I need some honest views -slightly seething

[pingu73]

I genuinely need to hear whether I am just being touchy or have a case to be pissed off.
My son is 20 and has severe autism and now mental health. I’m divorced from his dad for 15 years plus and we have both remarried and moved on. Have had a tempestuous relationship but speak when have to all polite etc. I ended our marriage as I was struggling to cope with a 4 year old at the time and newly diagnosed 2 year old . Being only 26 myself at the time it hit hard and we just drifted.
As I say fast forward 15 plus years and all moved on.
So this week as son turned 20 my exh financial responsibility to him ended. Ours doesn’t and even though he is starting to get benefits in his own name they get hammered because he has 3 hours of care a week to go to a SN youth club so literally half of it is taken. To support him I work days and my husband his step father work nights.
So literally the day after his responsibilities end next morning I get a text can we have sons passport as were going on holiday!
For me the timing was inappropriate and I sent a very balanced text explaining so. Totally ignored.
The reason why I posted is because at the beginning of the year my son became extremely mentally unwell... a danger to himself and others and the nhs dragged its feet. I had no choice but to have him privately assessed and diagnosed with a mood disorder at the cost of £335 which exh didn’t offer to pay a penny
Also over the years even though he is on a very good salary £45 k plus ...he paid £137 per month under csa as his partner now wife moved in with him and of course they counted her kids as living in the house so my son got very little. For years I asked csa to reassess which they wouldn’t do however when we moved to child maintenance service they did and used hmrc figures so were accurate. Ex had begged me not to have them reassess and guess what he was ordered to pay double. There has been a significant change in their household that he failed to declare.
I feel totally used and am angry that we do the lions share of care but get no appreciation from his side at all. I will say his wife is lovely so I have no issue with her.
I just feel like he’s thought “oh we’re not paying for ds let’s use that money for a big holiday abroad” even though we’re knackered doing all the stuff that comes with looking after someone with complex SN.
He has him every other weekend and no more but tbh I think that’s to make a show of being the good father to the rest of the family as whenive needed help and asked for it he’s either declined or made out he’s doing me a massive favour.
Am ibu to ask for half the psychiatric assessment fee as I feel this is above and beyond normal outgoings and also Aibu to be pissed off???

I understand where you are coming from.

Your financial responsibilities to your son will never end, you’re both working your arses off to pay for him, the simple day to day of it dominates your life.

Your ex does very little in comparison, he’s just stopped paying maintenance so you need to make up the shortfall and his first act is to take him on holiday, not offer to help ease your financial burden.

So yeah I’d probably be thinking fuck you too. However you do get some respite when he’s on holiday, which is something at least, and he is involved enough to want to do it. I don’t think you can hope for much more from this man. I’m sorry.

I understand your anger and frustration and I know you only want the best for your son, it’s good you can vent on here as it helps just to say how you are feeling,
does your son have a social worker? If so can you talk to her?

I ( and it’s just my opinion) think you should let your ex take him on holiday, I know you will worry, but let him take his share of responsibility, it will give him more of an insight into what you are dealing with on a daily basis and give you a much needed break.
I had an ex who got away from not paying a penny to his children’s upkeep, even tho they could afford it, in the end my kids had nothing to do with him and he hasn’t seen them for 20 years, at least yours did pay something and does want to take him on holiday, that is more than a lot of dads do...so instead of being angry at him ( which is understandable) just take a deep breath and try and be calm ( easier said than done)
What does your son want to do? Have you asked him? If he’s happy to go with his dad then that’s the most important thing.
Maybe talk to his dad and his wife face to face about what help you need, but you need to be calm , don’t say I need this and that, but ask him what he thinks and could he maybe look into what help is out there, as you are finding it all very daunting .
Good luck, you are a very strong woman and a great mum, don’t ever forget that. Hope you get the help you need....and keep badgering your GP, they have to help. Xx

LMAO at all the posts saying "But he's taking him on holiday. This is exactly the point OP is making - he's getting brownie points for a week or two of Disney parenting while managing to evade his responsibilities for years. Yes of course a bit of a break is probably going to be helpful, but it doesn't in any way make up for the years of input - financial and emotional - that he's dodged.

ivenoideawhatimdoing took the words out of my mouth:

"All well and good wanting to take him on holiday.

He doesn't need a holiday.

He needs a roof over his head, food in his mouth, clothes on his back and have his welfare provided for in terms of medical assistant. As the primary caregiver your intuition he needed private care needs respecting.

He also has another child who is being severely by this.

Fuck the holiday.

He needs to pay for his kids appropriately. Regardless of whether the state forces him to, he is still their Father. Just because he becomes an adult his financial contribution to him is not devoid.

YADNBU"

You are doing a great job OP, you do not need your ex husband to tell you this and I hope you believe it when i say that your son is lucky to have you as his caring mother. Even though I completely understand why you would want your ex to recognise your efforts.

I absolutely can’t walk away from him. I adore my so and the thought of him living away from home until he wants to I just can’t do.
Don’t think either of us are ready yet hope that makes sense

Ridge adult social care is not free. The majority of ESA will be taken to pay for this.

