he is willing to offer then when he gets some comprehension of the severity of his child's welfare, adult or not.

He's his Father, he should pay his share.

Original poster
pingu73 · 08/12/2017 07:02

I and my husband have accepted and are happy for ds to stay at home until the end of our days and that’s a huge thing. It’s daunting to have all the burden on one parents shoulders...putting wills in place to protect him financially so the state can’t take his any inheritance...not that there’s much or protecting him against abuse on the street it all emotionally takes a toll
He literally needs 24 hr support and the admin that goes with him my lord you need a degree to deal with it sometimes
Right off now in tears feeling sorry for myself
Appreciate a comments I really do xx

OP posts:
Sleepyblueocean · 08/12/2017 07:03

I get it and you are not unreasonable to be pissed of with him.

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 08/12/2017 07:05

OP, you're doing an incredible job.

You don't need your ex to say it.

You know it, your husband knows it, your sons know it, everyone who knows you know it - including your ex, who is too petty to ever admit it.

Your sons are bloody luck boys to have you as their mother.

HerOtherHalf · 08/12/2017 07:06

No advice but he is clearly a shit father.

How exactly do you draw that conclusion? The OP is clearly bitter and resentful but even with her attempt to paint her ex as the spawn of satan there are facts slipping through her version of events that suggest otherwise. There are three sides to this and every other story, her side, his side and the truth.

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 08/12/2017 07:06

Ok the passport holiday thing, yabu, I think you are resentful that they are going on holiday and said no out of pettiness. Let him go and have some time for yourself, do a mini break, sleep, relax.
It does seem wrong though that the financial responsibility should stop when your son was of age, it’s not like your son can go out and get a job to support himself so your ex should keep paying. Maybe if your ex disagrees he should have more hands on role with your son, more visitation, more responsibilities etc.

DownTownAbbey · 08/12/2017 07:07

YANBU to be angry. I'm in a similar boat 10 years behind you.

Yes your ex is a cheapskate tosser. But try and get past the insensitive timing. He's clearly insensitive by nature so try and expect him to behave insensitively at all times. Let him take DS on holiday. If it's the first time he's done it he may never offer again as it'll be more hard work than he's used to! Take the week as respite.

As for the money for the bill you can try. If he says no, mentally readjust the money as 'repaid ' by the respite of the holiday. It's not fair but you're dealing with a selfish twat and you need to stay sane.

Come the revolution I hope these 'dads ' are first up against the wall.

Original poster
pingu73 · 08/12/2017 07:14

Excuse everyone I have NOT stopped him going!

OP posts:
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