I need some honest views -slightly seething

[pingu73]

I genuinely need to hear whether I am just being touchy or have a case to be pissed off.
My son is 20 and has severe autism and now mental health. I’m divorced from his dad for 15 years plus and we have both remarried and moved on. Have had a tempestuous relationship but speak when have to all polite etc. I ended our marriage as I was struggling to cope with a 4 year old at the time and newly diagnosed 2 year old . Being only 26 myself at the time it hit hard and we just drifted.
As I say fast forward 15 plus years and all moved on.
So this week as son turned 20 my exh financial responsibility to him ended. Ours doesn’t and even though he is starting to get benefits in his own name they get hammered because he has 3 hours of care a week to go to a SN youth club so literally half of it is taken. To support him I work days and my husband his step father work nights.
So literally the day after his responsibilities end next morning I get a text can we have sons passport as were going on holiday!
For me the timing was inappropriate and I sent a very balanced text explaining so. Totally ignored.
The reason why I posted is because at the beginning of the year my son became extremely mentally unwell... a danger to himself and others and the nhs dragged its feet. I had no choice but to have him privately assessed and diagnosed with a mood disorder at the cost of £335 which exh didn’t offer to pay a penny
Also over the years even though he is on a very good salary £45 k plus ...he paid £137 per month under csa as his partner now wife moved in with him and of course they counted her kids as living in the house so my son got very little. For years I asked csa to reassess which they wouldn’t do however when we moved to child maintenance service they did and used hmrc figures so were accurate. Ex had begged me not to have them reassess and guess what he was ordered to pay double. There has been a significant change in their household that he failed to declare.
I feel totally used and am angry that we do the lions share of care but get no appreciation from his side at all. I will say his wife is lovely so I have no issue with her.
I just feel like he’s thought “oh we’re not paying for ds let’s use that money for a big holiday abroad” even though we’re knackered doing all the stuff that comes with looking after someone with complex SN.
He has him every other weekend and no more but tbh I think that’s to make a show of being the good father to the rest of the family as whenive needed help and asked for it he’s either declined or made out he’s doing me a massive favour.
Am ibu to ask for half the psychiatric assessment fee as I feel this is above and beyond normal outgoings and also Aibu to be pissed off???

Her if he was a decent father he would not have stopped financial support for his son as soon as he was legally able to.

I understand why you’re seething.

Could you a conversation about him continuing to support his son?

Id be pissed off too

He ignored the message about being upset at the timing
So to let everyone know passport is in sons bag so I’m not a bitter ex bitch stopping him going...thanks for all those comments.
He’s going as I’m not that sad to stop him having a good time with his dad. Similarly I have never stopped him seeing him or posed about with contact
Thanks everyone xx

Pingu - YANBU to feel the way you do.

However, I think the time to ask your ex to pay half the assessment was when you had it done. Not now.

What you should be tackling him over is continued support. Obviously he cares for his son and feels some responsibility for him or he wouldn't want to have him to stay and take him on holiday. But given that you can't stop supporting your son, why should he?

Nothing to with your ex but is your DS getting all the benefits he is entitled to? For example his ESA at the correct rate and PIP or DLA?

YANBU, your ex is an irresponsible shit.

The law is U too. It should provide for lifelong maintenance when a child has lifelong care needs, providing that it is paid to the parent doing the caring.

I'd also insist on seeing proof of 5-star medical insurance before you let the ex have that passport, too. If he has an MH crisis while they're away, he'll need treatment and probably repatriation.

Do you get social services support?

Herotherhalf that is an unnecessary vile post to make whatever you think of the situation. The op is clearly under a lot of pressure 24/7 with both adults working at opposite times of the day to support the child of one. She wanted to vent, this was a last straw situation. Op you are doing a brilliant job in difficult circumstances and I quite agree with other posters that responsibility does not stop at any age when you have a child with special needs of whatever type. Just a suggestion could you ask him to pay for say one thing for your ds whether it is weekly/annually? You would then have some feeling he was helping in some small way.

Can you wait until your ds comes home from the holiday. Then message him something as breezy as possible. I think your ex actually loves winding you up. Something along the lines of:

“Ds has a brilliant time on holiday. Thanks for taking him. It’s great that he got the opportunity to do something so positive. His benefits are less than expected and he hasn’t been able to do much lately, which is why the holiday was so good for him. He’d really like to do x on x days. I’m sure he’d be really happy if you could sort that out for him. Would that be something you could consider?”

Perhaps you could even text it to his wife. Would this sort of flattery work? It’s not asking for money, it’s asking him to pay for your ds to do activities.

Parent of 2 teens with ASD here, my ex doesn’t really support my dd’s financially, he pays minimum amount (£120 a month) and sees them for 6 hours a week, I’m sure he will be pleased when he no longer has to pay for them at all. I have accepted that I’m their main career and financial support. It sucks
I can see why your angry but I will let him go on the holiday just so you get some respite. I don’t think you can ask for money for the private assessment though as you made the choice to pay for it without asking him. I know it’s hard to get any asessemnt through the NHS as mental health services are stretched and almost non existent but it is possible.