Rudgie not ridge.

to you OP. I know that this has probably already been said up thread, but can you phone up the local authority adult social care and request an adult social care assessment for him? This has to be done under the Care Act if you request it. Then they can see if he fits the criteria for an indicative budget, which will mean that you get some help with day care and activities, you can have this through a direct payment, to manage it yourself. Even if you don't qualify for money to support his care they can signpost you to suitable support and services. They also have to give you a carers assessment if you ask for it. They could also support with a welfare benefits check to make sure you are getting enough benefits.
While your about it, get him referred to the Community Mental Health Team for an assessment, you can request this through your GP. This can be done by a community psychiatric nurse, if nothing else they can signpost him and you to local services to help with his MH. PM me if you need to.
Wishing you all the best

I find it so disgusting that a parent would stop financially supporting their son with SN just because it was no longer a legal obligation. Do they think that once they are over age they magically start to support themselves?

I feel your pain Pingu73. I have a very similar situation, although ASD DS is only 18 and still at school, but ex-H, who left 15 years ago has done bugger all & has also had to been forced to provide any support. He is literally counting the days until he has to stop contributing when DS leaves school and will then wash his hands of any financial help at all.

I have no advice, but lots of empathy & sympathy. You have done and are doing an amazing job & your ex is not. You are a million times the person he is and you should be proud of what you have done. I know it doesn't help with the current situation, but don't ever underestimate what you've done - just because you don't get any recognition from your ex.

Your ex is behaving terribly.
I don't know how severely disabled young adults manage if they have parents who won't support them.

He is a shit father.
I absolutely understand why you feel so pissed off.
Hate loser men like this!

I absolutely can’t walk away from him. I adore my so and the thought of him living away from home until he wants to I just can’t do.
Don’t think of us are ready yet hope that makes sense

That is completely understandable. It takes a loooong time to sort out so it just might be an idea to think of it as on the horizon at some point.

He would also then be more financially independent of you as SS would control his finances (if you wanted them to).

You've done an amazing job for 20 years, but it is a job you can semi retire from iyswim.

Are you sure he is getting all the benefits he is entitled to? Half his benefits going on a three hour youth club doesn't seem right. I'm no expert on benefits but does he get DLA, sorry if I'm out of date I know they are always changing names of benefits.

Money doesn't solve all problems but it definitely helps.

The law is U too. It should provide for lifelong maintenance when a child has lifelong care needs, providing that it is paid to the parent doing the caring
This

His liability towards his care has been assessed by social services. They say that’s the max he will pay whether 3 hours a week or 30.
Tbh it’s not even about the money I think it’s just appreciation and support that would be nice
Taking him on holiday is great but what about the other 51 weeks .

Regarding him being cared for by social services it would feel like I’d abandoned him and you hear horror stories . I know in my rational head there are amazing places but if anything happened to him I’d never forgive myself.

I'd be pissed off too

Pingu you say hes getting ESA but is he getting PIP as well? Maybe he is eligible for that as its for disabled people. Its taken over from DLA.www.gov.uk/pip.
Are you able to get carers allowance?

YADDDDDNBU

It should be a matter of immense shame to your ex that he has stop contributing to his disabled son's upkeep because he's not legally forced to. It should also not be allowed by law (although obviously it is).

I feel very very sorry for you. Your ex is a total shit.

Pingu I work as a mental health support worker, I work with people who can’t quite live independently, I’m working with someone who has a lot of input from his mum and family but she needs more time for herself so carers are funded through ss’s. It doesn’t mean giving up on him, it means giving yourself a bit of a break and concentrating on your own health (as a parent of sn children I know how it takes a tole on our health). There are loads of options regarding care, we are just not told how to access them .

I know it’s frustrating when you want his father to help more but he won’t, my dd’s father won’t even take them overnight so I get no respite at all, I would be pleased if he offered to take them on holiday but I can’t see it ever happening. I have been at the point where I have had to beg him to help, to take them to school when I have been to poorly to get out of bed, to take them for a couple hours when I’m feeling low, he always has an excuse, too busy, working or car problems. I have got to the point where I no longer ask and I have excepted it’s just me and the dd’s. He doesn’t even know where dd2’s school is.

Totally get why you're pissed off. You've done so well for your son, you deserve better.

He’s does get pip and if it’s come across as just about money I apologise . I suppose whilst he was paying it felt like he contributed something because he doesn’t really get too involved in medical/school stuff or should I say college now.
Me and my husband sons step dad both work partly to give me a little sanity so no Carer s.
Honestly though it isn’t just about money it’s about what’s morally right

Gosh, OP, you've clearly had a really rough year and some people are being very unsympathetic to that.

This is AIBU so there are loads of goady contrarians who like nothing better than marching in and telling you that you're unreasonable for thinking black is black and not white.

Of course your partner is being shit. He should have paid half the costs, any decent parent would. And any decent parent would also foot half the bill even when the "official" period of payment ended.

I can’t thank you all enough for the support and encouragement it means more than you will ever know xxx