To feel this was hurtful?

[lill72]

So, my daughter gets brought home from a class by a mum every week. This morning she tells me that she cant do it next class as she organised something at her place. She then goes onto tell me some other girls have been invited but not my daughter. No need to know this. Ugh. Not the first time this has happened. She also gave me the heads up my DD was not invited to her DD birthday party. Cheers. How would you handle this? She is very clearly trying to do something - not sure what you call it. Seems very juvenile to me.

Sothatdidntwork - yes I think you have put this very well. I think the point is that here is no reason to mention and it's not really the done thing.

No one goes and tells other adults what parties etc their children are not invited to.

I agree with op, I know another mum like this. She did not need to tell tge op of the non invites, that is mean and rubbing her face in it. There is such think as being descrete! Op is under no obligation to continue this arrangement if she does not wish, I woukd not want to with somebody very unpleasent.

Op is perfectly entitled to her feelings, we are all human. It's probably hurting, as the girls are friends. If tgey were not, did not play with each other, than op might feel different.

She was telling you why she cant do lifts

Its not like she sang and danced around you saying 'youre not invited'

It is as the girls are friends, it is obvious what this woman is doing.

She is doing this regularly, and telling op also, her dd is not invited to her dd party, why woukd you do this, it's mean and designed to hurt op. I would feel hurt especially the girls are friends. Op has given us a background of what this lady is like, she is not doing this for op dd benefit. Nasty really! Glad everyone of you have emotions of steel, as not everyone has, it woukd hurt me.

As a result, I woukd not want anything to do with this woman. Pray for the day, chikdren are old enough to organise their own meet ups.

I had a friend who was always trying to stage manage her daughter's friendships. She clearly thought my DD wasn't good enough for hers (her DD is very academic, mine isn't). She would make a point of letting me know when DD wasn't invited to something and would proceed to tell me who was (invariably the brighter kids or ones with cool/rich parents).

Ironically, once her DD was old enough to choose her own friends, it was clear DD was one of her faves! They are now at high school and still close friends, the "suitable" friends vanished into thin air years ago!

Could it be something like this? Doubt it's because she wants to stop the lifts as sounds like it suits her too.

Yes eyeroll she can invite who she wants, no need to behave like a twat. I agree Dizzy, it sounds exactly like this.

I think this is a 'never the twain shall meet' issue really - those who think it's ok to do this, and those who think it isn't. This may reflect pps' and their dcs' own experiences or just a different view of life and social relations! But neither side will ever really 'feel' the other's pov.

Truth is, some dc and their dparents are hurt if not included - yes they have to learn to live with it, but they are not wrong to feel hurt, any more than the other side are wrong not to! Important thing is how we help our dc to cope and learn resilience - not always easy.

Dizzy - yes it is pretty similar to what you say. She stage managers her friends.

Penn no I am not paranois nor is there no big 'back story'' as you put it. This mother has a quite DD and she likes her to have other quiet friends. My DD is quite outgoing. I feel like she is judging my DD and others - in fact I know she is. It is quite clear by her actions.

So the non -invite is a real slap in the face to me, saying your DD is not good enough for mine. Yes, it is hurtful as she doesn't really know my DD. Surely your DC are an extension of you, so if someone slights them, youll be hurt?

I think it's a case of too much information, why did she need to say that there was a party that the DD wasn't invited to? And as the other mum was puzzled as to why she wasn't invited, it's clear that the two of them do play together a lot, and her DD is angling for a play date with her, so it is a bit strange that she didn't invite her.

Aero - yes pray for the day they can organise their own meet ups.

Penn - I dont think we will ever agree on this, but imo i dont think she intentionally meant to hurt me, more just build herself up. She does this a lot. In fact every conversation.

Whatever her intention, I am keeping my distance as much as possible as I dont think it is acceptable behaviour.

Aiwan - ah yes she pretty much did a song and dance about it!!!

Penn - sorry but you just dont get it. There is only so much specific info I want to put on here, but from many, many interactions with this mum and from things I hear, things are all a bit stage managed in this house. So yes she may have picked these friends and great that is fine, everyone can be friends with who they want. But it is the night she has chosen and the way she has gone about it that is not really on.

Lizzy - the other mum was puzzled as to why my DD and other friend were t invited as they get a lift home on the same night from this mum and they are all friends. Organise it on another niht than this class if you want to exclude.

It is all so silly.

Really Penn - yes my DD is of course her own person but as I bring her up and love her, anything anyone says about her god or bad, I am sensitive to. Pretty normal I would have thought

Lizzy - yes case of too much information

She sounds like an utter bell end and you'd be better off cutting your ties with her. Mean Girls is life for some people😢

Organise it on another niht than this class if you want to exclude.

Maybe this is the only date they can do?

I've shared lifts with people for convenience that my dc wouldn't expect to go to a party of theirs. And I've also only shared lifts with people with agreement that if there is a reason why it's awkward to do it one week we talk about it, say why and are happy about it. I feel much more comfortable about sharing when you know the other person isn't feeling that they really could do without it that week but they must do it anyway. It's always worked well.

I'm not sure in your eyes how she could have had a gathering without your dd without causing offense.

1. Different time/date-your dd would still have heard about it, and I get the sense you'd be indignant she hadn't been invited anyway.
2. Take your dd home anyway and drop her with a car full of excited party goers.
3. Tell her dc not to mention it, and say something vague about shopping afterwards-you'd probably have heard and would be far worse.

I know there have been times when, particularly dd2, invited a small group round and there were people she was more friendly with that weren't invited. This was not to exclude someone but it was because she had a particular group she did something with, or that she'd invited B because B was really friendly with A who was shy and would enjoy it much more with B, or sometimes because one child didn't get on very well with others invited, and on one occasion she invited a couple round who she decided she didn't know well enough-they never became great friends, but it was nice for them all to get to know each other more.

I give a regular lift to a child my daughter is only vaguely friendly with. Both nice girls - not a lot in common. I wouldn't force my daughter to invite her to a party.

My daughter is 8. At this age, several times I've been told by the parent that she isn't on the party list. Always with an apologetic grimace about the knock on awkwardness of letting them do their own invitations!
I am totally sympathetic, and thank them for telling me.

You said that people were surprised you weren't invited - that is why the mother told you. To avoid you wondering whether the invitation got lost, of if there was a snub. Keeping silent is more of a snub than simply telling you!

It sounds like there is a LOT of backstory. You say there isn't but the thread is littered with you saying there's more to it, she's done stuff before, managing friendships...

You know the backstory, so you know if she's BU to manage the invitations.

But even if she has, the act of telling you that your daughter isn't invited is not in itself unreasonable. And that's why you sound U and a bit dramatic to me! I'm picturing a bit of talk-to-the-hand action alongside your "I don't need to hear it".

It's totally normal in my circle to tip off other mums when their won't get an invitation. No point in keeping quiet. For a start - if your daughter really is such good friends with this child, you'll know when her birthday is.