I take my hat off to you agreeing to be your sons career for the rest of your live. I don’t plan on doing this for my dd’s, of course I will always be there for them but there are many options out there where they get some independence and I get some of my life back.

I would be livid too. A child with SN becomes an adult with SN and caring responsibilities do not stop. He is your ex's son too and he should morally be continuing to share the financial and caring responsibilities rather than assuming you will pick up the shortfall. Can you guess I am the parent of children with SN too.

YANBU
When children clearky need care, BOTH parents should still be pitching in for the care etc...
And yes that means a father will have carry in laying well afetr the 18~20yo mark.

OP your doing a great job and your son is lucky to have you on his side to look out for him and keep him safe.

I agree with a PP that going on holiday with your son may give your ex an insight as to how difficult things are for you on a day to day basis.

You can't really withhold you adult child's passport thought though.

i get that your ex has been crap over the years, but honestly there comes a time when you need to try and modify your thinking about it to preserve your own wellbeing. He's been crap. He always will be crap. You can't change that. Don't expect him to change, he won't, and you're only setting yourself up for disappointment if you set lists of what he "should" be doing and he doesn't do it. I have a thoroughly useless, selfish and cheap ex, and believe me it is much easier to bear when you have absolutely no expectations! Put the energy into looking after yourself and your son.

Regarding the money, yes it would be lovely if you got some back for it. But again, my experience of dealing with a tight arse ex is that it's more hassle than it's worth. You decided to do what was best for your son, and thankfully you had the means to pay no matter how much struggle it was for you. Again, look after yourself and don't waste your time and energy trying to get money back when you know it's not going to be forthcoming.

Her thatbwas areally crap answer.
A fathercthat is paying less that they should in maintenance and is the abidiccing any responsibility for their adult child with significant SN is a crap father.
Thatnwouod be true about any parent actually and whether they are divorced or not.
You don’t stop being responsible just because they have reached a certain age.

But what comes out is that, overall, this guy has clocked out of his responsibilities and has done as little as he could get away with.

Talk about try and drag a woman down who's having a tough time. What is it with women wanting to berate instead of offer words of support whether you agree with the BU or not.
For what it's worth OP I totally understand your frustration towards him and YNBU being angry at his timing, lack of thought/response to your message, lack of support over the years. Sounds like you're doing a good job of supporting your DC with severe, complex SN. Keep going!

I'd also insist on seeing proof of 5-star medical insurance before you let the ex have that passport, too.

The passport isn't the OPs to withold.

The op has already said shes given the passport, just justifiably upset at the crude timing.

Herotherhalf- this is an adult who still requires 24 hour care which will be life long. The maintenance he paid was minimal, the time he spends with his son is minimal and now he's stopping payments and having a holiday. The son needs on going financial and care support which doesn't stop. How is that not a shit father unless you have very low standards?

I dont think he should continue to pay for him at 20, he should be eligible for ESA and PIP etc and live off that if he cant work.Is your son on the correct rates?
I can see both sides here, and I dont think its fair that you and your husband are having to work extra to pay for your son either.
Are you absolutely sure you are getting all the help thats available from social services? I have known adults like your son go to Adult Training Centres, would something like that be an option? AFAIK people dont have to pay for this.

Ah yes, it’s ‘bitter’ to be even the tiniest bit pissed off when you’re left holding the baby, paying everything that baby needs, and having no end in sight to those costs into adulthood and beyond when the ex pays the bare minimum legally required (and not even that) and thinks he’s a bloody hero for seeing his child every other weekend. Same old misogynistic shite, eh?

As stated I have not with held the passport . He does get 3 hours support a week but then gets half his esa allowance when it comes through taken to pay for this. That was assessed by social services as the amount he has to pay. He goes to a SN college for now but in 18 mo this then god knows.
We work nights / days so we can support him living with us
Please read this as clear as I can make it I HAVE NOT STOPPED THE HOLIDAY OR WITHELD THE PASSPORT
Sorry for caps but people are really jumping to the wrong conclusion

You poor thing, it all sounds so hard.

I'm also a LP with very little financial or other support but I'm very lucky that my child is reasonably "easy" and no SN.

It's appalling that the CSA contributions can stop at 20 when an adult with SN is still going to be dependent on family for so much longer.

Your ex evidently has no conscience but I don't think you can change that. Would asking for money be likely to be effective? It sounds like he'll just ignore, in which case I wouldn't upset yourself by asking. You'll only get cross and upset all over again when he doesn't pay.

You sound like you're doing an amazing job in very trying circumstances.

Try to look at this holiday as something nice for Ds and a bit of a rest for you. At least DS is having some nice experiences with his dad's money even if you're not seeing the half of it for the day to day costs....

I think you're a fantastic mother and totally understand your reaction. The mental strain of dealing with someone on the spectrum and a mental illness is unbelievable. I totally understand why you went private, as we did the same.

I get that you don't want your son to miss the holiday. Your ex needs a ducking big kick up the arse, and the very least he should do is pay for half the assessment cost - but good luck with that.

All you can do is grey rock your ex and know that your son is in good hands because he has you.

Pingu have you looked into assisted living for DS after he finishes college?

I know it's so hard (family member in same boat) but the best thing is to get your son set up out of the family home, somewhere he can be looked after.