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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel this was hurtful?

94 replies

lill72 · 06/12/2017 11:18

So, my daughter gets brought home from a class by a mum every week. This morning she tells me that she cant do it next class as she organised something at her place. She then goes onto tell me some other girls have been invited but not my daughter. No need to know this. Ugh. Not the first time this has happened. She also gave me the heads up my DD was not invited to her DD birthday party. Cheers. How would you handle this? She is very clearly trying to do something - not sure what you call it. Seems very juvenile to me.

OP posts:
Coloursthatweremyjoy · 06/12/2017 18:18

Personally I would wait for the next time (and there will be a next time won't there?). That way she's initiated it and can't make you out to be in the wrong.

How important are the pick ups to you? She sounds like a right pain.

Original poster
lill72 · 06/12/2017 18:22

Oh yes I am sure there will be a next time.

It would actually suit me better to change my schedule so I have to change pick ups. There are other mums I can ask. Just might do that. This on top of a few other incidents is just more tedious behaviour than I have time for.

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 06/12/2017 18:25

I think she is probably just trying to let you know that when your DD mentions a party/event at her house, you can explain to her that she wasn't invited. As opposed to you thinking you/DD had mislaid the invite, or you texting mum to ask if there had been a mistake.
I don't think she means any harm. But it is very clumsy, and also cruel. And perhaps something to be borne in mind when your DD is compiling the guest list for her own party.

sothatdidntwork · 06/12/2017 18:33

Maybe the mother is telling you in a sort of 'really sorry dd can't be invited, we can only have x numbers' - so she feels she has to tell you in case you find out and are annoyed/hurt. Of course the fallacy with that strategy is that you are annoyed/hurt anyway!

Pp are right when they say that the dd/dm is entitled to invite who she likes - yes, absolutely, but human nature means that some of the uninvited will be hurt if they thought they were good friends. (And then there are also the people who don't care at all - not sure how often one comes across these in real life as opposed to mn!)

OP, she may not even realise it's hurtful. Some people don't. Others do, and that is precisely why they tell you (jaded person speaking here).

Lizzie48 · 06/12/2017 18:47

That's hurtful. No need to specify why she can't do the lift next week. I agree, it's as if she's rubbing it in that your DD isn't invited. It's odd as well, when her DD is angling for a play date with your DD, it looks as if she's trying to actively discourage a friendship between them for whatever reason. Hmm

Original poster
lill72 · 07/12/2017 17:45

I've spoken to one of the mums whose DD was invited and she thinks it all very odd and awkward. She asked why my DD wasn't invited as it is all just strange. She thinks it is very wrong and done really badly. She is really unimpressed by the behaviour of this mum.

Make no mistake, this mum knows exactly what she is doing. She is trying to artificially manufacture friendships with the girls she wants her DD to hang out with. She has told me to be upfront, but her lack of awareness as to the hurt this causes is laughable. It only makes her look really bad.

I am friends with the mums and their DD are all friends of my DD - not forced!

My DH said this mum is in a competition for her DD to be the best, most popular, etc etc. No one is falling for it or in the competition with her and now she has put four mums noses out of joint, as the invited and non invited are not impressed by the behaviour!!

OP posts:
Original poster
lill72 · 07/12/2017 17:46

Lizzie - yep rubbing it in for sure and there is a definite inference that my DD is not one of the 'chosen ones'

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 07/12/2017 17:54

She sounds a awful, like she's never left the playground. Just drop the lifts, she cannot treat people like this.

Allthebestnamesareused · 07/12/2017 18:06

Personally I think you going round and talking to the other mothers about it is far worse than her clumsy attempt to forewarn you that there is a party but that it is limited in numbers so unfortunately on this occasion your DD isn't on the list!!

Pengggwn · 07/12/2017 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

butterfly56 · 07/12/2017 18:27

She sounds absolutely horrible.

I would definitely change the lift arrangements so you don't have to put up with her crap behaviour anymore.

Original poster
lill72 · 07/12/2017 18:35

All the best - it is not really to do with numbers. This is a front. Its a definite attempt to exclude.

So I am not allowed to chat to another mum about? I had to talk to the the other mum not invited, as we no longer have a lift home next week!!!

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 07/12/2017 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Allthebestnamesareused · 07/12/2017 18:45

You said you spoke to one of the mums whose daughter was invited though. I don't know why you'd do that. I would understand if it was a little moan to someone who also hadn't been invited but to speak to someone who was invited seems like you are trying to start a witch hunt.

I think you are going to come off looking worse than she does if you persist on speaking to other people about it in real life.

Original poster
lill72 · 07/12/2017 19:07

Penn yes I totally agree. Just don't tell me about it!!! I dont need to know about a non -invite.

Allthe - I happen to be very good mates with the mums I talk to - fair I get an understanding on the situation isn't it?? I just find the behaviour so so bizarre I dont get it. No witch hunt. This woman has created a fiasco for all of the mums involved.

I think I am definitely finding another way for my DD to get home - I'll pick up myself over this. We are clearly being used.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 07/12/2017 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
lill72 · 07/12/2017 19:09

Penn - the other mm found it oddd as she drives us home that night so is thereby inconveniencing us and then inviting others in the class. It is odd, you have to agree surely? On another night not so odd. But any way you look at it, I dont need to know about it!

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 07/12/2017 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fizzthecat1 · 07/12/2017 19:17

Make no mistake, this mum knows exactly what she is doing. She is trying to artificially manufacture friendships with the girls she wants her DD to hang out with

She sounds like Katie Hopkins 😂

sothatdidntwork · 07/12/2017 19:18

I think round here the etiquette is that the inviter doesn't mention a non-invite either to the dparent or the non-invited dc. That is not to say that someone else won't, but that is a separate issue! I don't know about mentioning it to the dparent but not the dc - perhaps then you are expecting the dparent to keep it 'secret' from the dc, and that may not be the kind of relationship they have/want.

I think the basic point is - entitled to ask and not ask whoever you like, tell and not tell whoever you like, but human nature being what it is some (not all) recipients of the non-invite info will not be over the moon about it. And that applies to the dparents as well - some do get hurt on behalf of their dc if they think their dc will be hurt. This isn't universal I know, but equally is not uncommon!

Pengggwn · 07/12/2017 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sothatdidntwork · 07/12/2017 20:39

No, but for some it may be an issue (to not tell dc I mean) - I know people have different views about these things.

And people react differently to their dc not being included as well - some are pretty robust, others are more hurt. It may depend partly on other factors - whether their dc are often not included and so on.

So by and large, keeping shtum can be the safest way not to hurt people's feelings- and certainly seems to be the etiquette round my way. On the other hand this dm may be trying to avoid hurting the dd's feelings by saying 'oh it's because of the numbers' rather than have her find out and wonder why she's not invited.

Pengggwn · 07/12/2017 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sothatdidntwork · 07/12/2017 20:54

Yes, totally agree dd has a right to ask whoever she likes.
But equally, just because some people won't be hurt, that does not mean that nobody will be. The proof is this thread! Some dparents are hurt if their dc are not included, whether or not the inviter intends that, which I agree they probably don't. That's life! (just as not being invited to a party is life!) People's reactions differ.

Original poster
lill72 · 07/12/2017 22:27

Penggwn - I have to disagree. I think a non-invite is not necessary to tell to anyone. In this instance, it is not really the non-invite I care about, but the obvious undertones to it. Going on other events that have happened with this mother, she is sending a clear message my daughter is not one of her 'chosen ones' to be hanging out with her daughter.She is not quite the friend she wants her daughter to have, so she will not encourage it. So yes, I'm hurt. And that is why.

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